9 Powers of Apologizing: Communication to Heal Your Relationships

There are many powers of apologizing. They go beyond healing your relationships too encouraging open communication and repairing self-esteem. Here are the 9 powers of apologizing:

1. When you admit your mistakes and do not hide your weaknesses, other people you come across are more able to do the same. They own more courage to begin practicing the power of apologizing. You act as a role model and an encourager.

2. We all are extremely flawed. Yeah, that is the suck reality. If we were cars, we'd breakdown every 50 miles and require servicing just as often. But we are not mechanical beings. Thank goodness for that. We are Earthlings who reside on a planet of mistakes and apologies are an absolute necessity to bring balance in our lives. I am sure most Christians are aware we all constantly sin and make mistakes despite our desires to do what is right and good. We are only Earthlings.

3. When apologizing you begin to fix the problem you created and the healing process begins. By not apologizing you are merely sweeping dirt under a rug. By not apologizing you are covering up your actions hoping to get on with life. It does not work that way. The problem will reappear and bite you when you least expect it and at the worst time. That is one of Murphy's Law which states that the worst thing will happen the worst way and at the worst possible time.

4. If someone hurts you it is justice to have them apologize to you. For some reason this is not the case when we hurt someone. The hurting person desires your sympathy as much as you desire theirs.

5. Apologizing is giving back what you have taken. You restore the victims feeling of worthiness and self-esteem. When a person is continually damaged from someone else's actions and lack of apologies, their entire self-concept goes straight in the bin. They feel absolutely useless. Yes, not apologizing is that powerfully destructive. This principle is more so true for children. A child cannot be expected to accept other's mistakes that damage how they feel of themselves as being a part of life.

6. By having complete responsibility of your actions you possess an enormous amount of self-control. You do not become a victim of others. You become your own person. You begin to create your own destiny. By taking action and guiding your thoughts and feelings, you stop blaming others for what has happened to you and your relationships.

7. By sincerely apologizing you show effort in a relationship. You are taking action on the relationship by apologizing. That is an entire different mindset to avoiding mistakes in an attempt to "secretly get by".

8. We become greater than our desires. When asking for forgiveness you rise above your destructive inner desire to not show remorse and you become a far greater person. You no longer need to cover up your behavior as you have brought it into the light. This takes courage! Your newfound courage will roll into other areas of your life as you begin to face upto other difficult issues you had avoided in the past.

9. Apologizing produces guilt in other people for the better. They see you apologize for your mistake and compare it to their contribution to the mistake or another mistake they have made. They may become aware that what they have done is far worse then your mistake which produces guilt and possibly leads them too also apologizing. You can say apologizing has a "chain-reaction" affect.

Who would have thought there is this much power in apologizing!

Dealing With Anger In Your Marriage

At some point, everyone gets angry at their spouse. It could be over something minor like leaving the cap off of the toothpaste, or something on a larger scale like disrespecting you in front of other people. The anger itself is not a sin...it's what you then do with it and how you respond to it that can potentially be classified as sin.

How are you dealing with your anger in your marriage?

There are different ways that people typically deal with anger. Many people internalize their feelings of anger. In trying to avoid dealing with it, unforgiveness and bitterness take root, gradually poisoning their marriage. Turning it inward doesn't deal with the anger; instead it's allowed to build up over time.

Others externalize it. They turn their anger outward, towards their spouse, kids, or anyone else who gets in their line of fire. They let their feelings lead them to hurt others, either verbally or physically. Many of these people profess that they just "couldn't control themselves." This is a person that's controlled by their emotions, instead of being in control of their emotions. These people will continue to physically or verbally abuse their spouses or kids as long as they can get away with it.

Now, take that same "out of control" person and put them up next to a 300 pound linebacker. Do you think they would control themselves enough to keep from slapping that linebacker around? Oh yeah, because they know they couldn't get away with that...not without some pretty hefty consequences.

We should never let our feelings of anger cause us to get "out of control."

So what are some ways to deal with anger in marriage?

1) Admit to yourself and God that you are angry. There's no reason for denying it. Plus, as you get it out in the open, you'll be better prepared to deal with it.

2) Don't yield to your feelings. If you think you may say or do something that you'll regret, walk away from the situation until you have control over your emotions. Take a deep breath to bring your physical reactions to anger under control. Realize that YOU are totally responsible for your own actions.

3) Whether the wrong committed against you was real or perceived, intentional or accidental, bring the offense to God and forgive your spouse. Forgiveness is not for the other person, it's for you. As you get in the habit of actually forgiving your spouse, your anger will lead you into sin less often.

4) Don't give the devil a foothold by dwelling on the offense. If you've forgiven your husband or wife, quit replaying the situation over in your mind. Otherwise, not only will you cause those angry feelings to come back, but you will give the devil the opportunity to add fuel to the fire by telling you how evil your spouse is. This will only serve to send you back to square one, negating any progress you've made.

If you've let your anger lead you into sin in the past, ask God to forgive you and let it go. You can't control what you've done in the past, but you can control what you do now and in the future. Start preparing now for the next time you get angry, because the time will come again when you'll need to deal with it. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you control yourself and diffuse the anger without sinning. And remember Luke 1:37 "For nothing is impossible with God."

Selfish Demands

We were all born with instincts to help us survive the trials and travails of life. Some instincts are very helpful and others are downright stupid and abusive. One of our more stupid and abusive instincts, especially in marriage, is making demands.

If we make a request for something we want or need, and the request is turned down, our instincts encourage us to take more forceful steps. And the first thing that comes to mind is usually a demand.

Demands carry a threat of punishment -- an if-you-refuse-me-you'll- regret-it kind of thing. In other words, you may dislike what I want, but if you don't do it, I'll see it it that you suffer even greater pain

People who make demands don't seem to care how others feel. They think only of their own needs. "If you find it unpleasant to do what I want, tough! And if you refuse, I'll make it even tougher," is what they seem to be saying.

Demands depend on power. They don't work unless the demanding one has the power to make good on his threats. But who has power in marriage? Ideally, there is shared power, the husband and wife working together to accomplish mutual objectives. But when one spouse starts making demands-along with threats that are at least implied-it's a power play. The threatened spouse often strikes back, fighting fire with fire, power with power. Suddenly, it's a test of power-who will win the battle?

If the demanding partner doesn't have enough power to follow through with the threat, he or she often receives punishment, at least in the form of ridicule. But if power is fairly equal between a husband and wife, a battle rages until one or the other surrenders. In the end, the one meeting the demand feels deep resentment and is less likely to meet the need in the future. When the demand is not met, both spouses feel resentment.

Without a doubt, you and your spouse need to find an effective way to motivate each other to meet your needs. But demands are nothing short of abuse. In fact, it's usually the first stage of verbal abuse that ultimately leads to fights in marriage.

If you make demands of your spouse and expect obedience, you are being controlling and manipulative. Your spouse will try to escape your abuse, and instead of becoming responsive to your needs, he or she will have as little to do with you as possible. Is that what you want? Do you want to drive your spouse away from you?

Neither of you is a sergeant and neither of you is a private. You do not have the right to tell each other what to do, and if you try, you will find that it doesn't work. If you try to force your spouse to meet your needs, it becomes a temporary solution at best, and resentment is sure to rear it's ugly head. Demands and other forms of manipulation do not build compatibility; they build resentment.

There is a wise alternative to selfish demands, and that's thoughtful requests. This approach to getting what you need from each other begins by simply explaining what you would like, and asking your spouse how he or she would feel fulfilling your request. If he or she indicates that the request will be unpleasant to fulfill, discuss alternative ways your spouse could help you that would not be unpleasant.

How do you know if your spouse is "in love" with you?

If you were asked, "Is your spouse in-love with you?" what would you say. Or better yet, how would you find out?

Most people use two common techniques to determine whether or not their spouse is in-love with them:

1. Ask

The straight forward approach is typically what most people use.

Do you love me?" one would ask the other.
"Why, of course I do, Honey."
or
"What do you think?" replies the spouse.

And, if there is sincerity in the delivery, the questioning would stop right there.

However, if there was something insincere about the answer, the following technique would be used:

2. Observe

Does the actions of your spouse support the idea that they are in-love with you? Are you treated with care? Are you treated in a "loving" manner? Does your spouse act like he/she is in-love with you? This approach to answering the question of being in-love or not tends to be the litmus test. Most of us judge a person's heart by their actions. Right or wrong, that's what we do. When the actions are in direct conflict with what the person says, suspicion typically follows.

Although the above techniques are used on a frequent basis, they are both wrought with the potential for error.

Ask Yourself

Ask yourself "Should _____ be in love with me?" In other words, are you giving your spouse a reason to be in-love with you?

Emotional Needs and Love Busters

In order to answer your own question, you must first know two things:

1. What are your spouseﾒs most important emotional needs and how does he/she like them to be met?
2. What are your Love Busters (from your spouse's perspective) and have you eliminated them?

Without knowing the answers to the above questions, you are guessing. And what's more, if you don't know the answers, you are probably tainting your guesses with how you like your own needs to be met (emotional needs) and what you believe is irritating (Love Busters).

Bottom line

You must be successful at developing and maintaining your skills to meet your spouse's needs and also, demonstrate an ability to protect him/her from yourself (your Love Busters). Because it boils down to this: If you're not successful at giving your spouse a reason to be in-love with you, then he/she won't be.

Admiration

If you have the need for admiration, you may have fallen in love with your spouse partly because of his or her compliments to you. Some people just love to be told that they are appreciated. Your spouse may also have been careful not to criticize you because criticism may hurt you deeply if you have this need.

Many of us have a deep desire to be respected, valued and appreciated by our spouse. We need to be affirmed clearly and often. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way. Even God wants us to appreciate Him.

Admiration is one of the easiest needs to meet. Just a word of appreciation, and presto, you've made someone's day. On the other hand, it's also easy to be critical. A trivial word of rebuke can set some people on their heels, ruining their day and withdrawing love units at an alarming rate.

Your spouse may have the power to build up or deplete his or her account in your Love Bank with just a few words of admiration or criticism. If you are affected that easily, be sure to add admiration to your list of important emotional needs.