Wednesday, January 19, 2011
So will it be at all right to say that most marriages today fail? Or is it the people in a marriage who fail each other? In depth studies of human relationships and psychology has pointed out 7 main reasons behind a broken marriage. They are:
* Lack of communication- It is said that people in love; tend to understand each other’s unspoken words also. If that is considered to be true, then why does lack of communication play guilty in breaking up a marriage? Two people living under the same roof can’t survive without sharing and caring for each other. If either of them turns a deaf ear to the other’s problems and necessities, then that person is left with no other choice to think differently. People living in society, can’t survive alone and if you are unable to communicate with your own life partner who has vowed to share his/her life with you, then no one can save a marriage from falling to pieces.
* Suspicion, jealousy, possessiveness, professional rivalry- This is a very common issue that plays a crucial role in breaking up marriages. Suspicion is a figment of your mind, a disease which has no cure. Once it gets into a relationship, it starts degrading it slowly. It’s an unconscious behavior on the part of an individual which often results out of lack of confidence and insecurity. The only solution lies in them being supportive and open minded.
* Ignorance- One main reason why a marriage breaks up is ignorance. Many people are ignorant of the seriousness of this commitment and prefer to visualize it through rose tinted glasses. Such thoughts are of the immature mind, but marriages made under such misconceptions, rarely survive the hardships of life.
* Uneven social status- It might happen that circumstances lead to a marriage taking place between two families with different status levels. In such cases, adjustment often makes the marriage work out. But where one or both fails to adjust or accept the social change, the relationship tends to fall apart.
* Mental incompatibility- Human psyche is something that needs years of study. For a marriage to be successful, mental compatibility is a necessary. Like minded people tend to click each other better. However, understanding each other plays a crucial role yet again in this.
* Absence of time and bonding- Life becomes beautiful and worth living with its small moments. The moments of togetherness are what two people can share and cherish for a lifetime. But these small moments get lost in the crowd of mundane necessities. The urge to live a better life, the rat race to success leaves very little time for couples to spend time with each other and to bond. Gradually, they become strangers living under the same roof and somewhere the knot loosens.
* Family issues- Adaptability to circumstances and a little bit of compromise are the key ingredients behind a successful marriage. Whether it is a nuclear or a joint family, the bonding is necessary. But in some families, excessive interference of other family members in the matters of a couple leads to tension.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Formal or Informal Marriage Separation
A couple can seek legal separation (separate maintenance) by a court or informal separation, which eliminates costly expenses, including attorney and court costs. During time of separation, a couple can either reconcile any differences or may proceed onto the next step seeking a legal divorce. Most states require a couple legally separated by residing in different location at all times, which does not include separate bedrooms in the same house. A couple living apart does not constitute a legal separation. Some countries or states require a prerequisite of a legal separation for period of time, before filing for a legal divorce. Some couples can resolve their difference mutually during a separation by written agreement, which is drafted by a lawyer. However, desertion is different from a separation, which is recognized by courts, when one of the parties leaves without the intention of returning. Contrary, "Constructive desertion" occurs when one of the parties, forces the other person to leave. In such a situation, a court does not penalize a defendant for leaving, for their own protection or that of a child.
A couple may seek a trial separation, which is easily reversible then a legal separation, and hopefully through counseling will resolve problems. Resolving problems during an informal separation, does not involve the costly expense for hiring attorneys. Hopefully mutual equitable solutions can be ascertained, regarding working arrangements, possession of car, bank accounts, credit cards, child custody or any other personal items or matters. However, property division would require legal advise from an attorney. During this time, a couple can live together, but not necessarily sleep in the same room or bed. A formal separation despite being a costly expense, incurring time and pain, maybe be necessary, when a couple cannot resolve their differences. The process and procedures for obtaining a legal separation is the same for "Dissolution of Marriage," except the couple is still married. A court will govern what will happen during a legal separation, regarding issues of property division, child custody, alimony or spousal support, (If their incomes are substantially different). Typically, a court will have the power to resolve as part of a legal separation, any and all issues, that would be normally be resolved in a divorce. A marital settlement agreement is signed by both parties, and becomes a valid legal contract that is enforceable, if any terms are violated. A marital settlement is recognized in all states. A martial settlement agreement is not a divorce and cannot legally end a marriage. The terms of a separation agreement may be changed through a separate written agreement. Any part of a settlement agreement, regarding parenting and support of children, must be reviewed by a court, which ensures rights of the children adhere to their best interests.
A couple that is legally separated, may either live together or live in separate residences, for any number of reasons, including can't tolerate living together, continue receiving medical insurance by the other's spouse's company, and some religious beliefs prohibit divorce, but allow a legal separation, couple can live apart. Sometimes spouses may wish to remain legally separated, long enough to qualify in order to receive Social Security or military pension benefits, prior to a divorce. Any time during the process for obtaining a legal separation, either party may request the court to convert the proceedings, into dissolution of marriage or divorce. Most jurisdictions require a waiting or "cooling off" period, before a court will issue a divorce judgment. Beware, after a person obtains a final Decree of Legal Separation, they must go back to the court and file Petition For Dissolution of Marriage, if the legal separation wants to be changed to a final divorce.
When a couple seeks a separation, the person moving out, should consider the following: If the couple is living in a rental community, the person moving out, should remove their name off the lease and utility bills ( gas, electricity, phone, cable,
trash, paper, etc.), because you maybe held liable for any unpaid past due payments. Forward your mail to a post office box, close friend, relative or new permanent home address. Make copies of all tax records for the past six years. Beware any past taxes due are still your responsibility. Make a note of all address, phone numbers, account information, pension accounts, bank and credit accounts, insurance policies, and any other financial paperwork, that maybe divided during the separation or legal divorce. Place a freeze on all joint credit accounts, which prevents you from incurring debts, if your spouse fails to make any future payments. List all items in a safety deposit (preferable take pictures), which maybe divided later and take any personal items. Pack up all personal belongs, including: Clothing, medicine, family heirlooms, mementos, and any items you personal purchased yourself or received as a personal gift.
Certain states have their own laws regarding legal separation or do not recognize that status. According to Colorado law, parties who have been granted a decree of legal separation do not lose their inheritance rights. The state of Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Mississippi, Pennsylvania, and Texas do not accept or can't file for a legal separation. However, in the state of Florida, child support and alimony must be paid during a separation. In the state of New York, one year after filing of the Court's judgment of separation, either spouse may sue for "no-fault" divorce, based upon one year of living apart.
Couples should review their insurance coverage, regarding when coverage may be terminated, in the event of a legal separation.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Perhaps the most difficult part of a divorce is the initial separation. This is because there is usually great emotional pain associated with the breakdown of a marriage. Marital Separation is a TWO STEP PROCESS: -
1. The decision to separate; and
2. The actual physical separation itself.
Neither step is easy, especially if the desire to separate is not a mutual one.
Even if both parties know that the marriage has been rocky for some time, one party announcing to the other that he or she wants a divorce, can still be quite devastating. It means that in spite of the promises made to each other when they first got married, this person is effectively saying that they don't love or want the other person anymore.
Rejection is seldom pleasant, depending on how you react to it. It certainly disturbs a person's emotional well being and can be extremely damaging and debilitating if you let it.
Where the decision to separate is yours, you are likely to be more prepared psychologically for the news than your partner. These days, lots of women are "choosing" to separate and divorce rather than tolerate a rocky marriage. They are no longer happy in the relationship and are not willing to settle for less. These women often have the advantage, over other women, of being financially independent of the other spouse.
Even where the decision to separate does come from you, it will probably be as a result of a lot of soul-searching, heartache and agony. Such important decisions are seldom made lightly and often come at critical times in a marriage.
Some couples simply grow apart. Others were not well suited to begin with. It may be that the relationship has merely reached its "use-by date". We should not beat ourselves over the head or necessarily feel guilty. It is a pretty big order to expect two young people, in love, to make a decision to separate.
We should not beat ourselves over the head or necessarily feel guilty. It is a pretty big order to make a pledge to one another for life when they so often lack, because of their young years, the life experience to be fully informed of what is involved to really make a marriage work, for life. It should also be remembered that there are only two people in the world who truly understand the sexes unfortunately, nobody knows who they are!!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
The true test of a marriage's strength comes through crisis: death, illness, unemployment or other personal disasters. During these difficult times a couple either learns to lean on each other, or they simply isolate and the fabric of the relationship comes unravelled. Why?
Many people were never adequately prepared to deal with adversity. When faced with a spouses disability, or the illness or loss of a child, they simply refuse to deal with reality and abandon the situation. Others play the blame game. If only you had, if you listened, and on and on, they
unload their grief and anger on each other.
How does a couple avoid the pitfalls inherent in such situations? First, avoid the temptation to cast blame. It is too easy when emotions are running high to lash out in anger. Try and recognize and validate your partner's feelings. Let each other know how much you need each other. Put off any sort of intensive talks until the situation has calmed down.
Don't isolate from your partner. Let each other know what you are feeling and why. There is no shame in expressing grief and hurt. Men are particularly good at trying to keep a stiff upper lip, and internalizing their emotions. They often need the reassurance that we don't think any less of them for crying or showing grief. This can be a very moving and profound moment in your marriage. Very often, a man, once he's been given permission to express his deepest feelings, will find himself much more open and loving in all other areas of his relationship with his wife.
If sudden unemployment is the issue, sit down and calmly discuss options and plans to weather the financial loss. Complaining about it or casting aspersions on your partner's abilities as a wage earner is cruel and counterproductive. Reassure him/her that something positive will come of
this, and you both will work through this together.
The marriage vows state for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. If your loved one is diagnosed with a chronic illness, it will place great stress on the marriage. Enormous sensitivity is called for in dealing with this issue
Use crisis situations to deepen and intensify the love you have for each other. Instead of avoiding or fighting the situation, go through it step by step, side by side. Your marriage will deepen and build layers of rich complexity as a result.
Self Analysis: Have you ever faced a truly difficult situation together? How did the both of you handle it?
Sunday, November 22, 2009
If you are thinking unhappy marriage, it could be because you are stuck in a rut of thinking about the "unhappy marriage" problem and how to fix it. That is called problem thinking which revolves around what wrong or needs to be fixed rather than what is sought after. A more empowering alternative would be outcome thinking which provides focus for what you want to achieve, the ensuing effects and the resources required to achieve it.
Here are some questions that you can ask so the you can find the resources to overcome an unhappy marriage and achieve the marriage that you've always dreamed of.
Questions to ask yourself if you are in an unhappy marriage:
Unhappy marriage solution Q1
Is it worth saving my marriage?
Most people think that divorcing is an inevitable solution for an unhappy marriage. At the end of the day, the question of whether it is worth saving your marriage is one that only you can answer. Usually, we all have parts in us that want contradicting outcomes. Does one part want a divorce and another still loves your spouse? That is natural - realize that both parts are serving a positive intention of making sure that you are happy. If you have even a tiny part in you that still loves your spouse then read on.
Unhappy marriage solution Q2:
What do you want instead?
Usually in an unhappy marriage, there might be a perceived incompatibility in the following areas: physical, mental, spiritual and emotional.
Emotional Compatibility – Ability to empathize with a partner’s emotion. Level of caring, love and nurturing shown towards each other.
Intellectual compatibility – Enjoying similar interests. Enjoying similar types of discussion.
Physical compatibility – Frequency and quality of sex. Tuning into each other's sexual rhythms.
Spiritual compatibility – Seeing “eye to eye” and sharing spiritual values. It does not mean belonging to the same religion.
Overall energetic compatibility - Indicates the harmonization of the masculine and feminine energy between the couple.
So the question to ask here is, how specifically do you want to be physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually compatible?
Be detailed in your description. Do not censor what you write. Begin with the sentence "If I can have anything I want ...."
Unhappy marriage solution Q3:
What are the resources needed to get what you want?
The marriage problem solving steps can help you overcome an unhappy marriage or rather, manifest the kind of marriage that you have always wanted.
Energy follows thought. If you focus your thoughts on "unhappy marriage", then that is where more and more of your energy goes. You end up getting more and more of what you do not want ie, "unhappy marriage". Hopefully the questions have set you thinking in a different direction from what you have been used to.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you try to short circuit the natural process of grieving, or deny that you’ve been hurt. To come to the place of forgiveness you must first admit you’ve been hurt – deeply.
Forgiveness will cost you everything, and cost your husband nothing. It means you will never hold what he did against him again; his debt, which he can never repay, will be completely erased.
Forgiving your husband for his sin against you may be the most Christ-like thing you ever do, and it will identify you with Christ like nothing else can. Jesus was killed by the people He loved, so the people He loved could be close to Him. You’ve been betrayed by the man you love, and the only way you can ever remove every barrier between you and your husband is to forgive him as Christ forgives.
If you withhold forgiveness, you’ll keep yourself trapped in bitterness and pain. Your bitterness will continue to be a wall between you and your husband that will keep your marriage stuck in resentment, misfired communication, and hurt feelings.
Forgiveness doesn’t give him the permission to abuse your grace and indulge in sexual sin. It doesn’t mean you stop holding him accountable for his actions, or that he no longer needs to go all out in the battle against lust.
Forgiveness is a choice, a powerful act of the will; it’s not something you will feel like doing. It’s giving up of all of your anger and releasing your husband from all expectation to grovel, or make it right. (Which, he can’t.)
When you forgive him, you allow God’s grace to flow freely through your heart, flush out all of your pain and anger, and fill you with His peace. You tear down a wall that was between you and God, and you and your husband. Your forgiveness allows God’s grace to flow to your husband and lift his shame and guilt. It is only after you forgive when you will find peace again.
If you’re struggling with providing forgiveness, Jesus can give you the power to let it go, if you’re willing.