The High Price of a Bad Relatonship

When things go sour, it's not only your heart that can be broken.

The health benefits of marriage are undeniable. But there's also a dark side: Evidence is mounting that, at least for women, crummy marriages are health vampires, and relationship stress--even more than work stress--undermines the body's physiological defenses.

Couples who handle their disagreements in a negative way, for example, don't heal as well,tiny suction wounds made on the palms of their hands.

Afterward, they talked to each other about marital sore spots like money, in-laws,The couples in happy marriages mended very quickly, while those in nasty relationships characterized by zingers, sarcasm, and put-downs, healed 40% more slowly.

However, the women's bodies proved to be far more sensitive to hostile remarks than the men.

"Biologically, the different reactions women have to a husband who says 'You idiot' versus 'I guess you and I just see this differently' are enormous," she says. "Women just have a more intense physiological reaction to hostility in relationships than men do."

This happens, she says, for two reasons: First, women tend to evaluate negativity in their own relationships accurately, "while men tend to be semi-oblivious to it." And second, even when the negativity registers with men, "they tend to forget it quickly, while women will often relive the angry exchanges over and over, for hours."

Women don't seem to get used to nastiness and negativity, even in good marriages. The happy older couples who had been married an average of 42 years. Just like in the newlyweds, stress hormones increased during conflict, but only for the women.

"It would be nice if we could just say to ourselves, I should be more thick-skinned and not take his remarks so personally, but women can't seem to shut it off like that. It's not like there's a hearing aid we can yank out of our ears,if the bad feelings and hostility are still alive in you emotionally, then they're still affecting you physically."