Family Commitment

In addition to a greater need for income and domestic responsibilities, the arrival of children may create in you the need for your spouse to become active in the moral and educational development of the children. I call that need family commitment. As is true for the need for financial and domestic support, if you do not have any children just yet, you may not sense this need. But upon their arrival, a change may take place that you didn't anticipate.

Evidence of this need is a craving for your spouse's involvement in the training of your children. When he or she is helping to care for them, you feel very fulfilled, and when they are neglected you feel very frustrated.

This is not just child care -- feeding, clothing or watching over children to keep them safe. Child care falls under the category of domestic support. Family commitment, on the other hand, is taking a responsibility for how the children will turn out, teaching them the values of cooperation and care for each other. It is spending quality time with your children to help insure happiness and success for them as adults.

But the need for family commitment is not met by just any form of training. It is only met when the training is enthusiastically approved by you. It can all be ruined if your spouse uses training methods and objectives that violate your standards. Your participation and agreement regarding training methods and objectives are essential before this need can be met.

We all want our children to be successful, but if you have the need for family commitment, your spouse's participation in family activities that guarantee that outcome will deposit so many love units that it will trigger your feeling of love for him or her. And your spouse's neglect of your children will threaten that love.

Domestic Support

The need for domestic support is a time bomb. At first it seems irrelevant, a throwback to more primitive times. But for many couples, the need explodes after a few years of marriage, surprising both spouses.

Domestic support involves the creation of a peaceful and well-managed home environment. It includes cooking meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, house cleaning and child care. If you have the need for domestic support, when your spouse does some of these things, you feel very fulfilled, and when it is not done you feel very annoyed.

n earlier generations, it was assumed that all husbands had this need and all wives would naturally meet it. Times have changed, and needs have changed along with them. Now, many of the men I counsel would rather have their wives meet their needs for affection or conversation, needs which have traditionally been more characteristic of women. And many women, especially career women, gain a great deal of pleasure having their husbands create a peaceful and well-managed home environment for them. But on average, men still express this need more often than women.

Marriage usually begins with a willingness of both spouses to share domestic responsibilities. Newlyweds commonly wash dishes together, make the bed together, and divide many household tasks. The groom welcomes the help he gets from his wife, helping him do what he's been doing alone as a bachelor. At this point in marriage, neither of them would identify domestic support as an important emotional need. But the time bomb is ticking.

When does the need for domestic support explode? When the children arrive! Children create huge needs -- both a greater need for income and greater domestic responsibilities. The previous division of labor is now obsolete. Both spouses must take on new responsibilities -- and which ones will they take?

At this point in your marriage, especially if you do not have children, you may find no need for domestic support at all. But if you find yourself very appreciative of your spouse's cooking, cleaning, washing and childcare, and are very frustrated when they are not forthcoming, make sure that domestic support is on your list of important emotional needs.

Financial Support

People often marry for the financial security that they expect their spouse to provide them. In other words, part of the reason they marry is for money.

But there are others who marry before financial security becomes much of a consideration. Yet, as years go by, if a spouse is unemployed, underemployed, the other spouse can become very frustrated and unhappy. The need for financial support seems to develop after they have been married for a while, especially after children arrive.

It may be difficult for you to know how much you need financial support, especially if you were recently married or if your spouse has always been gainfully employed. But what if, before marriage, your spouse had told you not to expect any income from him or her. Would it have affected your decision to marry? Or, what if your spouse could not find work, and you had to financially support him or her throughout life? Would that withdraw love units?

You may have a need for financial support if you expect your spouse to earn a
living. But you definitely have that need if you do not expect to be earning a living yourself, at least during part of your marriage.

What constitutes financial support? Earning enough to buy everything you could possibly desire, or earning just enough to get by? Different couples would answer this differently, and the same couples might answer differently in different stages of life. That's why this need can be difficult to meet -- it can change over time.

Like many of these emotional needs, financial support is sometimes hard to talk about. As a result, many couples have hidden expectations, assumptions and resentments. How much money does your spouse have to earn before you feel frustrated about his or her paycheck? Your analysis will help you determine if you have a need for financial support, and if so, whether or not this need is being met.

Another point to remember is that when an important emotional need is met, love units are deposited in very large numbers. In other words, if someone were to meet this need for you, might you fall in love with that person? Does a person's income or wealth make him or her more attractive to you? And are those without money unattractive? If so, you probably have a need for financial support.

Physical Attractiveness

For many, physical attractiveness can be one of the greatest sources of love units. If you have this need, an attractive person will not only get your attention, but may distract you from whatever it was you were doing. In fact, that's what may have first drawn you to your spouse -- his or her physical attractiveness.

There are some who consider this need to be temporary and important only in the beginning of a relationship. Some feel that after a couple get to know each other better, physical attractiveness should take a back seat to deeper and more intimate needs. And I've even heard some suggest that those with a need for physical attractiveness are immature or spiritually weak -- even subhuman!

But I don't judge important emotional needs, and I don't think you should either. The question you should ask is, what need when met deposits the most love units? If it's physical attractiveness, it should not be ignored. For many, the need for physical attractiveness not only helps create a relationship, but it continues on throughout marriage, and love units are deposited whenever the spouse is seen -- if he or she is physically attractive

Among the various aspects of physical attractiveness, weight generally gets the most attention. Almost all of the complaints I hear regarding a spouse's loss of physical attractiveness are about being overweight. And when diet and exercise bring the spouse back to a healthy size, physical attractiveness almost always returns. However, choice of clothing, hair style, makeup, and personal hygiene also come together to make a person attractive. Since attractiveness is usually in the eyes of the beholder, you are the ultimate judge of what is attractive to you.

If the attractiveness of your spouse makes you feel great, and loss of that attractiveness would make you feel very frustrated, you should probably include this category on your list of important emotional needs.

Honesty and Openness

Most of us want an honest relationship with our spouse. But some people have a need for honesty and openness -- it gives them a sense of security and helps them become emotionally bonded to the one who meets that need.

Those with a need for honesty and openness want accurate information about their spouses' thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities and plans for the future. If their spouse
Learn how to meet the need of Honesty and Openness
does not provide honest and open communication, trust is undermined and the feelings of security can eventually be destroyed. They cannot trust the signals that are being sent and feel they have no foundation on which to build a solid relationship. Instead of adjusting, they feel off balance; instead of growing together, they feel as if they are growing apart.

Honesty and openness helps build compatibility in marriage. When you and your spouse openly reveal the facts of your past, your present activities, and your plans for the future, you are able to make intelligent decisions that take each other's feelings into account. And that's how you create compatibility -- by making decisions that work well for both of you simultaneously.

But aside from the practical considerations of honesty and openness, those with this need feel happy and fulfilled when their spouses reveal their most private thoughts to them, and feel very frustrated when they are hidden. That reaction is evidence of an emotional need, and if that is the way you feel, include honesty and openness as one of your most important emotional needs.

Conversation

Unlike the need for sex, conversation is not an emotional need that can or should be met exclusively in marriage. Our need for conversation can ethically be met by almost anyone. But if it is one of your most important emotional needs, whoever meets it best will deposit so many love units, you may fall in love with that person. So if it's your need, it's crucial to your marital happiness that your spouse is the one who meets it the best and most often.

The need for conversation is not met by simply talking to someone. It is met when the conversation is enjoyable for both persons involved. Good conversation is characterized by the following:
(1) using it to inform and investigate each other,
(2) focusing attention on topics of mutual interest,
(3) balancing the conversation so both have an equal opportunity to talk, and
(4) giving each other undivided attention while talking to each other.

Conversation fails to meet this need when
(1) demands are made,
(2) disrespect is shown,
(3) one or both become angry, or
(4) when it is used to dwell on mistakes of the past or present.

Unless conversation is mutually enjoyable, a couple is better off not talking to each other at all. An unpleasant conversation not only fails to meet the emotional need, but it also makes it less likely that there will be an opportunity to meet the need in the future. That's because we tend to prevent our spouse from meeting our needs if earlier attempts were painful to us.

Men and women don't have too much difficulty talking to each other during courtship. That's a time of information-gathering for both partners. Both are highly motivated to discover each other's likes and dislikes, personal background, current interests and plans for the future. But after marriage, many women find that the man who would spend hours talking to her on the telephone, now seems to have lost all interest in talking to her, and spends his spare time watching television or reading.

If your need for conversation was fulfilled during courtship, you also expect it to be met after marriage. And if you fell in love because your need for conversation was met by your spouse during courtship, you risk falling out of love if that need is not met during marriage.

Do you have a craving just to talk to someone? Do you pick up the telephone just because you feel like talking? If you see conversation as a practical necessity, primarily as a means to an end, you probably don't have much of a need for it. But if you use conversation "just to talk," and enjoy conversation in its own right, and are frustrated when you haven't been able to talk to someone for a while, consider it to be one of your most important emotional needs.

Is Your Marriage Normal?

If you're thinking
something is missing,
check out the six signs of
a top-of-the-line relationship

The important question is not what is normal? but rather what is healthy? One of the reasons you married your mate is that you believed this person was the best match for your needs, values, goals and dreams. If you only needed someone to be normal with, you could choose a partner at random, get out the "normal marriage checklist" and go about being married.

We choose a mate and then, also out of choice, we are free to apply the principles God has given us to create a healthy marriage. It has nothing to do with being normal. Rather, it's based on what is best for the couple within the parameters of a committed, Christ-centered relationship.

What, then, does this type of relationship look like? In short, a healthy marriage can be measured by six interrelated criteria:

* a sense of oneness
* an atmosphere of acceptance, openness and resolution
* passionate sexual intimacy
* an unswerving commitment to God and to each other
* a spirit of forgiveness
* a sense of a marital mission

1. A Sense of Oneness
With a spirit of oneness, couples realize and experience the uniqueness of what "God has joined together" in marriage. They believe God has called them into a relationship in which they can become much more together than they ever could individually. They have a couple mindset, meaning that if I am one with my mate, I take him or her into consideration in every decision I make. I value what my mate thinks and who he or she is. And I realize that us is more important than me.

Couples who have a sense of oneness have learned the practice and power of what I call T.O.Y.S.: Think Outside YourSelf. You are aware at all times of what it means to look out for your mate's interests and desires. Couples who are one realize they are stewards of the love and life that God has given them, they relish the mystery of oneness and they are determined to use their marriage to honor him.

2. An Atmosphere of Acceptance
Couples with healthy marriages value acceptance and openness and share a commitment to resolving conflict. One of the greatest gifts you can give your mate is to accept him or her for who he or she is: God's gift to you. (I must, however, add the caveat that this does not mean you simply endure abusive or addictive behavior.) But barring such destructive behavior, most husbands and wives keep trying to change their mates into whom they think they should become. That sort of remodeling project is the opposite of acceptance, and it doesn't make for a healthy relationship.

In a strong marriage, both husband and wife feel known and accepted. Closely connected with that is openness—the ability to express your thoughts, ideas, hopes, dreams and failures freely. Along with that is the ability to hear and appreciate what your mate is telling you.

3. Passionate Sexual Intimacy
You can have an average marriage without a good sex life, but I firmly believe that you cannot have a great marriage without a great sex life. But that can't be defined by frequency, variety and response since "normal" is not necessarily healthy.

A healthy sexual relationship is one in which egos and personal agendas are left outside the bedroom door. Both the wife and the husband are free to express their wants, desires, likes, dislikes, turn-ons and turn-offs in a way that celebrates God's gift of sex. They see their sexuality as a way to express their love, serve each other and celebrate the oneness created by God. And they do all of this in an emotional environment that is free of criticism and manipulation.

4. Commitment to God and Each Other
Commitment is a vital component of any healthy marriage. The vows you spoke before God were not just nice platitudes. "Till death do us part" is just what it says. (Again, I'm not talking about extreme cases of violence and abuse.) Couples who dissolve their marriages are usually the ones who, in the back of their minds, always gave themselves an out in case things didn't work as they planned (or selfishly hoped). In contrast, a couple who can look deeply into each other's eyes and pledge again "for better or worse" on each anniversary will have a marriage that is strong, above normal, and, yes, healthy.

5. A Spirit of Forgiveness
From reading the teachings of Christ, it's obvious that forgiveness goes hand-in-hand with commitment. However, far too few couples offer the gift of forgiveness to their mates.

How do you react when your spouse expresses concern about something you did or neglected to do? Do you respond with humility and gratitude for being given the opportunity to change and improve your marriage (no, that is not a joke)? Or are you more likely to launch an accusation of your own: "Oh yeah, well let me tell you what you did!" If the latter, that's a strong indication that forgiveness is not a regular part of your marriage.

6. A Clear Marital Mission
Couples with a healthy marriage know that their relationship has a divinely ordained purpose. Books on excelling in the business world stress the importance of understanding why we exist: What is our niche? What do we want to accomplish and why? Such a focus works wonders in the corporate world, and yet studies have shown that fewer than 3 percent of married couples have any goals that go beyond financial planning.

Part of understanding oneness in marriage involves recognizing marriage's bigger purpose. What we can invest in that will not only bring great returns to our own relationship but will also contribute to the Kingdom of God.

A great marriage is one that begins with a strong sense of oneness and grows to include a shared mission that enriches the lives of others. Along the way, a husband and wife practice mutual acceptance and open communication (even when disagreeing), passionate sexual intimacy, an unswerving commitment to God and to each other and generous amounts of forgiveness.

Far from being average, a healthy marriage will exceed your highest expectations and your wildest dreams. With that kind of potential, who cares about being normal?

Ten Ways to Improve Your Marriage

One of the keys to maintaining a healthy relationship over many years, not losing the thrill of the relationship, and not getting burned out, is to find ways to continue to create the relationship every day.

A marriage is basically a created relationship between two people. If one doesn�t continue to create that relationship as time goes by, then the relationship will cease to exist. The same is true of a family. If you stop creating a family as a unit, the family will cease to exist.

So how do you create a marriage continually so that you have a healthy relationship for years and years? Well, here are ten ideas that will definitely help:


1. Schedule time to spend with your spouse every day. In today�s hectic lifestyle, this can sometimes be difficult. But it�s important. Have dinner together at home, or spend some time talking each day.

2. Schedule time to go out on a �date� every so often, i.e. dinner and a movie, or a play, or a concert, or some other recreational activity that you do together. If you have kids, at least some of the time this should be done without the kids.

3. Tell your spouse that you love them. This is harder for guys, but this is very helpful to a marriage. Other shows of affection are also important on a regular basis.

4. Come up with ideas of nice things to do for your spouse. This doesn�t have to be flowers and chocolates and gifts. It can be just something nice you do for him or her.

5. Thank your spouse for things that they do for you. This can be as simple as thanking your wife for making a nice dinner, which took time and effort, especially if it is something you really like. Or thank your husband for washing the car. Or for walking the dog. It makes them feel that their efforts in keeping the relationship or family going are appreciated and important.

6. When either your spouse or one of your children accomplishes something important to them, find a way to celebrate that, like going out on a special celebratory dinner for instance.

7. Remember special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries, and find some way to celebrate these. This doesn�t have to be expensive.

8. Always make holidays a family time or time to spend with your spouse.

9. Keep communication lines open with your spouse. Discuss problems and upsets instead of letting them simmer. Some people have a policy of �never going to bed angry�, i.e. without discussing the upset and working things out.

10. Turn the TV off and spend some of that time talking to your spouse and/or your kids. They�re more important.

These are just some suggestions and are not a full list of course. The key is to find ways to create the relationship on an ongoing basis. If you can both do that, you have an improved chance at many years of happiness together.

Sexual Fulfillment

When you married, you and your spouse promised to be faithful to each other for life. You agreed to be each other's only sexual partner. You made this commitment because you trusted each other to meet your sexual needs, to be sexually available and responsive to each other. The emotional need for sex, then, is a very exclusive emotional need. If you have this need, you will be very dependent on your spouse to meet it. You have no other ethical choices.

But in most marriages, one spouse, usually the husband, has a much greater need for sex than the other. This tends to create a significant conflict if his need is not being met as often as he would like or the way he would like it to be met. That's why it is very important for you and your spouse to understand which one of you has the greatest need for sex, and how you can meet that need frequently and effectively for each other. Without that understanding and skill, you are likely to join the majority of marriages where the need for sex is not being adequately met.

Most people know whether or not they have a need for sex, but in case there is any uncertainty, I will point out some of the most obvious symptoms.

A sexual need usually pre-dates your relationship with each other, and is somewhat independent of your relationship. While you may have discovered a deep desire to make love to your spouse since you've been in love, it isn't quite the same thing as a sexual need. Wanting to make love when you are in love is sometimes merely a reflection of wanting to be emotionally and physically close.

However, one dead give-away for having a sexual need is sexual fantasies. If you have imagined what it would be like having your sexual need met in the most fulfilling ways, you probably have a sexual need. The more the fantasy is employed, the greater your need. And the way your sexual need is met in your fantasy is usually a good indicator of your sexual predispositions and orientation.

The need for sex and the need for affection are often confused with one another. To help you sort them out, think of it this way: affection is an act of love (hugging, kissing, hand-holding, etc.) that is non-sexual and can be shared with friends, relatives, children and even pets with absolutely no sexual intent. However, if your affection tends to have a sexual motive, it is a symptom of your need for sex, not your need for affection.

If you tend to feel happy and contented when you make love, and you feel frustrated when you don't make love often enough or the way you want to make love, you have a need for sexual fulfillment.

How to Meet the Need for Affection

Affection is something that's learned. Some men and women who were raised in families that did not show affection are taught how to show affection by their girlfriends or wives. But other men have never been taught.

You apparently received the affection you needed from your lover. It was your friend's affection that met your need. Your husband can learn to say and do many of the same things, and mean it.

Here are the list of things to do every day:

1. Hug and kiss your wife and tell her you love her every morning while you're still in bed. Rub her back for a few minutes before you get up.
2. Tell her that you love her while you are having breakfast together.
3. Kiss her and tell her you love her before you leave for work.
4. Call her during the day to ask how she is doing and that you love her.
5. After work, call her before you leave to tell her when you will be home, and tell her you love her.
6. Buy her flowers on the way home at least once a week, with a card that tells her you love her.
7. When you arrive home from work, give her a big hug and kiss and spend a few minutes talking to her about how her day went. Don't do anything else before you have given her your undivided attention.
8. Tell her that you love her as you are having dinner together.
9. Help her clear off the table and wash and dry the dishes with her, giving her a hug and kiss at least once, and tell her that you love her.
10. Hug and kiss her and tell her you love her in bed before you both go to sleep.

Wives will often complain that it's not real affection because it doesn't come from the heart. If their husbands have to be told what to do, they're not really being affectionate. But this exercise in affection is not fake. It is real. Their husbands really do love them and whenever they express that love, it is real. The problem is that they have not learned to express how they really feel.

When your husband says that you do not accept the things he does for you, you should explain that you don't need the things he does nearly as much as you need things he isn't doing. You cannot appreciate things you don't need, it's only what you need that you appreciate.

He really does want to meet your needs, but hasn't learned how to do it. It probably makes him frustrated to think how much he cares about you, but has not been able to show it.

The bottom line is that you have an emotional need for affection and your husband can learn to meet it. As soon as he becomes an expert at meeting this need, your temptation to find someone else to meet that need will disappear and your marriage will be just what you wanted.

What to Do When Your Conversation Becomes Boring and Unpleasant ( Part 2 )

The Enemies of Good Conversation

The conversation you and your wife once shared was enjoyable for both of you. You looked forward to talking to each other. But lately, it's not at all pleasant. In fact, it's something you often do out of duty rather than choice. That's because you have developed habits that make your conversations unpleasant. I call those habits Enemies of Good Conversation.

The First Enemy of Good Conversation is using conversation to force agreement to your way of thinking. It's okay to negotiate with your spouse, but it's not okay to be disrespectful. Negotiation should start with a problem and end with a mutually acceptable way to solve it. When disrespect enters the picture, you not only fail to solve the problem, you leave with hurt feelings.

If you are thinking, "I'm right and you're wrong," watch out! You are just an utterance away from disaster. The Love Buster, disrespectful judgments, will not straighten your spouse out, as you hope. Instead, it will drive your spouse away from you. At first, you will develop emotional distance with your tactics, as your superficial conversation demonstrates. But eventually it will lead to physical distance -- separation or divorce.

Instead of trying to force agreement to your way of thinking, discuss your differing perspectives with respect. Your spouse's point of view is worth considering. After you fully understand it, you may be persuaded to her way of thinking.

Quite frankly, couples are easily influenced by each other when they are respectful. Their joint wisdom is more profound than the wisdom of either of them separately, and they know that. But that wisdom is uncovered only through respectful persuasion, never through disrespectful judgments.

The Second Enemy of Good Conversation is dwelling on mistakes, past or present.

One of our important emotional needs is admiration. So whenever you remind your wife of achievements of her past or present, you deposit love units because she needs to be admired.

But when you remind her of her failures, you do the opposite. You undermine her confidence and self-esteem, and withdraw love units.

Criticism is painful in marriage because we need admiration so much. We want our spouses to be the most encouraging person we know, one who constantly reminds us of our strengths. We certainly don't want to be discouraged by being reminded of our weaknesses, particularly if it comes from our spouse.

In an intimate relationship we give the keys to our inner self to someone else so that person can be in a position to meet our emotional needs. Intimacy magnifies the pleasure we receive when our needs are met. But it also makes us vulnerable. The pain of criticism is magnified in an intimate relationship. Unprotected, we expose the china closet of our feelings. If the person is critical of us, they are like the proverbial "bull in a china closet." One romp through our inner self and we are not so quick to invite the bull back again.

Criticism now and then is bad enough, but spouses often get into the habit of dwelling on mistakes. These mistakes are mentioned repeatedly in an effort to make sure that the mistake is understood and corrected. But that's not how mistakes are understood or corrected. All this does is magnify the pain until conversation is too unpleasant to continue. Then hope of respectful negotiation is lost.

In your letter, you say that you and your spouse say the same things again and again. You may be referring to this enemy, dwelling on past mistakes. You may find yourselves repeating these criticisms because this enemy dominates your conversation. If that's the case, see it for the enemy it is. As long as you tolerate dwelling on mistakes, you cannot expect to meet each other's needs for conversation. You may withdraw so many love units that it ruins your love for each other.

The Third Enemy of Good Conversation is using conversation to punish each other. When you use words to punish your spouse, you are being abusive. Verbal abuse can be as harmful as physical abuse. When you hurl insults at your wife, you are trying to withdraw love units. You want her to feel bad. When conversation is used to punish her, you have entered a period of emotional divorce, where all hope of reconciliation is gone. All you care about is balancing the books -- repaying her for the pain you felt over something she did to you.

After all I've said about being sensitive, it seems as if this enemy of good conversation shouldn't be a problem. But, for many couples, it is. In spite of all of their efforts to be respectful, and avoid criticism, they blow it all by saying some of the most hurtful things to each other when they lose their tempers. It sure does ruin intimate conversation, and often leaves couples talking about not much more than the weather.

I would imagine that you and your wife have engaged in at least one of these three enemies of good conversation, and perhaps, all of them. That indulgence has not only left you with a history of unpleasant conversation, but it also may have prevented you from using some of the friends of good conversation. For example, if you are disrespectful, critical or verbally abusive, it's almost impossible to "investigate, inform and understand" your spouse. She will keep her thoughts to herself to prevent your from hurting her with your enemies of conversation.

Trust is essential for intimate conversation. If your wife thinks that you might use her personal revelations against her when an enemy of conversation has taken control of you, her lack of trust will prevent her from revealing her innermost thoughts.

On the other hand, if she knows you will guard her private thoughts and protect them from your criticism, she will be more likely to reveal them.

Enemies of good conversation often prevent implementation of the friends of good conversation. I suggest you focus on ridding your conversation of the enemies first. There's no point in introducing a friend of conversation when you haven't yet learned to be respectful. But then, after the enemies are rooted out, you will find that the friends make your conversation downright fascinating. Instead of being boring and unpleasant, your conversation will encourage you to spend hours together, creating the kind of intimacy that you need to have a fulfilling marriage.

Take pride in this effort. Become a professional at being the kind of conversationalist who meets your spouse's need in a far better way than anyone else could. It will encourage your spouse to develop the same skill in meeting your need. Then neither of you will ever feel like every conversation is like every other one you've had -- boring and unpleasant. Instead, each conversation will give you a little better understanding of each other, and bring you closer together.

What to Do When Your Conversation Becomes Boring and Unpleasant (Part 1 )

Introduction: Conversation is not just a means to an end, it is also the end itself. What I mean by that is that conversation in marriage does more than help us communicate and solve problems, it also meets one of our most important emotional needs -- the need to talk to someone. When you learn to meet that need for your spouse, it can deposit more love units than anything else you do.

The way you talk to each other is very important. Even if your spouse has a need for conversation, you can talk your way into Love Bank withdrawals very easily. And when conversation suffers, the solution to all other problems are bound to suffer.

The Friends of Good Conversation

Remember how it used to be? You and your wife used to be fascinated with each other. You would support and encourage each other. Empathy and understanding were almost effortless. You had many common interests to talk about. Somehow, you need to resurrect the kindness, consideration, empathy and interest you once shared in your conversations with each other.

Once you can talk to each other like that again, you will be meeting one of each other's most important emotional needs: The need for conversation. And if you can learn to do it well, you will deposit so many love units that you will become irresistible to each other again.

There are ways to make your conversation great. Let us call these the Friends of Good Conversation. If you incorporate these friends into the conversation you have with your spouse, you will get out of your rut. The first Friend of Good Conversation is using conversation to investigate, inform and understand your spouse. You and your spouse have not begun to exhaust all there is to know about each other. But, for some reason, you have stopped investigating. Your conversation has become predictable and uninteresting as a result.

I suggest that you investigate the facts of each other's personal histories, present experiences and plans for the future. Also investigate each other's attitudes and emotional reactions to those facts. You are bound to each other, through marriage, in a partnership that requires you to navigate through life with skill and coordination. Without conversation you will have neither, and your marriage may crash.

Why investigate? Why not just inform? Well, most of us don't just offer personal information about our deepest feelings. Someone must show an interest first. If you don't investigate with a genuine curiosity, your spouse is unlikely to share those feelings with you. Your curiosity about your spouse's thoughts and feelings is essential to her revealing them to you.

But curiosity is not all that's required. Trust is also essential. Your spouse must trust you with her personal feelings before she will expose them to you. I'll talk about building trust a little later when I get to the Enemies of Good Conversation.

Once personal information is requested, you should both inform each other of the facts of your personal histories, present experiences, plans for the future, and your attitudes and emotional reactions to all of those facts. To withhold accurate information about your inner self prevents intimacy and leaves the need for meaningful conversation unmet.

After you have investigated and informed each other of personal activities and feelings, you are in a position to understand each other. What motivates you and your spouse to do what you both do? What are your rewards, and what do you find punishing? What are your beliefs, and how are they put into practice? What are your most common positive and negative emotional reactions? What are your strengths and weaknesses? The list goes on and on. There is so much to know about each other, you will never get to know it all.

By reaching an understanding of each other, your conversation will break through the superficiality barrier. You become emotionally connected to each other, and able to bring out each other's best feelings, and avoid the worst. "Hidden agendas" are not possible because neither of you hide anything from each other.

The Second Friend of Good Conversation is developing interest in each other's favorite topics of conversation. Topics drive most conversations. We usually talk about something and this something keeps your conversation going. But we all like to talk about some topics more than others.

When you were dating, you probably tried to discover your wife's favorite topics of conversation, and she tried to discover yours. Then, you probably developed an interest in those topics so that your conversation would be more enjoyable.

Interests will change. Topics that may have interested your spouse when you were younger may have lost their attraction. Topics that were once completely boring, you may now find fascinating. Besides, you are encountering new topics almost every day.

You may have had compatible interests when you were first married, but have you kept up with each other's changing interests? Once you may have been able to talk for hours about mutual interests, now you may find yourselves struggling to find anything you have in common.

If that's the case, you must return to the mind-set you had when you were dating. In those days, you made an effort to talk about topics that your spouse found interesting, because you knew it would deposit love units. To make the conversation more interesting, you may have spent some time educating yourself on those topics. What may have started as an effort to be loved, may have turned into a genuine curiosity about subjects that interested your spouse.

I suggest that you make a mental note of subjects that interest your wife today, and educate yourself about those subjects. The same thing goes for your spouse, too. She should try to develop an understanding of some of your favorite topics of conversation.

What if both of you try to educate yourselves in each other's interests, and still find yourselves bored with certain subjects? There's no point in faking an interest in something that is truly boring to one of you, and there are literally hundreds of subjects that both of you will find interesting. So I suggest that after an initial effort, you abandon subjects that you do not find mutually interesting. The Policy of Joint Agreement can help you create an inventory of subjects that you both enjoy discussing (never talk about a subject without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse)

The Third Friend of Good Conversation is balancing the conversation. Conversation is a two-way street. But if you try to turn it into a one-way road, it becomes a speech. Conversation is meant to be interactive.

There are important rules of conversational etiquette that must be followed when you talk to each other. Don't interrupt or try talking over each other. Make sure that you both have a chance to finish a thought before the other person responds. If you notice that one of you is talking more than the other, the more talkative spouse should pause to give the less talkative spouse a chance to talk more.

Balancing the conversation simply refers to the importance of equal participation from each of you. Any effort you make to insure balance will make the conversation much more enjoyable, and more interesting.

The Fourth Friend of Good Conversation is giving each other undivided attention. Some people feel that they can do several things at once, so while talking to their spouse, they try to do something else, too. But you can't have an intimate conversation when you divide your attention. It leaves your wife feeling that she is not important enough for your full attention, or that other tasks are more important than she is.

If you find it difficult to talk to your spouse with your undivided attention, it could be that you have allowed competing activities (like television) to ruin your opportunity to deposit love units. There's nothing quite as frustrating as trying to talk to a spouse whose mind is somewhere else.

Couples must schedule time to give each other their undivided attention. If it's not on your schedule, you're not likely to do it. You will talk to each other on the fly, instead. And that doesn't deposit love units.

During courtship, I estimate that it takes about 15 hours a week of undivided attention for a couple to deposit enough love units to fall in love. Think back on your courtship. Without that amount of time for intimate conversation, I don't think you would have married.

But I bet you are not spending that kind of time now. In fact, it may only be about 15 minutes a week. How sad. I suggest that you correct the situation right now. Begin by working out a schedule with your wife so that you will have 15 hours of undivided attention from each other every week. The fifteen hours should include conversation, but it can meet other important emotional needs, too -- affection, sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship.

Happy Couples: What It Takes to Be One

The sight of a couple sharing a joke and walking hand in hand, their faces lined with wrinkles, and their hair gray, begs the question: How did they remain a happy couple for so many years?

Three important ingredients of happy couples:

Happy Couples: Developing Healthy Habits

* Avoid blowouts.

"The first is to learn to talk without fighting about inevitable conflicts,"Making a concerted effort to see the other person’s perspective, and avoiding the blame game of "she said" or "he did," goes a long way.

When things appear to be hedging toward a blowout,Take a "time out." It’s a tactic calls “exiting out of destructive fighting.”

* Recall the positive.

As parents often ask a child stewing in the time-out corner what she could have done differently, Couples in conflict take time to consider what brought them together in the first place. Then, make room for those factors in your life again. “You’ve got to protect and preserve those positive connections -- the friendship, the fun,” These are aspects of marriage that happy couples keep intact.

* Look to the future.

While turning the clock back can help couples rekindle lost connections, Simultaneously look forward. “You’ve got to have a long-term vision of the future, shared dreams, and plans that represent a commitment to one another and your family.

Happy Couples: Addressing a Sexless Marriage

That future, according to most marriage experts, should include a healthy sex life. While sex isn’t everything to happy couples, sexual problems can lead to marital discord. That men and women tend to have different ideas about sex doesn’t help matters.

“Generally speaking, women tend to see sexuality as part of a larger construct. Men are exactly the opposite,” “Women have to be in the mood. Men have to be in the room.”

Many times, misunderstandings over these differences lead to a break down in a healthy sexual relationship within a marriage, even among happy couples. The result, is a sexless marriage.

* Adopt a business approach to improve sex.

Seeing things from a business-like perspective helps couples reframe their sexual relationship.‘If this were a business, would you let it flounder like this?

Presenting sex in this light makes problems, and solutions, more concrete for couples. “By likening it [marriage] to a business mode -- with shared goals and missions; responsibilities, assets, and liabilities; and frequent business meetings -- things shift,”

* Make honest assertions.

To salvage their sex lives, some couples need to dig deeper. “Often, sex wasn’t good in the first place. A big complaint for women is that foreplay is bad or nonexistent,”But this isn’t easy for anyone to admit.Some couples simply aren’t prepared to tell, or hear, the truth. “A lot of couples fall out of it.

Happy Couples: Learning Financial Savvy

The topic of family finances is another hot-button topic, even for happy couples.

* Delegate the task of budget balancer.

Experts observe that most happy couples recognize that handling household finances should remain a singular task.

* Start an emergency fund.

Couples should plan for financial emergencies. This helps diffuse any potential blowups, such as who will sacrifice personal spending money when urgent house repairs must be funded.

When Your Sex Drives Don't Match

Sex is an extremely important part of marriage. When it's good, it offers couples opportunities to give and receive physical pleasure, to connect emotionally and spiritually. It builds closeness, intimacy, and a sense of partnership.

If you're the spouse whose libido is lacking, remember that your most powerful sexual organ is your brain; in order to feel more sexual, you first have to decide that a loving, satisfying sex life and marriage are important. Then commit to finding your untapped sexuality within.

If you're the spouse with greater sexual energy, you'll need to approach your partner with greater understanding and compassion, which will improve communication, compromise, and acceptance.

Here are tips for both types of spouses in your search for solutions:

Tips for the low-desire spouse

Everyone, even highly sexed people, experiences occasional lows in their sex drive. But what if your libido is nowhere to be found?

Two conditions should prompt you to take your sexual relationship off the back burner: when you think your sexual desire is a problem, or when your spouse is unhappy sexually.

Your low desire affects you and your spouse. If you think there's a problem, there's a problem. If your spouse is unhappy, there's a problem.

It's easy to believe that decisions about sexuality are so personal they should be based strictly on your own feelings and needs. If you're not in the mood, you're not in the mood. Right?

Not exactly. There are many reasons to stretch yourself if you're the person with lower desire. The main one is that unsatisfying sexual relationships often cause alienation, infidelity, and divorce. In most relationships, the spouse with the lower desire sets the pace for the sexual relationship, controlling when and how it happens.

Am I saying you should have sex any time your spouse desires or that you should go through the motions just to keep peace? No!

Many spouses with lower sex drives are essentially saying, "I know you're sexually unhappy. I won't do anything about that, but I still expect you to remain faithful." Can you see what's wrong with this picture?

When you decide to make sexuality more important, you and your spouse will become more emotionally connected. You will not only feel closer to your spouse, but you might also discover your sexual appetite hasn't really vanished; it was merely camouflaged!

Knowing why you're not so interested in sex won't boost your desire. Doing something about it will.
Here are some starters:

The Nike Solution. Consider adopting the old Nike slogan, "Just do it." Are you wondering, How will having sex when I'm not in the mood boost my desire?

Human sexuality experts once assumed all people experience sexual desire in a similar way: something triggers a sexy thought, which triggers an urge to act. Sexual stimulation then makes you feel aroused.

But recent studies show that for some people, sexual desire doesn't precede arousal; it actually follows it. Some people rarely (or never) find themselves fantasizing about sex, but when they become sexual with their spouses anyway, they become aroused. Once aroused, there's a desire to continue.

Just because one partner isn't hungering for sex doesn't mean he or she has a problem with arousal. Lots of people with low sexual desire actually enjoy sex once they get started.

Embers versus fireworks. Hormones don't have to be raging; you don't need an overwhelming feeling of passion. Many times, people with lower desire have sexual urges; they're just more subtle than their spouse's.

You might notice your husband looks great in his tight jeans and have a fleeting thought about sex. The thought may not linger, but it's there. Rather than allow these moments to go unnoticed, heed them and act on them.

Focus on the exceptions. Some people with low desire say they're more interested in making love under certain conditions—at certain times of the day, on weekends, after a bath or a good talk, on vacation, or when the kids are asleep. Identify what's different about the times you feel more inclined, and take advantage of those moments. If it's an option, create the opportunity. In other words, if hot baths turn you on, turn on the hot water.

Just say when. There will be times when you really don't feel like having sex. But instead of just saying no or "I'm too tired," which feels like a rejection to your spouse, offer an alternative. You could say, "I'm really exhausted right now, but if you're willing to wait until I catch a quick nap, I'd love to fool around then."

Give a gift. Less highly sexed spouses often assume that if they're not feeling sexual, there's nothing they can or should do to please their spouses. But you can show your love even if you're not in the mood by doing something that would please him or her sexually. Although I wouldn't recommend an exclusive diet of this, there's nothing wrong with just "taking care of" your spouse.

If you decide to give the gift of being sexual even when you don't feel like it, don't be resentful, or it really isn't a gift. This doesn't mean you have to fake breathless orgasms; it just means you should show some enthusiasm. It's good to occasionally push yourself a little to be a loving sexual partner.

Tips for the high-desire spouse

If you want sex more often than your spouse, you probably feel frustrated and powerless. But more than anything else, you've been feeling rejected, hurt, and alone.

First, you need to understand the real causes of low sexual desire, because your favorite theories are probably destructive and inaccurate. You might think your spouse's lack of affection represents a lack of love. But that's not necessarily true. In fact, your spouse may love you completely and yet still not desire sex. Or you might believe your spouse is avoiding intimacy out of mean-spiritedness or vindictiveness. And that's often a false assumption. Your spouse isn't trying to hurt you on purpose. When you truly take this to heart, it will take the sting out of your reactions to your mate.

Even if your spouse's low desire is due to low testosterone or a rotten childhood—conditions that have absolutely nothing to do with you—your approach to this sensitive subject can make a big difference.

Start with yourself. Consider what it would be like to rarely desire another person sexually. What would it be like to know millions of people are easily turned on, but you feel deader than a doorknob? And what if your spouse, the person you love most, had no understanding of what you're going through? What if she kept telling you about her unhappiness in the marriage, that you're a sexual disappointment? How would you feel?

While you're unhappy about the difference in your sexual appetites, you're not alone; your spouse isn't having a picnic either. Given the choice, your spouse wouldn't opt for this chasm between you. Even if your spouse appears uncaring about your feelings, he's hurting too. It's no fun knowing you've fallen short in the eyes of a person you love.

Perhaps your spouse's lack of desire stems from marital stress or discord. If so, be willing to acknowledge your contribution to the problem and to change yourself. A more loving marriage may be the only aphrodisiac your relationship needs.

Strike while the iron is hot. Testosterone levels rise and fall at different times, and there may be times when your spouse is more receptive. In many men, testosterone surges in the early morning, around 7 or 8 A.M. If you're a woman whose husband isn't as interested as you'd like, even if you're not quite in the mood early in the morning, you might give yourself an extra push to see if your husband is "up" yet.

If you're a man, you should know your wife's hormones spike too. It may be later in the evening, in the middle of her menstrual cycle, or closer to the end of the month. Ask your wife to see if she notices certain times when she feels slightly sexier than other times.

Talk about you. Rather than criticize your spouse's character or actions, talk about how you are feeling. Instead of saying, "You're just saying no to punish me," say, "While I know you aren't trying to hurt me, when we make love so infrequently, I feel as if you're not attracted to me or that you don't love me." When you share your feelings rather than accuse, you're more likely to be met with compassion rather than defensiveness.

Be willing to help. Express your willingness to change or approach your sexual relationship differently if it will help. Ask, "Is there something I could do differently that would make you feel more turned on or more interested in me physically?"

Help your spouse feel ready. Do you ever feel that your spouse won't make love until a long list of prerequisites have been met? Have you been frustrated by trying to meet your spouse's requests in the past, only to get rebuffed?

If you frequently dismiss your spouse's "wish list" of mood-enhancing needs, your spouse will feel misunderstood and disregarded. Try to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Do what your spouse asks, even if you're not positive it will make a difference. That's part of the gift you can give.

Try a little acceptance. If still nothing works, you can decide to continue being miserable, resenting your spouse, continuing to fight, and remaining distant. Or you can decide to accept what isn't changeable about your marriage. If your marriage is basically good other than your sexual relationship, you can tell yourself, I love my spouse. While I wish things were different, I'm going to accept my mate the way she is. I won't take her lack of desire personally. From now on, I won't make sex an issue between us. I'll focus on the strengths in our marriage and work hard at letting go of the rest.

Hard to do? You bet. Marriages are never perfect; even the great ones have their shortcomings. Find other ways to build closeness and connection. Attend a marriage conference or seminar. Meet with a marriage or family counselor. And above all, pray about it, asking God to help both of you change, if necessary, to renew the spark in your sexual intimacy.

No matter how distant you and your spouse may feel, it's never too late to have a loving, intimate, mutually satisfying sexual relationship. Never.

10 Pregnancy Myths

Once you've spread the news that you're pregnant, don't be surprised if family, friends and even strangers start giving you homespun advice.

The truth is, pregnancy is rife with Old Wives' tales that have been passed from generation to generation.

Here are some of the most common myths which, while entertaining, are not at all true.

* The Spicy Food Fraud
Spicy food will bring on labor. "For the most part, pregnant women can eat just about anything, but there are certain foods that we tell them to look out for, or to try and avoid, Those include very soft cheeses, unpasteurized cheeses and raw-milk cheese. Though rare, they may contain a bacteria called lysteria that has been associated with miscarriage or pre-term labor.
* The Fetal Heart Rate Fallacy
If your baby's heart is low, you're carrying a boy. If it's high, it's a girl.
* The You-Can't-Be-Too Careful Yarn
If a pregnant woman raises her hands above her head, she'll choke her baby.
* The Steamy Sex Superstition
Making mad, passionate love will induce labor. "Sex is not going to cause you to go into labor, but we tell people to go ahead anyway, It's worth trying.
* The Old Heartburn Harangue
If a pregnant woman has frequent heartburn, her baby will have a full head of hair.
* The Sty-in-the-Eye-Lie
Those who deny a pregnant woman the food she craves will get a sty in their eye.
* The Ugly Stick Trick
If a pregnant woman sees something ugly or horrible, her baby will be ugly. "That one's wrong on two counts — one is there's no scientific evidence, but number two is that there's no such thing as an ugly baby.
*The Old Java Jive
A baby born with light brown birthmarks (known as cafe au lait spots), the mother drank too much coffee or had unfulfilled cravings during her pregnancy. Again, a myth!
*The Gender Bender
If a pregnant woman's face breaks out, she is carrying a girl who will steal all of her mother's beauty. The thing about it is that it's so chauvinistic — why is it that a girl's going to steal her mother's beauty? — anyway, it's not true, it's ridiculous.
* The Poor Complexion Connection
A woman who carries wide, is having a girl. A woman who carried forward, is having a boy. "It's a common myth, but it's not true.

During pregnancy, the best strategy is to "take advice from friends with a grain of salt,who adds, but when it comes to the advice from your doctor you should really listen up."

The Reality Of Married Life

Be careful and discreet; it is much easier to get married than unmarried. If you have the right mate, it's heavenly; but if not, you live in a twenty-four-hour daily hell that clings constantly to you, it can be one of the bitterest things in life. Life is indeed strange. Somehow, when you find the right one, you know it in your heart. It is not just an infatuation of the moment. But the powerful urges of sex drive a young person headlong into blind acts and one cannot trust his feelings too much.Love is much more than sex though; it is the biological foundation between a man and a woman; love and sex get all inter-twined and mixed up".

Problems

Almost everyday, we hear people complaining about their marriages. Very seldom do we hear stories about a happy marriage. Young people reading romantic novels and seeing romantic films often conclude that marriage is a bed of roses. Unfortunately, marriage is not as sweet as one thinks. Marriage and problems are interrelated and' people must remember that when they are getting married, they will have to face problems and responsibilities that they had never expected or experienced hitherto.

People often think that it is a duty to get married and that marriage is a very important event in their lives. However, in order to ensure a successful marriage, a couple has to harmonize their lives by minimizing whatever differences they may have between them. Marital problems prompted a cynic to say that there can only be a peaceful married life if the marriage is between a blind wife and a deaf husband, for the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and a deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of his wife.

Sharing and Trust

One of the major causes of marital problems is suspicion and mistrust. Marriage is a blessing but many people make it a curse due to lack of understanding.

Both husband and wife should show implicit trust for one another and try not to have secrets between them. Secrets create suspicion, suspicion leads to jealously, jealousy generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation, suicide or even murder.

If a couple can share pain and pleasure in their day-to-day life, they can console each other and minimize their grievances. Thus, the wife or husband should not expect to experience only pleasure. There will be a lot of painful, miserable experiences that they will have to face. They must have the strong willpower to reduce their burdens and misunderstandings. Discussing mutual problems will give them confidence to live together with better understanding.

Man and woman need the comfort of each other when facing problems and difficulties. The feelings of insecurity and unrest will disappear and life will be more meaningful, happy and interesting if there is someone who is willing to share another's burden.

Blinded by Emotions

When two people are in love, they tend to show only the best aspects of their nature and character to each other in order to project a good impression of themselves. Love is said to be blind and hence people in love tend to become completely oblivious of the darker side of each other's natures.

In practice, each will try to highlight his or her sterling qualities to the other; and being so engrossed in love, they tend to accept each other at "face value" only. Each lover will not disclose the darker side of his or her nature for fear of losing the other. Any personal shortcomings are discreetly swept under the carpet, so to speak, so as not to jeopardize their chances of winning each other. People in love also tend to ignore their partner's faults thinking that they will be able to correct them after marriage, or that they can live with these faults, that "love will conquer all".

However, after marriage, as the initial romantic mood wears off, the true nature of each other's character will be revealed. Then, much to the disappointment of both parties, the proverbial veil that had so far been concealing the innermost feelings of each partner is removed to expose the true nature of both partners. It is then that disillusion sets in.

Material Needs

Love by itself does not subsist on fresh air and sunshine alone. The present world is a materialistic world and in order to meet your material needs, proper financing and budgeting is essential. Without it, no family can live comfortably. Such a situation aptly bears out the saying that "when poverty knocks at the door, love flies through the window". This does not mean that one must be rich to make a marriage work. However, if one has the bare necessities of life provided through a secure job and careful planning, many unnecessary anxieties can be removed from a marriage.

The discomfort of poverty can be averted if there is complete understanding between the couple. Both partners must understand the value of contentment. Both must treat all problems as "our problems" and share all the "ups" and "downs" in the true spirit of a long-standing life partnership.