Smoking & Pregnancy

Women and Tobacco

Smoking ages women prematurely. Smoking affects the skin (due to vasoconstriction induced by nicotine), causing reduction in blood circulation and oxygen supply and thus favoring wrinkling and premature aging of the skin. Smoke particles also adhere to the skin, producing a bad odour blocking the pores. Hair becomes fragile because of smoke deposits and reduced irrigation of the scalp. Conjunctivitis is more likely to develop because of smoke-induced eye irritation. Teeth can become discolored due to nicotine and tar deposits. Smoking also increases the risk of gum decay. Bad breath is the most obvious effect. The voice may also be affected.
Women who smoke may have earlier menopause by one or two years compared to non-smokers. They have more facial wrinkles and may have grey hair earlier. Smoking may also increase the risk for osteoporosis, a major cause for fractures in postmenopausal women.

Smoking and contraception

Smoking interferes with the choice of contraceptive methods because of the effects of nicotine on estrogen. Women who take estrogen pills have a higher risk of contracting cardiovascular diseases if they smoke. The combined risk is much higher than the separate risks attached to either the pill or to smoking alone, and the risk increases with age.

Among women using oral contraceptives, the risk of a heart attack, stroke, or blood clot in the legs' veins is much greater for smokers than non-smokers. The risk increase after 40 years of age, especially when the blood pressure or cholesterol levels is above normal.

Smoking and pregnancy

Not only does tobacco seriously damage maternal health, it also affects the health of their babies. Women who smoke have more difficulty becoming pregnant than non-smokers. They are also more prone to spontaneous abortion. Babies born to smoking mothers have lower survival rates, and those who survive are more likely to be sickly. Exposure to smoke also increases the risk of respiratory diseases in babies and small children.

When a pregnant woman smokes, her unborn child smokes with her. She passes carbon monoxide and nicotine to the bloodstream of the fetus, lessening the supply of oxygen and accelerating its heart beat. In addition, her newborn child is likely to be underweight by an average of 300 grams.

Nicotine is transmitted in the milk of a lactating mother to her infant. The risk of developing bronchitis or pneumonia during the first year of life is doubled if the parents smoke. The risk of otitis (inflammation of the ear) is also increased in the children who live with smokers compared to those who do not.

How does smoking affect the baby?

a. Risk of spontaneous miscarriage in early pregnancy is 2 times higher compared to the non-smokers. This may result partly from an increased number of abnormal embryos, with which smoking is associated.
b. Risk of preterm labour and prematurity of baby.
c. Risk of birth defects. Most studies show a relatively higher risk for babies of smoking mothers.
d. Increased risk of abruptio placentae. This is a serious condition where the placenta separates itself prematurely from the uterus before birth, causing abdominal pain and bleeding from the vagina. This condition can lead to danger and even death for both mother and child.
e. Delayed physical and intellectual development in the child.
f. Adverse effects on maternal health e.g. an increased risk of cancer; gut, heart and lung diseases.
g. Possible risk for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS).

How does low birth weight affect the baby?

Infants of smoking mothers weigh on average 300 grams less than those of non-smoking mothers. Low birth weight in babies is not due only to prematurity but also to intrauterine growth retardation (poor growth of the baby in the womb).

A growth-retarded baby is one who is not growing well in the mother's womb because of the lack of nutrients and oxygen. Such a baby faces an increased risk of fetal death in the womb and may require an early or emergency delivery by induction or caesarean section.

The baby also has a higher chance of dying in the early period after birth compared to a normal, healthy baby.

Other problems which a growth-retarded or immature baby may suffer from include low blood sugar, low temperature and aspirating meconium in the womb or when it is born, and respiratory difficulties from immature lungs.

How does smoking affect the baby's growth in the womb?
Smoking reduces the transfer of oxygen and nutrients to the baby while it is in the womb. Low birth weight, one of the effects of smoking, may be due to the following:

a. Nicotine found in tobacco smoke constricts and reduces the placental bed blood vessel flow.
b. Carbon monoxide, also found in tobacco smoke, binds preferentially to fetal haemoglobin excluding oxygen. The higher level of carboxyhaemoglobin (a combination of carbon monoxide and haemoglobin) reduces oxygen supply to fetal tissues.
c. The toxic effect of smoking damages the placenta villi and barrier (the attachment lining between the placenta and the womb), thus reducing the transfer of amino acids and other nutrients to the fetus.

How harmful is secondary or passive smoking?

The effects of passive smoking are difficult to quantify. If a non-smoking woman lives in the atmosphere of her husband's cigarettes smoke, the fetus could receive an indirect effect of the smoke through the mother, although the concentration may be lower than from direct smoking. Thus, it is best for the husband to refrain from smoking in the mother's presence, or to quit the habit. The mother is also advised to keep out of smoke-filled areas.

In the case if a mother who cannot give up smoking totally, how many would be permissible?
There is a graduated fetal response to maternal inhaled smoke. That is, the more cigarettes the mother smokes, the more risks for the fetus. There is no cut off point where smoking can be said to not affect the unborn baby. The best advice is not to smoke at all during pregnancy.

Discomforts In Pregnancy

For the Mum-To-Be ~ Discomforts In Pregnancy

Some discomfort may be experienced during pregnancy. This is mainly due to the physical and hormonal changes occurring in your body. Here are some tips on how you can relieve discomfort through diet Morning Sickness Try eating crackers or dry toast 10 - 15 minutes before getting up from bed. Have a light breakfast. Instead of 3 meals a day, have more frequent and smaller meals to avoid a full stomach, which may cause regurgitation of food. Other tips include : • Avoid consuming oily and spicy foods. They may cause irritation for some women. • Drink enough fluids in between meals to prevent distension, or a feeling of fullness • Consult your doctor if vomiting persists Heartburn This is a burning sensation below your diaphragm (the muscle between your lungs and stomach). This condition is due to the regurgitation of gastric fluids into the esophagus (food pipe). To minimize heartburn, you should avoid spicy or fatty foods, fizzy drinks and caffeine. Other tips include : • Have more frequent but smaller meals, as a full stomach will aggravate the regurgitation of the gastric fluid • Consume enough fluids between meals. Try to stand after a meal. Sitting will push the food upwards and hence cause discomfort. Constipation Increasing your fiber intake can help prevent constipation. Prunes and dried fruits are good sources. Take more fluids. Having a hot drink after getting up from the bed helps to stimulate bowel movements. Exercise and increased physical activity help to prevent constipation

Diet And Your Pregnancy

Good nutrition is important during pregnancy. A nutritious diet will help you meet the rapidly growing needs of your baby, maintain your health and prepare you for lactation. However, you do not have to eat for two. All you need is a well-balanced diet.

A Balanced Diet

Mothers should eat a variety of food from the 4 food groups, namely, rice and alternatives, fruits, vegetables, and meat and alternatives. This is because different food groups contain different types of nutrients. For instance, meat and alternatives are rich in protein but have no Vitamin C. Choosing a variety of foods ensures that you get the right balance of nutrients from the 4 food groups.

The table serves as a guide for pregnant mothers on the types and portions of food to consume.

Rice and Alternatives

Foods in this group provides energy as well as fiber, vitamins and minerals. The amount of energy an individual needs vary with age, weight and activity level. Usually, 6 - 7 servings will be required.

Fruits

The requirement for most minerals and vitamins increases during pregnancy. These are necessary for the normal functioning of the body such as blood formation and the building of body resistance. Fruits are good sources of vitamins and minerals, as well as dietary fiber. 2 servings a day are required.

Vegetables

Like fruits, vegetables are good sources of vitamins, minerals and dietary fiber. 2 servings a day are required, at least 1 of which should be a green leafy vegetable..

Meat and Alternatives

This food group provides protein, necessary for the growth and repair of body tissues such as those that make up the muscles, heart, lungs, eyes and skin. Pregnant women require more protein, which is used for the formation of the fetus' organs. In our affluent society however protein deficiency is rarely a concern.

You should have 2 servings of protein per day.

Additional Nutrients Needs

Iron

Iron is essential during pregnancy to prevent the mother from being anemic (a condition of insufficient red blood cells or hemoglobin in the blood). An anemic mother tends to look pale and feels tired easily.

Additional intake also helps to build up the baby's iron stores, in order to last baby for the 1^st 6 months of life. Iron is found in liver, meat, fish, bean curd, wholegrain cereals, green leafy vegetables and eggs

Folic acid

This is needed for cell growth and cell reproduction. Cells are basic building blocks for tissues. Since folic acid is involved in the formation of blood, a deficiency in folic acid can also cause the mother to be anemic. Folic acid is found in green leafy vegetables, liver, yeast extract, eggs, nuts, wholegrain cereals and oranges.

Vitamin C

We need this vitamin every day because our body cannot store it. Vitamin C increases your body’s ability to absorb iron. It is important to note that Vitamin C and folic acid are easily destroyed by cooking and heat. Vitamin C can be found in fruits especially oranges, guavas, papayas, kiwis, lemons, as well as vegetables.

To prevent destruction of Vitamin C, avoid storing fruits and vegetables for long periods of time. You should also avoid peeling and cutting them as Vitamin C is lost with prolonged exposure to air.

Vegetables should also be cooked in small amounts of water to prevent water-soluble nutrients like Vitamin C to be leached out into the cooking water, and in as short a time as possible

Calcium

During pregnancy, you need more calcium to maintain your own calcium stores as well as for the development of your baby's bones and teeth. Your calcium requirement during pregnancy is 1000 mg a day, which can be met through consuming 2 – 4 servings of milk and alternatives a day.

Weight Gain

Mothers should not gain excessive weight during pregnancy. During pregnancy, an additional 300 calories per day is required.

It is not necessary to calculate your calorie intake per day. Use your weight gain as a guide. Pregnant women should aim for an average of 0.45 kg a week during the 2^nd and 3^rd trimesters for a total weight gain of 11 - 15 kg. However, if you were overweight before your pregnancy, you should only gain 6 - 9 kg.

To control excessive weight gain, you should limit sugary foods such as sweets and sweetened drinks. You should also reduce your fat intake by eating less fried foods, chocolate. Other ways of reducing fat intake include : removing the skin and fat on poultry, and removing fat from meat before eating, opting for soup noodles instead of fried noodles, and boiling, steaming or grilling foods instead of deep frying.

Care During Pregnancy

There are few experiences in life as powerful as finding out that you're pregnant. It's amazing to think that you have a new life growing inside you. From the moment you begin to feel changes in your body -- or you know for sure that you're pregnant -- you may begin to feel protective and look forward to having the baby. You would also probably begin to think about arranging for your maternity care.

I Need A Special Diet For Two?

It is a common myth that you should eat for two. In fact most women do not need extra calories for the first 6 months of pregnancy and only require approximately 200 extra calories per day during the last 3 months. However, because your blood sugar levels fluctuate more due to the extra demands on your body, it is important to eat regularly, including snacks between meals. Most women gain between 9 - 13 kg during pregnancy, although this can vary from woman to woman. You should never try to diet during this period as you could be depriving the baby of vital nutrients. Healthy foods The best thing to do throughout pregnancy is to eat a variety of healthy foods. They should contain certain key components necessary for growth and development. These include foods containing iron (e.g. green leafy vegetables, red meat, beans and pulses although additional iron supplements may also be given to you by your doctor); calcium (e.g. dairy produce, fish with edible bones like sardines and bread) and foliate (e.g. green beans, oranges, spinach, kale or broccoli). Try to eat something from the following food groups daily:

• Fresh fruit and vegetables: 4 - 6 servings/day • Bread, rice, breakfast cereals, potatoes: at least 1 serving at each meal and 4 servings/day • Lean meat, poultry, fish, eggs, pulses and nuts: 2 - 3 servings/day • Dairy products: 2 - 3 servings/day

Try to avoid the following:

• Raw eggs which contain salmonella • Home-made mayonnaise and ice-cream • Blue cheese • Liver or pates • Raw or undercooked meat and raw shellfish • Soft cheese and unpasteurized milk

Protect yourself from a miscarriage

About 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriages.

Causes Of Miscarriage

1. Something has gone wrong with the development of the fetus. A bad egg or a bad sperm are the probable cause. There is nothing to worry about unless a woman is a habitual aborter (3 consecutive miscarriages).

2. Luteal Phase Defect: following ovulation, the corpus luteum is formed and this “organ” produces progesterone which helps the pregnancy. A defective corpus luteum, hence low production of progesterone, can cause a miscarriage.

3. Endocrine Diseases, eg. diabetes, thyroid disease

4. Uterine fibroids

5. Immune factors – production of antibodies that destroy the fetus as in Rhesus Incompatibility.

6. Severe Illness in pregnancy (uncommon)

7. Accidents

Preventive Efforts

1. Eliminate or control maternal conditions such as Fibroids, Diabetes, Thyriod Disease, Hypertension.

2. Use of long acting progesterone (such as Proluton Depot ) - debatable

3. Adequate rest

4. Change lifestyle habits such as drugs, drinking, smoking

5. Avoid unnecessary intake of drugs especially Chinese Herbs

Pregnancy Preparation

1. All couples should have babies when they are ready for them – physically, emotionally and financially. In this time and age, with the ready availability of contraception, no one should have an unwanted pregnancy.

2. All future mothers and fathers should attend parental guidance course where they will be taught about parenthood, parenting and when they are prepared to function as a family unit.

3. All woman should keep track of her menstrual period. When she misses one cycle, she should have a proper test done either by herself (Pregnancy Test Kits available in all pharmacies) or see her doctor.

Pregnancy Tests:

• Urine
• Blood – measurement of Beta HCG
• Ultrasonography

4. Once pregnancy is confirmed, the expectant mother should contact her obstetrician and go for regular antenatal checkups where pregnancy complications can be prevented or detected and treated. Antenatal classes for expectant mothers and fathers help.

5. Maternal deaths – it is very rare but can happen. Proper antenatal checkups and delivery in a well-equipped hospital and by a competent obstetrician minimized the risk. In the event of a maternal death, proper counseling and emotional support are of paramount importance to the grieving family.

Managing Pregnancy

When pregnancy is confirmed

You may experience both positive and negative emotions, such as:

Positive Emotions
• pride in your ability to bear a child
• a sense of expectancy and excitement
• joy and happiness about becoming parents

Negative Emotions
• fear of losing your independence
• apprehension about changes in your relationship
• doubts about your ability to be a good parent

Tip: Share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse. Working through your emotions will also bring you closer as a couple.

When pregnancy progresses

You may feel more protective of the developing baby. You will also be more dependent on one another as you anticipate the responsibilities of parenthood.

Tip: Talk to your friends, siblings and relatives who are parents themselves and observe how others have handled the situation

During labor and birth

During the last few weeks of pregnancy, it is natural to feel apprehensive about labor and childbirth, especially if this is your first child. It is common for first-time mothers to fear the labor process and worry that their baby may be abnormal. But once the baby is born, mothers and fathers often feel a sense of relief.

Tip: The birth of a child is a dramatic and emotional event for parents. When fathers (or close companions) are present in the delivery room, women tend to:

• have shorter labors
• experience less pain
• use less medication
• feel more positive about themselves, their families and childbirth process

Genetic Counseling

What is genetic counseling?

Genetic counseling is the consultation and advice provided by a doctor about the possibility of a child being born with an inherited disease or a birth defect.

Some common genetic diseases are Down Syndrome (mongolism), thalassemia major, hemophilia and muscular dystrophy.

Who needs genetic counseling?

Genetic counseling is recommended if you are planning for a baby and if any of the following applies to you:

• You and your spouse have a birth defect or a genetic disease.
• You or your spouse has a child, parent or close relative with a birth defect, a genetic disease, or mental retardation.
• You or your spouse is a carrier of a genetic disease.
• You are a woman above 35 years of age.
• You are a woman who has had three or more miscarriages or stillbirths

What happens during genetic counseling?

You will be given an appointment to meet the counselor. The counselor needs detailed information to diagnose the problem and give you the correct advice.

• You will be asked about the illness you, your parents, brothers, sisters and their children may have had.
• You will be asked about any pregnancies you may have had.
• You and your children may be examined for signs of the disease.
• Special tests may have to be done to find out what is wrong.
• Your spouse may also be called for an examination and special tests.
  

Once the problem is diagnosed, the counselor will explain:

• How the disease affects a person and how it can be treated.
• Whether the disease is inherited and how it is passed from the parent to the child.
• The chances of the disease affecting the person or his/her children.
• The risk to the children in the future if one child is already affected.
• The tests that are available to find out if an unborn child is affected.

*** Information taken from `Genetic Counseling,

Plan for a family

Discuss with your spouse when you would like to have children and how many you should aim for.

When you plan to have a baby, you should seek genetic counseling if:
• You or your partner have a birth defect or genetic disease
• You or your partner have a child, parent or close relative with a birth defect, genetic disease or mental retardation
• You or your partner are a carrier of a genetic disease, e.g. you have the thalassemia trait
• You are a woman above 35 years of age
• You are a woman who has had 3 or more miscarriages or still births

Contraception

Family planning also involves preventing unwanted pregnancies if you and your spouse are not yet ready for a child.

Some Methods Of Contraception:

1. Condoms

A condom is made of a thin sheath of rubber and is worn over the penis during sexual intercourse. When worn before vaginal penetration, the condom prevents sperm from entering the vagina and fertilizing the egg. They should preferably be used together with a spermicide.

2. Spermicides

Spermicides are chemicals that kill sperm. They come in the form of a cream, jelly, vaginal foam or aerosol.

Spermicides need to be placed in the vaginal early enough before intercourse to be effective. They should be used together with a condom or diaphragm to be effective.

3. Oral Contraceptive

These pills are made of synthetic hormones that prevent ovulation. They have to be prescribed by a doctor and are safe and reliable if taken daily. However, some people may suffer from side effects if they take these pills.

4. Intra-Uterine Device (IUD)

This is a small device made of plastic and a copper coil that is inserted into the woman’s uterus by a doctor. It prevents pregnancy by stopping the implantation of the fertilized egg.

5. Rhythm Methods

The basic principle here is to avoid sexual intercourse during the woman’s fertile period. However, it is difficult to pinpoint these safe periods when there is little risk of pregnancy from intercourse. This is because women have different menstrual cycles and not all of them are regular. Therefore, Rhythm Methods like the Calendar method, Temperature method, and Mucous method may not be reliable for birth control due to the irregularities and discipline involved.

6. Sterilization

For the males, vasectomy involves surgically cutting the sperm ducts. For the females, tubal ligation involves tying and cutting or clipping the fallopian tubes to prevent the eggs from passing through.

These methods are permanent and should not be pursued until the couple has seriously considered and decided together that the family is complete.

7. Contraceptive Implants

These are synthetic hormones contained in a set of capsules (e.g. Norplant). They work by preventing ovulation and thickening the cervical mucus, which acts as a barrier to the sperm.

The capsules are inserted by a doctor under the skin of the woman’s arm under local anesthesia. This method is almost 100% effective, long acting and safe.

Sexual Satisfaction In Marriage

Sexual needs and experiences are unique for every individual. Sexuality also operates within a cultural context. There are social norms and expectations in sexual behavior. Sexual relationships outside marriage are usually met with social and religious disapproval. Premarital sex also generates distrust and disrespect and can cause the couple to focus on sex and lose interest in getting married. But when sexual relationships occur within a marriage, couples achieve greater enjoyment of sex and have greater success and stability in marriage.
It is important to realize that it is possible to have sex without love and it is also possible to be a loving couple without much sexual activity.

Intimacy is not only experienced physically, it comes with how you feel about each other, what you do with each other, and the way you talk to each other.

You should consider that:

1. Sex is something to be learn t

Learn about the physical aspects of sex and how a man and a woman respond to each other sexually. You might want to read up about the subject before the wedding night.

2. A couple may need to adjust to each other sexually

Sex is not just something that a husband and wife have with each other. It is part of a relationship and each may need time to get used to the other.

3. How you feel affects your sexual life

Sex is not just for meeting physical needs. It is an emotional experience as well because the way you feel about each other influences your desires and performance.

4. How you think affects your sexual life

Your attitudes and beliefs about sex can either inhibit or enhance sexual desire.

5. Sex requires preparation

It helps to prepare for sex by the way you think of each other. Ensure that you are reasonably relaxed and treating each other nicely before having sex.

6. Flexibility is important

Be open to different ways of having sex. What is important is that both of you feel comfortable and positive about the experience.

7. Sex includes being other-oriented

Think of ways to pleasure your partner and satisfy his/her needs.

8. Sex is not just intercourse

Sex is a long process of activities that results in mutual pleasuring and culminates in intercourse. Keep in mind that not all foreplay can lead to intercourse. At the same time, physical touching doesn’t need to be confined to foreplay time.

9.Sex can be discussed

Tell your partner what you enjoy most, where stimulation is most pleasurable and how best to do it. If you are not yet ready for lovemaking, you may want to
set a definite time in the future it to happen.

Learning about your new family....

Discover more about the person you have married and the family you have married into. Discuss the following with your spouse:

- What is the relationship between your spouse’s parents and yourself?
- What is your position in the sibling hierarchy?
- What are some of your privileges and responsibilities in your family?
- What are the similarities and differences between your family and your spouse’s?
- What qualities of your parents’ family do you want to bring into your new family?

Your immediate family comes first

By placing your spouse and your marriage above your parent’s family in terms of priority, you are choosing the adult role of being a husband and wife over your role as a child in your parent’s family. This builds your spouse’s confidence in the marriage and encourages him/her to help you in your efforts to maintain good family ties.

Let your parents know that you care, love and respect them. But at the same time, let them know you want to set the rules for your new family as well.

Strengthening Family Relationships.....

“A family that prays together stays together, and a family that talks together builds a closer relationship together.”

4 major ways of strengthening family relationships:

1. IMPROVE FAMILY COMMUNICATION

a) Create the opportunity

Plan times to talk casually with your children and have them respond. Ask questions about them and their schoolwork, for example, and give them opportunities to contribute. Note opportunities where you can involve them in discussion. It could be during meal-times, when you are out on a family walk together, or when you tuck them into bed after reading a story. Even television hours could be wisely turned into a family talking hour about the program the family is watching.

b) Create the right atmosphere

Parents need to create a conducive atmosphere for children to want to talk to them. The following suggestions could be helpful:

•be interested in what your child says
•listen to the message and do not interrupt
•establish eye contact
•focus on the positives rather than the negatives
•correct them lovingly
•talk calmly instead of impatiently

2. SPEND TIME TOGETHER IN FAMILY ACTIVITIES

It is extremely important that children be given a sense of unity and belonging as members of the family. Example: participating in the planning and organizing of family activities such as cleaning the house, putting together a jigsaw puzzle, going on a family outing at the Park.

Such family activities are anchor points of growing up. Children develop warm feelings about these special times during their early years. They draw them close to their parents, their home and their siblings.

3. DEAL WITH CRISES POSITIVELY

Even the happiest families have problems. But if family members learn how to cope with conflicts, they can live with each other more effectively. When a crisis come, parents together with their children should try to work out a solution as a team. If there were angry feelings, family members can learn to settle their differences by suggesting a better way of coping with such frustrations.

If the children are older, they can help share the burden by proposing alternative solutions to the problems. Family members who pull through crises together become stronger in their commitment to each other.

4. SHOW APPRECIATION FOR EACH OTHER

When family members take time to write little notes of appreciation or thanks to each other, family ties are strengthened. Parents can show appreciation through an occasional kind word such. Example: “Johnny, thanks for keeping your room clean today. You really helped lighten mommy’s work.”

A husband who goes on an overseas trip and sends back cards to tell his wife he is thinking of her, is strengthening that feeling of appreciation and love in him and in her.

Children who grow up in homes where they are respected, appreciated and listened to communicate better with their families. They are generally happier and more self-confident.

Family Relationships...

We all have certain ideas of what roles and responsibilities a husband and wife should take in a marriage. These ideas are influenced by:
- Our parents
- Our culture
- Our race
- Our society

Traditionally, there are some basic roles that married men and women are expected to fulfill. But with the rapid changes that we are experiencing in the modern world, you and your spouse should clarify what you expect from each other and develop your own style of working together.

Role expectations

Q. What are some of your role expectations?copy this chart, compare and discuss your ideas with your partner

	Agree	Unsure	Disagree
The husband should be the primary provider
The husband is to provide leadership and make major decisions
The wife should supervise the children’s schoolwork
The wife should be the primary childcare giver
The wife’s career and career satisfaction is as important as the husband’s
The wife should stay at home after giving birth
The husband needs to help with the heavy duty as well as electrical work around the house
The husband should guide the family’s faith and values
The wife should arrange for all contacts with her in-laws and parents
Even if she is working, the husband should still give an allowance to his wife
The wife should be in charge of organizing religious functions, socials and parties
The husband should help with the household chores
If a maid is employed, the wife should be the one to supervise her
The wife should always respond to the husband’s request for sex
The husband and wife should consult one another before making important decisions and plans

Roles of a husband/ Roles of a wife:

In the past, family roles were devised to meet the conditions of hunting and agricultural societies. Men and women had specific tasks then, resulting in a clear separation between men’s work and women’s work. In general, the men did physical labor while the women tended to housekeeping chores.

Today, it is common to find both husband and wife working outside the home. They jointly contribute to the family income and are more likely to live in nuclear families.

Role sharing

This helps to strengthen the marital bond between you and your spouse. It is a concrete way of showing consideration, care and concern for each other.

What are the roles to be shared?

1. Income-earner role

Dual income households are common nowadays as the wife often has to earn a second income for the family to cope with the rising costs of living. Work is also a means for the women to reach her aspirations.

2. Childcare role

Men are just as capable as women when it comes to caring for children. Fathers who participate in the child’s upbringing develop a close and warm bond with the child. This participation also increases the father’s sense of usefulness and makes him feel good about himself. Most importantly, the child benefits most when both parents play active caring roles.

3. Domestic role

Having a home involves doing many household chores that are necessary to keep the home tidy. Just as their wives contribute to the income-earner role, husbands should be willing to contribute to the domestic role as well.

Some guidelines for shared responsibility:

- Priorities your duties and responsibilities based on your needs and capabilities. This helps you identify the really important matters in the family that require attention from you and your spouse.

- Determine who is available for the job. In many instances, getting the job done is more important than who does it.

- Where skills are important, the person with the best skills should perform the task.

- Practice a sense of fairness in job allocation and adopt a “give and take” attitude with your spouse when sharing responsibilities. Avoid overloading assignments, especially unpopular tasks, onto one person.

- Adopt a positive attitude towards conflicts between work and family life. Channel negative thinking and feelings into constructive problem-solving activities instead of blaming your partner or the work place.

- Encourage each other to practice time management so as to get through the day more efficiently.

- Improving each other’s awareness, interpersonal communication skills, problem-solving skills and other social skills can help to increase the effectiveness of shared responsibility.

What Every Husband Should Know About His Wife..

A wife's most basic needs in marriage are:

(1) to be cherished,
(2) to be known and
(3) to be respected.

•She Needs to be Cherished

Without meaning to, a husband can completely miss one of his wife's most important needs: to be cherished. This need is too often overlooked by husbands because we don't feel the need for it as deeply as women do. But that doesn't discount its validity. Your wife needs to be cherished.

She needs to know she is number one in your life. If it came down to an evening with your buddies or a night with your wife, she needs to know you would choose her—not because you have to, but because you want to.

What can you do to cherish your wife?

= Consider how often you say, “I love you.”=

Some men don't feel the need to say it with words, but every wife has an insatiable need to hear it. Your wife also needs evidence that you are thinking about her during your day. A small gift or a quick phone call to say, “You are on my mind,” can mean the world to her.

As a man, you probably have no idea of the effect you can have on your wife by being gentle and tender, making her feel cared for.

...Does cherishing your wife mean sacrificing basketball games, success at work, or nights out with the boys? Believe it or not, the answer is no. When your wife is satisfied in knowing that she takes first place in your life, when she knows she is the most important thing in the world to you, she will encourage you to do the things you enjoy. It is part of the mystery of marriage: When a woman is truly, genuinely cherished, she feels free to encourage her husband's independence.

“To love and to cherish” is more than a phrase from your wedding vows. It is one of the most important needs your wife will ever have. By meeting it, you are sure to build a partnership that brings you both pleasure....

• She Needs to be Known

For a woman, being understood means having her feelings validated and accepted. That's not as easy as it sounds.

To meet your wife's important need to be known, you need to actively listen to her, reflecting back to her what she is saying and feeling, and genuinely wanting to understand her. This point cannot be overemphasized: Women need to have their feelings validated and accepted. They need to have you see and experience the world the way they do, instead of explaining to them why they shouldn't see it that way.

Men have a tough time realizing that offering a listening ear is all a woman needs at times—or a comforting hug, a loving statement like “You are hurting, aren't you?” or “You are under a lot of pressure, aren't you?” Listening to your wife talk without offering quick solutions is the only way to meet her need to be known.

• She Needs to be Respected

Men are usually quite unaware of how much women need to be respected. Why? Because when men are not respected they react very differently. A man who doesn't feel respected, for example, is apt to become self-righteous and indignant. He feels even more worthy of respect when others don't respect him. He may even give less until he gets what he feels he deserves.

Women operate differently—when they are not respected they feel insecure and lose their sense of self. That is why it is so vital for you to take special care of your partner's need for respect.

There are a number of ways to show respect to your wife. To begin with, do not try to change or manipulate her, but rather, honor her needs, wishes, values, and rights.

Respecting your wife also mean including her in decisions.Build your wife's self-esteem and sense of security by asking for her input whenever you can, even on the small things. When you make a decision that might affect her, say: “I'm thinking about…What do you think of that?” or “I'm thinking we should…What would you like?”

Respect says, “I support you, you are valuable to me, and you don't have to be any different from who you are.” In return for this respect a woman will be able to relax. She will not have a compulsive need to prove herself as an equal, but will automatically feel and be equal. What a wonderful way to live with a woman.