Anger In Marriage

Is it wrong to feel angry?

A good question. Certainly anger is not a comfortable feeling to have. It may be a slow smouldering feeling burning us up inside, or perhaps a fierce boiling feeling ready to overflow into words and actions at any moment.

Actually the feeling of anger is very simply the reaction inside us to something someone has done or said or an event that has occurred.

When do you feel angry?

I feel angry when someone has let me down, lied to me or ignored me. Beneath that is a need in me to be valued which has not been met.

Sometimes I feel angry over an injustice and that spurs me on to do something about it, if I can.

There is nothing morally wrong about feeling anger at something, but most of us would agree that it would be wrong of me to hit my husband, because I was angry with him. What we do with our anger is so important.

Destructive anger

Feelings of anger may not last, but we can develop an attitude of anger, which is not actually an emotional thing. It's when we hold on to our anger, offence and resentment, nursing it and feeding it, so it grows. Bitterness can follow on and hardness of heart, an unwillingness to forgive and a desire to hurt someone and make them pay. That sort of anger can be very destructive - it tends to distort our view of reality, making it even harder for us to forgive and heal a relationship.

We can become more and more focused on the injury, the injustice or hurt. It draws all our focus onto our hurt, onto the issue. We no longer see the other person's point of view. We withdraw into ourselves, trying to punish them, even by our coldness. It kills relationships.

Handling Anger

What do we do if we discover anger has taken a hold of us? Admitting that the anger is there is a good start.

We all have different ways of handling anger that we've learnt as we grew up. Some of us can't handle it, we let it pour out of us like molten metal, burning everything in range.

We may hold it in, smolder and become more and more resentful, or we may boil over quickly and it's all gone.

The trouble is if we boil over, the damage may be done before we've calmed down. Words can be said that cannot be easily forgotten.

Anger often makes us lose sight of others� needs totally and focus only on our own hurt. It's amazing what a keen sense of justice and injustice we have when we're the injured party.

Perhaps something between the two is better. If we can hold on to our angry words long enough to think rationally about things, then we may manage to make some decisions about what to do with our anger. Anger can be expressed calmly. It can be expressed in a way that doesn't seek to destroy another person. It can be used to push us into sorting a problem out with someone else rather than just brushing it under the carpet.

The hurt behind the anger may be very real. We may need to talk about it, either with our partner or with someone we can trust. If you talk with your partner, try and remember they may not have intended hurting you and may regret it.

Forgiveness is an important step - making a decision not to demand revenge. It's hard to do this if we have a sense that someone is "getting away with something". We may need to remember some of our own past mistakes and what it meant to us to be forgiven. It takes a lot of courage to face up to mistakes and to own up to them. One never knows what reception one may get. Treat others as you wish to be treated yourself.

We may need to say sorry to our loved one for holding onto the anger and being unforgiving. It may also help to recognise how we were hurt. Perhaps we were expecting too much of our partner; perhaps we were too easily offended or too sensitive.

Some good advice I've heard at a wedding was never to let the sun go down on a quarrel or anger. It is always possible to start the healing process by saying sorry for hurtful words. A good nights sleep and time to reflect may bring some wisdom on how to sort things out further. Using conflict constructively to sort out problems and resolve issues can really strengthen a relationship.

At the end of the day what is more important - your relationship or giving vent to your anger and sense of being wronged?

Sexual Expectations: Realistic or Not

Whether you are involved with someone new or married for a years to the same person, you and your partner each bring to the union a set of sexual expectations.

"To expect," as defined by Webster’s, means "to consider reasonable, due or necessary." Expectations are our beliefs about how things ought to be. Certain sexual expectations are near-universal: To use a very basic example, most of us expect to have sexual relations with the person we marry.

But a couple’s expectations may clash when it comes to the particulars of their sexual relationship. For instance, her idea of "regular sex" may be twice a week while he considers twice a month sufficient. Or he may think that his partner should consistently reach orgasm during lovemaking while she doesn’t care whether she climaxes every time. Because of her partner’s expectations, though, she may feel guilty when she doesn’t.

When we enter into an intimate relationship, we often bring expectations based on our past sexual experiences; this can lead to problems if people have too firmed a grip on their expectations." For example, he said, "I’ve seen many men who expect their mate to reach orgasm from intercourse because they claim that previous partners have all had orgasms that way." If the man’s current partner is unable to achieve coital orgasms, "he assumes that there’s something wrong."

Judging your partner’s sexual traits against those of other people is not only unfair, it’s also unrealistic. Every person’s sexuality is unique, and it just doesn’t make sense to expect your mate to be like anyone else. People also should realize that when making such comparisons, they often idealize and exaggerate the sexual attributes of their past lovers.

It also is not uncommon for people to measure their mate against some imagined ideal of what a man or woman "should" be like: e.g., "men are always ready to have sex" or "women who like sex have multiple orgasms." But such expectations set the stage for frustration and relationship conflict. The person whose expectations are dashed feels disappointed, even angry, at his or her partner’s lack of so-called "normal" sexual response. And when these feelings are communicated, verbally or otherwise, the partner is likely to end up feeling inadequate as well as resentful.

Although change is certainly possible in any relationship, a person’s basic personality (including their sexual self) tends not to change dramatically in the course of a lifetime. "If your partner’s sexual appetite has always been much less than yours, there are ways for the two of you to work with that and get more out of the relationship, But it’s probably not realistic to expect that one day your partner will somehow be transformed into someone with a very high libido.

When Sexual Expectations Fall Short not all sexual expectations, however, are unrealistic. Sometimes expectations for a better sex life can be a positive motivating force, if both partners are willing to make sex a priority, then there’s a pretty good shot at making that happen.

Sex lives suffer not because their expectations are too high but because they are too low, we tend not to give sex sufficient attention and importance, it is very common for people to put sex on the back burner, to regard it as cursory rather than one of life’s great pleasures."

Determining What Realistic Is

No matter what your situation, you can choose to make it better, but if your expectations are narrowly defined, you’re less inclined to make positive changes. When people feel that they don’t have choices, that’s when their expectations are too narrow. They don’t get as much out of life as they could.

But then, unhappiness also can result from expecting too much, harboring expectations that are unlikely to be fulfilled. So, how does one identify which sexual expectations are realistic and which aren’t?

There are no hard-and-fast rules. But a good place to start is to learn more about male and female sexual physiology because many people’s expectations are based on misconceptions about these physical realities. Especially prevalent in this culture are misconceptions about women’s orgasm. For example, many believe it’s the norm for women to climax through intercourse. But that view is contradicted, most women cannot reach orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation, which intercourse doesn’t usually provide.

Becoming aware of this simple fact can make a world of difference for couples whose intimate lives have suffered because of a misguided belief.

If you think that your sex life could be better, you and your partner need to talk "about what’s fixable and what isn’t. But if certain changes are inevitable, the best we can do is adjust our expectations and work with what we have. When sexual expectations are in keeping with reality, they are much more likely to be fulfilled — and that means greater sexual happiness…

Secrets of Successful Married Life

Successful marriage depends on trust, respect and love for each other. These are three pillars of any successful married life. Apart from these if you couples or singles know the tips to success given below, i am sure, you will not face any problem in your married life.

Preparations

Be with each other.
Provide a refuge and sanctuary for each other from the chill winds of the world. Your marriage is a hearth, from whence comes the peace, harmony, and warmth of soul and spirit. Its like bicycle, where it is necessary for both wheels to work.

Love to be loved.
Warm your loved one's body with your healing touch. Remember that as babies can die with lack of touching, so can marriages wither from lack of closeness. Touch is the best feeling which you can give to anybody, even plants grow faster if you touch them daily and here its you n your beloved.

Be more like a friend.
Friendship can be a peaceful island, separate and apart, in a world of turmoil and strife. Reflect upon the tranquility of the many future years you can share with a true friend, and beware of becoming battling enemies under the same roof. Don't forget," Friendship is a plant whose roots are embedded in hearts and flower blossom in heaven".

Openness is key to success.
Bind not yourselves in the secretness that causes suspicion and doubt. Trust and reveal yourselves to each other, even as the budding rose opens to reveal its fragrance and beauty. This is the most important point in married life, openness, be frank and say what ever you want, don't look like under the carpet deal, as this will built suspicion and tension

Listen to know each other.
And hear not only words, but also the non-language of tone, mood, and expression. Learn to listen to understand rather than listening to argue. Listening each other will help you to know each other better and give little space for arguments and tensions.

Respect each other feelings.
Remember that each is a person of flesh and blood, entitled to his or her own choices and mistakes. Each owns himself, and has the right to equality. Remember criticism divides, while compliments encourage confidence in the other. Try to ignore each other mistakes, this will help you both. Respect each other feelings and choices, don't blatantly speak out about the choices.

Allow the individuality.
Seek not to create for each other a new mold that can only fit with much discomfort and pain. Accept the other as they are, as you would have yourself accepted. Be what you are and never try to restrain your ideologies and words on each other. Let both of you maintain a individuality with space to fit each other rather causing discomfort and pain.

Enjoy your togetherness.
Let no one come between your togetherness, not child, not friend, nor worldly goods. Yet maintain enough separateness to allow each other his or her own uniqueness.

Don't boost.
Never boost about your individuality and independence. Boosting in public or parties can cause/develop tension in your life as no person would like to hear boosting unnecessary.

Respect your husband.
The most Important, never give an impression that just because you are not dependent on your husband you can do anything and that your husband has no right to tell you anything. Don't fight over small matters and learn to avoid unnecessary tensions.

10 Commandments for a Successful Married Life

Immature love says: "I love you because I need you."
Mature love says: "I need you because I love you."

1. Love Comes First: Physical love is good, but there has to be genuine spiritual love also in your heart. Your immediate neighbor is your own spouse. So let charity begin at home and set an example by loving your spouse first and foremost. Follow the scripture: "Love thy neighbor as thyself".

2. Narrow the Gulf: Whether it is a love marriage, arranged marriage or forced marriage, differences are bound to arise. Both of you come from different backgrounds, upbringings and environments. You must be ready to overlook the sharp differences, lapses or shortcomings.

3. Forgive & Forget: Remember, to forgive is divine, and keep doing it, even if you have to repeat this process for infinite times.

4. Begin the Day Cool: Early in the morning, both spouses should try to remain calm and cool. No discussions or arguments in the early morning hours.

5. Silence Can Save: When you leave home for work in the morning, be at your best behavior. If one of you is provoked or complains, silence is the best answer. Conversely, you can say, "We will discuss it in the evening".

6. Inquire & Appreciate: After you return home, enquire and take interest in one another's activity during the day: "How was your day?" You must show your genuine appreciation and sympathy. Top it with a pleasant smile.

7. Listen & Sympathize: Do listen to your spouse attentively and sympathetically. Never ignore. Even at your place of work, if you get a telephone call from your partner, be polite and courteous, in spite of your busy schedule.

8. Don't Forget to Compliment: Make use of "Thank you", "Well done", "You have done a good job", and "I am sorry", as frequently as is necessary. Be generous in your praise and compliments.

9. Don't Compare: Do not enter into comparisons. No one is 100% perfect or 100% imperfect. We all have flaws and shortcomings. Always look at the good qualities of your spouse.

10. Keep Smiling: Be cheerful and smile away your problems. Give a smile as often as you can. Only a human person is endowed with this blessing. Animals do not have this rare faculty. Did you know you use only 20 muscles for a smile but 70 muscles for a frown? So, keep smiling!

Married…with Passion (Why a good sex life is worth forethought as well as foreplay)

Think about it: 90 percent of life is filled with mundane tasks, such as changing dirty diapers, cleaning up countless spills, paying the bills, going to the grocery store, working. And many men and women have financial obligations that require them to work in deadly dull jobs.

Into this world of obligation and responsibility, God has dropped something absolutely fabulous into our laps. At the end of the day (and sometimes at the beginning!), when our work is done and the kids are in bed, we can touch, kiss, and pleasure each other in such a way that the world feels light-years away.

A fulfilling sex life colors the marriage from top to bottom and is a powerful marital glue—even stronger than children, common values, faith, or dreams.

The kind of sex I'm talking about takes work and forethought—but the dividends are worth the effort.

Women: Why you want to make hubby happy

1. A sexually fulfilled husband will do anything for you.

Sex is such a basic need for men that when this area is well taken care of, they feel immense appreciation and act accordingly. A sexually fulfilled man drives to work thinking, I'm so glad I married that woman. I must be the happiest man alive! And then heads home thinking, What special thing can I do for my wife this evening? If you want this kind of loyalty and appreciation, meet your husband's sexual needs; no other need generates such deep thankfulness.

Some wives may be thinking, I tried that, and it didn't work. You can't just "try" this; it has to become a way of life. One good time of sex will make a man thankful—for a while. But if he's turned down the next five times, he'll think about the five rejections, not that one special night.

For the majority of men, this sexual need is the primary request they seek from their wives. You can be the best cook, and a fantastic conversationalist, but if you put no effort into your lovemaking, your husband will feel disappointed. Conversely, if you give your husband a thrilling sex life, you might be surprised at how little he cares about other things that go wanting.

2. A sexually fulfilled husband is a scriptural mandate.

In 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 the apostle Paul writes: "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

While I don't pretend to be a Bible scholar, I can give you the Leman translation: Paul is telling us he wants us to do it. And if we want to stop for prayer, that's okay. And then what I love about this great saint of the church is that he wants us to do it again!

Now, if talking to your husband, I'd remind him that one of the all-time great biblical lines is, "Love does not demand its own way" (1 Corinthians 13:5, NLT). When a guy tries to use 1 Corinthians 7 to get his wife to do something kinky or distasteful to her, that's not what Paul is talking about.

Marriage is an exercise in mutual submission. Admittedly, there are times you're too pooped to whoop; but if you're the only one too pooped, you may be willing to whoop anyway because you know that will please your spouse.

Here's a common scenario: a husband wakes up early with incontrovertible physical evidence that Mr. Happy is ready to go "dancing." He looks over and there's his wife, sleeping. With a glance at the clock, he notices that it's 6:15 and they don't have to get up until 7:00.

Forty-five minutes! he thinks. Man, what I could do in 45 minutes!

He then starts to communicate in a way only a man would think effective—he reaches his toe over to his wife's side of the bed and pokes her. When that doesn't work, he might become more direct and grab a breast, fully expecting, even after 15 years of marriage, that this grab will turn her into a raging sex kitten: "Why honey, I was waiting all night for you to wake me up by grabbing my breast!" Or—my favorite—he'll look at a woman who's snoring like a donkey and ask loudly, "Honey, are you asleep?"

If the marriage is a selfish one, the man will hear all sorts of defenses: "We'll wake the children." "I'm tired."

If the marriage is a selfless but nonfulfilling one, the wife may acquiesce with all the enthusiasm of someone reading the phone book.

If the marriage is a satisfied one, both parties will see the other's side. The man may realize his wife needs her sleep and, because of his love for her, lets her get that sleep. Or the wife may sacrificially decide that giving her body with joy to her husband is more important than those few minutes of slumber.

Some of these interludes, although they may start off rocky, can end up being great. But in so many marriages, when a spouse gets turned down, the seeds of bitterness are planted to the point where, later that day, the wife asks the husband to go to the grocery store and he says, "No, I can't."

"Why not? You're just watching the game."

"I'm busy."

"You don't look busy."

"I don't care what I look like, I'm busy."

What's going on here?

It's a delayed reaction. Admittedly, while it's a cheap shot, it happens all the time. The husband thinks, If she turns me down, I'll turn her down.

3. A sexually fulfilled husband will feel good about himself.

So much of who we are as men is tied into how our wives respond to us sexually. While this may surprise some of you wives, as a psychologist I believe that every healthy man wants to be his wife's hero. While he's delighted that you're experiencing an ecstatic orgasm, he's also watching you thinking, I did that to her, thank you very much.

He may not be the top dog at work, he may not have the fastest car, his hair may be falling out while his gut is getting bigger, but if his honey loves him enough to occasionally lose control in the heat of passion, he'll still feel like the king of the world. Why? Because he can please his woman.

Men: Make your wife happy

1. Sex is better when it's offered.

The best sexual satisfaction comes from satisfying someone else, not in being satisfied.

Learn to find your satisfaction in your wife's orgasm, and you'll change your love life. Instead of making sex something you demand, make it something you offer. You've got to make it enticing to your wife. Find out what gets her purring, and pursue that.

2. Who's winning in the marriage?

Control wreaks havoc in a marriage, and control is where most men fail. Because a man is often expected to be the physical aggressor, it's easy for him to develop a controlling position in marriage by "proving" his masculinity every time he has sex.

You know what? Sometimes a woman enjoys being "vanquished" in the midst of a healthy, loving, and committed marriage. But I've never met a woman who wants sex to be like that all the time, or even most of the time.

If sex becomes a problem issue in a marriage, it's often a power struggle over "who's the boss." And men are adept at the subtle ways they wield power. In fact, a woman can be "controlled" by a man who never approaches her for sex. He may always insist that his wife initiate sex, so he never risks being turned down. There's a psychological MO at play: for him to have emotionally satisfying sex, it has to be on his terms.

A much healthier model is one of mutual submissiveness. Mutual submissiveness insists you die to your self. Marriage is about learning to put someone else's needs above your own, and this goes far beyond the bedroom. It's about graciously doing the mundane, everyday things as part of being a couple, developing a friendship, and caring for each other.

If you "win" in your marriage, you'll lose at life. Give up control. Use your power to serve, protect, and pleasure.

3. Sexually pursue your wife outside the bedroom.

Good sex is an all-day affair. You can't treat your wife like a servant and expect her to be eager to sleep with you at night. Your wife's sexual responsiveness will be determined by how willingly you help out with the dishes, the kids' homework, or that leaky faucet that drips.

This is difficult for many men to understand, in large part because we remove sex from every other part of our life. We think sex fixes things on its own—but it doesn't do that for a woman. The context, the history, the current level of emotional closeness—all that directly affects your wife's desire and enjoyment of sexual relations. A good lover works just as hard outside the bedroom as he does inside it.

Marriage and marital sexuality require a lot of trust. That's why the marriage bed is usually an accurate picture of what else is going on in the marriage. The degree to which a couple is vulnerable to each other eventually plays out in the bedroom. If trust isn't built, the marital bed will grow cold. Conversely, when trust is lovingly handled, marital passion heats up. Success in the bedroom then spills into other areas of the relationship; the wife and husband are kinder to each other and treat each other with greater respect.

When you improve your marriage, you'll usually improve your sex life. When you improve your sex life, you'll improve the rest of your marriage. The two are intricately entwined, so making more effort in any one area is a good investment.

Wives, do you want your husband to be a better father? Do you want him to spend more time at home? To listen to you more carefully? Work at helping him become sexually fulfilled.

Husbands, do you want a wife who has less stress, who's more appreciative and respectful of you? Learn what pleases her sexually.

Every couple can benefit from improving their sex lives. It's pleasant work, and in my experience there are few things that produce such amazing fringe benefits.

The 5 Sides of Intimacy

All-encompassing

There's something about our psychological, spiritual, and physical makeup that cries out for intimacy with another. That's because God designed marriage to be the most intimate of all human relationships, in which we share life intellectually, socially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

Are you and your spouse intimate in these ways?

Intellectual intimacy. This isn't about discussing highly intellectual ideas. The important thing is discussing your thoughts. They may be thoughts about food, finances, health, crime, work, politics. They reveal something of what's gone on in your mind throughout the day.

Social intimacy. This has to do with spending time around the events of life. Some of these events we experience together; others happen while we're apart and are shared through open communication. Much of life involves doing. When we do things together, we not only develop a sense of teamwork, we also enhance our sense of intimacy.

Emotional intimacy. Feelings are our spontaneous, emotional responses to what we encounter through the five senses. I see the fire truck racing down the road and I feel troubled. You touch my hand and I feel loved. When we share emotions, we build emotional intimacy.

Spiritual intimacy. Often the least excavated of all the foundations of marital intimacy, yet this has a significant impact on the others. It doesn't require agreement of belief on every detail. Instead, we seek to tell each other what's going on in our inner self. It's discussing our thoughts about spiritual realities. The purpose isn't agreement, but understanding.

Physical intimacy. Because men and women are different (long live their differences!), we often come at sexual intimacy in different ways. The husband's emphasis is often on the physical aspects—the seeing, touching, and climax are the focus of his attention. The wife, though, comes to sexual intimacy with more interest in the relationship. To feel loved, appreciated, and treated tenderly brings her great joy. Sexual intimacy requires understanding and responding to these differences.

Practicing intimacy

An essential ingredient of intimacy is allowing your spouse to be himself without striving to conform him to your ideals.

In intimacy, we try to grow closer together, not to eliminate the "otherness," but to enjoy it. Men and women are different and we must not, even with good intentions, seek to destroy those differences.

What keeps us from experiencing intimacy? All of us are egocentric; the world revolves around us. Yet, when we focus on self, we lose intimacy.

The opposite of self-centeredness, then, is love. Love concentrates on the well-being of the spouse. We take time to listen to the thoughts, feelings, and desires of our spouse. We seek to understand and to respond with empathy. We choose to do things with each other, even things that may not be our favorite activities, simply because we want to be with each other.

In the context of such intimacy we become supportive and caring of each other, which builds a stronger, more contented marriage.

Top 7 Ways an Unhappy Marriage Can Ruin Your Health

Just as a happy marriage can keep you healthy, an unhappy, stressful relationship can shorten your life. Here are some of the ways that discord in a marriage can make you ill.

1) Changes in Systems

Unhappy married, especially women, experience changes in their endocrine and immune systems.

2) Hormones

You may have elevated levels of epinephrine and cortisol hormones.

3) Blood Pressure

Stressed individuals often show increases in blood pressure readings.

4) Pain

In unhappy relationships could have a greater experience of pain.

5) Gum Disease

People are prone to more gum disease and cavities when facing marital problems.

6) Ulcers

You may suffer from ulcers in the stomach and intestine.

7) Influenza and Common Cold

Lack of harmony in marriage can cause couples to have a higher incidence of influenza and the common cold.