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Marriage is being there for the other in bad times as well as the good. Married love stands through thick and thin, no matter how hot the trials or how hard the test. Married love never loses hope. It's always there, always dependable, always ready with outstretched hands and open arms to take the other in--to love, to comfort, to hold, and to cherish. Marriage is learning to let the little things pass.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

What Makes A Marriage Last....

WHAT MAKES A MARRIAGE LAST

IT'S THE EVERYDAY CHOICES THAT YOU MAKE:

To do what is best for your partner in life...

To respect the commitment of being husband and wife...

To be still and just listen —not have to be heard...

To forgive and forget and not need "the last word"...

To admit you're not perfect —you'll both make mistakes...

To support the decisions that each of you makes...

To be willing to laugh when a day has been rough...

To divide up the burdens when life becomes tough...

To support one another when things are too hurried...

To comfort each other when stress keeps you worried...

To be willing to cherish your true love and friend with a joy and compassion that will never end.

Relate to In-laws....


Relating to your in-laws

Many couples often distance themselves from their parents as they begin their married lives together. This sudden change can cause tension and problems for all. That’s why you will need to continually put in effort to nurture a harmonious relationship with your in-laws.

Relating well to your in-laws is important because you will be spending a lot of time with them (if you are staying with them) or you will be visiting them regularly (if you are not staying with them). They will also be playing an important role in imparting values to your children.

With your in-laws playing such a prominent role in your married life, juggling the feelings of your spouse and your spouse’s family can be very delicate.

Tips on getting along with your in-laws:

- Make an effort to get to know more about your in-laws, their lifestyle, and what they consider to be acceptable behavior.

- Stay in contact by visiting or calling them regularly. Gifts and outings are simple ways of showing your love and care for them.

- Don’t make denigrating statements about your in-laws, such as “You are just like your mother, so stingy!”

- Agree with your spouse on the amount (and limit) of time and money you give to each other’s parents. Reassess your agreement from time to time as the needs and abilities of your parents/ parents-in-laws change with age and circumstances.

- Treat each other’s parents as fairly as possible.

- Find mutually acceptable ways for each other’s parents to have time with your children.

- Avoid making your spouse choose between his/her family and yourself.

Excluding in-laws from certain aspects of your life

Discuss with your spouse ways to preserve the privacy of your marriage while maintaining close ties with the extended family.

Address concerns like the following:
- When do you and your spouse have ‘couple time’ together?
- When do you spend time with the extended family?
- When do you involve your in-laws in decision-making?
- Where should you talk out your marital conflicts: in the privacy of your bedroom or in front of your in-laws?

Understand gender differences ....

Differences between men and women:

Men

Women

More rational

More emotional and temperamental

Use of language to express thoughts

Use of language to express feelings

Messages that were heard and received were transformed into information

Use of emotions to understand messages that were heard and received

Not so sensitive

More sensitive, to the extent of linking exterior matters to oneself

Is more independent

More dependent, require more assurance and sense of security

Viewing career as an extension of the personality

Viewing family as an extension of the personality

Remember important points and major issues

Remember little details, connecting and bringing out the important ones

Emphasis on principles in handling matters

Emphasis on feelings and mood in handling matters

Does not like to be involved in the mundane routines of household matters

Likes to be involved/ is concerned about husband’s career

Difficulty in displaying physical affection for wife

Pays more emphasis to husband’s show of physical affection and concern to herself

Relatively harder to express feelings through the use of language

Emphasis on using language or actions to express feelings

Stronger self-pride, relatively hardened

Strong self-pride as well, but soften easily

Find it harder to apologize

Find it easier to apologize upon recognizing one’s fault

Is analytical, but excitable at times too

Easily excitable and/or temperamental


Saturday, January 27, 2007

Tips for a 'Complete Marriage'..


Have you found your marriage growing ever more vibrant and fulfilling over the years? Or are you caught in the frustration of a joyless or mediocre marriage? The truth is, your marriage need not just be an average marriage, you can enjoy a ‘complete’ marriage in terms of happiness, growth and fulfillment. You can bring back that glow in your relationship, if you work at strengthening your marriage. Why not try the following tips?

Love Your Mate

Love is necessary for all human survival including love after marriage. Often, before marriage, a young man will woo a young lady with loving words and tender deeds. But after marriage, he often fails to recognize that she has an intense need to feel loved on a day-to-day basis for the rest of her life. She yearns to be special for her husband. So put the romance back into your marriage. Remember birthdays, anniversaries and important occasions and spend some starry nights out together. Flowers, cards, letters and long distance telephone calls help to keep a wife feeling happy and loved.

As romance is important for a wife, love is equally important to a husband. A man demonstrates love in calm and rational ways. He works hard to bring home regular paychecks o. No matter how rough the exterior of a man, love and tenderness are still there beneath that surface! A wife needs to be tender and loving to her husband to show affection and consideration even when he has acted thoughtlessly. Avoid nagging at all costs! Instead, discover your mate’s needs and begin to fulfill them now.

Accept Your Mate

Have you discovered that the intimacy of marriage reveals many faults and habits in your so-called ‘perfect’ mate? Have you become frustrated and discouraged at not being able to change your spouse? Don’t try that. Try instead to really accept your spouse as he or she is – faults and all.

Avoid openly criticizing your mate. Nagging and criticism kill love! Rather, learn to raise your tolerance level and accept those basic individual differences. Learn to appreciate the different personality of your spouse, because different does not mean wrong. In fact, the expression, “I like you just the way you are,” is heartwarming. Work together to change what can be altered and improve on that which can be corrected. A strong and happy marriage is not one where perfection reigns, but where you and your spouse maintain healthy perspectives when viewing unresolvable differences.

Appreciate Your Mate

In our marriages, we often take our mates for granted. We tend to notice and magnify their faults and weaknesses. We rarely mention admirable qualities. Women need to be loved. Men need admiration. A man appreciates honor and acclaim from others, but especially from his wife. Courage and devotion to his lifework deserve admiration, so it is gratifying when a wife expresses her appreciation verbally. (If your husband places importance on physique, then admire his strength and muscle.)
Few men realise that women also have a natural need for admiration. A woman who has gone through a hard day’s work of household chores needs to know that her husband has noticed her effort. Well-scrubbed children and delicious cooked meals do not materialise out of thin air! Just a few kind words will go a long way to soothe the irritations of the day.

In expressing your appreciation, it is worthwhile to identify a specific quality. Avoid generalizations that may create confusion. My husband often tells me, “Honey, I really think you are wonderful for staying up late to fix my shirt buttons” or “Hey, I think you look great in that dress!” Express appreciation, but beware of flattery. One is sincere, the other insincere. Someone once said, “Don’t be afraid of the enemies who attack you. Be afraid of those who flatter you.” Say what you mean.

Communicate With Your Mate

Successful marital relationships depend to a great extent on communication. Communication between a husband and a wife involves talking and listening, as well as an intimate sharing of feelings. To achieve effective speaking,

•Choose the right time to talk to your spouse
•Be clear and specific
•Be positive
•Be courteous and respectful of your mate’s opinion
•Speak pleasantly
•Be sensitive to the feelings of your mate

Good listening helps to enhance your communication with your spouse. Here are some ways you can practice listening with feeling on a daily basis.

•Maintain good eye contact
•Sit attentively
•Act interested in what you are about to hear
•Sprinkle your attentive listening with appropriate phrases to show understanding and interest

When in conflict or disagreement with your spouse, communicate openly with each other. Do not use silence as a treatment for such a problem. Follow a few simple rules to help solve the problem constructively:

•Choose the best time and place to talk
•State your feelings openly and respectfully
•Stay on the subject
•Respect his opinion
•Identify the solutions
•Evaluate the solutions
•Choose the most acceptable solution to both

Laugh With Your Mate

Amidst the hectic schedules of childrearing, careers and of work, couples need to include an activity each week that will enrich their marriage life. Take time out for trips, picnics, and special meals, or just an interesting walk. Have fun as a couple. Have your brought something into the marriage recently that was exciting, interesting, challenging or creative? When was the last time you did something along with your mate just for fun? Have you enjoyed a good laugh together recently?

Doing fun things together strengthen marital togetherness. It also helps to relieve tensions and stress. Yes, happy and successful marriages seem to be on the endangered species list in this decade. Those of us who want to enjoy a high degree of happiness in marriage must put in effort, time and commitment to continue to strengthen the earlier foundation built on love. We need to find new ways and open new doors for lack-lustre marriages so that couples can consistently work to achieve the enriched life in a more ‘complete’ marriage

“To see a young couple loving each other is no wonder,
but
To see an old couple loving each other is the best sight of all.”

Friday, January 26, 2007

Resolving conflicts in marriage...


Conflict is part of every marriage. Even in the most ideal marriage, periods of discord are inevitable. The most important thing about marital conflicts is not how to avoid them, but how to manage them.

Couples are encouraged to learn and practice conflict resolution skills. At first it may seem awkward and unnatural, but once the couple becomes efficient at it, they often find the process rewarding.

10 Steps to Resolve Conflicts

1. Set a time and place for discussion

- Schedule a time suitable for both of you.
- Arrange a place that both of you will feel comfortable and will not be interrupted

2. Notice the symptoms

- Look out for signals that "something is wrong" ~ Is there tension between you? Are you distancing from each other? Is one of you feeling hurt or more irritable than the usual? If so, there is probably a conflict that needs to be resolved.

3. Clarify the problem or issue of disagreement

- Select and discuss only one issue at a time. Trying to resolve more than one conflict at a time can be overwhelming and will create feelings of frustration.

4. Acknowledge your role in having created and maintained the problem.
- Accept responsibility for your own contribution to the conflict. This helps to decrease defensiveness. Problems between two people usually involve both partners in some way.

5. List past attempts that failed to resolve the issue.

- This will allow you to realize that you have made efforts to resolve the conflict in the past, and to avoid potential solutions that have proven unsuccessful.

6. Brainstorm possible solutions

- Use your creativity to come up with as many solutions as possible without being either judgmental or critical.

7. Discuss the pros and cons of proposed solutions

- For each proposed solution, list the appropriateness, your ability to implement it as well as the constraints.
- Discuss all the solutions, even though some may seem to be better than others.

8. Agree on one solution to try out

- Between both of you, arrive at a consensus as to which solution will work the best.
- Remember that the solution agreed upon is not always the first choice of either partner. Compromise is crucial to arrive at a workable solution.
- Both partners need to identify specifically what each of them will do in carrying out the solution.
- Be specific and focus on observable behaviors. For example, "I will give you a call when I can't be home early
.

9. Evaluate progress and feasibility of solution adopted

- The next meeting should be reasonably soon (e.g. one week later). Use the meeting to discuss how successful the solution is. Ask yourself questions like "Is it working?". If it is not working, go back to clarify the issue or brainstorm solutions.

10. Celebrate and reward each other for the efforts put in to resolve the issue

- Share your observation of how your partner has positively contributed to resolving the conflict.
- Praise your partner for his/her effort.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Building a Loving Marriage and Family...

All of us search for happiness. But where do we hope to find it? Some look for it in material wealth. The richer one is, the more one possesses, and the happier one is supposed to be. Yet there are enough examples of rich, famous and apparently successful people who have sought suicide to end their unhappiness. “Wealth = Happiness” is but an illusion. Money can certainly make our lives more comfortable but it will not necessarily buy us happiness.

Love is…

What is love? This word has been used so loosely and in so many instances – I love to eat ice-cream, I love to watch TV, I love basketball… - that its true meaning has been lost. Love is more than the warm, fuzzy feeling of endearment felt for another. In many instances, love is accompanied by “nice” feelings but these come and go quickly. After some years of marriage, the initial, nice, strong feelings will subside. In a strong, healthy marriage, however, the couple’s love will not subside with the feelings, but will instead have grown into a more mature type of love.
Self-centredness can sometimes masquerade as love. Let me illustrate with the example of a man who is strongly attracted to a woman and enjoys dating her. This man, however, does not really love the woman because he is more concerned with the enjoyment that he gets from her company, rather than meeting her needs as a person.

So what is love then? Love involves the giving of oneself to another. It could be in the form of one’s time, patience or humility. The giving of one’s time is, in fact, more difficult than the giving of expensive gifts and objects that money can buy.

Marriage is...

If love is giving, then what is marriage? Marriage is a total gift of oneself to one’s spouse, and an acceptance of that gift by the spouse:

“To you, my spouse, I give my life, my love, and my faithfulness. For you, I will give all my effort to become a more loving person, a better spouse and a better parent to our children.”

The total gift of oneself is also known as commitment. A person who wants a successful career will have to work hard and be committed to his job. Similarly a good marriage will require the commitment of both partners to work at resolving difficulties.

Marriage brings with it difficulties because two persons are trying to share one life together. Many find it easier to withdraw or ignore the problem (until the next quarrel anyway!) than to work at resolving it.

A couple’s willingness to work at difficulties is a sign of their commitment to each other. While commitment does not solve all marital problem, it does provide a very good environment for solving problems, because both partners have the determination to endure troubled times and work through difficulties to improve their marriage.

A gift is...

What is a gift? It is something that is given unconditionally. One should not expect to take back a gift or have it returned if things turn out contrary to one’s expectations.

The concept of gift and marriage as a total gift of oneself seems to be lacking today. At best, couples see marriage as a partial gift – “I will give you a part of myself in exchange for…, but only so long as our relationship works fine.” When this happens, marriage is no longer a real gift of oneself, but merely an agreement or a contract that can be revoked.

Such couples who are prepared to take back their “gift” of themselves start off at a disadvantage. Their marriages are more likely to fail because they are less likely to work hard at solving their problems.

Living and loving…

In summary,

• Loving relationships require giving and sacrificing for the good of others; and

• Marriage requires our full commitment or the total giving of ourselves.

Below are some ways to help us put the above ideas into everyday practice:

• We cannot give what we do not have. If we want to give the very best of ourselves, we have to develop humility, self-mastery and other personal virtues.

• We have to make it easy for others to love us and give off themselves to us. We can do this by encouraging and being appreciative of their efforts. It becomes difficult when we are critical and judgmental of their actions.

• Just as we should give ourselves unconditionally, we should also accept our spouse’s gift of herself/himself unconditionally. We should accept and love them as they are – virtues, defects and all – and even if they do not change and “improve” as we would like them to.

What would marriage and families be like if all of us tried to live in this way?

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Relationship Development

To develop a meaningful relationship as a married couple, you need to know yourself as well as your partner in order for the both of you to learn to grow together.

*Know yourself

Self-reflection

- Identify your values and priorities.
- Identify your expectations and views.
- Recognize your skills and abilities.
- Recognize your likes and dislikes.
- Recognize your strengths and weaknesses.
- Recognize your preferences and prejudices.
- Identify the significant events that shape you.
- Identify the relationships that influence you.
- Identify what is important to you (e.g. ambition).
- What do you think of yourself?
- What do others think of you?

*Know your partner

Ways to know your partner better:

1. Observe your partner in different situations

Find opportunities for your partner to socialize with your family, friends and colleagues so you can learn his/her behavior in different social contexts.

2. Observe how your partner handles stress

See how your partner reacts in the face of tough decisions and stress.

3. Develop opportunities for your partner to open up

Ask questions during conversations to help you understand him/ her better. (E.g. Ask your partner about his/her childhood, thoughts, opinions, on things, etc.)

4. Take an interest in your partner’s emotional & physical health

Find out how your partner is feeling and be sensitive to those feelings. Knowing about his/her interests, family and cultural background can help you understand more about his/her social and emotional condition and physical health.

*Build your relationship

When your martial relationship is developed to its full potential, it is immensely satisfying and enriching for both of you.

*Ways to develop your relationship:

1. Building trust
Confide and share with each other your hopes and fears. This helps create and maintain an atmosphere of trust, love and sensitivity in which both of you can learn more about each other.

2. Sharing confidences
Sharing your inner thoughts and feelings with each other will bring your relationship beyond the superficial level. It will also help you be sensitive to the needs and aspirations of your partner.

3. Handling differences
Understand the differences between you and your partner and learn to accept them. You should also define your roles and expectations early so that conflicts won’t arise later on.

4. Resolving disagreements
Be constructive when you deal with disagreements and don’t put each other down. Try seeing the positive value of being different.





Saturday, January 20, 2007

Sex in Marriage...

Sex is an integral part of a marital relationship. It is important to discuss the way sex affects the relationship between you and your spouse and discover ways to make it a mutually pleasurable and meaningful experience.

However, you shouldn’t be obsessed with the importance of sex, to the extent that both of you feel inadequate and unfulfilled when you do not have sex regularly and enthusiastically.

Some myths about sex in marriage:
- Sex is everything in marriage.
- Sexual satisfaction is an indication of marital satisfaction.
- Sex is for procreation.
- Sex techniques will improve sex life.
- Sexual desire will never change.
- There are universal standards for sexual activity.


The phases in the human sexual response cycle

1. The foreplay phase

Foreplay gives mutual excitement and prepares you and you partner for sexual intercourse. Initiating foreplay in a clean, comfortable and romantically decorated and lit environment helps set the stage for sex.

Mental intimacy through the sharing of loving words and emotions will further build the romantic ambiance for your sexual experience.

You can also increase sexual pleasure and desirability by keeping clean, hygienic and attractive for your partner. Try to shower and wash regularly to make the sexual encounter more pleasant.

2. Excitement phase

Gentle caressing, kissing, massaging and stimulation of erogenous areas are signals for the beginnings of sexual encounters. These actions allow the body to maintain and intensify sexual arousal and set the stage for climax.

Understand that it is normal for women to take a longer time to be aroused when compared to men.

During this phase, mental or physical distractions can discourage the build-up of sexual excitement in both sexes. This may eventually lead to loss of sexual energy and the man’s erection may subside.

3. Climax phase

Sometimes called “orgasm” or “coming”, this phase is characterized by intense physical sensations and pleasure that last for only a few seconds followed by rapid relaxation.

For both sexes, orgasm results in an involuntary response that may include muscle spasms or cramps. The man will ejaculate semen from the penis while the woman may have increased vaginal secretions and an intensely pleasurable feeling, usually at the clitoris and around the pelvis.

Psychologically, the orgasm is usually an intense and pleasurable personal experience. It is experienced differently by people and varies even for the same individual.

4. Recovery phase

While most women are capable of multiple orgasms, men usually find it difficult to experience another orgasm within a short period of time. So it is important for the husband to be sensitive to the needs of the wife and continue lovemaking with her if she so desires.

After the orgasm, your body will relax as the sexual flush and heavy breathing subsides. Men may sometimes continue to feel aches in the testes and women my experience pelvic congestion during this recovery period. Your recovery may take longer if you did not achieve orgasm.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Depression in Marriage...

One of the many killers of marital intimacy is a silent one, but is very deadly. It's "depression."

Depression: The Silent Killer of Marital Intimacy
-by Dr. Todd E. Linaman

Everyone longs for—and needs—intimacy. Intimacy in marriage exists when a husband and wife allow each other to experience everything they have to offer physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually without fear of criticism, judgment or rejection. Without intimacy a marriage cannot thrive and will struggle even to survive.

Some of the more common threats to marital intimacy include parenting, financial stress, unresolved anger, and unforgiveness. But the "silent killer" that often goes unaddressed is Depression. Both men and women are susceptible, women are twice as likely to suffer from symptoms as men are. One of every four women will experience at least one depressive episode in their lifetime.

Studies reveal that Depression can be both the cause and the result of marital problems and dissatisfaction. It can also cause people in otherwise happy marriages to perceive themselves and their relationship in negative ways. For example, if a husband comes home late from work, a depressed woman may perceive his lateness as a sign that he no longer cares for her when, in reality, it was a simple matter of his boss detaining him to finish a project.

As a result of her assumptions, she may avoid him when he arrives home. This may cause him to feel isolated or rejected, and he may react by finding excuses not to spend time at home. Unless the silence is broken, the cycle of negative perceptions and rejection will destroy intimacy in the relationship.

It's normal to experience feelings of disappointment and discouragement for brief periods of time. However, many people experience these symptoms, as well as others, for longer periods of time without recognizing it for what it really is— Depression.

Symptoms and Causes of Depression: Symptoms can range from mild to severe, lasting from a few hours to a few years. Mild symptoms include fatigue, irritability, sadness, decreased motivation and pessimism. More serious symptoms include feelings of worthlessness or guilt, emotional isolation, changes in eating and sleeping habits, loss of interest in activities that were once enjoyable, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, low self-esteem, negative thinking patterns, recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.

Depression can be caused by difficult and traumatic life circumstances such as the death of a loved one, a separation, the loss of a job or unresolved marital problems. It can be the result of prolonged periods of stress, personality traits, heredity factors, biochemical changes, and sleep deprivation. Regardless of what may trigger Depression, it is ultimately the result of changes that occur in the brain's chemistry. A deficiency of certain neurotransmitters, such as serotonin and nor epinephrine, is what causes a person to experience the symptoms of depression.

Although women are more likely to experience Depression in general, some women are more vulnerable than others. A recent study revealed that women with exposure to childhood adversity such as family violence, parental alcoholism, death of a parent, or parental discord or divorce are more likely to become depressed following stress than women without such adversity. Women who experience what are referred to as humiliating life events, like infidelity on the part of their husband, threats of marital separation or divorce, or physical violence are six times more likely to experience a major depressive episode.

Other facts : Today's women suffer from depression 10 times more often than their grandmothers did. Younger women are at a greater risk for depression than ever before. Nearly one out of three women 18-24 will experience Depression. Women with siblings or parents who have suffered from Depression have a 20-25% greater chance of becoming depressed themselves.

Keys to Overcoming Depression and Keeping Your Marriage Strong: As is true of any illness, prevention is the best medicine. Here are some strategies for preventing and or defeating depression while keeping your marriage strong:

• Maintain a healthy lifestyle. A balanced diet and adequate rest will help stabilize brain chemistry. Regular exercise releases endorphins, which are natural mood elevators.

• Learning to say "no" to activities and responsibilities that have the potential of creating overload is the first step to creating balance in your life.

• Seek professional help as early as possible. Begin by talking to your family physician or a Christian counselor about possible treatment options.

• Confide in your spouse or a close friend. It's important to let someone know exactly how you're feeling.

Educate yourself and your spouse about depression. Having an awareness of the signs and symptoms, understanding its potential impact in your life and knowing what treatment options are available to you can greatly help to minimize negative consequences.

Address problems in your marriage or personal life as they arise. Avoiding or ignoring problems will not make them go away or easier to cope with.

Take one hour "vacations" at least three times a week. Give yourself permission to spend at least three separate hours per week doing something that you really enjoy.

Take your focus off yourself. When we begin to feel discouraged or sad it's easy to dwell on the circumstances we believe are responsible for our negative feelings. Place your focus on someone who would benefit from your time and attention.

Maintaining companionship, affection and harmony in your relationship will not only provide you with personal fulfillment and satisfaction, but it will also strengthen, guard and preserve your marriage. By understanding the potential impact of Depression and knowing how to effectively address its symptoms, you will be better prepared to combat the silent killer of marital intimacy.


Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Love Accepts Many Imperfections...


Is there some small habit your spouse does that really irritates you? And then to make matters worse when you tell them how much it bothers you, they still do it? It can really be frustrating sometimes to live with someone under those conditions...But LOVE does not demand perfection from one's mate. There are some things that your mate either cannot or will not change. These I am calling imperfections. They may not be moral in nature but are simply things that you do not like.

In marriage you will discover things that you do not like about your mate. The first course of action is to request change (If you can change, why not do so? It is a small matter to make your partner happy.) However, I can assure you that there are some things that your mate either cannot or will not change. This is the point at which
" love accepts many imperfections." You decided where the point of acceptance will come.

We all need to remember there was only one who
is perfect. The rest of us need grace forgiveness and understanding. We can assure you that whatever "imperfection" your spouse has that irritates you today won't matter in eternity. So, rather than spend trying to change them into what you want them to become, accept them, learn to live together in harmony.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Loving The Unlovable Husband....

It is easy to live in harmony when your husband is treating you well. But what if he's not? How do you treat your husband when he is unloving and moody?

Have you and your husband ever been in the following cycle? He raises his voice; you raise yours. He becomes louder; you retaliate.

This is an endless cycle, but the dynamics of it can be broken quickly if you no longer react.

If your husband is short-tempered and impatient, try remaining silent in love. Stop participating in the vicious cycle of "he gets angry; I get angry." Choose not to react during heated times. Wait until your husband has cooled down or is more rested before discussing things.

Ask yourself, "Why is my husband moody and sharp with me?" Often the answer is that you are simply catching the overflow of what happened to him at work, or with some other problem. Is this fair? No, but life isn't always fair. Consider other possibilities as well: Is he stressed about something in particular? Is he fatigued due to extra hours he's putting in at work? Is he going through a difficult time with someone?

Don't be so sensitive that you let your feelings and emotions be set by another's treatment of you. Don't be judgmental or unfriendly. Don't allow you’re self to be too easily wounded, crushed, or hurt. Guard against bitterness and being quick to forgive.

Every time you act in a loving way toward your husband, it becomes more and more a part of your natural response. What you're doing is training your mind to think in a new way, and each successive attempt becomes easier.


Saturday, January 13, 2007

Ten Commandments for Husband and wives....

Ten Commandments for the Twentieth Century Husband

1.
Thou shalt put thy wife before they mother, thy father, thy son, and thy daughter, for thy wife is thy lifelong companion.

2. Abuse not thy body by overeating, by tobacco, or drink, that thy days may be many and healthful in the presence of thy loved ones.
3. Permit neither thy business nor thy hobby to make of thee a stranger to thy children, for the most precious gift a man giveth his family is his time.
4. Forget not the virtue of cleanliness.
5. Make not thy wife a beggar, but share willingly with her thy worldly goods.
6. Forget not to say "I love you," for even though thy love be constant thy wife doth yearn to hear these words.
7. Remember that the approval of thy wife is worth more than the admiring glances of a hundred strangers. Cleave unto her and forsake all others.
8. Keep thy home in good repair, for out of it cometh the joys of old age.
9. Forgive with grace, for who among us does not need to be forgiven?
10. Honor the Lord all the days of thy life, and thy children will rise up and call thee blessed.

Ten Commandments for Wives

1. Carefully guard thine health so thou canst always greet thy husband with a smile.
2. Never nag or complain.
3. Do not worry about things which thou canst not change.
4. Do not spend all thy time scrubbing, cleaning, and dusting the house.
5. Love thine husband and children more than thy house.
6. Know how to prepare good, nutritious food and keep it on the table.
7. Know the limitations of thy husband's income and do not try to keep up with others.
8. Do not buy a hat or hairdo or wig that makes thy husband unhappy.
9. Remember that at times silence is golden.
10. Do not drive the automobile from back or side seat.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Misunderstanding, Miscommunications Between Husband and Wives….

A marriage can only be as good as the communication between the husband and wives. Good communication is vital to healthy marriage. As wives, we desire to have a close relationship with our husband, but, unfortunately, we sabotage it by what we say and how we say it.

Defensiveness seems to be the hardest thing for us. It comes from an attitude that says "My way is the best way." We don't listen to what each other has to say. Instead, we formulate our response while he/she is speaking. And the misunderstanding begins.

There a lot of time that husband says something that hurts the feeling of her wife and he done the same thing a thousand times, without any regard for he makes her wife feels. The wife decided to harden her heart. She will think that her husband doesn’t care so why should she even bother talking to him about it. Then miscommunication start.

This are the common reasons why husband and wives always have misunderstanding that cause to miscommunication.

Showing Respect is the way to avoid misunderstanding between husband and wife. Respect each other in though (the heart), word (your speech), and deed (your action).

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Unfaithful husband/wife...

Why Do Men and Women Cheat?

What causes husbands and wives cheat, we also know quite a bit about the type of men and women who are likely to cheat…we called it Infidelity…basically when it comes to infidelity there are explanations given.

First... Spouse cheat because of the problems in their relationship…something missing, passion has faded, partners feel lonely, people find someone who treats them better or appreciates them more than their current spouse, and so on…..

Second… This explanation ignores the reason that people “give” for cheating and looks deeper into human nature…

Catching a cheating partner is difficult because cheaters have an affair advantage when it comes to infidelity. In fact, most infidelity goes undetected, or unproven, because the rules of the game tend to favor those who cheat….

Most people have strong desire to believe what partner has to say. Trusting a partner creates a sense of security and comfort. No one really wants to think that spouse may be lying, especially when it comes to infidelity. So, rather than assume the worst, it’s often easier to believe a “pleasant lie” than causes a faithful spouse the most pain.

And cheating spouse take advantage of this. Cheaters often exploit their partner’s desire to trust by telling their partners exactly what they want to hear (“I would never cheat you”)

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Long-distance love..


ANY marriage that succeeds is a blessing. It's easy to get lost in the everyday trials that sabotage some unions. But there are many couples who overcome those challenges and perhaps hurdle an even greater obstacle--long-distance love.

The goodbyes are always the most hurting and troublesome, the tearful farewell and the emotional goodbyes at the Airport…it is the hard part between couple. You have to sacrifice something for the future.

There are days when you’re lonely; there are moments when you’re long for a touch instead of a call. Still bond endures. Whether separated by an ocean or an outlook, the shortest distance between two hearts, they say, is LOVE.

The most important thing to maintain a long distance love is through communication. Share to your husband your daily routine, daily success, etc. You both need to feel like you’re talking each other like you were together instead of miles away. When a break in the communication occurs you need to find out where it is coming from, and why, fairly quickly. In your situation could there be other factors that may be making him feel distant or distracted? Could he be having an exceptionally hard time at work? Get him to talk about it with you... Remember, every relationship has its ups and downs. The key is just getting through them…as long that LOVE is still there….

Monday, January 8, 2007

Love and Respect...





The Bible says in:

Ephesians 5:33 that husbands are to love their wives, and wives are to respect their husbands.



Seems easy enough, right?
But this commonly cited verse makes a point that's often overlooked, a point that is central to the crazy cycle: Men and women differ when it comes to their deepest relational needs.



If a husband's deepest need (respect) and a wife's deepest need (love) are fulfilled, their relationship is able to flourish. But when these needs are unmet, the cycle begins.



So, why this craziness? When a woman feels unloved, she reacts in a way that may seem disrespectful to her husband. He then reacts to this disrespect in ways that feel unloving to his wife. The more she complains and criticizes, the more he shuts down and stonewalls.



The message she's trying to send is that she feels unloved at that moment," But she will react in very negative ways that, in the male arena, feel disrespectful. She isn't trying to be disrespectful, but is feeling unloved. Sadly, he may not decode that."



So, how do you stop the "crazy cycle" once it's started?



As any married couple eventually discovers, romantic feelings don't exist everyday. It takes effort to keep a marriage strong, to keep minor disagreements from becoming major ones, to favor sweet words and tender glances over harsh comments and contemptuous glares.



A husband can feel disrespected but appear unloving. This is why things get crazy! Our negative appearances work against us...all you have to do is learn this crazy cycle, and when you see the spirit of your spouse deflate, trust . . . that you’ve said something that appears unloving or disrespectful. Then go back and say, 'Did I come across as unloving/disrespectful? I'm sorry, will you forgive me?' That works almost every time."



When husbands and wives put this fundamental concept into practice. To that end, he and his wife started the Love and Respect Marriage ....

Marriage -- A Many-Splendored, Sometimes Splintered, Thing

I created this site for those who wants to enter into a new faces of life...Called MARRIAGE.....

Marriage is still the prominent partnered relationship in our culture , and the negative stereotypes of marriage portrayed in movies and on television. Although one of every two new marriages end in divorce, many couples feel the ideal situation is one man and one woman committed to a life-long marital relationship. And many such couples sincerely vow to remain in their marriage "til death do us part."

A number of stumbling blocks inevitably arise to challenge the couple's best intentions. For example, young couples often fail to see things realistically. Caught up in the romance and in the excitement of wedding plans, many couples are unable to envision what their relationship will be like on a routine, day-to-day basis. For those anticipating a Cinderella-like happily-ever-after storybook marriage year after year, disappointment is likely to come sooner or later. Conflict, crises, and daily hassles are part of virtually every marriage relationship.

Discussing important issues like money, children, role expectations, sex, and in-laws before marriage will help set the stage for a smoother relationship. The single most accurate word to describe what happens in a new marriage is "change." Anything which can be done to help prepare for the inevitable changes of marriage is a good investment in the relationship.

Adapting to Change

Change produces stress. When confronted with change of any kind we are required to adapt to that change in some way. Although a lot of changes involved in getting married are seen as positive changes, they still produce stress. To build an effective relationship we must learn how to adapt to change and cope with stress.

Judith Wallerstein, in her book entitled The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts, says that the common thread characterizing good marriages is flexibility. Couples who have the ability to adapt to unexpected change plus a "marvelous facility for looking down the road" and anticipating the potholes and detours of life are more likely to have a strong and lasting relationship.

Some of the more obvious changes and differences which most couples will have to face include:

*Change in lifestyle. Newlyweds may not be able to have the same level of prosperity in their marriage that they enjoyed while living with their family of origin. It is very possible that the couple will have to struggle and gradually work their way up to a standard of living that is satisfactory to both persons. More than likely that is exactly what their parent/s had to do.

*Change in location. Today's couples are highly mobile. There is the possibility that jobs for either you or your spouse will require that you move away from your hometown and away from where your family lives. While there is a degree of sadness involved in such a move, many couples find new places and new people to be fun and exciting.

*Change of friends. Whether you stay in your present location or move away, there is a good chance that you will lose contact with many of your old friends. Getting married changes your social status. You will probably get acquainted and make friends with other married couples, rather than socialize with your single friends as much. Also, you and your spouse may have had a different circle of friends prior to getting married and neither of you feels close to the other's friends.

*Differences in the way you do things. Before you get very far into the marriage, you will probably find that your personal habits and traditions are somewhat different from those of your new spouse. They may involve things as simple as where you squeeze the toothpaste tube, rinsing the tub after your shower, or whether to fold underwear before putting it in the drawer. Or they may involve things of greater importance to you, such as birthday or anniversary celebrations. For example, you may enjoy lavish parties while your spouse thinks a card and a pizza will suffice.

*Differences of opinion. No matter how much alike you think you and your spouse are, you won't always see eye to eye on every subject or issue. You may have different opinions on things which directly affect your family, such as child-rearing, money management, or religious preference. Or you may have separate views on politics and world events. Having differences of opinion doesn't make either of you wrong, just different.

*Change in attitude. After you are married, you or your spouse may experience some attitude change. You may view your world and your relationship a little less idealistically. That doesn't mean doom and gloom; it just means that you are maturing and you see more of the realities of living on your own as a married couple. Some things about your spouse may also seem less than ideal after a while.

*Changes in personality. Many of the changes in your new spouse's personality may be more perceived than real. You may only be able to see the real personality after you are married. Prior to marriage, each of you may have worked really hard at impressing the other, including pretending to be something you're not. After getting married, many couples think they can "let their hair down" and stop pretending. It appears to be an abrupt personality change.

*Change in appearance. Sometimes a partner looks different from what you are used to seeing. Before marriage, your spouse may have always been neat, clean, and well-groomed. As a married couple, however, you see each other under every conceivable circumstance and the appearance will sometimes be sloppy. Changes in appearance will occur as you age, especially if you have health problems.

*Different expectations. Both you and your spouse will enter marriage with a set of expectations, some of which will be quite different from the other's. You may expect that the romance will never fade in your relationship; your spouse may not be naturally romantic. Each of you have expectations regarding various roles you will play in the marriage. The woman may expect that she will have a career, and the household chores will be shared equally between herself and her husband. The man, however, may be somewhat traditional and may see cooking and cleaning as his wife's responsibility. Role expectations are not as clear cut in as they once were. Each couple would be wise to communicate honestly about marital expectations before the wedding takes place.

*Having children. The choice of whether to have children also is an important decision which needs to be carefully discussed prior to entering marriage. Also to be considered are the number of children desired and the timing of their arrival. While children can bring a sense of joy and fulfillment to many couples, they are also a tremendous and costly responsibility. And the presence of children will strongly affect the dynamics of the couple's relationship, both positively and negatively.

Realistic Expectations

Many, if not most, expectations for marriage are based on idealized myths. If realities within a relationship do not match the myth, one or both partners may think they have made a terrible mistake. A few of the myths about marriage are:

MYTH: A good marriage will always be romantic.

REALITY: Virtually all relationships experience peaks and valleys. Sometimes, the realities of married life will often cloud over romantic feelings. Scott Peck, in his book "The Road Less Traveled, stated -- "Every couple falls in love; every couple falls out of love." Just because the feelings of love are not always present doesn't necessarily mean a lack of love; love is more of a choice than a feeling.

MYTH: Marriage will make me happy.

REALITY: A marriage partner does not have the power or ability to make another person happy. A person's sense of happiness must come from deep inside himself. Relationship in marriage has the potential of complementing individual happiness and well-being, but it cannot be the primary source.


MYTH: If we really love each other, everything else will fall into place.

REALITY: Marriage needs constant nurturing. Because of individual, societal, and environmental changes, marriage is always in a state of flux; it is a dynamic relationship rather than a static one. Constant sensitivity to one another's needs and continual adaptation to relational changes are necessary to keep love alive.

MYTH: My partner should intuitively know my needs.


REALITY: Regardless of a spouse's intelligence or personal strengths, she does not have the ability to read her partner's mind. Needs for security, affection, emotional support, encouragement, or physical assistance often must be verbalized in clear language, sometimes repeatedly. If the need is something the spouse can realistically provide, she must first know the need exists.

MYTH: Conflict means a lack of love.

REALITY: Conflict is inevitable, but it doesn't have to be damaging to the marriage relationship. Partners have different viewpoints and different feelings based on their background and previous experiences. Those differences do not mean that one partner is right and the other wrong; it just means they are not alike in their thoughts or feelings. Conflict, when dealt with appropriately, can be healthy for a relationship in that new ideas and new ways of looking at things are introduced to each partner and to the relationship.

Finances

Few couples, especially in the early years of marriage, are independently wealthy. That means a lot of decisions must be made in relationship to money. Some potentially volatile questions pertaining to a couple's finances include:

1. Who earns the money, one or both?
2. How will the money be spent?
3. Who will manage the checkbook?
4. What is each person's attitude about credit spending?
5. How much should be saved?
6.Should the couple buy a house, or rent?

7. What is communal property and what belongs to each?

These questions are only examples of the kinds of financial issues with which married couples have to struggle. According to marriage counselors, conflict over money is one of the primary reasons given by couples for seeking professional help. Serious conflict may be avoided, however, if attitudes and philosophies about finances are clearly communicated prior to marriage, and continually during the marriage.

Sexual Adjustment

Sexual attraction plays a major part in bringing two people together and leading to marriage. A major component of continued satisfaction in marriage is a quality sexual relationship. A mutually satisfying sexual relationship, however, does not just happen automatically. As with other aspects of personality, a partner's sexuality is individual. Each person should approach the sexual relationship with respect and understanding for the other. Some general observations and considerations about the sexual relationship might include the following:

*Sexual relationship and other aspects of marital life are interrelated, meaning that conflict or intense concern over money, for example, can detract from sexual interest.

*Each partner may have different ideas about what is "right" and what is "wrong" in sex life. In reality, there are no "rights" or "wrongs" in sexual activity between a couple, except what each may believe to be acceptable or unacceptable behavior. Personal beliefs should be honored and respected.

*As is mutually agreeable between the two partners, it is a good idea to experiment with ways to keep the sexual relationship from becoming boring or routine.

*Try not to be overly influenced by sexuality portrayed in the media, movies, or television. Only you and your partner can decide what is acceptable and satisfying for the two of you. Don't try to fit your relationship into someone else's idea of what is "normal" sexual behavior.

*Continue to learn more about your partner than about specific sex techniques. Maleness and femaleness is mysterious; try to be open to learn about that mystery.

*Some make sex a weapon in dealing with other conflicts in their relationship. Doing so magnifies the original problem, and can lead to sexual problems as well.

As with other issues in the marriage partnership, a satisfying sex life depends a great deal on open channels of communication. Try to deal with conflict situations as they arise, so they won't have an adverse effect on your sexual relationship. It is difficult to be romantic or sexually responsive when other conflictual issues are pending. Don't be afraid to discuss your sex life with your partner. Share with him or her your likes, dislikes, feelings, desires, fantasies, etc. Share and learn together.

Marrying the Whole Family -- In-laws

Like it or not, marrying someone usually involves the formation of several relationships other than the husband-wife union. A person entering marriage automatically gains a father-in-law, a mother-in-law, sisters- or brothers-in-law, plus a variety of extended family members related to your new spouse. Although you don't technically marry the whole family, your relationship to your spouse may be largely affected by how well you get along with his/her family. Realistically, it is important to remember that your spouse will likely reflect the values, attitudes, personality, and behaviors which you observe in his/her parent and grandparent generations.

Helpful hints for a positive relationship with your new family might include:

*Respect your in-laws as family members of the spouse you love.
*Don't compare your spouse's family with your own.
*Don't run to your own parents for support when you have conflict with your spouse.
*Don't direct anger you may feel for your spouse toward his or her family.
*Establish a family atmosphere that avoids a contest between your two families for your time, attention and affection.
*Treat both families equally and fairly.
*As a couple, try to establish as much independence from both families as possible. For example, it may create conflict to borrow money from in-laws.

References:


Kramer, Patricia (1995). Making love last. Family Information Services, 32.
Wallerstein, Judith & Sandra Blakeslee (1995), The good marriage: How and why love lasts. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company.
Peck, Scott (1978). The road less traveled : a new psychology of love, traditional values, and spiritual growth. New York : Simon and Schuster

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