The Main 7 Reasons Behind A Broken Marriage

So will it be at all right to say that most marriages today fail? Or is it the people in a marriage who fail each other? In depth studies of human relationships and psychology has pointed out 7 main reasons behind a broken marriage. They are:

* Lack of communication- It is said that people in love; tend to understand each other’s unspoken words also. If that is considered to be true, then why does lack of communication play guilty in breaking up a marriage? Two people living under the same roof can’t survive without sharing and caring for each other. If either of them turns a deaf ear to the other’s problems and necessities, then that person is left with no other choice to think differently. People living in society, can’t survive alone and if you are unable to communicate with your own life partner who has vowed to share his/her life with you, then no one can save a marriage from falling to pieces.

* Suspicion, jealousy, possessiveness, professional rivalry- This is a very common issue that plays a crucial role in breaking up marriages. Suspicion is a figment of your mind, a disease which has no cure. Once it gets into a relationship, it starts degrading it slowly. It’s an unconscious behavior on the part of an individual which often results out of lack of confidence and insecurity. The only solution lies in them being supportive and open minded.

* Ignorance- One main reason why a marriage breaks up is ignorance. Many people are ignorant of the seriousness of this commitment and prefer to visualize it through rose tinted glasses. Such thoughts are of the immature mind, but marriages made under such misconceptions, rarely survive the hardships of life.

* Uneven social status- It might happen that circumstances lead to a marriage taking place between two families with different status levels. In such cases, adjustment often makes the marriage work out. But where one or both fails to adjust or accept the social change, the relationship tends to fall apart.

* Mental incompatibility- Human psyche is something that needs years of study. For a marriage to be successful, mental compatibility is a necessary. Like minded people tend to click each other better. However, understanding each other plays a crucial role yet again in this.

* Absence of time and bonding- Life becomes beautiful and worth living with its small moments. The moments of togetherness are what two people can share and cherish for a lifetime. But these small moments get lost in the crowd of mundane necessities. The urge to live a better life, the rat race to success leaves very little time for couples to spend time with each other and to bond. Gradually, they become strangers living under the same roof and somewhere the knot loosens.

* Family issues- Adaptability to circumstances and a little bit of compromise are the key ingredients behind a successful marriage. Whether it is a nuclear or a joint family, the bonding is necessary. But in some families, excessive interference of other family members in the matters of a couple leads to tension.

Marriage Separation and Consequences

Formal or Informal Marriage Separation

A couple can seek legal separation (separate maintenance) by a court or informal separation, which eliminates costly expenses, including attorney and court costs. During time of separation, a couple can either reconcile any differences or may proceed onto the next step seeking a legal divorce. Most states require a couple legally separated by residing in different location at all times, which does not include separate bedrooms in the same house. A couple living apart does not constitute a legal separation. Some countries or states require a prerequisite of a legal separation for period of time, before filing for a legal divorce. Some couples can resolve their difference mutually during a separation by written agreement, which is drafted by a lawyer. However, desertion is different from a separation, which is recognized by courts, when one of the parties leaves without the intention of returning. Contrary, "Constructive desertion" occurs when one of the parties, forces the other person to leave. In such a situation, a court does not penalize a defendant for leaving, for their own protection or that of a child.

A couple may seek a trial separation, which is easily reversible then a legal separation, and hopefully through counseling will resolve problems. Resolving problems during an informal separation, does not involve the costly expense for hiring attorneys. Hopefully mutual equitable solutions can be ascertained, regarding working arrangements, possession of car, bank accounts, credit cards, child custody or any other personal items or matters. However, property division would require legal advise from an attorney. During this time, a couple can live together, but not necessarily sleep in the same room or bed. A formal separation despite being a costly expense, incurring time and pain, maybe be necessary, when a couple cannot resolve their differences. The process and procedures for obtaining a legal separation is the same for "Dissolution of Marriage," except the couple is still married. A court will govern what will happen during a legal separation, regarding issues of property division, child custody, alimony or spousal support, (If their incomes are substantially different). Typically, a court will have the power to resolve as part of a legal separation, any and all issues, that would be normally be resolved in a divorce. A marital settlement agreement is signed by both parties, and becomes a valid legal contract that is enforceable, if any terms are violated. A marital settlement is recognized in all states. A martial settlement agreement is not a divorce and cannot legally end a marriage. The terms of a separation agreement may be changed through a separate written agreement. Any part of a settlement agreement, regarding parenting and support of children, must be reviewed by a court, which ensures rights of the children adhere to their best interests.

A couple that is legally separated, may either live together or live in separate residences, for any number of reasons, including can't tolerate living together, continue receiving medical insurance by the other's spouse's company, and some religious beliefs prohibit divorce, but allow a legal separation, couple can live apart. Sometimes spouses may wish to remain legally separated, long enough to qualify in order to receive Social Security or military pension benefits, prior to a divorce. Any time during the process for obtaining a legal separation, either party may request the court to convert the proceedings, into dissolution of marriage or divorce. Most jurisdictions require a waiting or "cooling off" period, before a court will issue a divorce judgment. Beware, after a person obtains a final Decree of Legal Separation, they must go back to the court and file Petition For Dissolution of Marriage, if the legal separation wants to be changed to a final divorce.

When a couple seeks a separation, the person moving out, should consider the following: If the couple is living in a rental community, the person moving out, should remove their name off the lease and utility bills ( gas, electricity, phone, cable,

trash, paper, etc.), because you maybe held liable for any unpaid past due payments. Forward your mail to a post office box, close friend, relative or new permanent home address. Make copies of all tax records for the past six years. Beware any past taxes due are still your responsibility. Make a note of all address, phone numbers, account information, pension accounts, bank and credit accounts, insurance policies, and any other financial paperwork, that maybe divided during the separation or legal divorce. Place a freeze on all joint credit accounts, which prevents you from incurring debts, if your spouse fails to make any future payments. List all items in a safety deposit (preferable take pictures), which maybe divided later and take any personal items. Pack up all personal belongs, including: Clothing, medicine, family heirlooms, mementos, and any items you personal purchased yourself or received as a personal gift.

Certain states have their own laws regarding legal separation or do not recognize that status. According to Colorado law, parties who have been granted a decree of legal separation do not lose their inheritance rights. The state of Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Mississippi, Pennsylvania, and Texas do not accept or can't file for a legal separation. However, in the state of Florida, child support and alimony must be paid during a separation. In the state of New York, one year after filing of the Court's judgment of separation, either spouse may sue for "no-fault" divorce, based upon one year of living apart.


Couples should review their insurance coverage, regarding when coverage may be terminated, in the event of a legal separation.

Two Step Process in Marriage Separation

Perhaps the most difficult part of a divorce is the initial separation. This is because there is usually great emotional pain associated with the breakdown of a marriage. Marital Separation is a TWO STEP PROCESS: -

1. The decision to separate; and
2. The actual physical separation itself.

Neither step is easy, especially if the desire to separate is not a mutual one.

Even if both parties know that the marriage has been rocky for some time, one party announcing to the other that he or she wants a divorce, can still be quite devastating. It means that in spite of the promises made to each other when they first got married, this person is effectively saying that they don't love or want the other person anymore.

Rejection is seldom pleasant, depending on how you react to it. It certainly disturbs a person's emotional well being and can be extremely damaging and debilitating if you let it.

Where the decision to separate is yours, you are likely to be more prepared psychologically for the news than your partner. These days, lots of women are "choosing" to separate and divorce rather than tolerate a rocky marriage. They are no longer happy in the relationship and are not willing to settle for less. These women often have the advantage, over other women, of being financially independent of the other spouse.

Even where the decision to separate does come from you, it will probably be as a result of a lot of soul-searching, heartache and agony. Such important decisions are seldom made lightly and often come at critical times in a marriage.

Some couples simply grow apart. Others were not well suited to begin with. It may be that the relationship has merely reached its "use-by date". We should not beat ourselves over the head or necessarily feel guilty. It is a pretty big order to expect two young people, in love, to make a decision to separate.

We should not beat ourselves over the head or necessarily feel guilty. It is a pretty big order to make a pledge to one another for life when they so often lack, because of their young years, the life experience to be fully informed of what is involved to really make a marriage work, for life. It should also be remembered that there are only two people in the world who truly understand the sexes unfortunately, nobody knows who they are!!

Can Your Marriage Survive a Crisis?

Crisis Can Strengthen or Rupture a Marriage

The true test of a marriage's strength comes through crisis: death, illness, unemployment or other personal disasters. During these difficult times a couple either learns to lean on each other, or they simply isolate and the fabric of the relationship comes unravelled. Why?

Many people were never adequately prepared to deal with adversity. When faced with a spouses disability, or the illness or loss of a child, they simply refuse to deal with reality and abandon the situation. Others play the blame game. If only you had, if you listened, and on and on, they
unload their grief and anger on each other.

How does a couple avoid the pitfalls inherent in such situations? First, avoid the temptation to cast blame. It is too easy when emotions are running high to lash out in anger. Try and recognize and validate your partner's feelings. Let each other know how much you need each other. Put off any sort of intensive talks until the situation has calmed down.

Don't isolate from your partner. Let each other know what you are feeling and why. There is no shame in expressing grief and hurt. Men are particularly good at trying to keep a stiff upper lip, and internalizing their emotions. They often need the reassurance that we don't think any less of them for crying or showing grief. This can be a very moving and profound moment in your marriage. Very often, a man, once he's been given permission to express his deepest feelings, will find himself much more open and loving in all other areas of his relationship with his wife.

If sudden unemployment is the issue, sit down and calmly discuss options and plans to weather the financial loss. Complaining about it or casting aspersions on your partner's abilities as a wage earner is cruel and counterproductive. Reassure him/her that something positive will come of
this, and you both will work through this together.

The marriage vows state for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. If your loved one is diagnosed with a chronic illness, it will place great stress on the marriage. Enormous sensitivity is called for in dealing with this issue

Use crisis situations to deepen and intensify the love you have for each other. Instead of avoiding or fighting the situation, go through it step by step, side by side. Your marriage will deepen and build layers of rich complexity as a result.

Self Analysis: Have you ever faced a truly difficult situation together? How did the both of you handle it?

Emotional Infidelity: Top 10 Signs of Emotional Infidelity

Emotional infidelity is the new fad on the internet and is appropriately titled cyber cheating.Many homes have one to two computers making it easy to carry on an emotional affair without the partner ever knowing. It's convenient, cheap and fun! A person can learn a lot about an internet stranger by communicating through a few emails, texts or chats, all without the embarrassment of meeting in person.

The sharing of personal information with strangers online is commonplace on the internet. Personal details are shared on chat boards, personal websites, blogs, message boards and porn sites. Emotional infidelity is an infidelity that occurs through emotions, feelings or thoughts, rather than physical in nature. With the increase in technology through the internet and cell phones, the traditional term of infidelity has become broader to include thoughts and/or feelings. Emotional infidelity can include anything from texting someone intimately via cell phone to emailing intimate correspondence, exchanging personal photos or viewing pornography.


According to an on-going poll of over 1,000 women conducted by http://www.WomanSavers.com, about 51 percent of women believed that viewing porn was emotional cheating. In a similar WomanSaver�s poll, 63 percent of all women felt that online affairs constituted infidelity. The main difference between physical infidelity and emotional infidelity is physical contact. Physical infidelity involves people meeting directly and then engaging in physical intimacy. Emotional infidelity can occur in distant locations with absolutely no physical contact occurring. The primary difference between traditional cheating and emotional infidelity is actual, physical contact. With emotional infidelity, there may be a meeting, but it can occur on a cell phone or a computer. Some people who emotionally cheat don�t consider the act to be a true form of infidelity because there is no physical contact. Others see no difference between physical and emotional infidelity because emotional infidelity has the same basic behavioral actions as traditional infidelity.

When actor Brad Pitt became emotionally involved with Angelina Jolie on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith,it was only a matter of time before their emotional infidelity led to physical infidelity, resulting in a divorce between he and Jennifer Anniston. When a person cheats, they flirt and seduce another regardless of whether they are in physical contact or not. The problem results when the partner pays emotional or physical attention to someone other than their mate.

In another poll conducted by http://www.WomanSavers.com, over 70 percent of all women felt that emotional affairs could lead to physical affairs. An emotional affair can begin quite innocently and as time passes the information two people exchange becomes more intimate. As the trust factor increases, so does the curiosity, which many times ends up in a physical meeting.

When a person is not getting their emotional needs met in a relationship, they seek it from someone who will give it to them. All people want to be loved, acknowledged, validated and needed. Humans want to be desired. If those needs aren't getting met through their partner, they go online and find someone who meets their needs and begin cyber cheating. There are plenty of strangers online who will fulfill those needs, especially if deceit is involved. Many people lie to the online strangers in order to get the attention they think they deserve. The person may tell the stranger how mean and distant their partner is so the stranger feels pity for them. Many married people tell online strangers they are separated or divorcing when this is far from the truth.

With the ease of meeting new people through the internet and through various communication devices, the number of people engaged in emotional infidelity and cyber cheating will increase. However, it is important for the parties engaging in the communications to consider the consequences and pain these acts may have on their partner. A good way to determine what is and what is not acceptable is to ask yourself if you would be okay with your partner engaging in the same type of behavior with another. If the answer is no, then you should definitely back off because emotional infidelity can hurt just as deeply as physical unfaithfulness.

The following behavioral signs are the top 10 signs of emotional infidelity. If any of these ring a bell in regards to your relationship, perhaps you are not as close to your partner as you should be.

1. You have little or no sex. Partner is always too busy or tired.
2. You have petty arguments.
3. You feel like you don't have anything in common any more.
4. One of you is no longer attracted to the other.
5. Partner spends unusually long periods of time on cell phone or computer.
6. Partner suddenly becomes hypercritical about your appearance.
7. Partner becomes secretive or defensive when questioned about their behavior.
8. Partner loses interest in relationship or family activities.
9. Partner stays on computer very late at night after you have retired.
10. Partner secures their computer in a locked area or with passwords you don't have access to.

If your relationship shows any of the above signs, it may be time to communicate with your partner to try to reconnect. If you dont, this supposed casual friendship can quickly turn from cyber cheating into something more.

Talk to your partner and tell them what you need and want. Don't be afraid to express your true feelings, including your insecurities and concerns. A loving mate will be understanding of your feelings and work through it with you. Tell your partner that you miss them and you need their devotion and attention. This will help reopen the communication channels.

Written by Stephany Alexander, http://www.womansavers.com ©

Unhappy Marriage Reflects Spouse's Depression

One Spouse's Mental Health Problems Can Cause Unhappy Marriage for Both

When one spouse suffers from depression, both will have an unhappy marriage, new research shows.

There is a growing body of research indicating that mental health and unhappy marriages are closely entwined, writes lead researcher Mark A. Whisman, PhD, with the University of Colorado at Boulder. His paper appears in the October issue of the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology.

Being in a relationship with someone with mental health problems may lower the satisfaction for the partner, he writes. The burden of living with someone who has mental health problems takes a toll.

However, few researchers have investigated the effects of both partners' mental health on the relationship


Depression, Unhappy Marriage Linked
For their study, Whisman and his colleagues recruited 774 married couples from seven states. Each partner was tested for depression, anxiety, and whether they had a happy or unhappy marriage.

Researchers found that each spouse's level of anxiety and depression predicted an unhappy marriage for the depressed spouse and the other spouse as well.

The more anxious and/or depressed either spouse was, the more dissatisfied he or she was with the marriage. Depression -- more than anxiety -- affected whether a person considered themselves to be in a happy or unhappy marriage. The researchers found that there were no differences between the sexes in the magnitude of the effects.

A spouse's level of depression also predicted martial satisfaction, and other studies have shown a similar pattern.

There's a possible flaw in this study: If a spouse was depressed when completing questionnaires about his or her unhappy marriage, it might have affected how he or she responded.

Top 7 Ways an Unhappy Marriage Can Ruin Your Health

Just as a happy marriage can keep you healthy, an unhappy, stressful relationship can shorten your life. Here are some of the ways that discord in a marriage can make you ill.

1. Changes in Systems
Unhappy married folks, especially women, experience changes in their endocrine and immune systems.

2. Hormones
You may have elevated levels of epinephrine and cortisol hormones.

3. Blood Pressure
Stressed individuals often show increases in blood pressure readings.

4. Pain
Folks in unhappy relationships could have a greater experience of pain.

5. Gum Disease
People are prone to more gum disease and cavities when facing marital problems.

6. Ulcers
You may suffer from ulcers in the stomach and intestine.

7. Influenza and Common Cold
Lack of harmony in marriage can cause couples to have a higher incidence of influenza and the common cold.

Saving Your Marriage

You Can Fix Your Broken Marriage!

It can be difficult to try and resurrect a troubled marriage, but there are things you can do to reconnect with your spouse and fan the flames of lost love.

The key to solving most marriage problems is to bring the issues to the forefront and utilize creative strategies to breakdown the barriers of conflict. Once the conflict is resolved you can focus on falling in love with your partner again - this time for good.


Quick Tips for Saving Your Marriage

Accepting the Facts
The first step in climbing out of your marriage problems is to admit that they exist. You must confront the fact that things have changed between you are your spouse while making a resolution to fix them. Hiding from the issues or hoping that they will go away will not solve anything. Accept the situation for what it is and prepare yourself for the challenge that lies ahead.

Identify the Issues
Of course it is hard to solve a problem you can't see, and this is why you have to be able to describe the precise conflicts within your marriage. If you only know that your spouse has changed in the way they communicate with you then you do not have enough information to fix the issue. Find out why these changes have occurred. The best way to do this is to begin conversation and offer plenty of opportunities for them to "open up". Keep you ears open for any subtle hints they may divulge.

Persistence is Vital
There are plenty of obstacles for you to succumb to while trying to fix your relationship. Your spouse may be difficult to communicate with or you might be facing outside pressures from family and work that prevent you from focusing on your goals. Even if these barriers apply to you, the only way you will succeed in your mission is by being persistent. It is easy to give up the first time things don't go your way, but just because one approach fails doesn't mean that something else won't work.

Learn to Reconnect
Saving marriage isn't all about solving problems, it also involves reigniting the passion and love you had for each other in the past. You can try to fan the flames of love by surprising your partner with special surprises or dates. Think of the most romantic times you had together and recreate them with while adding a unique approach. The goal is to grab their attention and simplifying your relationship down to natural attraction. If you can heat up the passion then the other problems will quickly be overlooked.

Seek the Right Advice
No one expects you to know everything about marriage counseling, and with all of the resources available you shouldn't have to. The one thing you should be leery of though is the advice you get from family and friends. It is only polite to listen to what these people have to say, but you should ultimately look for expert advice from books or counseling sessions before making any important decisions. You can save your marriage, but you can also ruin it by following bad advice.

Tips To Prevent Your Marriage From Being Destroyed By Financial Stress

Couples often marry before discussing the very important subject of finances, which is often at the very forefront of marital problems. When each partner has different views on finances, this can lead to a breakdown of communications, arguments, even separation.

Here are some tips to help prevent your marriage from being destroyed by financial stress:

1.BE OPEN WITH EACH OTHER
2.DISCUSS BANK AND CREDIT CARD ACCOUNTS
3.DECIDE WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT
4.ANALYZE EARNINGS AND BUDGETING
5.DO NOT UNDERMINE YOUR PARTNER

Who Has Affairs? Why Do People Have Affairs?

Who Has Affairs?

We tend to think that only bad people have affairs or only people in bad relationships. But no one is immune from an affair.

Monogamy is something most people say they believe in and want for themselves. Every survey ever done on this question shows a high percentage of people think monogamy is important to marriage and that affairs are wrong.

But a belief in monogamy as an ideal doesn't prevent large numbers of people from having extramarital affairs. Most people don't intend to have an affair and most people don't think it will happen to them�but it does.
Bottom Line: No one is immune from having affairs disrupt their lives or the lives of those they care about; they happen to all kinds of people, in all walks of life.

Why Do People Have Affairs?

The first question most people ask when they learn of their partner's affair is, "Why?" And the answers they come up with are usually based on personal blame. They blame themselves, their partner, their relationship, or the third party. They see it strictly as a personal problem, a personal failure of the people involved. This is a very simple explanation for a very complex question.

Usually there are three different kinds of forces that are working together:

Forces within the individual that pull them toward affairs
Forces within the individual that push them toward affairs
Societal factors

Forces within the individual that pull them toward affairs:

Attraction: sex, companionship, admiration, power
Novelty
Excitement, risk, or challenge
Curiosity
Enhanced self-image
Falling in love

Forces within the individual that push them toward affairs:

Desire to escape or find relief from a painful relationship
Boredom
Desire to fill gaps in an existing relationship
Desire to punish one's partner
Need to prove one's attractiveness or worth
Desire for attention

Societal factors

Affairs are glamorized in movies, soap operas, romance novels, and TV shows of all kinds. Public disclosure of public figures having affairs is headline news because we are fascinated and titillated by hearing of others' affairs.

People are bombarded with images of women as sex objects in advertising and marketing campaigns. Over and over, the message to men is that the good life includes a parade of sexy women in their lives. Women inadvertently buy into this image and strive to achieve it.

The lack of good sex education and the existence of sexual taboos combine to make it difficult for most partners to talk honestly about sex.

As teenagers we get conditioned in deception when it comes to sex�engaging in sexual activity while hiding it from our parents.

The code of secrecy is a major factor in affairs because it provides protection for the person having affairs and leads them to believe they won't get caught.

Bottom Line: There is no ONE single reason a person has an affair. There are usually many reasons, including some of the forces that pull them toward affairs and some of the forces that push them toward affairs, combined with the influence of the general factors in society that contribute to affairs.

Myths and Fact about Extramarital Affairs

Myth: Affairs happen in unhappy or unloving marriages.

Fact: Affairs can happen in good marriages. Affairs are less about love and more about sliding across boundaries.

Myth: Affairs occur mostly because of sexual attraction.

Fact: The lure of an affair is how the unfaithful partner is mirrored back through the adoring eyes of the new love. Another appeal is that individuals experience new roles and opportunities for growth in new relationships.

Myth: A cheating spouse almost always leaves clues, so a naïve spouse must be burying his or her head in the sand.

Fact: The majority of affairs are never detected. Some individuals can successfully compartmentalize their lives or are such brilliant liars that their partner never finds out.

Myth: A person having an affair shows less interest in sex at home.

Fact: The enticement of an affair can increase passion at home and make sex even more interesting.

Myth: The person having an affair isn’t “getting enough” at home.

Fact: The truth is that the unfaithful partner may not be giving enough. In fact, the spouse who gives too little is at a greater risk than the spouse who gives too much because he or she is less invested.

Myth: A straying partner finds fault with everything you do.

Fact: He or she may in fact become Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful in order to escape detection. Most likely, he or she will be alternately critical and devoted.

Surprisingly the infidelity we must contend with in this day and age is of a new sort, and as long as we believe affairs are about a 3rd party being sexier or prettier or nicer than the spouse, we are not only vulnerable to affairs, we have potential to further injure devastated friends or family members dealing with this horrific blow to their marriage.

Affairs require secrecy, deception and lies in order to thrive. By playing a part in ending the “code of silence” we believe we can play a part in diminishing the growth of extramarital affairs in our society, and the pain experienced by those on all ends of affairs including the innocent children.

We want to inspire people. If an affair has taken place, you cannot go back and undo it. As Solomon said, “It is water under the bridge … what is wronged cannot be righted.”

So what of your future if you’ve once been betrayed? Will you allow the pain to destroy you? Will it crush you forever? Will the rest of your life be inundated with bitterness?

Or are you going to rise up, fight for yourself, fight for your marriage - if you want to, and no matter what your spouse chooses to do, heal yourself. Find meaning through all the pain, and allow it to be your catalyst to spur you on to a better, stronger, happier, and more fulfilled you. And if your spouse is willing to do the work, spur you on to a marriage beyond what you had imagined possible before.

Dealing With Anger In Your Marriage

At some point, everyone gets angry at their spouse. It could be over something minor like leaving the cap off of the toothpaste, or something on a larger scale like disrespecting you in front of other people. The anger itself is not a sin...it's what you then do with it and how you respond to it that can potentially be classified as sin.

How are you dealing with your anger in your marriage?

There are different ways that people typically deal with anger. Many people internalize their feelings of anger. In trying to avoid dealing with it, unforgiveness and bitterness take root, gradually poisoning their marriage. Turning it inward doesn't deal with the anger; instead it's allowed to build up over time.

Others externalize it. They turn their anger outward, towards their spouse, kids, or anyone else who gets in their line of fire. They let their feelings lead them to hurt others, either verbally or physically. Many of these people profess that they just "couldn't control themselves." This is a person that's controlled by their emotions, instead of being in control of their emotions. These people will continue to physically or verbally abuse their spouses or kids as long as they can get away with it.

Now, take that same "out of control" person and put them up next to a 300 pound linebacker. Do you think they would control themselves enough to keep from slapping that linebacker around? Oh yeah, because they know they couldn't get away with that...not without some pretty hefty consequences.

We should never let our feelings of anger cause us to get "out of control."

So what are some ways to deal with anger in marriage?

1) Admit to yourself and God that you are angry. There's no reason for denying it. Plus, as you get it out in the open, you'll be better prepared to deal with it.

2) Don't yield to your feelings. If you think you may say or do something that you'll regret, walk away from the situation until you have control over your emotions. Take a deep breath to bring your physical reactions to anger under control. Realize that YOU are totally responsible for your own actions.

3) Whether the wrong committed against you was real or perceived, intentional or accidental, bring the offense to God and forgive your spouse. Forgiveness is not for the other person, it's for you. As you get in the habit of actually forgiving your spouse, your anger will lead you into sin less often.

4) Don't give the devil a foothold by dwelling on the offense. If you've forgiven your husband or wife, quit replaying the situation over in your mind. Otherwise, not only will you cause those angry feelings to come back, but you will give the devil the opportunity to add fuel to the fire by telling you how evil your spouse is. This will only serve to send you back to square one, negating any progress you've made.

If you've let your anger lead you into sin in the past, ask God to forgive you and let it go. You can't control what you've done in the past, but you can control what you do now and in the future. Start preparing now for the next time you get angry, because the time will come again when you'll need to deal with it. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you control yourself and diffuse the anger without sinning. And remember Luke 1:37 "For nothing is impossible with God."

What to Do When Your Conversation Becomes Boring and Unpleasant ( Part 2 )

The Enemies of Good Conversation

The conversation you and your wife once shared was enjoyable for both of you. You looked forward to talking to each other. But lately, it's not at all pleasant. In fact, it's something you often do out of duty rather than choice. That's because you have developed habits that make your conversations unpleasant. I call those habits Enemies of Good Conversation.

The First Enemy of Good Conversation is using conversation to force agreement to your way of thinking. It's okay to negotiate with your spouse, but it's not okay to be disrespectful. Negotiation should start with a problem and end with a mutually acceptable way to solve it. When disrespect enters the picture, you not only fail to solve the problem, you leave with hurt feelings.

If you are thinking, "I'm right and you're wrong," watch out! You are just an utterance away from disaster. The Love Buster, disrespectful judgments, will not straighten your spouse out, as you hope. Instead, it will drive your spouse away from you. At first, you will develop emotional distance with your tactics, as your superficial conversation demonstrates. But eventually it will lead to physical distance -- separation or divorce.

Instead of trying to force agreement to your way of thinking, discuss your differing perspectives with respect. Your spouse's point of view is worth considering. After you fully understand it, you may be persuaded to her way of thinking.

Quite frankly, couples are easily influenced by each other when they are respectful. Their joint wisdom is more profound than the wisdom of either of them separately, and they know that. But that wisdom is uncovered only through respectful persuasion, never through disrespectful judgments.

The Second Enemy of Good Conversation is dwelling on mistakes, past or present.

One of our important emotional needs is admiration. So whenever you remind your wife of achievements of her past or present, you deposit love units because she needs to be admired.

But when you remind her of her failures, you do the opposite. You undermine her confidence and self-esteem, and withdraw love units.

Criticism is painful in marriage because we need admiration so much. We want our spouses to be the most encouraging person we know, one who constantly reminds us of our strengths. We certainly don't want to be discouraged by being reminded of our weaknesses, particularly if it comes from our spouse.

In an intimate relationship we give the keys to our inner self to someone else so that person can be in a position to meet our emotional needs. Intimacy magnifies the pleasure we receive when our needs are met. But it also makes us vulnerable. The pain of criticism is magnified in an intimate relationship. Unprotected, we expose the china closet of our feelings. If the person is critical of us, they are like the proverbial "bull in a china closet." One romp through our inner self and we are not so quick to invite the bull back again.

Criticism now and then is bad enough, but spouses often get into the habit of dwelling on mistakes. These mistakes are mentioned repeatedly in an effort to make sure that the mistake is understood and corrected. But that's not how mistakes are understood or corrected. All this does is magnify the pain until conversation is too unpleasant to continue. Then hope of respectful negotiation is lost.

In your letter, you say that you and your spouse say the same things again and again. You may be referring to this enemy, dwelling on past mistakes. You may find yourselves repeating these criticisms because this enemy dominates your conversation. If that's the case, see it for the enemy it is. As long as you tolerate dwelling on mistakes, you cannot expect to meet each other's needs for conversation. You may withdraw so many love units that it ruins your love for each other.

The Third Enemy of Good Conversation is using conversation to punish each other. When you use words to punish your spouse, you are being abusive. Verbal abuse can be as harmful as physical abuse. When you hurl insults at your wife, you are trying to withdraw love units. You want her to feel bad. When conversation is used to punish her, you have entered a period of emotional divorce, where all hope of reconciliation is gone. All you care about is balancing the books -- repaying her for the pain you felt over something she did to you.

After all I've said about being sensitive, it seems as if this enemy of good conversation shouldn't be a problem. But, for many couples, it is. In spite of all of their efforts to be respectful, and avoid criticism, they blow it all by saying some of the most hurtful things to each other when they lose their tempers. It sure does ruin intimate conversation, and often leaves couples talking about not much more than the weather.

I would imagine that you and your wife have engaged in at least one of these three enemies of good conversation, and perhaps, all of them. That indulgence has not only left you with a history of unpleasant conversation, but it also may have prevented you from using some of the friends of good conversation. For example, if you are disrespectful, critical or verbally abusive, it's almost impossible to "investigate, inform and understand" your spouse. She will keep her thoughts to herself to prevent your from hurting her with your enemies of conversation.

Trust is essential for intimate conversation. If your wife thinks that you might use her personal revelations against her when an enemy of conversation has taken control of you, her lack of trust will prevent her from revealing her innermost thoughts.

On the other hand, if she knows you will guard her private thoughts and protect them from your criticism, she will be more likely to reveal them.

Enemies of good conversation often prevent implementation of the friends of good conversation. I suggest you focus on ridding your conversation of the enemies first. There's no point in introducing a friend of conversation when you haven't yet learned to be respectful. But then, after the enemies are rooted out, you will find that the friends make your conversation downright fascinating. Instead of being boring and unpleasant, your conversation will encourage you to spend hours together, creating the kind of intimacy that you need to have a fulfilling marriage.

Take pride in this effort. Become a professional at being the kind of conversationalist who meets your spouse's need in a far better way than anyone else could. It will encourage your spouse to develop the same skill in meeting your need. Then neither of you will ever feel like every conversation is like every other one you've had -- boring and unpleasant. Instead, each conversation will give you a little better understanding of each other, and bring you closer together.

What to Do When Your Conversation Becomes Boring and Unpleasant (Part 1 )

Introduction: Conversation is not just a means to an end, it is also the end itself. What I mean by that is that conversation in marriage does more than help us communicate and solve problems, it also meets one of our most important emotional needs -- the need to talk to someone. When you learn to meet that need for your spouse, it can deposit more love units than anything else you do.

The way you talk to each other is very important. Even if your spouse has a need for conversation, you can talk your way into Love Bank withdrawals very easily. And when conversation suffers, the solution to all other problems are bound to suffer.

The Friends of Good Conversation

Remember how it used to be? You and your wife used to be fascinated with each other. You would support and encourage each other. Empathy and understanding were almost effortless. You had many common interests to talk about. Somehow, you need to resurrect the kindness, consideration, empathy and interest you once shared in your conversations with each other.

Once you can talk to each other like that again, you will be meeting one of each other's most important emotional needs: The need for conversation. And if you can learn to do it well, you will deposit so many love units that you will become irresistible to each other again.

There are ways to make your conversation great. Let us call these the Friends of Good Conversation. If you incorporate these friends into the conversation you have with your spouse, you will get out of your rut. The first Friend of Good Conversation is using conversation to investigate, inform and understand your spouse. You and your spouse have not begun to exhaust all there is to know about each other. But, for some reason, you have stopped investigating. Your conversation has become predictable and uninteresting as a result.

I suggest that you investigate the facts of each other's personal histories, present experiences and plans for the future. Also investigate each other's attitudes and emotional reactions to those facts. You are bound to each other, through marriage, in a partnership that requires you to navigate through life with skill and coordination. Without conversation you will have neither, and your marriage may crash.

Why investigate? Why not just inform? Well, most of us don't just offer personal information about our deepest feelings. Someone must show an interest first. If you don't investigate with a genuine curiosity, your spouse is unlikely to share those feelings with you. Your curiosity about your spouse's thoughts and feelings is essential to her revealing them to you.

But curiosity is not all that's required. Trust is also essential. Your spouse must trust you with her personal feelings before she will expose them to you. I'll talk about building trust a little later when I get to the Enemies of Good Conversation.

Once personal information is requested, you should both inform each other of the facts of your personal histories, present experiences, plans for the future, and your attitudes and emotional reactions to all of those facts. To withhold accurate information about your inner self prevents intimacy and leaves the need for meaningful conversation unmet.

After you have investigated and informed each other of personal activities and feelings, you are in a position to understand each other. What motivates you and your spouse to do what you both do? What are your rewards, and what do you find punishing? What are your beliefs, and how are they put into practice? What are your most common positive and negative emotional reactions? What are your strengths and weaknesses? The list goes on and on. There is so much to know about each other, you will never get to know it all.

By reaching an understanding of each other, your conversation will break through the superficiality barrier. You become emotionally connected to each other, and able to bring out each other's best feelings, and avoid the worst. "Hidden agendas" are not possible because neither of you hide anything from each other.

The Second Friend of Good Conversation is developing interest in each other's favorite topics of conversation. Topics drive most conversations. We usually talk about something and this something keeps your conversation going. But we all like to talk about some topics more than others.

When you were dating, you probably tried to discover your wife's favorite topics of conversation, and she tried to discover yours. Then, you probably developed an interest in those topics so that your conversation would be more enjoyable.

Interests will change. Topics that may have interested your spouse when you were younger may have lost their attraction. Topics that were once completely boring, you may now find fascinating. Besides, you are encountering new topics almost every day.

You may have had compatible interests when you were first married, but have you kept up with each other's changing interests? Once you may have been able to talk for hours about mutual interests, now you may find yourselves struggling to find anything you have in common.

If that's the case, you must return to the mind-set you had when you were dating. In those days, you made an effort to talk about topics that your spouse found interesting, because you knew it would deposit love units. To make the conversation more interesting, you may have spent some time educating yourself on those topics. What may have started as an effort to be loved, may have turned into a genuine curiosity about subjects that interested your spouse.

I suggest that you make a mental note of subjects that interest your wife today, and educate yourself about those subjects. The same thing goes for your spouse, too. She should try to develop an understanding of some of your favorite topics of conversation.

What if both of you try to educate yourselves in each other's interests, and still find yourselves bored with certain subjects? There's no point in faking an interest in something that is truly boring to one of you, and there are literally hundreds of subjects that both of you will find interesting. So I suggest that after an initial effort, you abandon subjects that you do not find mutually interesting. The Policy of Joint Agreement can help you create an inventory of subjects that you both enjoy discussing (never talk about a subject without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse)

The Third Friend of Good Conversation is balancing the conversation. Conversation is a two-way street. But if you try to turn it into a one-way road, it becomes a speech. Conversation is meant to be interactive.

There are important rules of conversational etiquette that must be followed when you talk to each other. Don't interrupt or try talking over each other. Make sure that you both have a chance to finish a thought before the other person responds. If you notice that one of you is talking more than the other, the more talkative spouse should pause to give the less talkative spouse a chance to talk more.

Balancing the conversation simply refers to the importance of equal participation from each of you. Any effort you make to insure balance will make the conversation much more enjoyable, and more interesting.

The Fourth Friend of Good Conversation is giving each other undivided attention. Some people feel that they can do several things at once, so while talking to their spouse, they try to do something else, too. But you can't have an intimate conversation when you divide your attention. It leaves your wife feeling that she is not important enough for your full attention, or that other tasks are more important than she is.

If you find it difficult to talk to your spouse with your undivided attention, it could be that you have allowed competing activities (like television) to ruin your opportunity to deposit love units. There's nothing quite as frustrating as trying to talk to a spouse whose mind is somewhere else.

Couples must schedule time to give each other their undivided attention. If it's not on your schedule, you're not likely to do it. You will talk to each other on the fly, instead. And that doesn't deposit love units.

During courtship, I estimate that it takes about 15 hours a week of undivided attention for a couple to deposit enough love units to fall in love. Think back on your courtship. Without that amount of time for intimate conversation, I don't think you would have married.

But I bet you are not spending that kind of time now. In fact, it may only be about 15 minutes a week. How sad. I suggest that you correct the situation right now. Begin by working out a schedule with your wife so that you will have 15 hours of undivided attention from each other every week. The fifteen hours should include conversation, but it can meet other important emotional needs, too -- affection, sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship.

The High Price of a Bad Relatonship

When things go sour, it's not only your heart that can be broken.

The health benefits of marriage are undeniable. But there's also a dark side: Evidence is mounting that, at least for women, crummy marriages are health vampires, and relationship stress--even more than work stress--undermines the body's physiological defenses.

Couples who handle their disagreements in a negative way, for example, don't heal as well,tiny suction wounds made on the palms of their hands.

Afterward, they talked to each other about marital sore spots like money, in-laws,The couples in happy marriages mended very quickly, while those in nasty relationships characterized by zingers, sarcasm, and put-downs, healed 40% more slowly.

However, the women's bodies proved to be far more sensitive to hostile remarks than the men.

"Biologically, the different reactions women have to a husband who says 'You idiot' versus 'I guess you and I just see this differently' are enormous," she says. "Women just have a more intense physiological reaction to hostility in relationships than men do."

This happens, she says, for two reasons: First, women tend to evaluate negativity in their own relationships accurately, "while men tend to be semi-oblivious to it." And second, even when the negativity registers with men, "they tend to forget it quickly, while women will often relive the angry exchanges over and over, for hours."

Women don't seem to get used to nastiness and negativity, even in good marriages. The happy older couples who had been married an average of 42 years. Just like in the newlyweds, stress hormones increased during conflict, but only for the women.

"It would be nice if we could just say to ourselves, I should be more thick-skinned and not take his remarks so personally, but women can't seem to shut it off like that. It's not like there's a hearing aid we can yank out of our ears,if the bad feelings and hostility are still alive in you emotionally, then they're still affecting you physically."

Resolving conflicts in marriage...

Conflict is part of every marriage. Even in the most ideal marriage, periods of discord are inevitable. The most important thing about marital conflicts is not how to avoid them, but how to manage them.

Couples are encouraged to learn and practice conflict resolution skills. At first it may seem awkward and unnatural, but once the couple becomes efficient at it, they often find the process rewarding.

10 Steps to Resolve Conflicts

1. Set a time and place for discussion

- Schedule a time suitable for both of you.
- Arrange a place that both of you will feel comfortable and will not be interrupted

2. Notice the symptoms

- Look out for signals that "something is wrong" ~ Is there tension between you? Are you distancing from each other? Is one of you feeling hurt or more irritable than the usual? If so, there is probably a conflict that needs to be resolved.

3. Clarify the problem or issue of disagreement

- Select and discuss only one issue at a time. Trying to resolve more than one conflict at a time can be overwhelming and will create feelings of frustration.

4. Acknowledge your role in having created and maintained the problem.
- Accept responsibility for your own contribution to the conflict. This helps to decrease defensiveness. Problems between two people usually involve both partners in some way.

5. List past attempts that failed to resolve the issue.

- This will allow you to realize that you have made efforts to resolve the conflict in the past, and to avoid potential solutions that have proven unsuccessful.

6. Brainstorm possible solutions

- Use your creativity to come up with as many solutions as possible without being either judgmental or critical.

7. Discuss the pros and cons of proposed solutions

- For each proposed solution, list the appropriateness, your ability to implement it as well as the constraints.
- Discuss all the solutions, even though some may seem to be better than others.

8. Agree on one solution to try out

- Between both of you, arrive at a consensus as to which solution will work the best.
- Remember that the solution agreed upon is not always the first choice of either partner. Compromise is crucial to arrive at a workable solution.
- Both partners need to identify specifically what each of them will do in carrying out the solution.
- Be specific and focus on observable behaviors. For example, "I will give you a call when I can't be home early.

9. Evaluate progress and feasibility of solution adopted

- The next meeting should be reasonably soon (e.g. one week later). Use the meeting to discuss how successful the solution is. Ask yourself questions like "Is it working?". If it is not working, go back to clarify the issue or brainstorm solutions.

10. Celebrate and reward each other for the efforts put in to resolve the issue

- Share your observation of how your partner has positively contributed to resolving the conflict.
- Praise your partner for his/her effort.

Depression in Marriage...

One of the many killers of marital intimacy is a silent one, but is very deadly. It's "depression."

Depression: The Silent Killer of Marital Intimacy -by Dr. Todd E. Linaman

Everyone longs for—and needs—intimacy. Intimacy in marriage exists when a husband and wife allow each other to experience everything they have to offer physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually without fear of criticism, judgment or rejection. Without intimacy a marriage cannot thrive and will struggle even to survive.

Some of the more common threats to marital intimacy include parenting, financial stress, unresolved anger, and unforgiveness. But the "silent killer" that often goes unaddressed is Depression. Both men and women are susceptible, women are twice as likely to suffer from symptoms as men are. One of every four women will experience at least one depressive episode in their lifetime.

Studies reveal that Depression can be both the cause and the result of marital problems and dissatisfaction. It can also cause people in otherwise happy marriages to perceive themselves and their relationship in negative ways. For example, if a husband comes home late from work, a depressed woman may perceive his lateness as a sign that he no longer cares for her when, in reality, it was a simple matter of his boss detaining him to finish a project.

As a result of her assumptions, she may avoid him when he arrives home. This may cause him to feel isolated or rejected, and he may react by finding excuses not to spend time at home. Unless the silence is broken, the cycle of negative perceptions and rejection will destroy intimacy in the relationship.

It's normal to experience feelings of disappointment and discouragement for brief periods of time. However, many people experience these symptoms, as well as others, for longer periods of time without recognizing it for what it really is— Depression.

Symptoms and Causes of Depression: Symptoms can range from mild to severe, lasting from a few hours to a few years. Mild symptoms include fatigue, irritability, sadness, decreased motivation and pessimism. More serious symptoms include feelings of worthlessness or guilt, emotional isolation, changes in eating and sleeping habits, loss of interest in activities that were once enjoyable, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, low self-esteem, negative thinking patterns, recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.

Depression can be caused by difficult and traumatic life circumstances such as the death of a loved one, a separation, the loss of a job or unresolved marital problems. It can be the result of prolonged periods of stress, personality traits, heredity factors, biochemical changes, and sleep deprivation. Regardless of what may trigger Depression, it is ultimately the result of changes that occur in the brain's chemistry. A deficiency of certain neurotransmitters, such as serotonin and nor epinephrine, is what causes a person to experience the symptoms of depression.

Although women are more likely to experience Depression in general, some women are more vulnerable than others. A recent study revealed that women with exposure to childhood adversity such as family violence, parental alcoholism, death of a parent, or parental discord or divorce are more likely to become depressed following stress than women without such adversity. Women who experience what are referred to as humiliating life events, like infidelity on the part of their husband, threats of marital separation or divorce, or physical violence are six times more likely to experience a major depressive episode.

Other facts : Today's women suffer from depression 10 times more often than their grandmothers did. Younger women are at a greater risk for depression than ever before. Nearly one out of three women 18-24 will experience Depression. Women with siblings or parents who have suffered from Depression have a 20-25% greater chance of becoming depressed themselves.

Keys to Overcoming Depression and Keeping Your Marriage Strong: As is true of any illness, prevention is the best medicine. Here are some strategies for preventing and or defeating depression while keeping your marriage strong:

• Maintain a healthy lifestyle. A balanced diet and adequate rest will help stabilize brain chemistry. Regular exercise releases endorphins, which are natural mood elevators.

• Learning to say "no" to activities and responsibilities that have the potential of creating overload is the first step to creating balance in your life.

• Seek professional help as early as possible. Begin by talking to your family physician or a Christian counselor about possible treatment options.

• Confide in your spouse or a close friend. It's important to let someone know exactly how you're feeling.

• Educate yourself and your spouse about depression. Having an awareness of the signs and symptoms, understanding its potential impact in your life and knowing what treatment options are available to you can greatly help to minimize negative consequences.

• Address problems in your marriage or personal life as they arise. Avoiding or ignoring problems will not make them go away or easier to cope with.

• Take one hour "vacations" at least three times a week. Give yourself permission to spend at least three separate hours per week doing something that you really enjoy.

• Take your focus off yourself. When we begin to feel discouraged or sad it's easy to dwell on the circumstances we believe are responsible for our negative feelings. Place your focus on someone who would benefit from your time and attention.

Maintaining companionship, affection and harmony in your relationship will not only provide you with personal fulfillment and satisfaction, but it will also strengthen, guard and preserve your marriage. By understanding the potential impact of Depression and knowing how to effectively address its symptoms, you will be better prepared to combat the silent killer of marital intimacy.

Loving The Unlovable Husband....

It is easy to live in harmony when your husband is treating you well. But what if he's not? How do you treat your husband when he is unloving and moody?

Have you and your husband ever been in the following cycle? He raises his voice; you raise yours. He becomes louder; you retaliate.

This is an endless cycle, but the dynamics of it can be broken quickly if you no longer react.

If your husband is short-tempered and impatient, try remaining silent in love. Stop participating in the vicious cycle of "he gets angry; I get angry." Choose not to react during heated times. Wait until your husband has cooled down or is more rested before discussing things.

Ask yourself, "Why is my husband moody and sharp with me?" Often the answer is that you are simply catching the overflow of what happened to him at work, or with some other problem. Is this fair? No, but life isn't always fair. Consider other possibilities as well: Is he stressed about something in particular? Is he fatigued due to extra hours he's putting in at work? Is he going through a difficult time with someone?

Don't be so sensitive that you let your feelings and emotions be set by another's treatment of you. Don't be judgmental or unfriendly. Don't allow you’re self to be too easily wounded, crushed, or hurt. Guard against bitterness and being quick to forgive.

Every time you act in a loving way toward your husband, it becomes more and more a part of your natural response. What you're doing is training your mind to think in a new way, and each successive attempt becomes easier.

Misunderstanding, Miscommunications Between Husband and Wives….

A marriage can only be as good as the communication between the husband and wives. Good communication is vital to healthy marriage. As wives, we desire to have a close relationship with our husband, but, unfortunately, we sabotage it by what we say and how we say it.

Defensiveness seems to be the hardest thing for us. It comes from an attitude that says "My way is the best way." We don't listen to what each other has to say. Instead, we formulate our response while he/she is speaking. And the misunderstanding begins.

There a lot of time that husband says something that hurts the feeling of her wife and he done the same thing a thousand times, without any regard for he makes her wife feels. The wife decided to harden her heart. She will think that her husband doesn’t care so why should she even bother talking to him about it. Then miscommunication start.

This are the common reasons why husband and wives always have misunderstanding that cause to miscommunication.

Showing Respect is the way to avoid misunderstanding between husband and wife. Respect each other in though (the heart), word (your speech), and deed (your action).

Unfaithful husband/wife...

Why Do Men and Women Cheat?

What causes husbands and wives cheat, we also know quite a bit about the type of men and women who are likely to cheat…we called it Infidelity…basically when it comes to infidelity there are explanations given.

First... Spouse cheat because of the problems in their relationship…something missing, passion has faded, partners feel lonely, people find someone who treats them better or appreciates them more than their current spouse, and so on…..

Second… This explanation ignores the reason that people “give” for cheating and looks deeper into human nature…

Catching a cheating partner is difficult because cheaters have an affair advantage when it comes to infidelity. In fact, most infidelity goes undetected, or unproven, because the rules of the game tend to favor those who cheat….

Most people have strong desire to believe what partner has to say. Trusting a partner creates a sense of security and comfort. No one really wants to think that spouse may be lying, especially when it comes to infidelity. So, rather than assume the worst, it’s often easier to believe a “pleasant lie” than causes a faithful spouse the most pain.

And cheating spouse take advantage of this. Cheaters often exploit their partner’s desire to trust by telling their partners exactly what they want to hear (“I would never cheat you”)