Entering Marriage Life...

The Main 7 Reasons Behind A Broken Marriage

2011-01-19T01:22:00.004+08:00

So will it be at all right to say that most marriages today fail? Or is it the people in a marriage who fail each other? In depth studies of human relationships and psychology has pointed out 7 main reasons behind a broken marriage. They are:

* Lack of communication- It is said that people in love; tend to understand each other’s unspoken words also. If that is considered to be true, then why does lack of communication play guilty in breaking up a marriage? Two people living under the same roof can’t survive without sharing and caring for each other. If either of them turns a deaf ear to the other’s problems and necessities, then that person is left with no other choice to think differently. People living in society, can’t survive alone and if you are unable to communicate with your own life partner who has vowed to share his/her life with you, then no one can save a marriage from falling to pieces.

* Suspicion, jealousy, possessiveness, professional rivalry- This is a very common issue that plays a crucial role in breaking up marriages. Suspicion is a figment of your mind, a disease which has no cure. Once it gets into a relationship, it starts degrading it slowly. It’s an unconscious behavior on the part of an individual which often results out of lack of confidence and insecurity. The only solution lies in them being supportive and open minded.

* Ignorance- One main reason why a marriage breaks up is ignorance. Many people are ignorant of the seriousness of this commitment and prefer to visualize it through rose tinted glasses. Such thoughts are of the immature mind, but marriages made under such misconceptions, rarely survive the hardships of life.

* Uneven social status- It might happen that circumstances lead to a marriage taking place between two families with different status levels. In such cases, adjustment often makes the marriage work out. But where one or both fails to adjust or accept the social change, the relationship tends to fall apart.

* Mental incompatibility- Human psyche is something that needs years of study. For a marriage to be successful, mental compatibility is a necessary. Like minded people tend to click each other better. However, understanding each other plays a crucial role yet again in this.

* Absence of time and bonding- Life becomes beautiful and worth living with its small moments. The moments of togetherness are what two people can share and cherish for a lifetime. But these small moments get lost in the crowd of mundane necessities. The urge to live a better life, the rat race to success leaves very little time for couples to spend time with each other and to bond. Gradually, they become strangers living under the same roof and somewhere the knot loosens.

* Family issues- Adaptability to circumstances and a little bit of compromise are the key ingredients behind a successful marriage. Whether it is a nuclear or a joint family, the bonding is necessary. But in some families, excessive interference of other family members in the matters of a couple leads to tension.

Marriage Separation and Consequences

2010-10-21T22:18:00.003+08:00

Formal or Informal Marriage Separation

A couple can seek legal separation (separate maintenance) by a court or informal separation, which eliminates costly expenses, including attorney and court costs. During time of separation, a couple can either reconcile any differences or may proceed onto the next step seeking a legal divorce. Most states require a couple legally separated by residing in different location at all times, which does not include separate bedrooms in the same house. A couple living apart does not constitute a legal separation. Some countries or states require a prerequisite of a legal separation for period of time, before filing for a legal divorce. Some couples can resolve their difference mutually during a separation by written agreement, which is drafted by a lawyer. However, desertion is different from a separation, which is recognized by courts, when one of the parties leaves without the intention of returning. Contrary, "Constructive desertion" occurs when one of the parties, forces the other person to leave. In such a situation, a court does not penalize a defendant for leaving, for their own protection or that of a child.

A couple may seek a trial separation, which is easily reversible then a legal separation, and hopefully through counseling will resolve problems. Resolving problems during an informal separation, does not involve the costly expense for hiring attorneys. Hopefully mutual equitable solutions can be ascertained, regarding working arrangements, possession of car, bank accounts, credit cards, child custody or any other personal items or matters. However, property division would require legal advise from an attorney. During this time, a couple can live together, but not necessarily sleep in the same room or bed. A formal separation despite being a costly expense, incurring time and pain, maybe be necessary, when a couple cannot resolve their differences. The process and procedures for obtaining a legal separation is the same for "Dissolution of Marriage," except the couple is still married. A court will govern what will happen during a legal separation, regarding issues of property division, child custody, alimony or spousal support, (If their incomes are substantially different). Typically, a court will have the power to resolve as part of a legal separation, any and all issues, that would be normally be resolved in a divorce. A marital settlement agreement is signed by both parties, and becomes a valid legal contract that is enforceable, if any terms are violated. A marital settlement is recognized in all states. A martial settlement agreement is not a divorce and cannot legally end a marriage. The terms of a separation agreement may be changed through a separate written agreement. Any part of a settlement agreement, regarding parenting and support of children, must be reviewed by a court, which ensures rights of the children adhere to their best interests.

A couple that is legally separated, may either live together or live in separate residences, for any number of reasons, including can't tolerate living together, continue receiving medical insurance by the other's spouse's company, and some religious beliefs prohibit divorce, but allow a legal separation, couple can live apart. Sometimes spouses may wish to remain legally separated, long enough to qualify in order to receive Social Security or military pension benefits, prior to a divorce. Any time during the process for obtaining a legal separation, either party may request the court to convert the proceedings, into dissolution of marriage or divorce. Most jurisdictions require a waiting or "cooling off" period, before a court will issue a divorce judgment. Beware, after a person obtains a final Decree of Legal Separation, they must go back to the court and file Petition For Dissolution of Marriage, if the legal separation wants to be changed to a final divorce.

When a couple seeks a separation, the person moving out, should consider the following: If the couple is living in a rental community, the person moving out, should remove their name off the lease and utility bills ( gas, electricity, phone, cable,

trash, paper, etc.), because you maybe held liable for any unpaid past due payments. Forward your mail to a post office box, close friend, relative or new permanent home address. Make copies of all tax records for the past six years. Beware any past taxes due are still your responsibility. Make a note of all address, phone numbers, account information, pension accounts, bank and credit accounts, insurance policies, and any other financial paperwork, that maybe divided during the separation or legal divorce. Place a freeze on all joint credit accounts, which prevents you from incurring debts, if your spouse fails to make any future payments. List all items in a safety deposit (preferable take pictures), which maybe divided later and take any personal items. Pack up all personal belongs, including: Clothing, medicine, family heirlooms, mementos, and any items you personal purchased yourself or received as a personal gift.

Certain states have their own laws regarding legal separation or do not recognize that status. According to Colorado law, parties who have been granted a decree of legal separation do not lose their inheritance rights. The state of Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Mississippi, Pennsylvania, and Texas do not accept or can't file for a legal separation. However, in the state of Florida, child support and alimony must be paid during a separation. In the state of New York, one year after filing of the Court's judgment of separation, either spouse may sue for "no-fault" divorce, based upon one year of living apart.

Couples should review their insurance coverage, regarding when coverage may be terminated, in the event of a legal separation.

Two Step Process in Marriage Separation

2010-06-23T21:00:00.004+08:00

Perhaps the most difficult part of a divorce is the initial separation. This is because there is usually great emotional pain associated with the breakdown of a marriage. Marital Separation is a TWO STEP PROCESS: -

1. The decision to separate; and
2. The actual physical separation itself.

Neither step is easy, especially if the desire to separate is not a mutual one.

Even if both parties know that the marriage has been rocky for some time, one party announcing to the other that he or she wants a divorce, can still be quite devastating. It means that in spite of the promises made to each other when they first got married, this person is effectively saying that they don't love or want the other person anymore.

Rejection is seldom pleasant, depending on how you react to it. It certainly disturbs a person's emotional well being and can be extremely damaging and debilitating if you let it.

Where the decision to separate is yours, you are likely to be more prepared psychologically for the news than your partner. These days, lots of women are "choosing" to separate and divorce rather than tolerate a rocky marriage. They are no longer happy in the relationship and are not willing to settle for less. These women often have the advantage, over other women, of being financially independent of the other spouse.

Even where the decision to separate does come from you, it will probably be as a result of a lot of soul-searching, heartache and agony. Such important decisions are seldom made lightly and often come at critical times in a marriage.

Some couples simply grow apart. Others were not well suited to begin with. It may be that the relationship has merely reached its "use-by date". We should not beat ourselves over the head or necessarily feel guilty. It is a pretty big order to expect two young people, in love, to make a decision to separate.

We should not beat ourselves over the head or necessarily feel guilty. It is a pretty big order to make a pledge to one another for life when they so often lack, because of their young years, the life experience to be fully informed of what is involved to really make a marriage work, for life. It should also be remembered that there are only two people in the world who truly understand the sexes unfortunately, nobody knows who they are!!

The Wicker Husband

2009-11-25T18:12:00.006+08:00

I found “The Wicker Husband” by Ursula Willis-Jones to be an interesting short story. I found that reading it, you can tell that the other was trying to emphasize what jealously can do to people and how it is probably the ugliest personality trait one can have. At first all of the people in the city would be disgusted by the ugly girl, but once she got a wonderful husband, everyone viewed her differently. That is very superficial. They never wanted to get to know the ugly girl. All they ever did was try to ruin her relationship with her wicker husband, because the wives were jealous she got him and the husbands were mad because he was such a caring and loving husband to the ugly lady. The author used many repetitive lines throughout the story. This helped emphasize how much of a problem the wicker husband caused for the other families, but I found it to be rather annoying. I hate reading basically the same thing over and over. The author went into great detail about the appearances of some of the characters which was good because I could basically picture them in my mind, which helps me to understand everything that is going on. While reading the short story, I felt almost guilty because people in real life act the way that the townspeople do sometimes. As wrong as it is, people always judge others to an extent from their external appearances without giving them a chance to show their true colors on their insides.

The Wicker Husband
By: Ursula Wills-Jones

Once upon a time, there was an ugly girl. She was short and dumpy, had one leg a bit shorter than the other, and her eyebrows met in the middle. The ugly girl gutted fish for a living, so her hands smelt funny and her dress was covered in scales. She had no mother or brother, no father, sister, or any friends. She lived in a ramshackle house on the outskirts of the village, and she never complained.
One by one, the village girls married the local lads, and up the path to the church they'd prance, smiling all the way. At the weddings, the ugly girl always stood at the back of the church, smelling slightly of brine. The village women gossiped about the ugly girl. They wondered what she did with the money she earnt. The ugly girl never bought a new frock, never made repairs to the house, and never drank in the village tavern.
Now, it so happened that outside the village, in a great damp swamp, lived an old basket-maker who was famed for the quality of his work. One day the old basket-maker heard a knock on his door. When he opened it, the ugly girl stood there. In her hand, she held six gold coins.
'I want you to make me a husband,' she said.
'Come back in a month,' he replied.
Well, the old basket-maker was greatly moved that the ugly girl had entrusted him with such an important task. He resolved to make her the best husband he could. He made the wicker husband broad of shoulder and long of leg, and all the other things women like. He made him strong of arm and elegant of neck, and his brows were wide and well-spaced. His hair was a fine dark brown, his eyes a greenish hazel.
When the day came, the ugly girl knocked on the basket-maker's door.
'He says today is too soon. He will be in the church tomorrow, at ten,' said the basket-maker. The ugly girl went away, and spent the day scraping scales from her dress.

< 2 >

Later that night, there was a knock on the door of the village tailor. When the tailor opened it, the wicker husband stood outside.
'Lend me a suit,' he said. 'I am getting married in the morning, and I cannot go to church naked.'
'Aaaaaaargh!' yelled the tailor, and ran out the back door.
The tailor's wife came out, wiping her hands. 'What's going on?' she said.
'Lend me a suit,' said the wicker husband. 'I am getting married tomorrow, and I cannot go to my wedding naked.'
The tailor's wife gave him a suit, and slammed the door in his face.
Next, there was a knock on the door of the village shoe-maker. When the shoe-maker opened it, the wicker husband stood there.
'Lend me some shoes,' he said. 'I am getting married in the morning, and I cannot go to church barefoot.'
'Aaaaaaargh!' yelled the shoe-maker, and he ran out the back door.
The shoe-maker's wife came out, her hands trembling.
'What do you want?' she said.
'Lend me some shoes,' said the wicker husband. 'I am getting married in the morning, and I cannot go to my wedding barefoot.'
The shoe-maker's wife gave him a pair of shoes, and slammed the door in his face. Next, the wicker husband went to the village inn.
'Give me a drink,' said the wicker husband. 'I am getting married tomorrow, and I wish to celebrate.'
'Aaaaaaargh!' yelled the inn-keeper and all his customers, and out they ran. The poor wicker husband went behind the bar, and poured himself a drink.
When the ugly girl got to church in the morning, she was mighty pleased to find her husband so handsome, and so well turned-out.

When the couple had enjoyed their first night of marriage, the wicker husband said to his wife: 'This bed is broken. Bring me a chisel: I will fix it.'

< 3 >

So like a good husband, he began to fix the bed. The ugly girl went out to gut fish. When she came back at the end of the day, the wicker husband looked at her, and said: 'I was made to be with you.'
When the couple had enjoyed their second night of marriage, the wicker husband said: 'This roof is leaky. Bring me a ladder: I will fix it.'
So, like a good husband, he climbed up and began to fix the thatch. The ugly girl went out to gut fish. When she returned in the evening, the wicker husband looked at his wife, and said: 'Without you, I should never have seen the sun on the water, or the clouds in the sky.'
When the couple had enjoyed their third night of marriage, the ugly girl got ready to out. 'The chimney needs cleaning,' she said, hopefully, 'And the fire could be laid...' But at this, the wicker husband ñ she was just beginning to learn his expressions ñ looked completely terrified. From this, the ugly girl came to understand that there are some things you cannot ask a man to do, even if he is very kind.
Over the weeks, the villagers began to notice a change in the ugly girl. If one of her legs was still shorter than the other, her hips moved with a swing that didn't please them. If she still smelt funny, she sang while she gutted the fish. She bought a new frock and wore flowers in her hair. Even her eyebrows no longer met in the middle: the wicker husband had pulled them out with his strong, withied fingers. When the villagers passed the ugly girl's house, they saw it had been painted anew, the windows sparkled, and the door no longer hung askew. You might think that all these changes pleased the villagers, but oh no. Instead, wives pointed out to husbands that their doors needed fixing, and why didn't they offer? The men retorted that maybe if their wives made an effort with new frocks and flowers in their hair, then maybe they'd feel like fixing the house, and everybody grumbled and cursed each other, but secretly, in their hearts, they blamed the ugly girl and her husband.

< 4 >

As to the ugly girl, she didn't notice all the jealousy. She was too busy growing accustomed to married life, and was finding that the advantages of a wicker husband outweighed his few shortcomings. The wicker husband didn't eat, and never complained that his dinner was late. He only drank water, the muddier the better. She was a little sad that she could not cook him dinner like an ordinary man, and watch him while he ate. In the cold nights, she hoped they would sit together close to the fire, but he preferred the darkness, far from the flames. The ugly girl got in the habit of calling across the room all the things she had to say to him. As winter turned to spring, and rain pelted down, the wicker husband became a little mouldy, and the ugly girl had to scrub him down with a brush and a bottle of vinegar. Spring turned to summer, and June was very dry. The wicker husband complained of stiffness in his joints, and spent the hottest hour of the day lying in the stream. The ugly girl took her fish-gutting, and sat on the bank, keeping him company.
Eventually the villagers were too ridden with curiosity to stand it any longer. There was a wedding in the village: the ugly girl and her husband were invited. At the wedding, there was music and dancing, and food and wine. As the musicians struck up, the wicker husband and the ugly girl went to dance. The villagers could not help staring: the wicker husband moved so fine. He lifted his dumpy wife like she was nought but a feather, and swung her round and round. He swayed and shimmered; he was elegant, he was graceful. As for the ugly girl: she was in heaven.
The women began to whisper behind their hands. Now, the blacksmith's wife was boldest, and she resolved to ask the wicker husband to dance. When the music paused she went towards the couple. The ugly girl was sitting in the wicker husband's lap, so he creaked a little. The blacksmith's wife was about to tap the wicker husband on the shoulder, but his arms were wrapped round the ugly girl.

< 5 >

'You are the only reason that I live and breathe,' the wicker husband said to his wife.
The blacksmith's wife heard what he said, and went off, sulking. The next day there were many frayed tempers in the village.
'You've got two left feet!' shouted the shoe-maker's wife at her husband.
'You never tell me anything nice!' yelled the blacksmith's wife.
'All you do is look at other women!' shouted the baker's wife, though how she knew was a mystery, as she'd done nothing but stare at the wicker husband all night. The husbands fled their homes and congregated in the tavern.
'T'aint right,' they muttered, 'T'isn't natural.'
'E's showing us up.'
'Painting doors.'
'Fixing thatch.'
'Murmuring sweet nothings.'
'Dancing!' muttered the blacksmith, and they all spat.
'He's not really a man,' muttered the baker. 'An abomination!'
'He don't eat.'
'He don't grumble.'
'He don't even fart,' added the tailor, gloomily.
The men shook their heads, and agreed that it couldn't go on.
Meanwhile the women congregated in each other's kitchens.
'It's not right,' they muttered. 'Why does she deserve him?'
'It's an enchantment,' they whispered. 'She bewitched him.'
'She'll be onto our husbands next, I expect,' said the baker's wife. 'We should be careful.'
'She needs to be brought down a peg or two.'
'Fancies that she's better than the rest of us, I reckon.'
'Flowers in her hair!!'
'Did you see her dancing?'
And they all agreed that it couldn't go on.
One day the wicker husband was on his way back from checking the fish-traps, when he was accosted by the baker.

< 6 >

'Hello,' said the baker. The wicker husband was a little surprised: the baker never bothered to speak to him. 'You made an impression the other night.'
'I did?' said the wicker husband.
'Oh yes,' continued the baker. 'The women are all aflutter. Don't you ever think ñ well...'
'What?' said the wicker husband, completely confused.
'Man like you,' said the baker. 'Could do well for himself. A lot of opportunities...' He leaned forward, so the wicker husband recoiled. The baker's breath smelt of dough, which he found unpleasant. 'Butcher's wife,' added the baker meaningfully. 'Very taken. I know for a fact that he's not at home. Gone to visit his brother in the city. Why don't you go round?'
'I can't,' said the wicker husband. 'My wife's waiting for me at home.' And he strode off, up the lane. The baker went home, annoyed.
Now the wicker husband, who was too trusting, thought less of this of this than he should, and did not warn his wife that trouble was brewing. About a week later, the ugly girl was picking berries in the hedgerow, when the tailor's wife sidled up. Her own basket was empty, which made the ugly girl suspicious.
'My dear!' cried the tailor's wife, fluttering her hands.
'What d'you want?' said the ugly girl.
The tailor's wife wiped away a fake tear, and looked in both directions. 'My dear,' she whispered. 'I'm only here to warn you. Your husband ñ he's been seen with other women.'
'What other women?' said the ugly girl.
The tailor's wife fluttered her hands. This wasn't going as she intended. 'My dear, you can't trust men. They're all the same. And you can't expect ñ a man like him, and a woman like you ñ frankly ñ'
The ugly girl was so angry that she hit the tailor's wife with her basket, and ran off, up the lane. The ugly girl went home, and ñ knowing more of cruelty than her husband did ñ thought on this too much and too long. But she did not want to upset her husband, so she said nothing.

< 7 >

The tailor's wife came home fuming, with scratches all over her face. That night, the wives and husbands of the village all agreed ñ for once ñ that something drastic had to be done.

A few days later the old basket-maker heard a knocking at his door. When he opened it, the villagers stood outside. Right on cue, the tailor's wife began to weep, pitifully.
'What's the matter?' said the old basket-maker.
'She's childless,' said the baker's wife, sniffing.
'Not a son,' said the tailor, sadly.
'Or a daughter.'
'No-one to comfort them in their old age,' added the butcher.
'It's breaking their hearts,' went on the baker.
'So we've come to ask ñ'
'If you'll make us a baby. Out of wicker.'
And they held out a bag of gold.
'Very well,' said the old basket-maker. 'Come back in a month.'
Well, one dusky day in autumn, the ugly girl was sitting by the fire, when there came a knock at the door. The wicker husband opened it. Outside, stood the villagers. The tailor's wife bore a bundle in her arms, and the bundle began to whimper.
'What's that?' said the ugly girl.
'This is all your fault,' hissed the butcher, pointing at the wicker husband.
'Look what you've done!' shouted the baker.
'It's an abomination,' sneered the inn-keeper. 'Not even human!'
The tailor pulled away the blanket. The ugly girl saw that the baby was made of wicker. It had the same shaped nose, the same green eyes that her husband did.
'Tell me it's not true!' she cried.
But the wicker husband said nothing. He just stared at the baby. He had never seen one of his own kind before, and now ñ his heart filled up with tenderness. When the ugly girl saw this on his face, a great cloud of bitterness came upon her. She sank to the floor, moaning.

< 8 >

'Filthy, foul, creature!' cried the tailor. 'I should burn it!' He seized the baby, and made to fling it into the blaze. At this, the wicker husband let out a yell. Forward he leapt.
The ugly girl let out a terrible cry. She took the lamp, and flung it straight at her husband. The lamp burst in shards of glass. Oil went everywhere. Flames began to lick at the wicker husband's chest, up his neck, into his face. He tried to beat at the flames, but his fingers grew oily, and burst into fire. Out he ran, shrieking, and plunged into the river.
'Well, that worked well,' said the butcher, in a satisfied manner.
The villagers did not spare a second glance for the ugly girl, but went home again to their dinners. On the way, the tailor's wife threw the wicker baby in the ditch. She stamped on its face. 'Ugh,' she said. 'Horrible thing.'
The next day the ugly girl wandered the highways, weeping, her face smeared in ashes.
'Have you seen my husband?' she asked passing travellers, but they saw madness in her eyes, and spurred their horses on. Dusk fell. Stumbling home, scarce knowing where she was, the ugly girl heard a sound in the ditch. Kneeling, she found the wicker baby. It wailed and thrashed, and held up its hands. The ugly girl saw in its face her husband's eyes, and her husband's nose. She coddled it to her chest and took it home.
Now, the old basket maker knew nothing of all this. One day, the old man took it into his head to see how his creations were faring. He walked into town, and knocked on the tailor's door. The wife answered.
'How is the baby?' he said.
'Oh that,' she said. 'It died.' And she shut the door in his face. The old basket-maker walked on, till he came to the ugly girl's place. The door was closed, the garden untended, and dirt smeared the windows. The old basket-maker knocked on the door. No-one answered, though he waited a very long time.

< 9 >

The old-basket maker went home, disheartened. He was walking the long dark road into the swamp, when he heard something in the rushes. At first he was afraid: he wrapped his scarf closer round his face. But the thing seemed to follow him. From time to time, it groaned.
'Who's there?' called the old man.
Out onto the roadway staggered the most broken and bedraggled, the most pathetic and pitiful thing. The old basket-maker stared at what was left of the wicker husband: his hands consumed by fire, his face equally gone. Dark pits of scorched wood marred his chest. Where he had burnt, he had started to rot.
'What have they done to my children?' cried the old basket-maker.
The wicker husband said nothing: he had lost his tongue.
The old basket-maker took the wicker husband home. As daylight came, the old basket-maker sat down to repair him. But as he worked, his heart grew hot with anger.
'I made you, but I failed you,' he said. 'I will not send you there again.'
Eventually, the wicker husband looked as good as new, though the smell of burning still clung. But as the days passed, a damp black mould began to grow on him. The old basket-maker pulled out the rotting withies and replaced them. But it seemed useless: the wicker husband rotted from the inside, outwards.
At last, the old basket-maker saw there was nothing else to be done. He took up his travelling cloak, set out at night, and passed through the village. He came to the ugly girl's house. In the garden, wreathed in filth, stood the ugly girl, cuddling a child. She was singing the saddest lullaby he had ever heard. The old basket-maker saw that the child was the one he'd made, and his heart softened a little. He stepped out of the shadows.
'Why do you keep the baby,' he said, 'when you cast your husband from home?'
The ugly girl cried out, to hear someone speak to her.

< 10 >

'It is all I have left of my husband,' she said at last. 'Though it is proof he betrayed me, I could not leave it in the ditch to die.'
'You are a fool,' he said. 'It was I that made the child. Your husband is innocent.'
At this, the ugly girl let out a cry, and ran towards the river. But old basket-maker caught her arm. 'Wait - I have something to show you,' he said.
The ugly girl walked behind him, through the swamp where the water sucked and burbled, carrying the baby. As the sun rose, she saw that its features were only those of the old basket-maker, who, like any maker, had passed down his face to his creations.
When they came to the dwelling, the ugly girl opened the door, and saw her husband, sitting in darkness.
'It cannot be you,' she said. 'You are dead. I know: I killed you myself.'
'I was made for you alone,' said the wicker husband, 'But you threw me away.'
The ugly girl let out a cry so loud, birds surfaced from the marches for miles around, and threw herself at her husband's feet.

A few days later, the villagers were surprised to see the old basket-maker standing outside the church.
'I have something to say,' he said. 'Soon I will retire. But first, I am making my masterwork - a woman made of wicker. If you want her, you can have her. But you must bring me a gift for my retirement. Whoever brings me the best gift can have the wicker woman.'
Then he turned round and went back to the swamp.
Behind him, the villagers began to whisper. Hadn't the wicker husband been tall and graceful? Hadn't he been a hard worker? Hadn't he been handsome, and eager to please his wife?
Next day, the entire village denied any interest in the wicker lady, but secretly began to plan. Men eyed up prize cows; women sneaked open jewellery boxes.

< 11 >

'That wicker husband worked like a slave, and never even ate,' said the shoe-maker's wife to her husband. 'Get me the wicker woman as a servant, I'll live like a lady, never lift a finger.'
'That wicker husband never quarrelled with anyone, never even raised his voice. Not like you, you old fishwife,' the inn-keeper said to his wife.
'That wicker husband never tired, and never had a headache,' said the butcher to the baker. 'Imagine...!'
'Lend me a shilling, cousin,' said the shoe-maker's wife. 'I need a new petticoat.'
'I can't,' lied the blacksmith's wife. 'I spent it on medicine. The child was very sick.'
'I need that back-rent you owe me,' said the butcher, who owned the tailor's house.
'Been a very bad season in the tailoring trade,' muttered the tailor. 'You'll get it soon.'
The butcher went into town, hired a lawyer, and got the tailor evicted from his house. The tailor and his wife had to go and live in the shoe-maker's shed.
'But what are you going to do with the empty house?' asked the butcher's wife.
'Nothing,' said the butcher, who thought the place would do admirably to keep a mistress. The butcher's wife and the tailor's wife had a fight in the market, and went home with black eyes. In the tavern, no-one spoke, but only eyed each other, suspiciously. The lawyer was still in town. Rumour had it that the tailor's wife was suing for divorce: the inn-keeper's wife had her husband arrested after she found the stairs had been greased. In short, the fields went uncut, the cows went unmilked, ovens uncleaned: the village was obsessed.
When the day came, the old basket-maker came to town, and sat on the churchyard wall. The villagers brought their gifts. First the tailor, who'd made a luxurious coat. Next the miller, bringing twelve sacks of grain. The baker made the most extravagant cake; the carpenter brought a table and chairs, the carter a good strong horse. The blacksmith's wife staggered up with a cheese the size of a millwheel. Her cousin, the tailor's wife, arrived with a bag of gold.

< 12 >

'Where d'you get that, wife?' said her husband, amazed.
'Never you mind,' she snapped.
The inn-keeper's wife wasn't there: she'd slipped while climbing the stairs.
Last to come was the butcher. He'd really outdone the others: two oxen, four cows, and a dozen sheep.
The old-basket maker looked around him. 'Well,' he said. 'I think the prize goes to... the butcher. I'll just take these and be back, with the wicker lady.'
The butcher was so pleased, spittle ran from his mouth.
'Can I have my grain back?' said the miller.
'No no,' said the old man. 'That wasn't the bargain.' And he began to load all the goods onto the horse. The villagers would have fallen on each other, fighting, but they were so desperate to see the wicker lady, they just stood there, to wait.
It was dusk by the time the basket-maker returned. The wicker woman was seated on the horse, shrouded in a cloak, veiled like a bride. From under the cloak, white flowers fell. As she passed the villagers, a most marvellous smell drifted down.
The butcher stood outside the tailor's old house. He'd locked his wife in the coal cellar in preparation.
The old basket-maker held out a hand, and helped the lady dismount. The butcher smelt her fragrance. From under the veil, he thought he saw her give him a saucy glance. He was so excited, he hopped from foot to foot.
The wicker lady lifted her veil: she took off her cloak. The butcher stared at her. The wicker lady was short of stature and twisted of limb, her face was dark and rough. But worse than that ñ from head to foot, she was covered in thorns.
'What have you done?' shrieked the butcher.
'Ah,' said the old basket-maker. 'The wicker husband was made of willow. Willow is the kindest of trees: tall, elegant, pliable, of much assistance in easing pain. But I saw that you did not like him. Therefore I made you the wicker lady from blackthorn. Blackthorn is cold, hard, and thorny - it will not be killed, either by fire or frost.'

< 13 >

The villagers would have fallen on the old basket-maker there and then, had not the wicker lady stepped forward. She seized hold of the butcher and reached up to kiss him. The butcher let out a howl. When he pulled his lips away, they were shredded and tattered: blood ran down his chin. Then, with a bang, the butcher's wife broke out of the coal cellar, and ran down the road. Seeing the wicker lady kissing her husband, she screamed, and fell on her. The two of them rolled in the gutter, howling and scratching.
Just then, the lawyer piped up. 'Didn't you check the details first?' he said. 'It's very important. You should always check the small print.'
The men of the village took their butcher's knives and pitchforks and tailoring shears, and chased the lawyer out of town. When they'd run out of breath, they stopped.
'That old fraud the basket-maker,' said the baker. 'He tricked us.'
So they turned round and began to go back in the other direction, on the road into the swamp. In the darkness they stumbled and squelched, lost their way and nearly drowned. It was light by the time they came to the old basket-maker's dwelling, but the old basket-maker, the wicker husband, the ugly girl and the baby, as well as all the villagers' goods, had already upped, and gone.
top

Can Your Marriage Survive a Crisis?

2009-11-24T18:45:00.002+08:00

Crisis Can Strengthen or Rupture a Marriage

The true test of a marriage's strength comes through crisis: death, illness, unemployment or other personal disasters. During these difficult times a couple either learns to lean on each other, or they simply isolate and the fabric of the relationship comes unravelled. Why?

Many people were never adequately prepared to deal with adversity. When faced with a spouses disability, or the illness or loss of a child, they simply refuse to deal with reality and abandon the situation. Others play the blame game. If only you had, if you listened, and on and on, they
unload their grief and anger on each other.

How does a couple avoid the pitfalls inherent in such situations? First, avoid the temptation to cast blame. It is too easy when emotions are running high to lash out in anger. Try and recognize and validate your partner's feelings. Let each other know how much you need each other. Put off any sort of intensive talks until the situation has calmed down.

Don't isolate from your partner. Let each other know what you are feeling and why. There is no shame in expressing grief and hurt. Men are particularly good at trying to keep a stiff upper lip, and internalizing their emotions. They often need the reassurance that we don't think any less of them for crying or showing grief. This can be a very moving and profound moment in your marriage. Very often, a man, once he's been given permission to express his deepest feelings, will find himself much more open and loving in all other areas of his relationship with his wife.

If sudden unemployment is the issue, sit down and calmly discuss options and plans to weather the financial loss. Complaining about it or casting aspersions on your partner's abilities as a wage earner is cruel and counterproductive. Reassure him/her that something positive will come of
this, and you both will work through this together.

The marriage vows state for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. If your loved one is diagnosed with a chronic illness, it will place great stress on the marriage. Enormous sensitivity is called for in dealing with this issue

Use crisis situations to deepen and intensify the love you have for each other. Instead of avoiding or fighting the situation, go through it step by step, side by side. Your marriage will deepen and build layers of rich complexity as a result.

Self Analysis: Have you ever faced a truly difficult situation together? How did the both of you handle it?

Unhappy Marriage? Divorce may not be the solution for an unhappy marriage!

2009-11-22T12:24:00.001+08:00

Most people think that they are in an unhappy marriage because they are simply not compatible anymore. They think that their differences cannot be resolved. A lot of the times, it is not an issue of incompatibility, it is simply because they do not have the resources to find a solution to their unhappy marriage. The word "incompatibility" is a nominalization (a process noun), and such words create the impression that nothing can be done about the incompatibility and hence, their unhappy marriage. A more empowering question to ask would be "How can we be more compatible with each other?"

If you are thinking unhappy marriage, it could be because you are stuck in a rut of thinking about the "unhappy marriage" problem and how to fix it. That is called problem thinking which revolves around what wrong or needs to be fixed rather than what is sought after. A more empowering alternative would be outcome thinking which provides focus for what you want to achieve, the ensuing effects and the resources required to achieve it.

Here are some questions that you can ask so the you can find the resources to overcome an unhappy marriage and achieve the marriage that you've always dreamed of.

Questions to ask yourself if you are in an unhappy marriage:

Unhappy marriage solution Q1

Is it worth saving my marriage?

Most people think that divorcing is an inevitable solution for an unhappy marriage. At the end of the day, the question of whether it is worth saving your marriage is one that only you can answer. Usually, we all have parts in us that want contradicting outcomes. Does one part want a divorce and another still loves your spouse? That is natural - realize that both parts are serving a positive intention of making sure that you are happy. If you have even a tiny part in you that still loves your spouse then read on.

Unhappy marriage solution Q2:

What do you want instead?

Usually in an unhappy marriage, there might be a perceived incompatibility in the following areas: physical, mental, spiritual and emotional.

Emotional Compatibility – Ability to empathize with a partner’s emotion. Level of caring, love and nurturing shown towards each other.

Intellectual compatibility – Enjoying similar interests. Enjoying similar types of discussion.

Physical compatibility – Frequency and quality of sex. Tuning into each other's sexual rhythms.

Spiritual compatibility – Seeing “eye to eye” and sharing spiritual values. It does not mean belonging to the same religion.

Overall energetic compatibility - Indicates the harmonization of the masculine and feminine energy between the couple.

So the question to ask here is, how specifically do you want to be physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually compatible?

Be detailed in your description. Do not censor what you write. Begin with the sentence "If I can have anything I want ...."

Unhappy marriage solution Q3:

What are the resources needed to get what you want?

The marriage problem solving steps can help you overcome an unhappy marriage or rather, manifest the kind of marriage that you have always wanted.

Energy follows thought. If you focus your thoughts on "unhappy marriage", then that is where more and more of your energy goes. You end up getting more and more of what you do not want ie, "unhappy marriage". Hopefully the questions have set you thinking in a different direction from what you have been used to.

FORGIVENESS IS A CHOICE

2009-10-11T01:19:00.002+08:00

If you want to be completely healed from all the bitterness and pain of your husband’s betrayal, and if want your marriage to survive, you will have to forgive him.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you try to short circuit the natural process of grieving, or deny that you’ve been hurt. To come to the place of forgiveness you must first admit you’ve been hurt – deeply.

Forgiveness will cost you everything, and cost your husband nothing. It means you will never hold what he did against him again; his debt, which he can never repay, will be completely erased.

Forgiving your husband for his sin against you may be the most Christ-like thing you ever do, and it will identify you with Christ like nothing else can. Jesus was killed by the people He loved, so the people He loved could be close to Him. You’ve been betrayed by the man you love, and the only way you can ever remove every barrier between you and your husband is to forgive him as Christ forgives.

If you withhold forgiveness, you’ll keep yourself trapped in bitterness and pain. Your bitterness will continue to be a wall between you and your husband that will keep your marriage stuck in resentment, misfired communication, and hurt feelings.

Forgiveness doesn’t give him the permission to abuse your grace and indulge in sexual sin. It doesn’t mean you stop holding him accountable for his actions, or that he no longer needs to go all out in the battle against lust.

Forgiveness is a choice, a powerful act of the will; it’s not something you will feel like doing. It’s giving up of all of your anger and releasing your husband from all expectation to grovel, or make it right. (Which, he can’t.)

When you forgive him, you allow God’s grace to flow freely through your heart, flush out all of your pain and anger, and fill you with His peace. You tear down a wall that was between you and God, and you and your husband. Your forgiveness allows God’s grace to flow to your husband and lift his shame and guilt. It is only after you forgive when you will find peace again.

If you’re struggling with providing forgiveness, Jesus can give you the power to let it go, if you’re willing.

Emotional Infidelity: Top 10 Signs of Emotional Infidelity

2009-09-30T18:05:00.004+08:00

Emotional infidelity is the new fad on the internet and is appropriately titled cyber cheating.Many homes have one to two computers making it easy to carry on an emotional affair without the partner ever knowing. It's convenient, cheap and fun! A person can learn a lot about an internet stranger by communicating through a few emails, texts or chats, all without the embarrassment of meeting in person.

The sharing of personal information with strangers online is commonplace on the internet. Personal details are shared on chat boards, personal websites, blogs, message boards and porn sites. Emotional infidelity is an infidelity that occurs through emotions, feelings or thoughts, rather than physical in nature. With the increase in technology through the internet and cell phones, the traditional term of infidelity has become broader to include thoughts and/or feelings. Emotional infidelity can include anything from texting someone intimately via cell phone to emailing intimate correspondence, exchanging personal photos or viewing pornography.

According to an on-going poll of over 1,000 women conducted by http://www.WomanSavers.com, about 51 percent of women believed that viewing porn was emotional cheating. In a similar WomanSaverï¿½s poll, 63 percent of all women felt that online affairs constituted infidelity. The main difference between physical infidelity and emotional infidelity is physical contact. Physical infidelity involves people meeting directly and then engaging in physical intimacy. Emotional infidelity can occur in distant locations with absolutely no physical contact occurring. The primary difference between traditional cheating and emotional infidelity is actual, physical contact. With emotional infidelity, there may be a meeting, but it can occur on a cell phone or a computer. Some people who emotionally cheat donï¿½t consider the act to be a true form of infidelity because there is no physical contact. Others see no difference between physical and emotional infidelity because emotional infidelity has the same basic behavioral actions as traditional infidelity.

When actor Brad Pitt became emotionally involved with Angelina Jolie on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith,it was only a matter of time before their emotional infidelity led to physical infidelity, resulting in a divorce between he and Jennifer Anniston. When a person cheats, they flirt and seduce another regardless of whether they are in physical contact or not. The problem results when the partner pays emotional or physical attention to someone other than their mate.

In another poll conducted by http://www.WomanSavers.com, over 70 percent of all women felt that emotional affairs could lead to physical affairs. An emotional affair can begin quite innocently and as time passes the information two people exchange becomes more intimate. As the trust factor increases, so does the curiosity, which many times ends up in a physical meeting.

When a person is not getting their emotional needs met in a relationship, they seek it from someone who will give it to them. All people want to be loved, acknowledged, validated and needed. Humans want to be desired. If those needs aren't getting met through their partner, they go online and find someone who meets their needs and begin cyber cheating. There are plenty of strangers online who will fulfill those needs, especially if deceit is involved. Many people lie to the online strangers in order to get the attention they think they deserve. The person may tell the stranger how mean and distant their partner is so the stranger feels pity for them. Many married people tell online strangers they are separated or divorcing when this is far from the truth.

With the ease of meeting new people through the internet and through various communication devices, the number of people engaged in emotional infidelity and cyber cheating will increase. However, it is important for the parties engaging in the communications to consider the consequences and pain these acts may have on their partner. A good way to determine what is and what is not acceptable is to ask yourself if you would be okay with your partner engaging in the same type of behavior with another. If the answer is no, then you should definitely back off because emotional infidelity can hurt just as deeply as physical unfaithfulness.

The following behavioral signs are the top 10 signs of emotional infidelity. If any of these ring a bell in regards to your relationship, perhaps you are not as close to your partner as you should be.

1. You have little or no sex. Partner is always too busy or tired.
2. You have petty arguments.
3. You feel like you don't have anything in common any more.
4. One of you is no longer attracted to the other.
5. Partner spends unusually long periods of time on cell phone or computer.
6. Partner suddenly becomes hypercritical about your appearance.
7. Partner becomes secretive or defensive when questioned about their behavior.
8. Partner loses interest in relationship or family activities.
9. Partner stays on computer very late at night after you have retired.
10. Partner secures their computer in a locked area or with passwords you don't have access to.

If your relationship shows any of the above signs, it may be time to communicate with your partner to try to reconnect. If you dont, this supposed casual friendship can quickly turn from cyber cheating into something more.

Talk to your partner and tell them what you need and want. Don't be afraid to express your true feelings, including your insecurities and concerns. A loving mate will be understanding of your feelings and work through it with you. Tell your partner that you miss them and you need their devotion and attention. This will help reopen the communication channels.

Written by Stephany Alexander, http://www.womansavers.com ©

Unhappy Marriage Reflects Spouse's Depression

2009-06-12T14:48:00.003+08:00

One Spouse's Mental Health Problems Can Cause Unhappy Marriage for Both

When one spouse suffers from depression, both will have an unhappy marriage, new research shows.

There is a growing body of research indicating that mental health and unhappy marriages are closely entwined, writes lead researcher Mark A. Whisman, PhD, with the University of Colorado at Boulder. His paper appears in the October issue of the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology.

Being in a relationship with someone with mental health problems may lower the satisfaction for the partner, he writes. The burden of living with someone who has mental health problems takes a toll.

However, few researchers have investigated the effects of both partners' mental health on the relationship

Depression, Unhappy Marriage Linked
For their study, Whisman and his colleagues recruited 774 married couples from seven states. Each partner was tested for depression, anxiety, and whether they had a happy or unhappy marriage.

Researchers found that each spouse's level of anxiety and depression predicted an unhappy marriage for the depressed spouse and the other spouse as well.

The more anxious and/or depressed either spouse was, the more dissatisfied he or she was with the marriage. Depression -- more than anxiety -- affected whether a person considered themselves to be in a happy or unhappy marriage. The researchers found that there were no differences between the sexes in the magnitude of the effects.

A spouse's level of depression also predicted martial satisfaction, and other studies have shown a similar pattern.

There's a possible flaw in this study: If a spouse was depressed when completing questionnaires about his or her unhappy marriage, it might have affected how he or she responded.

Top 7 Ways an Unhappy Marriage Can Ruin Your Health

2009-06-12T14:21:00.003+08:00

Just as a happy marriage can keep you healthy, an unhappy, stressful relationship can shorten your life. Here are some of the ways that discord in a marriage can make you ill.

1. Changes in Systems
Unhappy married folks, especially women, experience changes in their endocrine and immune systems.

2. Hormones
You may have elevated levels of epinephrine and cortisol hormones.

3. Blood Pressure
Stressed individuals often show increases in blood pressure readings.

4. Pain
Folks in unhappy relationships could have a greater experience of pain.

5. Gum Disease
People are prone to more gum disease and cavities when facing marital problems.

6. Ulcers
You may suffer from ulcers in the stomach and intestine.

7. Influenza and Common Cold
Lack of harmony in marriage can cause couples to have a higher incidence of influenza and the common cold.

Saving Your Marriage

2009-04-06T02:23:00.004+08:00

You Can Fix Your Broken Marriage!

It can be difficult to try and resurrect a troubled marriage, but there are things you can do to reconnect with your spouse and fan the flames of lost love.

The key to solving most marriage problems is to bring the issues to the forefront and utilize creative strategies to breakdown the barriers of conflict. Once the conflict is resolved you can focus on falling in love with your partner again - this time for good.

Quick Tips for Saving Your Marriage

Accepting the Facts
The first step in climbing out of your marriage problems is to admit that they exist. You must confront the fact that things have changed between you are your spouse while making a resolution to fix them. Hiding from the issues or hoping that they will go away will not solve anything. Accept the situation for what it is and prepare yourself for the challenge that lies ahead.

Identify the Issues
Of course it is hard to solve a problem you can't see, and this is why you have to be able to describe the precise conflicts within your marriage. If you only know that your spouse has changed in the way they communicate with you then you do not have enough information to fix the issue. Find out why these changes have occurred. The best way to do this is to begin conversation and offer plenty of opportunities for them to "open up". Keep you ears open for any subtle hints they may divulge.

Persistence is Vital
There are plenty of obstacles for you to succumb to while trying to fix your relationship. Your spouse may be difficult to communicate with or you might be facing outside pressures from family and work that prevent you from focusing on your goals. Even if these barriers apply to you, the only way you will succeed in your mission is by being persistent. It is easy to give up the first time things don't go your way, but just because one approach fails doesn't mean that something else won't work.

Learn to Reconnect
Saving marriage isn't all about solving problems, it also involves reigniting the passion and love you had for each other in the past. You can try to fan the flames of love by surprising your partner with special surprises or dates. Think of the most romantic times you had together and recreate them with while adding a unique approach. The goal is to grab their attention and simplifying your relationship down to natural attraction. If you can heat up the passion then the other problems will quickly be overlooked.

Seek the Right Advice
No one expects you to know everything about marriage counseling, and with all of the resources available you shouldn't have to. The one thing you should be leery of though is the advice you get from family and friends. It is only polite to listen to what these people have to say, but you should ultimately look for expert advice from books or counseling sessions before making any important decisions. You can save your marriage, but you can also ruin it by following bad advice.

Tips To Prevent Your Marriage From Being Destroyed By Financial Stress

2009-04-06T02:13:00.003+08:00

Couples often marry before discussing the very important subject of finances, which is often at the very forefront of marital problems. When each partner has different views on finances, this can lead to a breakdown of communications, arguments, even separation.

Here are some tips to help prevent your marriage from being destroyed by financial stress:

1.BE OPEN WITH EACH OTHER
2.DISCUSS BANK AND CREDIT CARD ACCOUNTS
3.DECIDE WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT
4.ANALYZE EARNINGS AND BUDGETING
5.DO NOT UNDERMINE YOUR PARTNER

Who Has Affairs? Why Do People Have Affairs?

2007-07-30T05:05:00.000+08:00

Who Has Affairs?

We tend to think that only bad people have affairs or only people in bad relationships. But no one is immune from an affair.

Monogamy is something most people say they believe in and want for themselves. Every survey ever done on this question shows a high percentage of people think monogamy is important to marriage and that affairs are wrong.

But a belief in monogamy as an ideal doesn't prevent large numbers of people from having extramarital affairs. Most people don't intend to have an affair and most people don't think it will happen to them�but it does.
Bottom Line: No one is immune from having affairs disrupt their lives or the lives of those they care about; they happen to all kinds of people, in all walks of life.

Why Do People Have Affairs?

The first question most people ask when they learn of their partner's affair is, "Why?" And the answers they come up with are usually based on personal blame. They blame themselves, their partner, their relationship, or the third party. They see it strictly as a personal problem, a personal failure of the people involved. This is a very simple explanation for a very complex question.

Usually there are three different kinds of forces that are working together:

Forces within the individual that pull them toward affairs
Forces within the individual that push them toward affairs
Societal factors

Forces within the individual that pull them toward affairs:

Attraction: sex, companionship, admiration, power
Novelty
Excitement, risk, or challenge
Curiosity
Enhanced self-image
Falling in love

Forces within the individual that push them toward affairs:

Desire to escape or find relief from a painful relationship
Boredom
Desire to fill gaps in an existing relationship
Desire to punish one's partner
Need to prove one's attractiveness or worth
Desire for attention

Societal factors

Affairs are glamorized in movies, soap operas, romance novels, and TV shows of all kinds. Public disclosure of public figures having affairs is headline news because we are fascinated and titillated by hearing of others' affairs.

People are bombarded with images of women as sex objects in advertising and marketing campaigns. Over and over, the message to men is that the good life includes a parade of sexy women in their lives. Women inadvertently buy into this image and strive to achieve it.

The lack of good sex education and the existence of sexual taboos combine to make it difficult for most partners to talk honestly about sex.

As teenagers we get conditioned in deception when it comes to sex�engaging in sexual activity while hiding it from our parents.

The code of secrecy is a major factor in affairs because it provides protection for the person having affairs and leads them to believe they won't get caught.

Bottom Line: There is no ONE single reason a person has an affair. There are usually many reasons, including some of the forces that pull them toward affairs and some of the forces that push them toward affairs, combined with the influence of the general factors in society that contribute to affairs.

Myths and Fact about Extramarital Affairs

2007-07-30T04:58:00.000+08:00

Myth: Affairs happen in unhappy or unloving marriages.

Fact: Affairs can happen in good marriages. Affairs are less about love and more about sliding across boundaries.

Myth: Affairs occur mostly because of sexual attraction.

Fact: The lure of an affair is how the unfaithful partner is mirrored back through the adoring eyes of the new love. Another appeal is that individuals experience new roles and opportunities for growth in new relationships.

Myth: A cheating spouse almost always leaves clues, so a naïve spouse must be burying his or her head in the sand.

Fact: The majority of affairs are never detected. Some individuals can successfully compartmentalize their lives or are such brilliant liars that their partner never finds out.

Myth: A person having an affair shows less interest in sex at home.

Fact: The enticement of an affair can increase passion at home and make sex even more interesting.

Myth: The person having an affair isn’t “getting enough” at home.

Fact: The truth is that the unfaithful partner may not be giving enough. In fact, the spouse who gives too little is at a greater risk than the spouse who gives too much because he or she is less invested.

Myth: A straying partner finds fault with everything you do.

Fact: He or she may in fact become Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful in order to escape detection. Most likely, he or she will be alternately critical and devoted.

Surprisingly the infidelity we must contend with in this day and age is of a new sort, and as long as we believe affairs are about a 3rd party being sexier or prettier or nicer than the spouse, we are not only vulnerable to affairs, we have potential to further injure devastated friends or family members dealing with this horrific blow to their marriage.

Affairs require secrecy, deception and lies in order to thrive. By playing a part in ending the “code of silence” we believe we can play a part in diminishing the growth of extramarital affairs in our society, and the pain experienced by those on all ends of affairs including the innocent children.

We want to inspire people. If an affair has taken place, you cannot go back and undo it. As Solomon said, “It is water under the bridge … what is wronged cannot be righted.”

So what of your future if you’ve once been betrayed? Will you allow the pain to destroy you? Will it crush you forever? Will the rest of your life be inundated with bitterness?

Or are you going to rise up, fight for yourself, fight for your marriage - if you want to, and no matter what your spouse chooses to do, heal yourself. Find meaning through all the pain, and allow it to be your catalyst to spur you on to a better, stronger, happier, and more fulfilled you. And if your spouse is willing to do the work, spur you on to a marriage beyond what you had imagined possible before.

9 Powers of Apologizing: Communication to Heal Your Relationships

2007-05-22T18:18:00.000+08:00

There are many powers of apologizing. They go beyond healing your relationships too encouraging open communication and repairing self-esteem. Here are the 9 powers of apologizing:

1. When you admit your mistakes and do not hide your weaknesses, other people you come across are more able to do the same. They own more courage to begin practicing the power of apologizing. You act as a role model and an encourager.

2. We all are extremely flawed. Yeah, that is the suck reality. If we were cars, we'd breakdown every 50 miles and require servicing just as often. But we are not mechanical beings. Thank goodness for that. We are Earthlings who reside on a planet of mistakes and apologies are an absolute necessity to bring balance in our lives. I am sure most Christians are aware we all constantly sin and make mistakes despite our desires to do what is right and good. We are only Earthlings.

3. When apologizing you begin to fix the problem you created and the healing process begins. By not apologizing you are merely sweeping dirt under a rug. By not apologizing you are covering up your actions hoping to get on with life. It does not work that way. The problem will reappear and bite you when you least expect it and at the worst time. That is one of Murphy's Law which states that the worst thing will happen the worst way and at the worst possible time.

4. If someone hurts you it is justice to have them apologize to you. For some reason this is not the case when we hurt someone. The hurting person desires your sympathy as much as you desire theirs.

5. Apologizing is giving back what you have taken. You restore the victims feeling of worthiness and self-esteem. When a person is continually damaged from someone else's actions and lack of apologies, their entire self-concept goes straight in the bin. They feel absolutely useless. Yes, not apologizing is that powerfully destructive. This principle is more so true for children. A child cannot be expected to accept other's mistakes that damage how they feel of themselves as being a part of life.

6. By having complete responsibility of your actions you possess an enormous amount of self-control. You do not become a victim of others. You become your own person. You begin to create your own destiny. By taking action and guiding your thoughts and feelings, you stop blaming others for what has happened to you and your relationships.

7. By sincerely apologizing you show effort in a relationship. You are taking action on the relationship by apologizing. That is an entire different mindset to avoiding mistakes in an attempt to "secretly get by".

8. We become greater than our desires. When asking for forgiveness you rise above your destructive inner desire to not show remorse and you become a far greater person. You no longer need to cover up your behavior as you have brought it into the light. This takes courage! Your newfound courage will roll into other areas of your life as you begin to face upto other difficult issues you had avoided in the past.

9. Apologizing produces guilt in other people for the better. They see you apologize for your mistake and compare it to their contribution to the mistake or another mistake they have made. They may become aware that what they have done is far worse then your mistake which produces guilt and possibly leads them too also apologizing. You can say apologizing has a "chain-reaction" affect.

Who would have thought there is this much power in apologizing!

Dealing With Anger In Your Marriage

2007-05-09T14:28:00.000+08:00

At some point, everyone gets angry at their spouse. It could be over something minor like leaving the cap off of the toothpaste, or something on a larger scale like disrespecting you in front of other people. The anger itself is not a sin...it's what you then do with it and how you respond to it that can potentially be classified as sin.

How are you dealing with your anger in your marriage?

There are different ways that people typically deal with anger. Many people internalize their feelings of anger. In trying to avoid dealing with it, unforgiveness and bitterness take root, gradually poisoning their marriage. Turning it inward doesn't deal with the anger; instead it's allowed to build up over time.

Others externalize it. They turn their anger outward, towards their spouse, kids, or anyone else who gets in their line of fire. They let their feelings lead them to hurt others, either verbally or physically. Many of these people profess that they just "couldn't control themselves." This is a person that's controlled by their emotions, instead of being in control of their emotions. These people will continue to physically or verbally abuse their spouses or kids as long as they can get away with it.

Now, take that same "out of control" person and put them up next to a 300 pound linebacker. Do you think they would control themselves enough to keep from slapping that linebacker around? Oh yeah, because they know they couldn't get away with that...not without some pretty hefty consequences.

We should never let our feelings of anger cause us to get "out of control."

So what are some ways to deal with anger in marriage?

1) Admit to yourself and God that you are angry. There's no reason for denying it. Plus, as you get it out in the open, you'll be better prepared to deal with it.

2) Don't yield to your feelings. If you think you may say or do something that you'll regret, walk away from the situation until you have control over your emotions. Take a deep breath to bring your physical reactions to anger under control. Realize that YOU are totally responsible for your own actions.

3) Whether the wrong committed against you was real or perceived, intentional or accidental, bring the offense to God and forgive your spouse. Forgiveness is not for the other person, it's for you. As you get in the habit of actually forgiving your spouse, your anger will lead you into sin less often.

4) Don't give the devil a foothold by dwelling on the offense. If you've forgiven your husband or wife, quit replaying the situation over in your mind. Otherwise, not only will you cause those angry feelings to come back, but you will give the devil the opportunity to add fuel to the fire by telling you how evil your spouse is. This will only serve to send you back to square one, negating any progress you've made.

If you've let your anger lead you into sin in the past, ask God to forgive you and let it go. You can't control what you've done in the past, but you can control what you do now and in the future. Start preparing now for the next time you get angry, because the time will come again when you'll need to deal with it. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you control yourself and diffuse the anger without sinning. And remember Luke 1:37 "For nothing is impossible with God."

Selfish Demands

2007-05-06T01:59:00.000+08:00

We were all born with instincts to help us survive the trials and travails of life. Some instincts are very helpful and others are downright stupid and abusive. One of our more stupid and abusive instincts, especially in marriage, is making demands.

If we make a request for something we want or need, and the request is turned down, our instincts encourage us to take more forceful steps. And the first thing that comes to mind is usually a demand.

Demands carry a threat of punishment -- an if-you-refuse-me-you'll- regret-it kind of thing. In other words, you may dislike what I want, but if you don't do it, I'll see it it that you suffer even greater pain

People who make demands don't seem to care how others feel. They think only of their own needs. "If you find it unpleasant to do what I want, tough! And if you refuse, I'll make it even tougher," is what they seem to be saying.

Demands depend on power. They don't work unless the demanding one has the power to make good on his threats. But who has power in marriage? Ideally, there is shared power, the husband and wife working together to accomplish mutual objectives. But when one spouse starts making demands-along with threats that are at least implied-it's a power play. The threatened spouse often strikes back, fighting fire with fire, power with power. Suddenly, it's a test of power-who will win the battle?

If the demanding partner doesn't have enough power to follow through with the threat, he or she often receives punishment, at least in the form of ridicule. But if power is fairly equal between a husband and wife, a battle rages until one or the other surrenders. In the end, the one meeting the demand feels deep resentment and is less likely to meet the need in the future. When the demand is not met, both spouses feel resentment.

Without a doubt, you and your spouse need to find an effective way to motivate each other to meet your needs. But demands are nothing short of abuse. In fact, it's usually the first stage of verbal abuse that ultimately leads to fights in marriage.

If you make demands of your spouse and expect obedience, you are being controlling and manipulative. Your spouse will try to escape your abuse, and instead of becoming responsive to your needs, he or she will have as little to do with you as possible. Is that what you want? Do you want to drive your spouse away from you?

Neither of you is a sergeant and neither of you is a private. You do not have the right to tell each other what to do, and if you try, you will find that it doesn't work. If you try to force your spouse to meet your needs, it becomes a temporary solution at best, and resentment is sure to rear it's ugly head. Demands and other forms of manipulation do not build compatibility; they build resentment.

There is a wise alternative to selfish demands, and that's thoughtful requests. This approach to getting what you need from each other begins by simply explaining what you would like, and asking your spouse how he or she would feel fulfilling your request. If he or she indicates that the request will be unpleasant to fulfill, discuss alternative ways your spouse could help you that would not be unpleasant.

How do you know if your spouse is "in love" with you?

2007-05-04T02:46:00.000+08:00

If you were asked, "Is your spouse in-love with you?" what would you say. Or better yet, how would you find out?

Most people use two common techniques to determine whether or not their spouse is in-love with them:

1. Ask

The straight forward approach is typically what most people use.

Do you love me?" one would ask the other.
"Why, of course I do, Honey."
or
"What do you think?" replies the spouse.

And, if there is sincerity in the delivery, the questioning would stop right there.

However, if there was something insincere about the answer, the following technique would be used:

2. Observe

Does the actions of your spouse support the idea that they are in-love with you? Are you treated with care? Are you treated in a "loving" manner? Does your spouse act like he/she is in-love with you? This approach to answering the question of being in-love or not tends to be the litmus test. Most of us judge a person's heart by their actions. Right or wrong, that's what we do. When the actions are in direct conflict with what the person says, suspicion typically follows.

Although the above techniques are used on a frequent basis, they are both wrought with the potential for error.

Ask Yourself

Ask yourself "Should _____ be in love with me?" In other words, are you giving your spouse a reason to be in-love with you?

Emotional Needs and Love Busters

In order to answer your own question, you must first know two things:

1. What are your spouseﾒs most important emotional needs and how does he/she like them to be met?
2. What are your Love Busters (from your spouse's perspective) and have you eliminated them?

Without knowing the answers to the above questions, you are guessing. And what's more, if you don't know the answers, you are probably tainting your guesses with how you like your own needs to be met (emotional needs) and what you believe is irritating (Love Busters).

Bottom line

You must be successful at developing and maintaining your skills to meet your spouse's needs and also, demonstrate an ability to protect him/her from yourself (your Love Busters). Because it boils down to this: If you're not successful at giving your spouse a reason to be in-love with you, then he/she won't be.

Admiration

2007-05-01T03:37:00.000+08:00

If you have the need for admiration, you may have fallen in love with your spouse partly because of his or her compliments to you. Some people just love to be told that they are appreciated. Your spouse may also have been careful not to criticize you because criticism may hurt you deeply if you have this need.

Many of us have a deep desire to be respected, valued and appreciated by our spouse. We need to be affirmed clearly and often. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way. Even God wants us to appreciate Him.

Admiration is one of the easiest needs to meet. Just a word of appreciation, and presto, you've made someone's day. On the other hand, it's also easy to be critical. A trivial word of rebuke can set some people on their heels, ruining their day and withdrawing love units at an alarming rate.

Your spouse may have the power to build up or deplete his or her account in your Love Bank with just a few words of admiration or criticism. If you are affected that easily, be sure to add admiration to your list of important emotional needs.

Family Commitment

2007-04-29T20:56:00.000+08:00

In addition to a greater need for income and domestic responsibilities, the arrival of children may create in you the need for your spouse to become active in the moral and educational development of the children. I call that need family commitment. As is true for the need for financial and domestic support, if you do not have any children just yet, you may not sense this need. But upon their arrival, a change may take place that you didn't anticipate.

Evidence of this need is a craving for your spouse's involvement in the training of your children. When he or she is helping to care for them, you feel very fulfilled, and when they are neglected you feel very frustrated.

This is not just child care -- feeding, clothing or watching over children to keep them safe. Child care falls under the category of domestic support. Family commitment, on the other hand, is taking a responsibility for how the children will turn out, teaching them the values of cooperation and care for each other. It is spending quality time with your children to help insure happiness and success for them as adults.

But the need for family commitment is not met by just any form of training. It is only met when the training is enthusiastically approved by you. It can all be ruined if your spouse uses training methods and objectives that violate your standards. Your participation and agreement regarding training methods and objectives are essential before this need can be met.

We all want our children to be successful, but if you have the need for family commitment, your spouse's participation in family activities that guarantee that outcome will deposit so many love units that it will trigger your feeling of love for him or her. And your spouse's neglect of your children will threaten that love.

Domestic Support

2007-04-28T18:05:00.000+08:00

The need for domestic support is a time bomb. At first it seems irrelevant, a throwback to more primitive times. But for many couples, the need explodes after a few years of marriage, surprising both spouses.

Domestic support involves the creation of a peaceful and well-managed home environment. It includes cooking meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, house cleaning and child care. If you have the need for domestic support, when your spouse does some of these things, you feel very fulfilled, and when it is not done you feel very annoyed.

n earlier generations, it was assumed that all husbands had this need and all wives would naturally meet it. Times have changed, and needs have changed along with them. Now, many of the men I counsel would rather have their wives meet their needs for affection or conversation, needs which have traditionally been more characteristic of women. And many women, especially career women, gain a great deal of pleasure having their husbands create a peaceful and well-managed home environment for them. But on average, men still express this need more often than women.

Marriage usually begins with a willingness of both spouses to share domestic responsibilities. Newlyweds commonly wash dishes together, make the bed together, and divide many household tasks. The groom welcomes the help he gets from his wife, helping him do what he's been doing alone as a bachelor. At this point in marriage, neither of them would identify domestic support as an important emotional need. But the time bomb is ticking.

When does the need for domestic support explode? When the children arrive! Children create huge needs -- both a greater need for income and greater domestic responsibilities. The previous division of labor is now obsolete. Both spouses must take on new responsibilities -- and which ones will they take?

At this point in your marriage, especially if you do not have children, you may find no need for domestic support at all. But if you find yourself very appreciative of your spouse's cooking, cleaning, washing and childcare, and are very frustrated when they are not forthcoming, make sure that domestic support is on your list of important emotional needs.

Financial Support

2007-04-27T11:40:00.000+08:00

People often marry for the financial security that they expect their spouse to provide them. In other words, part of the reason they marry is for money.

But there are others who marry before financial security becomes much of a consideration. Yet, as years go by, if a spouse is unemployed, underemployed, the other spouse can become very frustrated and unhappy. The need for financial support seems to develop after they have been married for a while, especially after children arrive.

It may be difficult for you to know how much you need financial support, especially if you were recently married or if your spouse has always been gainfully employed. But what if, before marriage, your spouse had told you not to expect any income from him or her. Would it have affected your decision to marry? Or, what if your spouse could not find work, and you had to financially support him or her throughout life? Would that withdraw love units?

You may have a need for financial support if you expect your spouse to earn a
living. But you definitely have that need if you do not expect to be earning a living yourself, at least during part of your marriage.

What constitutes financial support? Earning enough to buy everything you could possibly desire, or earning just enough to get by? Different couples would answer this differently, and the same couples might answer differently in different stages of life. That's why this need can be difficult to meet -- it can change over time.

Like many of these emotional needs, financial support is sometimes hard to talk about. As a result, many couples have hidden expectations, assumptions and resentments. How much money does your spouse have to earn before you feel frustrated about his or her paycheck? Your analysis will help you determine if you have a need for financial support, and if so, whether or not this need is being met.

Another point to remember is that when an important emotional need is met, love units are deposited in very large numbers. In other words, if someone were to meet this need for you, might you fall in love with that person? Does a person's income or wealth make him or her more attractive to you? And are those without money unattractive? If so, you probably have a need for financial support.

Physical Attractiveness

2007-04-25T18:54:00.000+08:00

For many, physical attractiveness can be one of the greatest sources of love units. If you have this need, an attractive person will not only get your attention, but may distract you from whatever it was you were doing. In fact, that's what may have first drawn you to your spouse -- his or her physical attractiveness.

There are some who consider this need to be temporary and important only in the beginning of a relationship. Some feel that after a couple get to know each other better, physical attractiveness should take a back seat to deeper and more intimate needs. And I've even heard some suggest that those with a need for physical attractiveness are immature or spiritually weak -- even subhuman!

But I don't judge important emotional needs, and I don't think you should either. The question you should ask is, what need when met deposits the most love units? If it's physical attractiveness, it should not be ignored. For many, the need for physical attractiveness not only helps create a relationship, but it continues on throughout marriage, and love units are deposited whenever the spouse is seen -- if he or she is physically attractive

Among the various aspects of physical attractiveness, weight generally gets the most attention. Almost all of the complaints I hear regarding a spouse's loss of physical attractiveness are about being overweight. And when diet and exercise bring the spouse back to a healthy size, physical attractiveness almost always returns. However, choice of clothing, hair style, makeup, and personal hygiene also come together to make a person attractive. Since attractiveness is usually in the eyes of the beholder, you are the ultimate judge of what is attractive to you.

If the attractiveness of your spouse makes you feel great, and loss of that attractiveness would make you feel very frustrated, you should probably include this category on your list of important emotional needs.

Honesty and Openness

2007-04-24T00:44:00.000+08:00

Most of us want an honest relationship with our spouse. But some people have a need for honesty and openness -- it gives them a sense of security and helps them become emotionally bonded to the one who meets that need.

Those with a need for honesty and openness want accurate information about their spouses' thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities and plans for the future. If their spouse
Learn how to meet the need of Honesty and Openness
does not provide honest and open communication, trust is undermined and the feelings of security can eventually be destroyed. They cannot trust the signals that are being sent and feel they have no foundation on which to build a solid relationship. Instead of adjusting, they feel off balance; instead of growing together, they feel as if they are growing apart.

Honesty and openness helps build compatibility in marriage. When you and your spouse openly reveal the facts of your past, your present activities, and your plans for the future, you are able to make intelligent decisions that take each other's feelings into account. And that's how you create compatibility -- by making decisions that work well for both of you simultaneously.

But aside from the practical considerations of honesty and openness, those with this need feel happy and fulfilled when their spouses reveal their most private thoughts to them, and feel very frustrated when they are hidden. That reaction is evidence of an emotional need, and if that is the way you feel, include honesty and openness as one of your most important emotional needs.

Conversation

2007-04-22T01:53:00.000+08:00

Unlike the need for sex, conversation is not an emotional need that can or should be met exclusively in marriage. Our need for conversation can ethically be met by almost anyone. But if it is one of your most important emotional needs, whoever meets it best will deposit so many love units, you may fall in love with that person. So if it's your need, it's crucial to your marital happiness that your spouse is the one who meets it the best and most often.

The need for conversation is not met by simply talking to someone. It is met when the conversation is enjoyable for both persons involved. Good conversation is characterized by the following:
(1) using it to inform and investigate each other,
(2) focusing attention on topics of mutual interest,
(3) balancing the conversation so both have an equal opportunity to talk, and
(4) giving each other undivided attention while talking to each other.

Conversation fails to meet this need when
(1) demands are made,
(2) disrespect is shown,
(3) one or both become angry, or
(4) when it is used to dwell on mistakes of the past or present.

Unless conversation is mutually enjoyable, a couple is better off not talking to each other at all. An unpleasant conversation not only fails to meet the emotional need, but it also makes it less likely that there will be an opportunity to meet the need in the future. That's because we tend to prevent our spouse from meeting our needs if earlier attempts were painful to us.

Men and women don't have too much difficulty talking to each other during courtship. That's a time of information-gathering for both partners. Both are highly motivated to discover each other's likes and dislikes, personal background, current interests and plans for the future. But after marriage, many women find that the man who would spend hours talking to her on the telephone, now seems to have lost all interest in talking to her, and spends his spare time watching television or reading.

If your need for conversation was fulfilled during courtship, you also expect it to be met after marriage. And if you fell in love because your need for conversation was met by your spouse during courtship, you risk falling out of love if that need is not met during marriage.

Do you have a craving just to talk to someone? Do you pick up the telephone just because you feel like talking? If you see conversation as a practical necessity, primarily as a means to an end, you probably don't have much of a need for it. But if you use conversation "just to talk," and enjoy conversation in its own right, and are frustrated when you haven't been able to talk to someone for a while, consider it to be one of your most important emotional needs.

Is Your Marriage Normal?

2007-04-20T23:14:00.000+08:00

If you're thinking
something is missing,
check out the six signs of
a top-of-the-line relationship

The important question is not what is normal? but rather what is healthy? One of the reasons you married your mate is that you believed this person was the best match for your needs, values, goals and dreams. If you only needed someone to be normal with, you could choose a partner at random, get out the "normal marriage checklist" and go about being married.

We choose a mate and then, also out of choice, we are free to apply the principles God has given us to create a healthy marriage. It has nothing to do with being normal. Rather, it's based on what is best for the couple within the parameters of a committed, Christ-centered relationship.

What, then, does this type of relationship look like? In short, a healthy marriage can be measured by six interrelated criteria:

* a sense of oneness
* an atmosphere of acceptance, openness and resolution
* passionate sexual intimacy
* an unswerving commitment to God and to each other
* a spirit of forgiveness
* a sense of a marital mission

1. A Sense of Oneness
With a spirit of oneness, couples realize and experience the uniqueness of what "God has joined together" in marriage. They believe God has called them into a relationship in which they can become much more together than they ever could individually. They have a couple mindset, meaning that if I am one with my mate, I take him or her into consideration in every decision I make. I value what my mate thinks and who he or she is. And I realize that us is more important than me.

Couples who have a sense of oneness have learned the practice and power of what I call T.O.Y.S.: Think Outside YourSelf. You are aware at all times of what it means to look out for your mate's interests and desires. Couples who are one realize they are stewards of the love and life that God has given them, they relish the mystery of oneness and they are determined to use their marriage to honor him.

2. An Atmosphere of Acceptance
Couples with healthy marriages value acceptance and openness and share a commitment to resolving conflict. One of the greatest gifts you can give your mate is to accept him or her for who he or she is: God's gift to you. (I must, however, add the caveat that this does not mean you simply endure abusive or addictive behavior.) But barring such destructive behavior, most husbands and wives keep trying to change their mates into whom they think they should become. That sort of remodeling project is the opposite of acceptance, and it doesn't make for a healthy relationship.

In a strong marriage, both husband and wife feel known and accepted. Closely connected with that is openness—the ability to express your thoughts, ideas, hopes, dreams and failures freely. Along with that is the ability to hear and appreciate what your mate is telling you.

3. Passionate Sexual Intimacy
You can have an average marriage without a good sex life, but I firmly believe that you cannot have a great marriage without a great sex life. But that can't be defined by frequency, variety and response since "normal" is not necessarily healthy.

A healthy sexual relationship is one in which egos and personal agendas are left outside the bedroom door. Both the wife and the husband are free to express their wants, desires, likes, dislikes, turn-ons and turn-offs in a way that celebrates God's gift of sex. They see their sexuality as a way to express their love, serve each other and celebrate the oneness created by God. And they do all of this in an emotional environment that is free of criticism and manipulation.

4. Commitment to God and Each Other
Commitment is a vital component of any healthy marriage. The vows you spoke before God were not just nice platitudes. "Till death do us part" is just what it says. (Again, I'm not talking about extreme cases of violence and abuse.) Couples who dissolve their marriages are usually the ones who, in the back of their minds, always gave themselves an out in case things didn't work as they planned (or selfishly hoped). In contrast, a couple who can look deeply into each other's eyes and pledge again "for better or worse" on each anniversary will have a marriage that is strong, above normal, and, yes, healthy.

5. A Spirit of Forgiveness
From reading the teachings of Christ, it's obvious that forgiveness goes hand-in-hand with commitment. However, far too few couples offer the gift of forgiveness to their mates.

How do you react when your spouse expresses concern about something you did or neglected to do? Do you respond with humility and gratitude for being given the opportunity to change and improve your marriage (no, that is not a joke)? Or are you more likely to launch an accusation of your own: "Oh yeah, well let me tell you what you did!" If the latter, that's a strong indication that forgiveness is not a regular part of your marriage.

6. A Clear Marital Mission
Couples with a healthy marriage know that their relationship has a divinely ordained purpose. Books on excelling in the business world stress the importance of understanding why we exist: What is our niche? What do we want to accomplish and why? Such a focus works wonders in the corporate world, and yet studies have shown that fewer than 3 percent of married couples have any goals that go beyond financial planning.

Part of understanding oneness in marriage involves recognizing marriage's bigger purpose. What we can invest in that will not only bring great returns to our own relationship but will also contribute to the Kingdom of God.

A great marriage is one that begins with a strong sense of oneness and grows to include a shared mission that enriches the lives of others. Along the way, a husband and wife practice mutual acceptance and open communication (even when disagreeing), passionate sexual intimacy, an unswerving commitment to God and to each other and generous amounts of forgiveness.

Far from being average, a healthy marriage will exceed your highest expectations and your wildest dreams. With that kind of potential, who cares about being normal?

Ten Ways to Improve Your Marriage

2007-04-19T20:02:00.000+08:00

One of the keys to maintaining a healthy relationship over many years, not losing the thrill of the relationship, and not getting burned out, is to find ways to continue to create the relationship every day.

A marriage is basically a created relationship between two people. If one doesn�t continue to create that relationship as time goes by, then the relationship will cease to exist. The same is true of a family. If you stop creating a family as a unit, the family will cease to exist.

So how do you create a marriage continually so that you have a healthy relationship for years and years? Well, here are ten ideas that will definitely help:

1. Schedule time to spend with your spouse every day. In today�s hectic lifestyle, this can sometimes be difficult. But it�s important. Have dinner together at home, or spend some time talking each day.

2. Schedule time to go out on a �date� every so often, i.e. dinner and a movie, or a play, or a concert, or some other recreational activity that you do together. If you have kids, at least some of the time this should be done without the kids.

3. Tell your spouse that you love them. This is harder for guys, but this is very helpful to a marriage. Other shows of affection are also important on a regular basis.

4. Come up with ideas of nice things to do for your spouse. This doesn�t have to be flowers and chocolates and gifts. It can be just something nice you do for him or her.

5. Thank your spouse for things that they do for you. This can be as simple as thanking your wife for making a nice dinner, which took time and effort, especially if it is something you really like. Or thank your husband for washing the car. Or for walking the dog. It makes them feel that their efforts in keeping the relationship or family going are appreciated and important.

6. When either your spouse or one of your children accomplishes something important to them, find a way to celebrate that, like going out on a special celebratory dinner for instance.

7. Remember special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries, and find some way to celebrate these. This doesn�t have to be expensive.

8. Always make holidays a family time or time to spend with your spouse.

9. Keep communication lines open with your spouse. Discuss problems and upsets instead of letting them simmer. Some people have a policy of �never going to bed angry�, i.e. without discussing the upset and working things out.

10. Turn the TV off and spend some of that time talking to your spouse and/or your kids. They�re more important.

These are just some suggestions and are not a full list of course. The key is to find ways to create the relationship on an ongoing basis. If you can both do that, you have an improved chance at many years of happiness together.

Sexual Fulfillment

2007-04-14T21:44:00.000+08:00

When you married, you and your spouse promised to be faithful to each other for life. You agreed to be each other's only sexual partner. You made this commitment because you trusted each other to meet your sexual needs, to be sexually available and responsive to each other. The emotional need for sex, then, is a very exclusive emotional need. If you have this need, you will be very dependent on your spouse to meet it. You have no other ethical choices.

But in most marriages, one spouse, usually the husband, has a much greater need for sex than the other. This tends to create a significant conflict if his need is not being met as often as he would like or the way he would like it to be met. That's why it is very important for you and your spouse to understand which one of you has the greatest need for sex, and how you can meet that need frequently and effectively for each other. Without that understanding and skill, you are likely to join the majority of marriages where the need for sex is not being adequately met.

Most people know whether or not they have a need for sex, but in case there is any uncertainty, I will point out some of the most obvious symptoms.

A sexual need usually pre-dates your relationship with each other, and is somewhat independent of your relationship. While you may have discovered a deep desire to make love to your spouse since you've been in love, it isn't quite the same thing as a sexual need. Wanting to make love when you are in love is sometimes merely a reflection of wanting to be emotionally and physically close.

However, one dead give-away for having a sexual need is sexual fantasies. If you have imagined what it would be like having your sexual need met in the most fulfilling ways, you probably have a sexual need. The more the fantasy is employed, the greater your need. And the way your sexual need is met in your fantasy is usually a good indicator of your sexual predispositions and orientation.

The need for sex and the need for affection are often confused with one another. To help you sort them out, think of it this way: affection is an act of love (hugging, kissing, hand-holding, etc.) that is non-sexual and can be shared with friends, relatives, children and even pets with absolutely no sexual intent. However, if your affection tends to have a sexual motive, it is a symptom of your need for sex, not your need for affection.

If you tend to feel happy and contented when you make love, and you feel frustrated when you don't make love often enough or the way you want to make love, you have a need for sexual fulfillment.

How to Meet the Need for Affection

2007-04-13T01:27:00.000+08:00

Affection is something that's learned. Some men and women who were raised in families that did not show affection are taught how to show affection by their girlfriends or wives. But other men have never been taught.

You apparently received the affection you needed from your lover. It was your friend's affection that met your need. Your husband can learn to say and do many of the same things, and mean it.

Here are the list of things to do every day:

1. Hug and kiss your wife and tell her you love her every morning while you're still in bed. Rub her back for a few minutes before you get up.
2. Tell her that you love her while you are having breakfast together.
3. Kiss her and tell her you love her before you leave for work.
4. Call her during the day to ask how she is doing and that you love her.
5. After work, call her before you leave to tell her when you will be home, and tell her you love her.
6. Buy her flowers on the way home at least once a week, with a card that tells her you love her.
7. When you arrive home from work, give her a big hug and kiss and spend a few minutes talking to her about how her day went. Don't do anything else before you have given her your undivided attention.
8. Tell her that you love her as you are having dinner together.
9. Help her clear off the table and wash and dry the dishes with her, giving her a hug and kiss at least once, and tell her that you love her.
10. Hug and kiss her and tell her you love her in bed before you both go to sleep.

Wives will often complain that it's not real affection because it doesn't come from the heart. If their husbands have to be told what to do, they're not really being affectionate. But this exercise in affection is not fake. It is real. Their husbands really do love them and whenever they express that love, it is real. The problem is that they have not learned to express how they really feel.

When your husband says that you do not accept the things he does for you, you should explain that you don't need the things he does nearly as much as you need things he isn't doing. You cannot appreciate things you don't need, it's only what you need that you appreciate.

He really does want to meet your needs, but hasn't learned how to do it. It probably makes him frustrated to think how much he cares about you, but has not been able to show it.

The bottom line is that you have an emotional need for affection and your husband can learn to meet it. As soon as he becomes an expert at meeting this need, your temptation to find someone else to meet that need will disappear and your marriage will be just what you wanted.

What to Do When Your Conversation Becomes Boring and Unpleasant ( Part 2 )

2007-04-11T17:08:00.000+08:00

The Enemies of Good Conversation

The conversation you and your wife once shared was enjoyable for both of you. You looked forward to talking to each other. But lately, it's not at all pleasant. In fact, it's something you often do out of duty rather than choice. That's because you have developed habits that make your conversations unpleasant. I call those habits Enemies of Good Conversation.

The First Enemy of Good Conversation is using conversation to force agreement to your way of thinking. It's okay to negotiate with your spouse, but it's not okay to be disrespectful. Negotiation should start with a problem and end with a mutually acceptable way to solve it. When disrespect enters the picture, you not only fail to solve the problem, you leave with hurt feelings.

If you are thinking, "I'm right and you're wrong," watch out! You are just an utterance away from disaster. The Love Buster, disrespectful judgments, will not straighten your spouse out, as you hope. Instead, it will drive your spouse away from you. At first, you will develop emotional distance with your tactics, as your superficial conversation demonstrates. But eventually it will lead to physical distance -- separation or divorce.

Instead of trying to force agreement to your way of thinking, discuss your differing perspectives with respect. Your spouse's point of view is worth considering. After you fully understand it, you may be persuaded to her way of thinking.

Quite frankly, couples are easily influenced by each other when they are respectful. Their joint wisdom is more profound than the wisdom of either of them separately, and they know that. But that wisdom is uncovered only through respectful persuasion, never through disrespectful judgments.

The Second Enemy of Good Conversation is dwelling on mistakes, past or present.

One of our important emotional needs is admiration. So whenever you remind your wife of achievements of her past or present, you deposit love units because she needs to be admired.

But when you remind her of her failures, you do the opposite. You undermine her confidence and self-esteem, and withdraw love units.

Criticism is painful in marriage because we need admiration so much. We want our spouses to be the most encouraging person we know, one who constantly reminds us of our strengths. We certainly don't want to be discouraged by being reminded of our weaknesses, particularly if it comes from our spouse.

In an intimate relationship we give the keys to our inner self to someone else so that person can be in a position to meet our emotional needs. Intimacy magnifies the pleasure we receive when our needs are met. But it also makes us vulnerable. The pain of criticism is magnified in an intimate relationship. Unprotected, we expose the china closet of our feelings. If the person is critical of us, they are like the proverbial "bull in a china closet." One romp through our inner self and we are not so quick to invite the bull back again.

Criticism now and then is bad enough, but spouses often get into the habit of dwelling on mistakes. These mistakes are mentioned repeatedly in an effort to make sure that the mistake is understood and corrected. But that's not how mistakes are understood or corrected. All this does is magnify the pain until conversation is too unpleasant to continue. Then hope of respectful negotiation is lost.

In your letter, you say that you and your spouse say the same things again and again. You may be referring to this enemy, dwelling on past mistakes. You may find yourselves repeating these criticisms because this enemy dominates your conversation. If that's the case, see it for the enemy it is. As long as you tolerate dwelling on mistakes, you cannot expect to meet each other's needs for conversation. You may withdraw so many love units that it ruins your love for each other.

The Third Enemy of Good Conversation is using conversation to punish each other. When you use words to punish your spouse, you are being abusive. Verbal abuse can be as harmful as physical abuse. When you hurl insults at your wife, you are trying to withdraw love units. You want her to feel bad. When conversation is used to punish her, you have entered a period of emotional divorce, where all hope of reconciliation is gone. All you care about is balancing the books -- repaying her for the pain you felt over something she did to you.

After all I've said about being sensitive, it seems as if this enemy of good conversation shouldn't be a problem. But, for many couples, it is. In spite of all of their efforts to be respectful, and avoid criticism, they blow it all by saying some of the most hurtful things to each other when they lose their tempers. It sure does ruin intimate conversation, and often leaves couples talking about not much more than the weather.

I would imagine that you and your wife have engaged in at least one of these three enemies of good conversation, and perhaps, all of them. That indulgence has not only left you with a history of unpleasant conversation, but it also may have prevented you from using some of the friends of good conversation. For example, if you are disrespectful, critical or verbally abusive, it's almost impossible to "investigate, inform and understand" your spouse. She will keep her thoughts to herself to prevent your from hurting her with your enemies of conversation.

Trust is essential for intimate conversation. If your wife thinks that you might use her personal revelations against her when an enemy of conversation has taken control of you, her lack of trust will prevent her from revealing her innermost thoughts.

On the other hand, if she knows you will guard her private thoughts and protect them from your criticism, she will be more likely to reveal them.

Enemies of good conversation often prevent implementation of the friends of good conversation. I suggest you focus on ridding your conversation of the enemies first. There's no point in introducing a friend of conversation when you haven't yet learned to be respectful. But then, after the enemies are rooted out, you will find that the friends make your conversation downright fascinating. Instead of being boring and unpleasant, your conversation will encourage you to spend hours together, creating the kind of intimacy that you need to have a fulfilling marriage.

Take pride in this effort. Become a professional at being the kind of conversationalist who meets your spouse's need in a far better way than anyone else could. It will encourage your spouse to develop the same skill in meeting your need. Then neither of you will ever feel like every conversation is like every other one you've had -- boring and unpleasant. Instead, each conversation will give you a little better understanding of each other, and bring you closer together.

What to Do When Your Conversation Becomes Boring and Unpleasant (Part 1 )

2007-04-09T15:42:00.000+08:00

Introduction: Conversation is not just a means to an end, it is also the end itself. What I mean by that is that conversation in marriage does more than help us communicate and solve problems, it also meets one of our most important emotional needs -- the need to talk to someone. When you learn to meet that need for your spouse, it can deposit more love units than anything else you do.

The way you talk to each other is very important. Even if your spouse has a need for conversation, you can talk your way into Love Bank withdrawals very easily. And when conversation suffers, the solution to all other problems are bound to suffer.

The Friends of Good Conversation

Remember how it used to be? You and your wife used to be fascinated with each other. You would support and encourage each other. Empathy and understanding were almost effortless. You had many common interests to talk about. Somehow, you need to resurrect the kindness, consideration, empathy and interest you once shared in your conversations with each other.

Once you can talk to each other like that again, you will be meeting one of each other's most important emotional needs: The need for conversation. And if you can learn to do it well, you will deposit so many love units that you will become irresistible to each other again.

There are ways to make your conversation great. Let us call these the Friends of Good Conversation. If you incorporate these friends into the conversation you have with your spouse, you will get out of your rut. The first Friend of Good Conversation is using conversation to investigate, inform and understand your spouse. You and your spouse have not begun to exhaust all there is to know about each other. But, for some reason, you have stopped investigating. Your conversation has become predictable and uninteresting as a result.

I suggest that you investigate the facts of each other's personal histories, present experiences and plans for the future. Also investigate each other's attitudes and emotional reactions to those facts. You are bound to each other, through marriage, in a partnership that requires you to navigate through life with skill and coordination. Without conversation you will have neither, and your marriage may crash.

Why investigate? Why not just inform? Well, most of us don't just offer personal information about our deepest feelings. Someone must show an interest first. If you don't investigate with a genuine curiosity, your spouse is unlikely to share those feelings with you. Your curiosity about your spouse's thoughts and feelings is essential to her revealing them to you.

But curiosity is not all that's required. Trust is also essential. Your spouse must trust you with her personal feelings before she will expose them to you. I'll talk about building trust a little later when I get to the Enemies of Good Conversation.

Once personal information is requested, you should both inform each other of the facts of your personal histories, present experiences, plans for the future, and your attitudes and emotional reactions to all of those facts. To withhold accurate information about your inner self prevents intimacy and leaves the need for meaningful conversation unmet.

After you have investigated and informed each other of personal activities and feelings, you are in a position to understand each other. What motivates you and your spouse to do what you both do? What are your rewards, and what do you find punishing? What are your beliefs, and how are they put into practice? What are your most common positive and negative emotional reactions? What are your strengths and weaknesses? The list goes on and on. There is so much to know about each other, you will never get to know it all.

By reaching an understanding of each other, your conversation will break through the superficiality barrier. You become emotionally connected to each other, and able to bring out each other's best feelings, and avoid the worst. "Hidden agendas" are not possible because neither of you hide anything from each other.

The Second Friend of Good Conversation is developing interest in each other's favorite topics of conversation. Topics drive most conversations. We usually talk about something and this something keeps your conversation going. But we all like to talk about some topics more than others.

When you were dating, you probably tried to discover your wife's favorite topics of conversation, and she tried to discover yours. Then, you probably developed an interest in those topics so that your conversation would be more enjoyable.

Interests will change. Topics that may have interested your spouse when you were younger may have lost their attraction. Topics that were once completely boring, you may now find fascinating. Besides, you are encountering new topics almost every day.

You may have had compatible interests when you were first married, but have you kept up with each other's changing interests? Once you may have been able to talk for hours about mutual interests, now you may find yourselves struggling to find anything you have in common.

If that's the case, you must return to the mind-set you had when you were dating. In those days, you made an effort to talk about topics that your spouse found interesting, because you knew it would deposit love units. To make the conversation more interesting, you may have spent some time educating yourself on those topics. What may have started as an effort to be loved, may have turned into a genuine curiosity about subjects that interested your spouse.

I suggest that you make a mental note of subjects that interest your wife today, and educate yourself about those subjects. The same thing goes for your spouse, too. She should try to develop an understanding of some of your favorite topics of conversation.

What if both of you try to educate yourselves in each other's interests, and still find yourselves bored with certain subjects? There's no point in faking an interest in something that is truly boring to one of you, and there are literally hundreds of subjects that both of you will find interesting. So I suggest that after an initial effort, you abandon subjects that you do not find mutually interesting. The Policy of Joint Agreement can help you create an inventory of subjects that you both enjoy discussing (never talk about a subject without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse)

The Third Friend of Good Conversation is balancing the conversation. Conversation is a two-way street. But if you try to turn it into a one-way road, it becomes a speech. Conversation is meant to be interactive.

There are important rules of conversational etiquette that must be followed when you talk to each other. Don't interrupt or try talking over each other. Make sure that you both have a chance to finish a thought before the other person responds. If you notice that one of you is talking more than the other, the more talkative spouse should pause to give the less talkative spouse a chance to talk more.

Balancing the conversation simply refers to the importance of equal participation from each of you. Any effort you make to insure balance will make the conversation much more enjoyable, and more interesting.

The Fourth Friend of Good Conversation is giving each other undivided attention. Some people feel that they can do several things at once, so while talking to their spouse, they try to do something else, too. But you can't have an intimate conversation when you divide your attention. It leaves your wife feeling that she is not important enough for your full attention, or that other tasks are more important than she is.

If you find it difficult to talk to your spouse with your undivided attention, it could be that you have allowed competing activities (like television) to ruin your opportunity to deposit love units. There's nothing quite as frustrating as trying to talk to a spouse whose mind is somewhere else.

Couples must schedule time to give each other their undivided attention. If it's not on your schedule, you're not likely to do it. You will talk to each other on the fly, instead. And that doesn't deposit love units.

During courtship, I estimate that it takes about 15 hours a week of undivided attention for a couple to deposit enough love units to fall in love. Think back on your courtship. Without that amount of time for intimate conversation, I don't think you would have married.

But I bet you are not spending that kind of time now. In fact, it may only be about 15 minutes a week. How sad. I suggest that you correct the situation right now. Begin by working out a schedule with your wife so that you will have 15 hours of undivided attention from each other every week. The fifteen hours should include conversation, but it can meet other important emotional needs, too -- affection, sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship.

Happy Couples: What It Takes to Be One

2007-04-08T20:12:00.000+08:00

The sight of a couple sharing a joke and walking hand in hand, their faces lined with wrinkles, and their hair gray, begs the question: How did they remain a happy couple for so many years?

Three important ingredients of happy couples:

Happy Couples: Developing Healthy Habits

* Avoid blowouts.

"The first is to learn to talk without fighting about inevitable conflicts,"Making a concerted effort to see the other person’s perspective, and avoiding the blame game of "she said" or "he did," goes a long way.

When things appear to be hedging toward a blowout,Take a "time out." It’s a tactic calls “exiting out of destructive fighting.”

* Recall the positive.

As parents often ask a child stewing in the time-out corner what she could have done differently, Couples in conflict take time to consider what brought them together in the first place. Then, make room for those factors in your life again. “You’ve got to protect and preserve those positive connections -- the friendship, the fun,” These are aspects of marriage that happy couples keep intact.

* Look to the future.

While turning the clock back can help couples rekindle lost connections, Simultaneously look forward. “You’ve got to have a long-term vision of the future, shared dreams, and plans that represent a commitment to one another and your family.

Happy Couples: Addressing a Sexless Marriage

That future, according to most marriage experts, should include a healthy sex life. While sex isn’t everything to happy couples, sexual problems can lead to marital discord. That men and women tend to have different ideas about sex doesn’t help matters.

“Generally speaking, women tend to see sexuality as part of a larger construct. Men are exactly the opposite,” “Women have to be in the mood. Men have to be in the room.”

Many times, misunderstandings over these differences lead to a break down in a healthy sexual relationship within a marriage, even among happy couples. The result, is a sexless marriage.

* Adopt a business approach to improve sex.

Seeing things from a business-like perspective helps couples reframe their sexual relationship.‘If this were a business, would you let it flounder like this?

Presenting sex in this light makes problems, and solutions, more concrete for couples. “By likening it [marriage] to a business mode -- with shared goals and missions; responsibilities, assets, and liabilities; and frequent business meetings -- things shift,”

* Make honest assertions.

To salvage their sex lives, some couples need to dig deeper. “Often, sex wasn’t good in the first place. A big complaint for women is that foreplay is bad or nonexistent,”But this isn’t easy for anyone to admit.Some couples simply aren’t prepared to tell, or hear, the truth. “A lot of couples fall out of it.

Happy Couples: Learning Financial Savvy

The topic of family finances is another hot-button topic, even for happy couples.

* Delegate the task of budget balancer.

Experts observe that most happy couples recognize that handling household finances should remain a singular task.

* Start an emergency fund.

Couples should plan for financial emergencies. This helps diffuse any potential blowups, such as who will sacrifice personal spending money when urgent house repairs must be funded.

When Your Sex Drives Don't Match

2007-04-07T16:04:00.000+08:00

Sex is an extremely important part of marriage. When it's good, it offers couples opportunities to give and receive physical pleasure, to connect emotionally and spiritually. It builds closeness, intimacy, and a sense of partnership.

If you're the spouse whose libido is lacking, remember that your most powerful sexual organ is your brain; in order to feel more sexual, you first have to decide that a loving, satisfying sex life and marriage are important. Then commit to finding your untapped sexuality within.

If you're the spouse with greater sexual energy, you'll need to approach your partner with greater understanding and compassion, which will improve communication, compromise, and acceptance.

Here are tips for both types of spouses in your search for solutions:

Tips for the low-desire spouse

Everyone, even highly sexed people, experiences occasional lows in their sex drive. But what if your libido is nowhere to be found?

Two conditions should prompt you to take your sexual relationship off the back burner: when you think your sexual desire is a problem, or when your spouse is unhappy sexually.

Your low desire affects you and your spouse. If you think there's a problem, there's a problem. If your spouse is unhappy, there's a problem.

It's easy to believe that decisions about sexuality are so personal they should be based strictly on your own feelings and needs. If you're not in the mood, you're not in the mood. Right?

Not exactly. There are many reasons to stretch yourself if you're the person with lower desire. The main one is that unsatisfying sexual relationships often cause alienation, infidelity, and divorce. In most relationships, the spouse with the lower desire sets the pace for the sexual relationship, controlling when and how it happens.

Am I saying you should have sex any time your spouse desires or that you should go through the motions just to keep peace? No!

Many spouses with lower sex drives are essentially saying, "I know you're sexually unhappy. I won't do anything about that, but I still expect you to remain faithful." Can you see what's wrong with this picture?

When you decide to make sexuality more important, you and your spouse will become more emotionally connected. You will not only feel closer to your spouse, but you might also discover your sexual appetite hasn't really vanished; it was merely camouflaged!

Knowing why you're not so interested in sex won't boost your desire. Doing something about it will.
Here are some starters:

The Nike Solution. Consider adopting the old Nike slogan, "Just do it." Are you wondering, How will having sex when I'm not in the mood boost my desire?

Human sexuality experts once assumed all people experience sexual desire in a similar way: something triggers a sexy thought, which triggers an urge to act. Sexual stimulation then makes you feel aroused.

But recent studies show that for some people, sexual desire doesn't precede arousal; it actually follows it. Some people rarely (or never) find themselves fantasizing about sex, but when they become sexual with their spouses anyway, they become aroused. Once aroused, there's a desire to continue.

Just because one partner isn't hungering for sex doesn't mean he or she has a problem with arousal. Lots of people with low sexual desire actually enjoy sex once they get started.

Embers versus fireworks. Hormones don't have to be raging; you don't need an overwhelming feeling of passion. Many times, people with lower desire have sexual urges; they're just more subtle than their spouse's.

You might notice your husband looks great in his tight jeans and have a fleeting thought about sex. The thought may not linger, but it's there. Rather than allow these moments to go unnoticed, heed them and act on them.

Focus on the exceptions. Some people with low desire say they're more interested in making love under certain conditions—at certain times of the day, on weekends, after a bath or a good talk, on vacation, or when the kids are asleep. Identify what's different about the times you feel more inclined, and take advantage of those moments. If it's an option, create the opportunity. In other words, if hot baths turn you on, turn on the hot water.

Just say when. There will be times when you really don't feel like having sex. But instead of just saying no or "I'm too tired," which feels like a rejection to your spouse, offer an alternative. You could say, "I'm really exhausted right now, but if you're willing to wait until I catch a quick nap, I'd love to fool around then."

Give a gift. Less highly sexed spouses often assume that if they're not feeling sexual, there's nothing they can or should do to please their spouses. But you can show your love even if you're not in the mood by doing something that would please him or her sexually. Although I wouldn't recommend an exclusive diet of this, there's nothing wrong with just "taking care of" your spouse.

If you decide to give the gift of being sexual even when you don't feel like it, don't be resentful, or it really isn't a gift. This doesn't mean you have to fake breathless orgasms; it just means you should show some enthusiasm. It's good to occasionally push yourself a little to be a loving sexual partner.

Tips for the high-desire spouse

If you want sex more often than your spouse, you probably feel frustrated and powerless. But more than anything else, you've been feeling rejected, hurt, and alone.

First, you need to understand the real causes of low sexual desire, because your favorite theories are probably destructive and inaccurate. You might think your spouse's lack of affection represents a lack of love. But that's not necessarily true. In fact, your spouse may love you completely and yet still not desire sex. Or you might believe your spouse is avoiding intimacy out of mean-spiritedness or vindictiveness. And that's often a false assumption. Your spouse isn't trying to hurt you on purpose. When you truly take this to heart, it will take the sting out of your reactions to your mate.

Even if your spouse's low desire is due to low testosterone or a rotten childhood—conditions that have absolutely nothing to do with you—your approach to this sensitive subject can make a big difference.

Start with yourself. Consider what it would be like to rarely desire another person sexually. What would it be like to know millions of people are easily turned on, but you feel deader than a doorknob? And what if your spouse, the person you love most, had no understanding of what you're going through? What if she kept telling you about her unhappiness in the marriage, that you're a sexual disappointment? How would you feel?

While you're unhappy about the difference in your sexual appetites, you're not alone; your spouse isn't having a picnic either. Given the choice, your spouse wouldn't opt for this chasm between you. Even if your spouse appears uncaring about your feelings, he's hurting too. It's no fun knowing you've fallen short in the eyes of a person you love.

Perhaps your spouse's lack of desire stems from marital stress or discord. If so, be willing to acknowledge your contribution to the problem and to change yourself. A more loving marriage may be the only aphrodisiac your relationship needs.

Strike while the iron is hot. Testosterone levels rise and fall at different times, and there may be times when your spouse is more receptive. In many men, testosterone surges in the early morning, around 7 or 8 A.M. If you're a woman whose husband isn't as interested as you'd like, even if you're not quite in the mood early in the morning, you might give yourself an extra push to see if your husband is "up" yet.

If you're a man, you should know your wife's hormones spike too. It may be later in the evening, in the middle of her menstrual cycle, or closer to the end of the month. Ask your wife to see if she notices certain times when she feels slightly sexier than other times.

Talk about you. Rather than criticize your spouse's character or actions, talk about how you are feeling. Instead of saying, "You're just saying no to punish me," say, "While I know you aren't trying to hurt me, when we make love so infrequently, I feel as if you're not attracted to me or that you don't love me." When you share your feelings rather than accuse, you're more likely to be met with compassion rather than defensiveness.

Be willing to help. Express your willingness to change or approach your sexual relationship differently if it will help. Ask, "Is there something I could do differently that would make you feel more turned on or more interested in me physically?"

Help your spouse feel ready. Do you ever feel that your spouse won't make love until a long list of prerequisites have been met? Have you been frustrated by trying to meet your spouse's requests in the past, only to get rebuffed?

If you frequently dismiss your spouse's "wish list" of mood-enhancing needs, your spouse will feel misunderstood and disregarded. Try to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Do what your spouse asks, even if you're not positive it will make a difference. That's part of the gift you can give.

Try a little acceptance. If still nothing works, you can decide to continue being miserable, resenting your spouse, continuing to fight, and remaining distant. Or you can decide to accept what isn't changeable about your marriage. If your marriage is basically good other than your sexual relationship, you can tell yourself, I love my spouse. While I wish things were different, I'm going to accept my mate the way she is. I won't take her lack of desire personally. From now on, I won't make sex an issue between us. I'll focus on the strengths in our marriage and work hard at letting go of the rest.

Hard to do? You bet. Marriages are never perfect; even the great ones have their shortcomings. Find other ways to build closeness and connection. Attend a marriage conference or seminar. Meet with a marriage or family counselor. And above all, pray about it, asking God to help both of you change, if necessary, to renew the spark in your sexual intimacy.

No matter how distant you and your spouse may feel, it's never too late to have a loving, intimate, mutually satisfying sexual relationship. Never.

10 Pregnancy Myths

2007-04-03T04:47:00.000+08:00

Once you've spread the news that you're pregnant, don't be surprised if family, friends and even strangers start giving you homespun advice.

The truth is, pregnancy is rife with Old Wives' tales that have been passed from generation to generation.

Here are some of the most common myths which, while entertaining, are not at all true.

* The Spicy Food Fraud
Spicy food will bring on labor. "For the most part, pregnant women can eat just about anything, but there are certain foods that we tell them to look out for, or to try and avoid, Those include very soft cheeses, unpasteurized cheeses and raw-milk cheese. Though rare, they may contain a bacteria called lysteria that has been associated with miscarriage or pre-term labor.
* The Fetal Heart Rate Fallacy
If your baby's heart is low, you're carrying a boy. If it's high, it's a girl.
* The You-Can't-Be-Too Careful Yarn
If a pregnant woman raises her hands above her head, she'll choke her baby.
* The Steamy Sex Superstition
Making mad, passionate love will induce labor. "Sex is not going to cause you to go into labor, but we tell people to go ahead anyway, It's worth trying.
* The Old Heartburn Harangue
If a pregnant woman has frequent heartburn, her baby will have a full head of hair.
* The Sty-in-the-Eye-Lie
Those who deny a pregnant woman the food she craves will get a sty in their eye.
* The Ugly Stick Trick
If a pregnant woman sees something ugly or horrible, her baby will be ugly. "That one's wrong on two counts — one is there's no scientific evidence, but number two is that there's no such thing as an ugly baby.
*The Old Java Jive
A baby born with light brown birthmarks (known as cafe au lait spots), the mother drank too much coffee or had unfulfilled cravings during her pregnancy. Again, a myth!
*The Gender Bender
If a pregnant woman's face breaks out, she is carrying a girl who will steal all of her mother's beauty. The thing about it is that it's so chauvinistic — why is it that a girl's going to steal her mother's beauty? — anyway, it's not true, it's ridiculous.
* The Poor Complexion Connection
A woman who carries wide, is having a girl. A woman who carried forward, is having a boy. "It's a common myth, but it's not true.

During pregnancy, the best strategy is to "take advice from friends with a grain of salt,who adds, but when it comes to the advice from your doctor you should really listen up."

The Reality Of Married Life

2007-04-02T20:25:00.000+08:00

Be careful and discreet; it is much easier to get married than unmarried. If you have the right mate, it's heavenly; but if not, you live in a twenty-four-hour daily hell that clings constantly to you, it can be one of the bitterest things in life. Life is indeed strange. Somehow, when you find the right one, you know it in your heart. It is not just an infatuation of the moment. But the powerful urges of sex drive a young person headlong into blind acts and one cannot trust his feelings too much.Love is much more than sex though; it is the biological foundation between a man and a woman; love and sex get all inter-twined and mixed up".

Problems

Almost everyday, we hear people complaining about their marriages. Very seldom do we hear stories about a happy marriage. Young people reading romantic novels and seeing romantic films often conclude that marriage is a bed of roses. Unfortunately, marriage is not as sweet as one thinks. Marriage and problems are interrelated and' people must remember that when they are getting married, they will have to face problems and responsibilities that they had never expected or experienced hitherto.

People often think that it is a duty to get married and that marriage is a very important event in their lives. However, in order to ensure a successful marriage, a couple has to harmonize their lives by minimizing whatever differences they may have between them. Marital problems prompted a cynic to say that there can only be a peaceful married life if the marriage is between a blind wife and a deaf husband, for the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and a deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of his wife.

Sharing and Trust

One of the major causes of marital problems is suspicion and mistrust. Marriage is a blessing but many people make it a curse due to lack of understanding.

Both husband and wife should show implicit trust for one another and try not to have secrets between them. Secrets create suspicion, suspicion leads to jealously, jealousy generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation, suicide or even murder.

If a couple can share pain and pleasure in their day-to-day life, they can console each other and minimize their grievances. Thus, the wife or husband should not expect to experience only pleasure. There will be a lot of painful, miserable experiences that they will have to face. They must have the strong willpower to reduce their burdens and misunderstandings. Discussing mutual problems will give them confidence to live together with better understanding.

Man and woman need the comfort of each other when facing problems and difficulties. The feelings of insecurity and unrest will disappear and life will be more meaningful, happy and interesting if there is someone who is willing to share another's burden.

Blinded by Emotions

When two people are in love, they tend to show only the best aspects of their nature and character to each other in order to project a good impression of themselves. Love is said to be blind and hence people in love tend to become completely oblivious of the darker side of each other's natures.

In practice, each will try to highlight his or her sterling qualities to the other; and being so engrossed in love, they tend to accept each other at "face value" only. Each lover will not disclose the darker side of his or her nature for fear of losing the other. Any personal shortcomings are discreetly swept under the carpet, so to speak, so as not to jeopardize their chances of winning each other. People in love also tend to ignore their partner's faults thinking that they will be able to correct them after marriage, or that they can live with these faults, that "love will conquer all".

However, after marriage, as the initial romantic mood wears off, the true nature of each other's character will be revealed. Then, much to the disappointment of both parties, the proverbial veil that had so far been concealing the innermost feelings of each partner is removed to expose the true nature of both partners. It is then that disillusion sets in.

Material Needs

Love by itself does not subsist on fresh air and sunshine alone. The present world is a materialistic world and in order to meet your material needs, proper financing and budgeting is essential. Without it, no family can live comfortably. Such a situation aptly bears out the saying that "when poverty knocks at the door, love flies through the window". This does not mean that one must be rich to make a marriage work. However, if one has the bare necessities of life provided through a secure job and careful planning, many unnecessary anxieties can be removed from a marriage.

The discomfort of poverty can be averted if there is complete understanding between the couple. Both partners must understand the value of contentment. Both must treat all problems as "our problems" and share all the "ups" and "downs" in the true spirit of a long-standing life partnership.

Anger In Marriage

2007-03-31T12:02:00.000+08:00

Is it wrong to feel angry?

A good question. Certainly anger is not a comfortable feeling to have. It may be a slow smouldering feeling burning us up inside, or perhaps a fierce boiling feeling ready to overflow into words and actions at any moment.

Actually the feeling of anger is very simply the reaction inside us to something someone has done or said or an event that has occurred.

When do you feel angry?

I feel angry when someone has let me down, lied to me or ignored me. Beneath that is a need in me to be valued which has not been met.

Sometimes I feel angry over an injustice and that spurs me on to do something about it, if I can.

There is nothing morally wrong about feeling anger at something, but most of us would agree that it would be wrong of me to hit my husband, because I was angry with him. What we do with our anger is so important.

Destructive anger

Feelings of anger may not last, but we can develop an attitude of anger, which is not actually an emotional thing. It's when we hold on to our anger, offence and resentment, nursing it and feeding it, so it grows. Bitterness can follow on and hardness of heart, an unwillingness to forgive and a desire to hurt someone and make them pay. That sort of anger can be very destructive - it tends to distort our view of reality, making it even harder for us to forgive and heal a relationship.

We can become more and more focused on the injury, the injustice or hurt. It draws all our focus onto our hurt, onto the issue. We no longer see the other person's point of view. We withdraw into ourselves, trying to punish them, even by our coldness. It kills relationships.

Handling Anger

What do we do if we discover anger has taken a hold of us? Admitting that the anger is there is a good start.

We all have different ways of handling anger that we've learnt as we grew up. Some of us can't handle it, we let it pour out of us like molten metal, burning everything in range.

We may hold it in, smolder and become more and more resentful, or we may boil over quickly and it's all gone.

The trouble is if we boil over, the damage may be done before we've calmed down. Words can be said that cannot be easily forgotten.

Anger often makes us lose sight of others� needs totally and focus only on our own hurt. It's amazing what a keen sense of justice and injustice we have when we're the injured party.

Perhaps something between the two is better. If we can hold on to our angry words long enough to think rationally about things, then we may manage to make some decisions about what to do with our anger. Anger can be expressed calmly. It can be expressed in a way that doesn't seek to destroy another person. It can be used to push us into sorting a problem out with someone else rather than just brushing it under the carpet.

The hurt behind the anger may be very real. We may need to talk about it, either with our partner or with someone we can trust. If you talk with your partner, try and remember they may not have intended hurting you and may regret it.

Forgiveness is an important step - making a decision not to demand revenge. It's hard to do this if we have a sense that someone is "getting away with something". We may need to remember some of our own past mistakes and what it meant to us to be forgiven. It takes a lot of courage to face up to mistakes and to own up to them. One never knows what reception one may get. Treat others as you wish to be treated yourself.

We may need to say sorry to our loved one for holding onto the anger and being unforgiving. It may also help to recognise how we were hurt. Perhaps we were expecting too much of our partner; perhaps we were too easily offended or too sensitive.

Some good advice I've heard at a wedding was never to let the sun go down on a quarrel or anger. It is always possible to start the healing process by saying sorry for hurtful words. A good nights sleep and time to reflect may bring some wisdom on how to sort things out further. Using conflict constructively to sort out problems and resolve issues can really strengthen a relationship.

At the end of the day what is more important - your relationship or giving vent to your anger and sense of being wronged?

Sexual Expectations: Realistic or Not

2007-03-29T10:24:00.000+08:00

Whether you are involved with someone new or married for a years to the same person, you and your partner each bring to the union a set of sexual expectations.

"To expect," as defined by Webster’s, means "to consider reasonable, due or necessary." Expectations are our beliefs about how things ought to be. Certain sexual expectations are near-universal: To use a very basic example, most of us expect to have sexual relations with the person we marry.

But a couple’s expectations may clash when it comes to the particulars of their sexual relationship. For instance, her idea of "regular sex" may be twice a week while he considers twice a month sufficient. Or he may think that his partner should consistently reach orgasm during lovemaking while she doesn’t care whether she climaxes every time. Because of her partner’s expectations, though, she may feel guilty when she doesn’t.

When we enter into an intimate relationship, we often bring expectations based on our past sexual experiences; this can lead to problems if people have too firmed a grip on their expectations." For example, he said, "I’ve seen many men who expect their mate to reach orgasm from intercourse because they claim that previous partners have all had orgasms that way." If the man’s current partner is unable to achieve coital orgasms, "he assumes that there’s something wrong."

Judging your partner’s sexual traits against those of other people is not only unfair, it’s also unrealistic. Every person’s sexuality is unique, and it just doesn’t make sense to expect your mate to be like anyone else. People also should realize that when making such comparisons, they often idealize and exaggerate the sexual attributes of their past lovers.

It also is not uncommon for people to measure their mate against some imagined ideal of what a man or woman "should" be like: e.g., "men are always ready to have sex" or "women who like sex have multiple orgasms." But such expectations set the stage for frustration and relationship conflict. The person whose expectations are dashed feels disappointed, even angry, at his or her partner’s lack of so-called "normal" sexual response. And when these feelings are communicated, verbally or otherwise, the partner is likely to end up feeling inadequate as well as resentful.

Although change is certainly possible in any relationship, a person’s basic personality (including their sexual self) tends not to change dramatically in the course of a lifetime. "If your partner’s sexual appetite has always been much less than yours, there are ways for the two of you to work with that and get more out of the relationship, But it’s probably not realistic to expect that one day your partner will somehow be transformed into someone with a very high libido.

When Sexual Expectations Fall Short not all sexual expectations, however, are unrealistic. Sometimes expectations for a better sex life can be a positive motivating force, if both partners are willing to make sex a priority, then there’s a pretty good shot at making that happen.

Sex lives suffer not because their expectations are too high but because they are too low, we tend not to give sex sufficient attention and importance, it is very common for people to put sex on the back burner, to regard it as cursory rather than one of life’s great pleasures."

Determining What Realistic Is

No matter what your situation, you can choose to make it better, but if your expectations are narrowly defined, you’re less inclined to make positive changes. When people feel that they don’t have choices, that’s when their expectations are too narrow. They don’t get as much out of life as they could.

But then, unhappiness also can result from expecting too much, harboring expectations that are unlikely to be fulfilled. So, how does one identify which sexual expectations are realistic and which aren’t?

There are no hard-and-fast rules. But a good place to start is to learn more about male and female sexual physiology because many people’s expectations are based on misconceptions about these physical realities. Especially prevalent in this culture are misconceptions about women’s orgasm. For example, many believe it’s the norm for women to climax through intercourse. But that view is contradicted, most women cannot reach orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation, which intercourse doesn’t usually provide.

Becoming aware of this simple fact can make a world of difference for couples whose intimate lives have suffered because of a misguided belief.

If you think that your sex life could be better, you and your partner need to talk "about what’s fixable and what isn’t. But if certain changes are inevitable, the best we can do is adjust our expectations and work with what we have. When sexual expectations are in keeping with reality, they are much more likely to be fulfilled — and that means greater sexual happiness…

Secrets of Successful Married Life

2007-03-28T06:36:00.000+08:00

Successful marriage depends on trust, respect and love for each other. These are three pillars of any successful married life. Apart from these if you couples or singles know the tips to success given below, i am sure, you will not face any problem in your married life.

Preparations

Be with each other.
Provide a refuge and sanctuary for each other from the chill winds of the world. Your marriage is a hearth, from whence comes the peace, harmony, and warmth of soul and spirit. Its like bicycle, where it is necessary for both wheels to work.

Love to be loved.
Warm your loved one's body with your healing touch. Remember that as babies can die with lack of touching, so can marriages wither from lack of closeness. Touch is the best feeling which you can give to anybody, even plants grow faster if you touch them daily and here its you n your beloved.

Be more like a friend.
Friendship can be a peaceful island, separate and apart, in a world of turmoil and strife. Reflect upon the tranquility of the many future years you can share with a true friend, and beware of becoming battling enemies under the same roof. Don't forget," Friendship is a plant whose roots are embedded in hearts and flower blossom in heaven".

Openness is key to success.
Bind not yourselves in the secretness that causes suspicion and doubt. Trust and reveal yourselves to each other, even as the budding rose opens to reveal its fragrance and beauty. This is the most important point in married life, openness, be frank and say what ever you want, don't look like under the carpet deal, as this will built suspicion and tension

Listen to know each other.
And hear not only words, but also the non-language of tone, mood, and expression. Learn to listen to understand rather than listening to argue. Listening each other will help you to know each other better and give little space for arguments and tensions.

Respect each other feelings.
Remember that each is a person of flesh and blood, entitled to his or her own choices and mistakes. Each owns himself, and has the right to equality. Remember criticism divides, while compliments encourage confidence in the other. Try to ignore each other mistakes, this will help you both. Respect each other feelings and choices, don't blatantly speak out about the choices.

Allow the individuality.
Seek not to create for each other a new mold that can only fit with much discomfort and pain. Accept the other as they are, as you would have yourself accepted. Be what you are and never try to restrain your ideologies and words on each other. Let both of you maintain a individuality with space to fit each other rather causing discomfort and pain.

Enjoy your togetherness.
Let no one come between your togetherness, not child, not friend, nor worldly goods. Yet maintain enough separateness to allow each other his or her own uniqueness.

Don't boost.
Never boost about your individuality and independence. Boosting in public or parties can cause/develop tension in your life as no person would like to hear boosting unnecessary.

Respect your husband.
The most Important, never give an impression that just because you are not dependent on your husband you can do anything and that your husband has no right to tell you anything. Don't fight over small matters and learn to avoid unnecessary tensions.

10 Commandments for a Successful Married Life

2007-03-26T23:50:00.000+08:00

Immature love says: "I love you because I need you."
Mature love says: "I need you because I love you."

1. Love Comes First: Physical love is good, but there has to be genuine spiritual love also in your heart. Your immediate neighbor is your own spouse. So let charity begin at home and set an example by loving your spouse first and foremost. Follow the scripture: "Love thy neighbor as thyself".

2. Narrow the Gulf: Whether it is a love marriage, arranged marriage or forced marriage, differences are bound to arise. Both of you come from different backgrounds, upbringings and environments. You must be ready to overlook the sharp differences, lapses or shortcomings.

3. Forgive & Forget: Remember, to forgive is divine, and keep doing it, even if you have to repeat this process for infinite times.

4. Begin the Day Cool: Early in the morning, both spouses should try to remain calm and cool. No discussions or arguments in the early morning hours.

5. Silence Can Save: When you leave home for work in the morning, be at your best behavior. If one of you is provoked or complains, silence is the best answer. Conversely, you can say, "We will discuss it in the evening".

6. Inquire & Appreciate: After you return home, enquire and take interest in one another's activity during the day: "How was your day?" You must show your genuine appreciation and sympathy. Top it with a pleasant smile.

7. Listen & Sympathize: Do listen to your spouse attentively and sympathetically. Never ignore. Even at your place of work, if you get a telephone call from your partner, be polite and courteous, in spite of your busy schedule.

8. Don't Forget to Compliment: Make use of "Thank you", "Well done", "You have done a good job", and "I am sorry", as frequently as is necessary. Be generous in your praise and compliments.

9. Don't Compare: Do not enter into comparisons. No one is 100% perfect or 100% imperfect. We all have flaws and shortcomings. Always look at the good qualities of your spouse.

10. Keep Smiling: Be cheerful and smile away your problems. Give a smile as often as you can. Only a human person is endowed with this blessing. Animals do not have this rare faculty. Did you know you use only 20 muscles for a smile but 70 muscles for a frown? So, keep smiling!

Married…with Passion (Why a good sex life is worth forethought as well as foreplay)

2007-03-25T01:41:00.000+08:00

Think about it: 90 percent of life is filled with mundane tasks, such as changing dirty diapers, cleaning up countless spills, paying the bills, going to the grocery store, working. And many men and women have financial obligations that require them to work in deadly dull jobs.

Into this world of obligation and responsibility, God has dropped something absolutely fabulous into our laps. At the end of the day (and sometimes at the beginning!), when our work is done and the kids are in bed, we can touch, kiss, and pleasure each other in such a way that the world feels light-years away.

A fulfilling sex life colors the marriage from top to bottom and is a powerful marital glue—even stronger than children, common values, faith, or dreams.

The kind of sex I'm talking about takes work and forethought—but the dividends are worth the effort.

Women: Why you want to make hubby happy

1. A sexually fulfilled husband will do anything for you.

Sex is such a basic need for men that when this area is well taken care of, they feel immense appreciation and act accordingly. A sexually fulfilled man drives to work thinking, I'm so glad I married that woman. I must be the happiest man alive! And then heads home thinking, What special thing can I do for my wife this evening? If you want this kind of loyalty and appreciation, meet your husband's sexual needs; no other need generates such deep thankfulness.

Some wives may be thinking, I tried that, and it didn't work. You can't just "try" this; it has to become a way of life. One good time of sex will make a man thankful—for a while. But if he's turned down the next five times, he'll think about the five rejections, not that one special night.

For the majority of men, this sexual need is the primary request they seek from their wives. You can be the best cook, and a fantastic conversationalist, but if you put no effort into your lovemaking, your husband will feel disappointed. Conversely, if you give your husband a thrilling sex life, you might be surprised at how little he cares about other things that go wanting.

2. A sexually fulfilled husband is a scriptural mandate.

In 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 the apostle Paul writes: "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

While I don't pretend to be a Bible scholar, I can give you the Leman translation: Paul is telling us he wants us to do it. And if we want to stop for prayer, that's okay. And then what I love about this great saint of the church is that he wants us to do it again!

Now, if talking to your husband, I'd remind him that one of the all-time great biblical lines is, "Love does not demand its own way" (1 Corinthians 13:5, NLT). When a guy tries to use 1 Corinthians 7 to get his wife to do something kinky or distasteful to her, that's not what Paul is talking about.

Marriage is an exercise in mutual submission. Admittedly, there are times you're too pooped to whoop; but if you're the only one too pooped, you may be willing to whoop anyway because you know that will please your spouse.

Here's a common scenario: a husband wakes up early with incontrovertible physical evidence that Mr. Happy is ready to go "dancing." He looks over and there's his wife, sleeping. With a glance at the clock, he notices that it's 6:15 and they don't have to get up until 7:00.

Forty-five minutes! he thinks. Man, what I could do in 45 minutes!

He then starts to communicate in a way only a man would think effective—he reaches his toe over to his wife's side of the bed and pokes her. When that doesn't work, he might become more direct and grab a breast, fully expecting, even after 15 years of marriage, that this grab will turn her into a raging sex kitten: "Why honey, I was waiting all night for you to wake me up by grabbing my breast!" Or—my favorite—he'll look at a woman who's snoring like a donkey and ask loudly, "Honey, are you asleep?"

If the marriage is a selfish one, the man will hear all sorts of defenses: "We'll wake the children." "I'm tired."

If the marriage is a selfless but nonfulfilling one, the wife may acquiesce with all the enthusiasm of someone reading the phone book.

If the marriage is a satisfied one, both parties will see the other's side. The man may realize his wife needs her sleep and, because of his love for her, lets her get that sleep. Or the wife may sacrificially decide that giving her body with joy to her husband is more important than those few minutes of slumber.

Some of these interludes, although they may start off rocky, can end up being great. But in so many marriages, when a spouse gets turned down, the seeds of bitterness are planted to the point where, later that day, the wife asks the husband to go to the grocery store and he says, "No, I can't."

"Why not? You're just watching the game."

"I'm busy."

"You don't look busy."

"I don't care what I look like, I'm busy."

What's going on here?

It's a delayed reaction. Admittedly, while it's a cheap shot, it happens all the time. The husband thinks, If she turns me down, I'll turn her down.

3. A sexually fulfilled husband will feel good about himself.

So much of who we are as men is tied into how our wives respond to us sexually. While this may surprise some of you wives, as a psychologist I believe that every healthy man wants to be his wife's hero. While he's delighted that you're experiencing an ecstatic orgasm, he's also watching you thinking, I did that to her, thank you very much.

He may not be the top dog at work, he may not have the fastest car, his hair may be falling out while his gut is getting bigger, but if his honey loves him enough to occasionally lose control in the heat of passion, he'll still feel like the king of the world. Why? Because he can please his woman.

Men: Make your wife happy

1. Sex is better when it's offered.

The best sexual satisfaction comes from satisfying someone else, not in being satisfied.

Learn to find your satisfaction in your wife's orgasm, and you'll change your love life. Instead of making sex something you demand, make it something you offer. You've got to make it enticing to your wife. Find out what gets her purring, and pursue that.

2. Who's winning in the marriage?

Control wreaks havoc in a marriage, and control is where most men fail. Because a man is often expected to be the physical aggressor, it's easy for him to develop a controlling position in marriage by "proving" his masculinity every time he has sex.

You know what? Sometimes a woman enjoys being "vanquished" in the midst of a healthy, loving, and committed marriage. But I've never met a woman who wants sex to be like that all the time, or even most of the time.

If sex becomes a problem issue in a marriage, it's often a power struggle over "who's the boss." And men are adept at the subtle ways they wield power. In fact, a woman can be "controlled" by a man who never approaches her for sex. He may always insist that his wife initiate sex, so he never risks being turned down. There's a psychological MO at play: for him to have emotionally satisfying sex, it has to be on his terms.

A much healthier model is one of mutual submissiveness. Mutual submissiveness insists you die to your self. Marriage is about learning to put someone else's needs above your own, and this goes far beyond the bedroom. It's about graciously doing the mundane, everyday things as part of being a couple, developing a friendship, and caring for each other.

If you "win" in your marriage, you'll lose at life. Give up control. Use your power to serve, protect, and pleasure.

3. Sexually pursue your wife outside the bedroom.

Good sex is an all-day affair. You can't treat your wife like a servant and expect her to be eager to sleep with you at night. Your wife's sexual responsiveness will be determined by how willingly you help out with the dishes, the kids' homework, or that leaky faucet that drips.

This is difficult for many men to understand, in large part because we remove sex from every other part of our life. We think sex fixes things on its own—but it doesn't do that for a woman. The context, the history, the current level of emotional closeness—all that directly affects your wife's desire and enjoyment of sexual relations. A good lover works just as hard outside the bedroom as he does inside it.

Marriage and marital sexuality require a lot of trust. That's why the marriage bed is usually an accurate picture of what else is going on in the marriage. The degree to which a couple is vulnerable to each other eventually plays out in the bedroom. If trust isn't built, the marital bed will grow cold. Conversely, when trust is lovingly handled, marital passion heats up. Success in the bedroom then spills into other areas of the relationship; the wife and husband are kinder to each other and treat each other with greater respect.

When you improve your marriage, you'll usually improve your sex life. When you improve your sex life, you'll improve the rest of your marriage. The two are intricately entwined, so making more effort in any one area is a good investment.

Wives, do you want your husband to be a better father? Do you want him to spend more time at home? To listen to you more carefully? Work at helping him become sexually fulfilled.

Husbands, do you want a wife who has less stress, who's more appreciative and respectful of you? Learn what pleases her sexually.

Every couple can benefit from improving their sex lives. It's pleasant work, and in my experience there are few things that produce such amazing fringe benefits.

The 5 Sides of Intimacy

2007-03-24T17:35:00.000+08:00

All-encompassing

There's something about our psychological, spiritual, and physical makeup that cries out for intimacy with another. That's because God designed marriage to be the most intimate of all human relationships, in which we share life intellectually, socially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

Are you and your spouse intimate in these ways?

Intellectual intimacy. This isn't about discussing highly intellectual ideas. The important thing is discussing your thoughts. They may be thoughts about food, finances, health, crime, work, politics. They reveal something of what's gone on in your mind throughout the day.

Social intimacy. This has to do with spending time around the events of life. Some of these events we experience together; others happen while we're apart and are shared through open communication. Much of life involves doing. When we do things together, we not only develop a sense of teamwork, we also enhance our sense of intimacy.

Emotional intimacy. Feelings are our spontaneous, emotional responses to what we encounter through the five senses. I see the fire truck racing down the road and I feel troubled. You touch my hand and I feel loved. When we share emotions, we build emotional intimacy.

Spiritual intimacy. Often the least excavated of all the foundations of marital intimacy, yet this has a significant impact on the others. It doesn't require agreement of belief on every detail. Instead, we seek to tell each other what's going on in our inner self. It's discussing our thoughts about spiritual realities. The purpose isn't agreement, but understanding.

Physical intimacy. Because men and women are different (long live their differences!), we often come at sexual intimacy in different ways. The husband's emphasis is often on the physical aspects—the seeing, touching, and climax are the focus of his attention. The wife, though, comes to sexual intimacy with more interest in the relationship. To feel loved, appreciated, and treated tenderly brings her great joy. Sexual intimacy requires understanding and responding to these differences.

Practicing intimacy

An essential ingredient of intimacy is allowing your spouse to be himself without striving to conform him to your ideals.

In intimacy, we try to grow closer together, not to eliminate the "otherness," but to enjoy it. Men and women are different and we must not, even with good intentions, seek to destroy those differences.

What keeps us from experiencing intimacy? All of us are egocentric; the world revolves around us. Yet, when we focus on self, we lose intimacy.

The opposite of self-centeredness, then, is love. Love concentrates on the well-being of the spouse. We take time to listen to the thoughts, feelings, and desires of our spouse. We seek to understand and to respond with empathy. We choose to do things with each other, even things that may not be our favorite activities, simply because we want to be with each other.

In the context of such intimacy we become supportive and caring of each other, which builds a stronger, more contented marriage.

Top 7 Ways an Unhappy Marriage Can Ruin Your Health

2007-03-24T17:21:00.000+08:00

Just as a happy marriage can keep you healthy, an unhappy, stressful relationship can shorten your life. Here are some of the ways that discord in a marriage can make you ill.

1) Changes in Systems

Unhappy married, especially women, experience changes in their endocrine and immune systems.

2) Hormones

You may have elevated levels of epinephrine and cortisol hormones.

3) Blood Pressure

Stressed individuals often show increases in blood pressure readings.

4) Pain

In unhappy relationships could have a greater experience of pain.

5) Gum Disease

People are prone to more gum disease and cavities when facing marital problems.

6) Ulcers

You may suffer from ulcers in the stomach and intestine.

7) Influenza and Common Cold

Lack of harmony in marriage can cause couples to have a higher incidence of influenza and the common cold.

Five secrets of lasting love

2007-03-21T04:53:00.000+08:00

Here's the bottom-line truth we discovered from our decades of work with couples in long-term relationships: People can endure long-term relationships in many ways, but they will only thrive if they do five things. In other words, you can grow older with your partner in many ways, but you will only grow closer and more creative through the steady practice of five actions.

We believe these five actions should be taught in every classroom in every school, every day. They most definitely should not be secrets we have to seek or stumble onto by trial and error. Yet they are. Almost none of us begin our love relationships knowing how to do these simple things, and our relationships are disastrous as a consequence. Let's permanently remove the veil that has covered these secrets and begin a new era of intimacy in close relationships.

Secret No. 1

If you want a close, vibrant love relationship, you need to become a master of commitment.How to make real commitments to each other. There is an art to commitment, but almost nobody knows how to practice it.

The first step of this art is to spot and acknowledge the unconscious commitments that cause us to sabotage the harmony of our close relationships.For example, suppose a politician were to be caught having an adulterous relationship. Imagine how it would change that person's life, as well as the lives of the constituents, if the politician identified and acknowledged his unconscious commitments by saying, "From the evidence, I'm slowly beginning to realize that I'm committed to philandering, sexual betrayal and lying. I also appear to be committed to getting caught. I'm committed to finding out if people will still like me after they find out I'm bad.

In practical reality, the act of claiming ownership of an unconscious commitment changes a troublesome dynamic in a relationship faster than anything else.

The second step of the art of commitment is to make commitments you can stand by. Real commitments can be made only about things you have control over. Real commitments are verifiable. If you make a phony commitment -- such as, "I promise to love you forever" -- you set up an impossible situation by promising an illusion. Nobody can commit to loving someone forever because some days you won't even wake up feeling loving toward yourself. Love is a mystery -- part feeling, part spirit, part mind -- and mysteries by their very nature are outside our control. A real commitment would be to commit to telling your partner the truth about when you're feeling loving and when you're not. This type of commitment saves relationships while turning on the flow of intimacy and creativity.

Secret No. 2

If you want a long-term relationship that's both close and creatively vital, you have to become emotionally transparent. To go all the way to ultimate closeness and full creative expression, you must eliminate all barriers to speaking and hearing the truth about everything.

We have to listen to the truth about everything from our partners, and how to speak the truth about everything to our partners. Everything means everything: feelings, deeds, hopes, dreams. We have to consider any hesitation about telling or hearing the unvarnished truth to be a symptom of resistance to greater love and creativity.

We know this move is radical because it produces huge bursts of creative energy in everyone who tries it. As a practice, it has awesome power. As a concept, it quickly polarizes people -- we've seen talk show audiences erupt in cheers and boos when we've said couples need to tell the truth to each other about everything. After 20-plus years, though, we've still found no exceptions to the truth rule.

Secret No. 3

If you want a long-term relationship that's both close and creatively vital, you must break the cycle of blame and criticism -- it's an addiction that saps creative energy as surely as drugs or drink.

We have to go on a strict no-blame diet and stick to it. As a practice, this move liberates tremendous energy. In fact, we've seen life-altering breakthroughs come about when couples simply went one full day without criticizing or blaming each other. As a concept, the idea of giving up blame and criticism is often greeted with derision. "Impossible," some say. "How boring," say others. We have found that it's actually possible and anything but boring. The couple who is deeply addicted to blame and criticism has usually come to mistake the adrenalized drama of conflict for the flow of connection. The idea of life without the adrenalin may seem dull and empty at first, much like a lifelong flagellant must feel that first day without the self-administered whip.

Secret No. 4

If you want a vibrant long-term relationship -- one in which you feel close as a couple and creative as individuals -- you have to do something radical about your creativity. You have to take your attention away from fixing the other person and put it on expressing your own creativity. Even one hour a week of focusing on your own creativity will produce results. More than that will often produce miracles.

Nothing will sap your vital energy faster than squelching your creativity. Often, couples stifle their individual creativity in order to focus on fixing and changing the other person. Since this seldom produces tangible results, they devote more energy to the other person as a fixer-upper and less to individual creativity. When results are not forthcoming, they complain about the other person to third parties. They enter a dangerous cycle of complaint that has addictive properties -- the more you do it the more things there are to complain about. Ultimately this leads to dissipation of creative energy and inner despair.

By contrast, fully creative people don't have time for complaint. Even if you're not fully engaged in creativity (even, as our research indicates, if you're doing only an hour a week of creative expression), you will see quantum enhancement of vitality within the relationship with every increase in creative self-expression.

Secret No. 5

If you want to create vital, long-lasting love, you must become a master of verbal and nonverbal appreciation. We teach couples how to appreciate each other spontaneously and frequently. Although this may sound like a simple thing, it most definitely is not. In fact, it's the last thing we teach in the program because it's the hardest to learn. To utter a clear, heartfelt appreciation to another person is radical partly because it's so rare. To receive such an appreciation from another person is equally challenging. Most of us have never seen or heard a rich flow of spoken appreciations in relationships. In fact, many people cannot recall a single instance of clear appreciation in their families of origin.

The simple solution is to speak a heartfelt ten-second appreciation to the other person, for no reasons other than to signify a commitment to appreciation and to open the flow of appreciation. In other words, the spoken appreciation is not to get a particular result from the other person. In reality, it produces powerful results very quickly, but it is important that the appreciation not be spoken as a manipulation or in expectation of a reward.

Overcoming Physical Barriers

2007-03-20T02:30:00.000+08:00

Sexual dysfunction, however, is not necessarily something that is in one's head, and is a major reason sexual relationships suffer. Erectile dysfunction among men aged 65 and older is usually related to physical problems,most cases of erectile dysfunction for men under 65 are more psychological.

That's not to say there isn't a mental aspect to erectile dysfunction in older men. As with any medical condition, psychological issues also come into play. For men, much of their self-esteem emanates from how they feel sexually. Erectile dysfunction (ED) affects 25 percent of men either completely or moderately by age 40. By age 70, that increases to one out of two men.

More important, research in the last three to five years shows that impotence or sexual dysfunction is largely a physical problem, not an emotional problem. "Nearly everything we assumed in the last 95 years was totally wrong,"E.D. is a circulatory problem, it's part of vascular disease…E.D. is an early warning sign of a heart attack."

In addition to cardiovascular conditions, depression, anxiety and prostate disease can also be factors in sexual dysfunction or sexual problems. And the bad news is that medications for these conditions negatively affect sexual functioning, creating a vicious cycle and making it harder to jump-start one's sex life, and possibly affecting a couple's overall relationship.

Viagra has replaced traditionally invasive treatments for men's sexual dysfunction,new medications more effective than Viagra will soon hit the market. These will be easier to take, quicker acting and will not pose a cardiovascular threat as Viagra has shown to.

However, what works even better than Viagra for many men with erectile dysfunction is increasing one's physical activity, kicking the smoking habit, and watching one's weight and cholesterol. As erectile dysfunction is related to cardiovascular disease, such changes can also reduce the risk of the biggest killer of men in the world.

Meanwhile, older women experience reduced vaginal lubrication and reduced blood flow to sex organs, and the intensity of muscle spasms during an orgasm are diminished. These and other issues can be addressed through estrogen replacement therapy and something as simple as using lubricants.

Strategies for Keeping the Spark Alive

* Treat your partner as if you're dating
* Romance your spouse outside the bedroom
* Plan a date night
* Talk with your partner
* Listen to your partner
* Understand your partner's sexual needs and desires
* Keep physically fit and attractive for your partner
* Maintain perspective on sex as life ebbs and flows
* Resolve any underlying conflicts as they will spillover to the bedroom
* Have fun and engage in foreplay, whether that's kissing, sexual banter or anything else
* Be adventurous and creative in and outside the bedroom
* Exercise, preferably together
* Stop smoking and get your partner to quit
* Watch your weight and cholesterol
* Consider seeking specialized treatment from a specialist if behavioral changes don't work

The High Price of a Bad Relatonship

2007-03-19T00:30:00.000+08:00

When things go sour, it's not only your heart that can be broken.

The health benefits of marriage are undeniable. But there's also a dark side: Evidence is mounting that, at least for women, crummy marriages are health vampires, and relationship stress--even more than work stress--undermines the body's physiological defenses.

Couples who handle their disagreements in a negative way, for example, don't heal as well,tiny suction wounds made on the palms of their hands.

Afterward, they talked to each other about marital sore spots like money, in-laws,The couples in happy marriages mended very quickly, while those in nasty relationships characterized by zingers, sarcasm, and put-downs, healed 40% more slowly.

However, the women's bodies proved to be far more sensitive to hostile remarks than the men.

"Biologically, the different reactions women have to a husband who says 'You idiot' versus 'I guess you and I just see this differently' are enormous," she says. "Women just have a more intense physiological reaction to hostility in relationships than men do."

This happens, she says, for two reasons: First, women tend to evaluate negativity in their own relationships accurately, "while men tend to be semi-oblivious to it." And second, even when the negativity registers with men, "they tend to forget it quickly, while women will often relive the angry exchanges over and over, for hours."

Women don't seem to get used to nastiness and negativity, even in good marriages. The happy older couples who had been married an average of 42 years. Just like in the newlyweds, stress hormones increased during conflict, but only for the women.

"It would be nice if we could just say to ourselves, I should be more thick-skinned and not take his remarks so personally, but women can't seem to shut it off like that. It's not like there's a hearing aid we can yank out of our ears,if the bad feelings and hostility are still alive in you emotionally, then they're still affecting you physically."

5 Yoga Moves For Better Sex

2007-03-18T04:54:00.000+08:00

In ancient times yogis practiced celibacy so that all of their energy could be directed toward spiritual advancement. Makes you wonder: How could these supposedly wise guys have gotten it so wrong?

Today yoga lovers are finding that more time on the mat means more--and steamier--time spent reveling in their newly toned bodies. To take a walk on yoga's carnal side, add these moves to your routine. Or just do them by themselves to turn up the heat.

Flex Time Is Sex Time

Having more flexible muscles and joints definitely helps in assuming those compromising positions. Opening your hips in particular gives you a wider range of motion in your nether regions, allowing for more direct stimulation in just the right spots. After all, one micro-movement in missionary is sometimes all it takes to ring the bell.

Sex Rx: Bound Angle

In a seated position, bring the soles of your feet together, put your hands on your ankles, allow your knees to relax toward the floor, and hinge forward at the hips as far as is comfortable. Hold for 10 to 15 complete breaths (inhales and exhales).

Power Up the Pelvis

Strengthening one key muscle helps you engage and lift the pelvic floor, bringing you more sensation and control during those hot times.

Sex Rx: Root Lock

You may also hear this referred to by its Sanskrit name, Mula Bandha. Seated or standing, contract and then release the pubococcygeus muscle located between the pubic bone and the tailbone, as if you wanted to stop the flow of urine. You can even do this at your desk, say, 10 times at three workday intervals.

Sex Goddesses Go the Distance

Shake-the-headboard sex is hard work. "The better shape you are in, the more pleasure you have and the longer you can do it."

Sex Rx: Yoga Push ups

Start in the pushup position, arms extended. Engage your abs as you lower your body slowly toward the floor. Stop when your torso is about 2 to 3 inches away. Keeping elbows in, hold there for five breaths, then lower to the floor. Repeat three times at first and build up to five.

Charge Up the Bed Batteries

A killer day at work can leave you too beat to boogie. But a few minutes of nonstrenuous yoga when you get home can mean one less night with Netflix and one more erotic evening entwined with your sweetie.

Sex Rx: Legs Up the Wall

Change into some yoga-friendly clothes. Lie on your back with one hip touching a wall. Swing your legs up and turn your body so you face the wall, legs resting against it from heels to butt, arms at your sides. Bring your awareness to your breath and focus on it for 5 minutes. This position allows more oxygen-rich blood to flow from your lower body back up to the heart and the brain, so you'll get up reenergized, refocused, and ready to rumble.

Breath of Desire

While most poses help prepare you for a libidinous rendezvous, this breathing exercise can actually heighten your pleasure in flagrante.

Sex Rx: Breath of Fire

While you're in the act, take rapid, forceful, and rhythmic breaths through your nose with your mouth closed. Don't worry if your partner thinks you're hyperventilating; he'll forget all about it when you reach a spine-tingling climax (and no doubt take credit for your fulfillment).

Overcoming Emotional Barriers ( Sex in Marriage)

2007-03-16T23:46:00.000+08:00

"The worst thing that can happen to a relationship is that a sex life becomes routine and boredom sets in," But in today's fast-paced life, filled with dueling responsibilities, a sub-par or absent sex life is a common problem.

When physical problems are not the root cause of a diminished sex life, many remedies exist to rekindle the flame of passion. Much of the fix is grounded in communication and re prioritizing one's life to make time for love and sex.

Sometimes couples need to focus on addressing unresolved conflicts between them, while other spouses just need to remember to have fun when the weight of life's responsibilities drags them and their sex life down. Still others may just need to build time into their schedules to be together and let nature takes its course. Simply setting aside date nights can jump-start one's love life.

Through communication—both verbal and non-verbal — and listening, couples come to understand what ignites that spark in the other partner. That might be cuddling, leaving love notes for your partner to find, meeting at a motel for a tryst, trying out new sex techniques, introducing a vibrator or dozens of other potential turn-ons.

Sex therapist Banner conducted a research study that included 65 couples who were having sexual problems because either one or both partners were diagnosed with sexual dysfunction or arousal problems. The average length of time these couples had been together was 24 years.

The study examined what it would take for these couples to resume normal sexual relations. For 65 percent of the couples, the introduction of educational sex videos was all that was needed to jump-start stagnant sex lives, Banner discovered.

How to Build Marital Bliss

2007-03-08T23:35:00.000+08:00

We fall in love, get married, have children and raise a family. Over the years, love deepens, the bond strengthens, but our feeling of marital satisfaction waxes and wanes.

During the "bad times," there is more arguing and blaming, less sharing and touching, fewer moments of joy and appreciation. But we weather the storms, and some 50 percent of us do stay married.

What most couples don't realize, say marriage experts, is that there are things they can do to ensure better times than worse, to make riding out the storms smoother and easier.

Marriage is like a beautiful garden,"It requires skill and constant attention. If tended to, it will thrive, but if neglected, it will wither and die."

The fact is that all marriages have problems that cause conflict and strain the relationship. Among the most common problems:

* Money. There never seems to be enough, or if there is, one person is upset about how the other spends it.
* Sex. It's the reason 45 percent of couples seek marriage counseling. Usually, one partner desires sex more often and on different terms than the other.
* Work. Partners have different role expectations about who does what within and outside of the home.
* Children. Couples may disagree over how to raise and discipline children.

Positive Communicators Fare Best:

These problems won't lead to marital meltdown if you can talk about them constructively with your partner.

Marriage and Sex

2007-03-06T03:18:00.000+08:00

Keeping the sexual spark alive in a marriage or in a long-term relationship is easier said than done. However, couples who take time to cultivate and maintain healthy and satisfying sexual relations tend to be more connected with each other and do not suffer from depression, heart problems and other health maladies, experts say.

The daily routines of life — whether careers, children or financial responsibilities — challenge couples to keep alive that flame that initially brought them together. From a practical standpoint, there's less time for sex and intimacy as relationships develop and individual partners take on more responsibilities.

Furthermore, aging brings on a host of physical conditions that can affect life in the bedroom. These include sexual dysfunction, cardiovascular conditions, arthritis and rheumatism, and a host of other problems.

Whatever the reasons for brewing trouble in the bedroom — whether emotional or physical in nature — the good news is that many such problems are easily treated. Moreover, troubles in a couple's sexual relationship are often signs of other problems, and can serve as a warning sign for still bigger troubles ahead.

Endometriosis

2007-03-04T16:01:00.000+08:00

What Is It?

This is a non-cancerous condition found in women where some of the tissues that line the inside of the womb are found elsewhere in the human body, although most times with the pelvis (where the bladder, intestines and female reproductive organs are found).

Who Are Affected?

Affects women usually between the ages of 30 - 45 years old.

What Problems Does It Produce?

The following can occur in affected women:

Heavy and sometimes irregular periods
• Painful periods
• Pain during sex
• Pain in the pelvis or lower abdomen in between periods
• May effect the ability to get pregnant

How Is It Diagnosed?

This problem can be suspected after the doctor has taken a careful medical history and has examined you.
It is most accurately diagnosed from laparoscopy (keyhole surgery) when special instruments are used to look for these tissues in your pelvis.

What Can Be Done In Terms Of Treating The Condition?

Treatment depends on what kind of problems you are experiencing.
If the symptoms are mild, you may not need any treatment. The doctor may advise that you wait and see before offering you treatment when the symptom worsens.
If the symptoms are moderate or severe, you may be given medications or offered surgery.
The medications are to control the effects from the condition and are not long-term solutions. There may be related side effects, which the doctor will explain to you before starting treatment.
Surgery offered may be reconstructive (removal of endometriosis and repair of affected organs) or ablative (removal of womb and sometimes ovaries). This is usually done if the symptoms are not better after medication. Surgery can also be offered if there are problems with conceiving due to the endometriosis.
In conclusion, endometriosis is a condition where some of the tissue lining the womb gets deposited elsewhere. As a result, the affected women may experience a variety of problems. Depending on the nature and severity of the problem, the condition can be treated accordingly. If you have any further problems, feel free to contact either your GP or gynecologist.

Endometrial Ablation

2007-03-04T15:50:00.000+08:00

Endometrial ablation is a form of minimally invasive procedure in the treatment of heavy menstrual bleeding.

With endometrial ablation, there will be:

An alternative to hysterectomy (removal of uterus).

• No hospital stay - Endometrial ablation is an outpatient procedure done in the day surgery.
• No incision wound or scarring - Endometrial ablation is done through the normal birth passage and does not require any surgical cuts.
• Reduced menstrual bleeding.
• Fast recovery with most patients returning to normal activity within two days.

During endometrial ablation, the endometrium (menstruating lining of the womb) is destroyed or removed. Hence it is not an option for women who are still considering pregnancy.

There are a few methods of endometrial ablation (Tran cervical resection, microwave ablation, uterine balloon therapy). Your gynecologist will discuss with you the most appropriate method to treat your problem.

Preparing For Endometrial Ablation

To improve the results of endometrial ablation, your doctor may treat you with some medication for a few weeks first. Alternatively, the operation can be timed to be done after your menstruation.
On the day before your operation, you will be advised to fast overnight

What Happens During Endometrial Ablation?

Endometrial ablation is usually done under general anesthesia. Hence you will be asleep during the operation and will not feel any pain.
During the surgery, the endometrium (menstruating lining of the womb) is either surgically removed or destroyed with heat or microwave.
The ablation procedure usually takes less than an hour, after which you will be taken to the recovery room for observation. You should recover fully from anesthesia after an hour or two.

After Ablation:

Discomfort

You may feel some mild to moderate cramps in your lower abdomen after surgery. Pain-relief medication will be prescribed to reduce the discomfort

Vaginal Discharge

You may experience some vaginal bleeding or watery discharge after the surgery. This can last a couple of weeks, hence do not be too alarmed.
In some cases, heavy periods may continue initially but your menstruation will begin to become lighter in the following months. A percentage of patients will not experience any more menstruation.

Activities

Most patients can return to their normal daily activities in two to three days. Do ensure you have adequate rest.
You are advised to abstain from sexual activity until your first follow-up appointment. Do check with your gynecologist when the best time to resume sexual activity is.

Important symptoms to look out for:

If you experience the following symptoms, please come to the hospital for an assessment.

• Severe abdominal pain
• Heavy vaginal bleeding
• Fever over 38°C
• Shortness of breath

Common Gynecological Problems

2007-03-04T15:17:00.000+08:00

Abnormal Uterine bleeding

what is Abnormal Uterine Bleeding?
=Any Bleeding From the womb that does not conform to your menstrual pattern.

What is the Cause?

* Fibroids
* Polyps
* Abnormal uterine lining
* Foreign body e.g. IUCD
* Hormonal imbalance
* Cancer of the womb

How Do your Doctors Determine the cause?

As cancer is the first and foremost concern, a sample of your womb lining will need to be taken for examination.

This is traditionally done by a procedure called "dilatation and curettage ( D & C), which is normally requires to general anesthesia.

However, this is a blind procedure, performed without any visual aid and can sometimes miss the problem area.

Hysteroscopy

A hysteroscopy is a telescope which is inserted into your womb via your vagina to visualize the cavity.

Any abnormal can be identified and treatment recommended to you.

Office Hysteroscopy and Endometrial Biopsy

Many of our patients, including but not limited to women who have delivered babies normally or who have had previous dilatation of the cervix performed on them during termination of pregnancy or D&C, may be suitable for hysteroscopic examination of their wombs in our outpatient hysteroscopy services.
Using a very find telescope, the womb can be inspected without any or just minimal anesthesia.
The advantages include:
• A single visit to the clinic
• No need for general anesthesia which can be hazardous at times
• No pre-operative fasting and laboratory investigations.
After the procedure you may return home or to work without the residual effect of a general anesthesia. In addition, the procedure is of a much lower cost to you.
After hysteroscopic examination, a small specimen of your womb lining is taken for histological examination.

Treatment

Treatment depends on what abnormality is detected and may include:
• Hormonal treatment
• Endometrial ablation : This requires general anesthesia and a short hospital stay. The endometrial (menstrual lining of the womb) is destroyed or removed.

• Hysterectomy

Fibroid Common
Non Cancerous
Uterine Muscle Tumor
Polyp Protrusions from lining of the Uterine Cavity
Abnormal Uterine Lining Can be due to vascular changes or hormonal imbalance
Adenomyosis Endometrial tissue invading into muscle wall of the uterus
Hormonal Imbalance May be spontaneous or due to herbs or drugs consumed

Pregnancy..

2007-03-01T23:31:00.000+08:00

Facts And Fallacies About Pregnancy

Have your family and friends been telling you about the taboos of pregnancy? How much truth is there in these hearsay?
Below are some of common myths on what pregnant mothers should or should not do.

Myth: Eating crabs may cause the child to be hyperactive

Fact: There is no scientific basis for the association of this food to a child being hyperactive. However, pregnant women are advised to have a healthy balanced diet comprising the various kinds of natural food without chemical ingredients and preservatives.

Myth: Painting during pregnancy may cause the baby to have birthmarks

Fact: Birthmarks are usually caused by some form of pigmentation in the baby's skin. It can also be due to an abnormal collection of blood vessels at a particular area. Some of the birthmarks may disappear as the child grows older while others do not.

Myth: Cutting cloth in bed may result in the baby having a cleft lip and / or palate

Fact: Cleft lips and palates are congenital defects. This condition tends to be hereditary and the risk increases with the number of affected immediate family members. However, it may also occur in babies without a family history of this condition.

Certain drugs have thought to cause this defect but findings are not conclusive

Myth: Eating twin bananas may lead to Siamese twins

Fact: Siamese twins are born with part of their bodies joined together. It happens purely by chance and takes place during the development of a single embryo.

In the majority of twin development, the embryo should separate within 2 weeks after conception. For Siamese twins, this occurs later and the embryo is not completely separated.

This condition is serious as the mortality rate for babies born with this condition is high. Fortunately, Siamese twins may be detected by ultrasound examination during
pregnancy. When detected at the early stage of pregnancy, the couple may decide whether to continue with the pregnancy.

Treatment options vary with each case depending on which portions of the babies' bodies are joined together and whether there are associated deformities. In most cases, surgery is performed.

Myth: Mothers should avoid consuming "cooling food" such as grass jelly, pineapple and green bananas as this may lead to miscarriages

Fact: There is no conclusive evidence to associate specific foods with miscarriages. Miscarriages usually occur during the first 3 months of pregnancy. About half of these cases are due to abnormally formed fetuses. Other causes include infection and medical conditions such as diabetes.

Pregnant women are advised to have a healthy and well-balanced diet, consuming food from the 4 food groups (rice and alternatives, fruits, vegetables, and meat and alternatives). Additional intake of specific nutrients during pregnancy such as folic acid, Vitamin C, calcium and iron are also important to meet the mother's and baby's needs

Myth: Sewing and patching holes during pregnancy may cause the baby to be born with an imperf orated (closed) anus

Fact: Imperf orated anus is a congenital malformation. It is a condition present at birth and is not inherited. It may be associated with other deformity such as urinary or chromosomal anomaly.

This condition occurs in every 1 in 5,000 births. Surgery is done to correct this condition.

Smoking & Pregnancy

2007-02-27T08:17:00.000+08:00

Women and Tobacco

Smoking ages women prematurely. Smoking affects the skin (due to vasoconstriction induced by nicotine), causing reduction in blood circulation and oxygen supply and thus favoring wrinkling and premature aging of the skin. Smoke particles also adhere to the skin, producing a bad odour blocking the pores. Hair becomes fragile because of smoke deposits and reduced irrigation of the scalp. Conjunctivitis is more likely to develop because of smoke-induced eye irritation. Teeth can become discolored due to nicotine and tar deposits. Smoking also increases the risk of gum decay. Bad breath is the most obvious effect. The voice may also be affected.
Women who smoke may have earlier menopause by one or two years compared to non-smokers. They have more facial wrinkles and may have grey hair earlier. Smoking may also increase the risk for osteoporosis, a major cause for fractures in postmenopausal women.

Smoking and contraception

Smoking interferes with the choice of contraceptive methods because of the effects of nicotine on estrogen. Women who take estrogen pills have a higher risk of contracting cardiovascular diseases if they smoke. The combined risk is much higher than the separate risks attached to either the pill or to smoking alone, and the risk increases with age.

Among women using oral contraceptives, the risk of a heart attack, stroke, or blood clot in the legs' veins is much greater for smokers than non-smokers. The risk increase after 40 years of age, especially when the blood pressure or cholesterol levels is above normal.

Smoking and pregnancy

Not only does tobacco seriously damage maternal health, it also affects the health of their babies. Women who smoke have more difficulty becoming pregnant than non-smokers. They are also more prone to spontaneous abortion. Babies born to smoking mothers have lower survival rates, and those who survive are more likely to be sickly. Exposure to smoke also increases the risk of respiratory diseases in babies and small children.

When a pregnant woman smokes, her unborn child smokes with her. She passes carbon monoxide and nicotine to the bloodstream of the fetus, lessening the supply of oxygen and accelerating its heart beat. In addition, her newborn child is likely to be underweight by an average of 300 grams.

Nicotine is transmitted in the milk of a lactating mother to her infant. The risk of developing bronchitis or pneumonia during the first year of life is doubled if the parents smoke. The risk of otitis (inflammation of the ear) is also increased in the children who live with smokers compared to those who do not.

How does smoking affect the baby?

a. Risk of spontaneous miscarriage in early pregnancy is 2 times higher compared to the non-smokers. This may result partly from an increased number of abnormal embryos, with which smoking is associated.
b. Risk of preterm labour and prematurity of baby.
c. Risk of birth defects. Most studies show a relatively higher risk for babies of smoking mothers.
d. Increased risk of abruptio placentae. This is a serious condition where the placenta separates itself prematurely from the uterus before birth, causing abdominal pain and bleeding from the vagina. This condition can lead to danger and even death for both mother and child.
e. Delayed physical and intellectual development in the child.
f. Adverse effects on maternal health e.g. an increased risk of cancer; gut, heart and lung diseases.
g. Possible risk for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS).

How does low birth weight affect the baby?

Infants of smoking mothers weigh on average 300 grams less than those of non-smoking mothers. Low birth weight in babies is not due only to prematurity but also to intrauterine growth retardation (poor growth of the baby in the womb).

A growth-retarded baby is one who is not growing well in the mother's womb because of the lack of nutrients and oxygen. Such a baby faces an increased risk of fetal death in the womb and may require an early or emergency delivery by induction or caesarean section.

The baby also has a higher chance of dying in the early period after birth compared to a normal, healthy baby.

Other problems which a growth-retarded or immature baby may suffer from include low blood sugar, low temperature and aspirating meconium in the womb or when it is born, and respiratory difficulties from immature lungs.

How does smoking affect the baby's growth in the womb?
Smoking reduces the transfer of oxygen and nutrients to the baby while it is in the womb. Low birth weight, one of the effects of smoking, may be due to the following:

a. Nicotine found in tobacco smoke constricts and reduces the placental bed blood vessel flow.
b. Carbon monoxide, also found in tobacco smoke, binds preferentially to fetal haemoglobin excluding oxygen. The higher level of carboxyhaemoglobin (a combination of carbon monoxide and haemoglobin) reduces oxygen supply to fetal tissues.
c. The toxic effect of smoking damages the placenta villi and barrier (the attachment lining between the placenta and the womb), thus reducing the transfer of amino acids and other nutrients to the fetus.

How harmful is secondary or passive smoking?

The effects of passive smoking are difficult to quantify. If a non-smoking woman lives in the atmosphere of her husband's cigarettes smoke, the fetus could receive an indirect effect of the smoke through the mother, although the concentration may be lower than from direct smoking. Thus, it is best for the husband to refrain from smoking in the mother's presence, or to quit the habit. The mother is also advised to keep out of smoke-filled areas.

In the case if a mother who cannot give up smoking totally, how many would be permissible?
There is a graduated fetal response to maternal inhaled smoke. That is, the more cigarettes the mother smokes, the more risks for the fetus. There is no cut off point where smoking can be said to not affect the unborn baby. The best advice is not to smoke at all during pregnancy.

Discomforts In Pregnancy

2007-02-26T20:24:00.000+08:00

For the Mum-To-Be ~ Discomforts In Pregnancy

Some discomfort may be experienced during pregnancy. This is mainly due to the physical and hormonal changes occurring in your body. Here are some tips on how you can relieve discomfort through diet

Morning Sickness

Try eating crackers or dry toast 10 - 15 minutes before getting up from bed. Have a light breakfast. Instead of 3 meals a day, have more frequent and smaller meals to avoid a full stomach, which may cause regurgitation of food. Other tips include :

•	Avoid consuming oily and spicy foods. They may cause irritation for some women.
•	Drink enough fluids in between meals to prevent distension, or a feeling of fullness
•	Consult your doctor if vomiting persists

Heartburn

This is a burning sensation below your diaphragm (the muscle between your lungs and stomach). This condition is due to the regurgitation of gastric fluids into the esophagus (food pipe). To minimize heartburn, you should avoid spicy or fatty foods, fizzy drinks and caffeine. Other tips include :

•	Have more frequent but smaller meals, as a full stomach will aggravate the regurgitation of the gastric fluid
•	Consume enough fluids between meals. Try to stand after a meal. Sitting will push the food upwards and hence cause discomfort.

Constipation

Increasing your fiber intake can help prevent constipation. Prunes and dried fruits are good sources. Take more fluids. Having a hot drink after getting up from the bed helps to stimulate bowel movements. Exercise and increased physical activity help to prevent constipation

Diet And Your Pregnancy

2007-02-24T17:53:00.000+08:00

Good nutrition is important during pregnancy. A nutritious diet will help you meet the rapidly growing needs of your baby, maintain your health and prepare you for lactation. However, you do not have to eat for two. All you need is a well-balanced diet.

A Balanced Diet

Mothers should eat a variety of food from the 4 food groups, namely, rice and alternatives, fruits, vegetables, and meat and alternatives. This is because different food groups contain different types of nutrients. For instance, meat and alternatives are rich in protein but have no Vitamin C. Choosing a variety of foods ensures that you get the right balance of nutrients from the 4 food groups.

The table serves as a guide for pregnant mothers on the types and portions of food to consume.

Rice and Alternatives

Foods in this group provides energy as well as fiber, vitamins and minerals. The amount of energy an individual needs vary with age, weight and activity level. Usually, 6 - 7 servings will be required.

Fruits

The requirement for most minerals and vitamins increases during pregnancy. These are necessary for the normal functioning of the body such as blood formation and the building of body resistance. Fruits are good sources of vitamins and minerals, as well as dietary fiber. 2 servings a day are required.

Vegetables

Like fruits, vegetables are good sources of vitamins, minerals and dietary fiber. 2 servings a day are required, at least 1 of which should be a green leafy vegetable..

Meat and Alternatives

This food group provides protein, necessary for the growth and repair of body tissues such as those that make up the muscles, heart, lungs, eyes and skin. Pregnant women require more protein, which is used for the formation of the fetus' organs. In our affluent society however protein deficiency is rarely a concern.

You should have 2 servings of protein per day.

Additional Nutrients Needs

Iron

Iron is essential during pregnancy to prevent the mother from being anemic (a condition of insufficient red blood cells or hemoglobin in the blood). An anemic mother tends to look pale and feels tired easily.

Additional intake also helps to build up the baby's iron stores, in order to last baby for the 1^st 6 months of life. Iron is found in liver, meat, fish, bean curd, wholegrain cereals, green leafy vegetables and eggs

Folic acid

This is needed for cell growth and cell reproduction. Cells are basic building blocks for tissues. Since folic acid is involved in the formation of blood, a deficiency in folic acid can also cause the mother to be anemic. Folic acid is found in green leafy vegetables, liver, yeast extract, eggs, nuts, wholegrain cereals and oranges.

Vitamin C

We need this vitamin every day because our body cannot store it. Vitamin C increases your body’s ability to absorb iron. It is important to note that Vitamin C and folic acid are easily destroyed by cooking and heat. Vitamin C can be found in fruits especially oranges, guavas, papayas, kiwis, lemons, as well as vegetables.

To prevent destruction of Vitamin C, avoid storing fruits and vegetables for long periods of time. You should also avoid peeling and cutting them as Vitamin C is lost with prolonged exposure to air.

Vegetables should also be cooked in small amounts of water to prevent water-soluble nutrients like Vitamin C to be leached out into the cooking water, and in as short a time as possible

Calcium

During pregnancy, you need more calcium to maintain your own calcium stores as well as for the development of your baby's bones and teeth. Your calcium requirement during pregnancy is 1000 mg a day, which can be met through consuming 2 – 4 servings of milk and alternatives a day.

Weight Gain

Mothers should not gain excessive weight during pregnancy. During pregnancy, an additional 300 calories per day is required.

It is not necessary to calculate your calorie intake per day. Use your weight gain as a guide. Pregnant women should aim for an average of 0.45 kg a week during the 2^nd and 3^rd trimesters for a total weight gain of 11 - 15 kg. However, if you were overweight before your pregnancy, you should only gain 6 - 9 kg.

To control excessive weight gain, you should limit sugary foods such as sweets and sweetened drinks. You should also reduce your fat intake by eating less fried foods, chocolate. Other ways of reducing fat intake include : removing the skin and fat on poultry, and removing fat from meat before eating, opting for soup noodles instead of fried noodles, and boiling, steaming or grilling foods instead of deep frying.

Care During Pregnancy

2007-02-24T06:23:00.000+08:00

There are few experiences in life as powerful as finding out that you're pregnant. It's amazing to think that you have a new life growing inside you. From the moment you begin to feel changes in your body -- or you know for sure that you're pregnant -- you may begin to feel protective and look forward to having the baby. You would also probably begin to think about arranging for your maternity care.

I Need A Special Diet For Two?

It is a common myth that you should eat for two. In fact most women do not need extra calories for the first 6 months of pregnancy and only require approximately 200 extra calories per day during the last 3 months. However, because your blood sugar levels fluctuate more due to the extra demands on your body, it is
important to eat regularly, including snacks between meals. Most women gain between 9 - 13 kg during pregnancy, although this can vary from woman to woman. You should never try to diet during this period as you could be depriving the baby of vital nutrients.

Healthy foods The best thing to do throughout pregnancy is to eat a variety of healthy foods. They should contain certain key components necessary for growth and development. These include foods containing iron (e.g. green leafy vegetables, red meat, beans and pulses although additional iron supplements may also be given to you by your doctor); calcium (e.g. dairy produce, fish with edible bones like sardines and bread) and foliate (e.g. green beans, oranges, spinach, kale or broccoli). Try to eat something from the following food groups daily:

•	Fresh fruit and vegetables: 4 - 6 servings/day
•	Bread, rice, breakfast cereals, potatoes: at least 1 serving at each meal and 4 servings/day
•	Lean meat, poultry, fish, eggs, pulses and nuts: 2 - 3 servings/day
•	Dairy products: 2 - 3 servings/day

Try to avoid the following:

•	Raw eggs which contain salmonella
•	Home-made mayonnaise and ice-cream
•	Blue cheese
•	Liver or pates
•	Raw or undercooked meat and raw shellfish
•	Soft cheese and unpasteurized milk

Protect yourself from a miscarriage

2007-02-23T20:33:00.000+08:00

About 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriages.

Causes Of Miscarriage

1. Something has gone wrong with the development of the fetus. A bad egg or a bad sperm are the probable cause. There is nothing to worry about unless a woman is a habitual aborter (3 consecutive miscarriages).

2. Luteal Phase Defect: following ovulation, the corpus luteum is formed and this “organ” produces progesterone which helps the pregnancy. A defective corpus luteum, hence low production of progesterone, can cause a miscarriage.

3. Endocrine Diseases, eg. diabetes, thyroid disease

4. Uterine fibroids

5. Immune factors – production of antibodies that destroy the fetus as in Rhesus Incompatibility.

6. Severe Illness in pregnancy (uncommon)

7. Accidents

Preventive Efforts

1. Eliminate or control maternal conditions such as Fibroids, Diabetes, Thyriod Disease, Hypertension.

2. Use of long acting progesterone (such as Proluton Depot ) - debatable

3. Adequate rest

4. Change lifestyle habits such as drugs, drinking, smoking

5. Avoid unnecessary intake of drugs especially Chinese Herbs

Pregnancy Preparation

1. All couples should have babies when they are ready for them – physically, emotionally and financially. In this time and age, with the ready availability of contraception, no one should have an unwanted pregnancy.

2. All future mothers and fathers should attend parental guidance course where they will be taught about parenthood, parenting and when they are prepared to function as a family unit.

3. All woman should keep track of her menstrual period. When she misses one cycle, she should have a proper test done either by herself (Pregnancy Test Kits available in all pharmacies) or see her doctor.

Pregnancy Tests:

• Urine
• Blood – measurement of Beta HCG
• Ultrasonography

4. Once pregnancy is confirmed, the expectant mother should contact her obstetrician and go for regular antenatal checkups where pregnancy complications can be prevented or detected and treated. Antenatal classes for expectant mothers and fathers help.

5. Maternal deaths – it is very rare but can happen. Proper antenatal checkups and delivery in a well-equipped hospital and by a competent obstetrician minimized the risk. In the event of a maternal death, proper counseling and emotional support are of paramount importance to the grieving family.

Managing Pregnancy

2007-02-23T01:56:00.000+08:00

When pregnancy is confirmed

You may experience both positive and negative emotions, such as:

Positive Emotions
• pride in your ability to bear a child
• a sense of expectancy and excitement
• joy and happiness about becoming parents

Negative Emotions
• fear of losing your independence
• apprehension about changes in your relationship
• doubts about your ability to be a good parent

Tip: Share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse. Working through your emotions will also bring you closer as a couple.

When pregnancy progresses

You may feel more protective of the developing baby. You will also be more dependent on one another as you anticipate the responsibilities of parenthood.

Tip: Talk to your friends, siblings and relatives who are parents themselves and observe how others have handled the situation

During labor and birth

During the last few weeks of pregnancy, it is natural to feel apprehensive about labor and childbirth, especially if this is your first child. It is common for first-time mothers to fear the labor process and worry that their baby may be abnormal. But once the baby is born, mothers and fathers often feel a sense of relief.

Tip: The birth of a child is a dramatic and emotional event for parents. When fathers (or close companions) are present in the delivery room, women tend to:

• have shorter labors
• experience less pain
• use less medication
• feel more positive about themselves, their families and childbirth process

Genetic Counseling

2007-02-22T16:59:00.000+08:00

What is genetic counseling?

Genetic counseling is the consultation and advice provided by a doctor about the possibility of a child being born with an inherited disease or a birth defect.

Some common genetic diseases are Down Syndrome (mongolism), thalassemia major, hemophilia and muscular dystrophy.

Who needs genetic counseling?

Genetic counseling is recommended if you are planning for a baby and if any of the following applies to you:

You and your spouse have a birth defect or a genetic disease.
You or your spouse has a child, parent or close relative with a birth defect, a genetic disease, or mental retardation.
You or your spouse is a carrier of a genetic disease.
You are a woman above 35 years of age.
You are a woman who has had three or more miscarriages or stillbirths

What happens during genetic counseling?

You will be given an appointment to meet the counselor. The counselor needs detailed information to diagnose the problem and give you the correct advice.

You will be asked about the illness you, your parents, brothers, sisters and their children may have had.
You will be asked about any pregnancies you may have had.
You and your children may be examined for signs of the disease.
Special tests may have to be done to find out what is wrong.
Your spouse may also be called for an examination and special tests.

Once the problem is diagnosed, the counselor will explain:

How the disease affects a person and how it can be treated.
Whether the disease is inherited and how it is passed from the parent to the child.
The chances of the disease affecting the person or his/her children.
The risk to the children in the future if one child is already affected.
The tests that are available to find out if an unborn child is affected.

*** Information taken from `Genetic Counseling,

Plan for a family

2007-02-22T16:34:00.000+08:00

Discuss with your spouse when you would like to have children and how many you should aim for.

When you plan to have a baby, you should seek genetic counseling if:
• You or your partner have a birth defect or genetic disease
• You or your partner have a child, parent or close relative with a birth defect, genetic disease or mental retardation
• You or your partner are a carrier of a genetic disease, e.g. you have the thalassemia trait
• You are a woman above 35 years of age
• You are a woman who has had 3 or more miscarriages or still births

Contraception

Family planning also involves preventing unwanted pregnancies if you and your spouse are not yet ready for a child.

Some Methods Of Contraception:

1. Condoms

A condom is made of a thin sheath of rubber and is worn over the penis during sexual intercourse. When worn before vaginal penetration, the condom prevents sperm from entering the vagina and fertilizing the egg. They should preferably be used together with a spermicide.

2. Spermicides

Spermicides are chemicals that kill sperm. They come in the form of a cream, jelly, vaginal foam or aerosol.

Spermicides need to be placed in the vaginal early enough before intercourse to be effective. They should be used together with a condom or diaphragm to be effective.

3. Oral Contraceptive

These pills are made of synthetic hormones that prevent ovulation. They have to be prescribed by a doctor and are safe and reliable if taken daily. However, some people may suffer from side effects if they take these pills.

4. Intra-Uterine Device (IUD)

This is a small device made of plastic and a copper coil that is inserted into the woman’s uterus by a doctor. It prevents pregnancy by stopping the implantation of the fertilized egg.

5. Rhythm Methods

The basic principle here is to avoid sexual intercourse during the woman’s fertile period. However, it is difficult to pinpoint these safe periods when there is little risk of pregnancy from intercourse. This is because women have different menstrual cycles and not all of them are regular. Therefore, Rhythm Methods like the Calendar method, Temperature method, and Mucous method may not be reliable for birth control due to the irregularities and discipline involved.

6. Sterilization

For the males, vasectomy involves surgically cutting the sperm ducts. For the females, tubal ligation involves tying and cutting or clipping the fallopian tubes to prevent the eggs from passing through.

These methods are permanent and should not be pursued until the couple has seriously considered and decided together that the family is complete.

7. Contraceptive Implants

These are synthetic hormones contained in a set of capsules (e.g. Norplant). They work by preventing ovulation and thickening the cervical mucus, which acts as a barrier to the sperm.

The capsules are inserted by a doctor under the skin of the woman’s arm under local anesthesia. This method is almost 100% effective, long acting and safe.

Sexual Satisfaction In Marriage

2007-02-22T01:40:00.000+08:00

Sexual needs and experiences are unique for every individual. Sexuality also operates within a cultural context. There are social norms and expectations in sexual behavior. Sexual relationships outside marriage are usually met with social and religious disapproval. Premarital sex also generates distrust and disrespect and can cause the couple to focus on sex and lose interest in getting married. But when sexual relationships occur within a marriage, couples achieve greater enjoyment of sex and have greater success and stability in marriage.
It is important to realize that it is possible to have sex without love and it is also possible to be a loving couple without much sexual activity.

Intimacy is not only experienced physically, it comes with how you feel about each other, what you do with each other, and the way you talk to each other.

You should consider that:

1. Sex is something to be learn t

Learn about the physical aspects of sex and how a man and a woman respond to each other sexually. You might want to read up about the subject before the wedding night.

2. A couple may need to adjust to each other sexually

Sex is not just something that a husband and wife have with each other. It is part of a relationship and each may need time to get used to the other.

3. How you feel affects your sexual life

Sex is not just for meeting physical needs. It is an emotional experience as well because the way you feel about each other influences your desires and performance.

4. How you think affects your sexual life

Your attitudes and beliefs about sex can either inhibit or enhance sexual desire.

5. Sex requires preparation

It helps to prepare for sex by the way you think of each other. Ensure that you are reasonably relaxed and treating each other nicely before having sex.

6. Flexibility is important

Be open to different ways of having sex. What is important is that both of you feel comfortable and positive about the experience.

7. Sex includes being other-oriented

Think of ways to pleasure your partner and satisfy his/her needs.

8. Sex is not just intercourse

Sex is a long process of activities that results in mutual pleasuring and culminates in intercourse. Keep in mind that not all foreplay can lead to intercourse. At the same time, physical touching doesn’t need to be confined to foreplay time.

9.Sex can be discussed

Tell your partner what you enjoy most, where stimulation is most pleasurable and how best to do it. If you are not yet ready for lovemaking, you may want to
set a definite time in the future it to happen.

Learning about your new family....

2007-02-21T19:40:00.000+08:00

Discover more about the person you have married and the family you have married into. Discuss the following with your spouse:

- What is the relationship between your spouse’s parents and yourself?
- What is your position in the sibling hierarchy?
- What are some of your privileges and responsibilities in your family?
- What are the similarities and differences between your family and your spouse’s?
- What qualities of your parents’ family do you want to bring into your new family?

Your immediate family comes first

By placing your spouse and your marriage above your parent’s family in terms of priority, you are choosing the adult role of being a husband and wife over your role as a child in your parent’s family. This builds your spouse’s confidence in the marriage and encourages him/her to help you in your efforts to maintain good family ties.

Let your parents know that you care, love and respect them. But at the same time, let them know you want to set the rules for your new family as well.

Strengthening Family Relationships.....

2007-02-20T08:03:00.000+08:00

“A family that prays together stays together, and a family that talks together builds a closer relationship together.”

4 major ways of strengthening family relationships:

1. IMPROVE FAMILY COMMUNICATION

a) Create the opportunity

Plan times to talk casually with your children and have them respond. Ask questions about them and their schoolwork, for example, and give them opportunities to contribute. Note opportunities where you can involve them in discussion. It could be during meal-times, when you are out on a family walk together, or when you tuck them into bed after reading a story. Even television hours could be wisely turned into a family talking hour about the program the family is watching.

b) Create the right atmosphere

Parents need to create a conducive atmosphere for children to want to talk to them. The following suggestions could be helpful:

•be interested in what your child says
•listen to the message and do not interrupt
•establish eye contact
•focus on the positives rather than the negatives
•correct them lovingly
•talk calmly instead of impatiently

2. SPEND TIME TOGETHER IN FAMILY ACTIVITIES

It is extremely important that children be given a sense of unity and belonging as members of the family. Example: participating in the planning and organizing of family activities such as cleaning the house, putting together a jigsaw puzzle, going on a family outing at the Park.

Such family activities are anchor points of growing up. Children develop warm feelings about these special times during their early years. They draw them close to their parents, their home and their siblings.

3. DEAL WITH CRISES POSITIVELY

Even the happiest families have problems. But if family members learn how to cope with conflicts, they can live with each other more effectively. When a crisis come, parents together with their children should try to work out a solution as a team. If there were angry feelings, family members can learn to settle their differences by suggesting a better way of coping with such frustrations.

If the children are older, they can help share the burden by proposing alternative solutions to the problems. Family members who pull through crises together become stronger in their commitment to each other.

4. SHOW APPRECIATION FOR EACH OTHER

When family members take time to write little notes of appreciation or thanks to each other, family ties are strengthened. Parents can show appreciation through an occasional kind word such. Example: “Johnny, thanks for keeping your room clean today. You really helped lighten mommy’s work.”

A husband who goes on an overseas trip and sends back cards to tell his wife he is thinking of her, is strengthening that feeling of appreciation and love in him and in her.

Children who grow up in homes where they are respected, appreciated and listened to communicate better with their families. They are generally happier and more self-confident.

Family Relationships...

2007-02-17T09:58:00.000+08:00

We all have certain ideas of what roles and responsibilities a husband and wife should take in a marriage. These ideas are influenced by:
- Our parents
- Our culture
- Our race
- Our society

Traditionally, there are some basic roles that married men and women are expected to fulfill. But with the rapid changes that we are experiencing in the modern world, you and your spouse should clarify what you expect from each other and develop your own style of working together.

Role expectations

Q. What are some of your role expectations?copy this chart, compare and discuss your ideas with your partner

	Agree	Unsure	Disagree
The husband should be the primary provider
The husband is to provide leadership and make major decisions
The wife should supervise the children’s schoolwork
The wife should be the primary childcare giver
The wife’s career and career satisfaction is as important as the husband’s
The wife should stay at home after giving birth
The husband needs to help with the heavy duty as well as electrical work around the house
The husband should guide the family’s faith and values
The wife should arrange for all contacts with her in-laws and parents
Even if she is working, the husband should still give an allowance to his wife
The wife should be in charge of organizing religious functions, socials and parties
The husband should help with the household chores
If a maid is employed, the wife should be the one to supervise her
The wife should always respond to the husband’s request for sex
The husband and wife should consult one another before making important decisions and plans

Roles of a husband/ Roles of a wife:

In the past, family roles were devised to meet the conditions of hunting and agricultural societies. Men and women had specific tasks then, resulting in a clear separation between men’s work and women’s work. In general, the men did physical labor while the women tended to housekeeping chores.

Today, it is common to find both husband and wife working outside the home. They jointly contribute to the family income and are more likely to live in nuclear families.

Role sharing

This helps to strengthen the marital bond between you and your spouse. It is a concrete way of showing consideration, care and concern for each other.

What are the roles to be shared?

1. Income-earner role

Dual income households are common nowadays as the wife often has to earn a second income for the family to cope with the rising costs of living. Work is also a means for the women to reach her aspirations.

2. Childcare role

Men are just as capable as women when it comes to caring for children. Fathers who participate in the child’s upbringing develop a close and warm bond with the child. This participation also increases the father’s sense of usefulness and makes him feel good about himself. Most importantly, the child benefits most when both parents play active caring roles.

3. Domestic role

Having a home involves doing many household chores that are necessary to keep the home tidy. Just as their wives contribute to the income-earner role, husbands should be willing to contribute to the domestic role as well.

Some guidelines for shared responsibility:

- Priorities your duties and responsibilities based on your needs and capabilities. This helps you identify the really important matters in the family that require attention from you and your spouse.

- Determine who is available for the job. In many instances, getting the job done is more important than who does it.

- Where skills are important, the person with the best skills should perform the task.

- Practice a sense of fairness in job allocation and adopt a “give and take” attitude with your spouse when sharing responsibilities. Avoid overloading assignments, especially unpopular tasks, onto one person.

- Adopt a positive attitude towards conflicts between work and family life. Channel negative thinking and feelings into constructive problem-solving activities instead of blaming your partner or the work place.

- Encourage each other to practice time management so as to get through the day more efficiently.

- Improving each other’s awareness, interpersonal communication skills, problem-solving skills and other social skills can help to increase the effectiveness of shared responsibility.