Anger In Marriage

Is it wrong to feel angry?

A good question. Certainly anger is not a comfortable feeling to have. It may be a slow smouldering feeling burning us up inside, or perhaps a fierce boiling feeling ready to overflow into words and actions at any moment.

Actually the feeling of anger is very simply the reaction inside us to something someone has done or said or an event that has occurred.

When do you feel angry?

I feel angry when someone has let me down, lied to me or ignored me. Beneath that is a need in me to be valued which has not been met.

Sometimes I feel angry over an injustice and that spurs me on to do something about it, if I can.

There is nothing morally wrong about feeling anger at something, but most of us would agree that it would be wrong of me to hit my husband, because I was angry with him. What we do with our anger is so important.

Destructive anger

Feelings of anger may not last, but we can develop an attitude of anger, which is not actually an emotional thing. It's when we hold on to our anger, offence and resentment, nursing it and feeding it, so it grows. Bitterness can follow on and hardness of heart, an unwillingness to forgive and a desire to hurt someone and make them pay. That sort of anger can be very destructive - it tends to distort our view of reality, making it even harder for us to forgive and heal a relationship.

We can become more and more focused on the injury, the injustice or hurt. It draws all our focus onto our hurt, onto the issue. We no longer see the other person's point of view. We withdraw into ourselves, trying to punish them, even by our coldness. It kills relationships.

Handling Anger

What do we do if we discover anger has taken a hold of us? Admitting that the anger is there is a good start.

We all have different ways of handling anger that we've learnt as we grew up. Some of us can't handle it, we let it pour out of us like molten metal, burning everything in range.

We may hold it in, smolder and become more and more resentful, or we may boil over quickly and it's all gone.

The trouble is if we boil over, the damage may be done before we've calmed down. Words can be said that cannot be easily forgotten.

Anger often makes us lose sight of others� needs totally and focus only on our own hurt. It's amazing what a keen sense of justice and injustice we have when we're the injured party.

Perhaps something between the two is better. If we can hold on to our angry words long enough to think rationally about things, then we may manage to make some decisions about what to do with our anger. Anger can be expressed calmly. It can be expressed in a way that doesn't seek to destroy another person. It can be used to push us into sorting a problem out with someone else rather than just brushing it under the carpet.

The hurt behind the anger may be very real. We may need to talk about it, either with our partner or with someone we can trust. If you talk with your partner, try and remember they may not have intended hurting you and may regret it.

Forgiveness is an important step - making a decision not to demand revenge. It's hard to do this if we have a sense that someone is "getting away with something". We may need to remember some of our own past mistakes and what it meant to us to be forgiven. It takes a lot of courage to face up to mistakes and to own up to them. One never knows what reception one may get. Treat others as you wish to be treated yourself.

We may need to say sorry to our loved one for holding onto the anger and being unforgiving. It may also help to recognise how we were hurt. Perhaps we were expecting too much of our partner; perhaps we were too easily offended or too sensitive.

Some good advice I've heard at a wedding was never to let the sun go down on a quarrel or anger. It is always possible to start the healing process by saying sorry for hurtful words. A good nights sleep and time to reflect may bring some wisdom on how to sort things out further. Using conflict constructively to sort out problems and resolve issues can really strengthen a relationship.

At the end of the day what is more important - your relationship or giving vent to your anger and sense of being wronged?

Sexual Expectations: Realistic or Not

Whether you are involved with someone new or married for a years to the same person, you and your partner each bring to the union a set of sexual expectations.

"To expect," as defined by Webster’s, means "to consider reasonable, due or necessary." Expectations are our beliefs about how things ought to be. Certain sexual expectations are near-universal: To use a very basic example, most of us expect to have sexual relations with the person we marry.

But a couple’s expectations may clash when it comes to the particulars of their sexual relationship. For instance, her idea of "regular sex" may be twice a week while he considers twice a month sufficient. Or he may think that his partner should consistently reach orgasm during lovemaking while she doesn’t care whether she climaxes every time. Because of her partner’s expectations, though, she may feel guilty when she doesn’t.

When we enter into an intimate relationship, we often bring expectations based on our past sexual experiences; this can lead to problems if people have too firmed a grip on their expectations." For example, he said, "I’ve seen many men who expect their mate to reach orgasm from intercourse because they claim that previous partners have all had orgasms that way." If the man’s current partner is unable to achieve coital orgasms, "he assumes that there’s something wrong."

Judging your partner’s sexual traits against those of other people is not only unfair, it’s also unrealistic. Every person’s sexuality is unique, and it just doesn’t make sense to expect your mate to be like anyone else. People also should realize that when making such comparisons, they often idealize and exaggerate the sexual attributes of their past lovers.

It also is not uncommon for people to measure their mate against some imagined ideal of what a man or woman "should" be like: e.g., "men are always ready to have sex" or "women who like sex have multiple orgasms." But such expectations set the stage for frustration and relationship conflict. The person whose expectations are dashed feels disappointed, even angry, at his or her partner’s lack of so-called "normal" sexual response. And when these feelings are communicated, verbally or otherwise, the partner is likely to end up feeling inadequate as well as resentful.

Although change is certainly possible in any relationship, a person’s basic personality (including their sexual self) tends not to change dramatically in the course of a lifetime. "If your partner’s sexual appetite has always been much less than yours, there are ways for the two of you to work with that and get more out of the relationship, But it’s probably not realistic to expect that one day your partner will somehow be transformed into someone with a very high libido.

When Sexual Expectations Fall Short not all sexual expectations, however, are unrealistic. Sometimes expectations for a better sex life can be a positive motivating force, if both partners are willing to make sex a priority, then there’s a pretty good shot at making that happen.

Sex lives suffer not because their expectations are too high but because they are too low, we tend not to give sex sufficient attention and importance, it is very common for people to put sex on the back burner, to regard it as cursory rather than one of life’s great pleasures."

Determining What Realistic Is

No matter what your situation, you can choose to make it better, but if your expectations are narrowly defined, you’re less inclined to make positive changes. When people feel that they don’t have choices, that’s when their expectations are too narrow. They don’t get as much out of life as they could.

But then, unhappiness also can result from expecting too much, harboring expectations that are unlikely to be fulfilled. So, how does one identify which sexual expectations are realistic and which aren’t?

There are no hard-and-fast rules. But a good place to start is to learn more about male and female sexual physiology because many people’s expectations are based on misconceptions about these physical realities. Especially prevalent in this culture are misconceptions about women’s orgasm. For example, many believe it’s the norm for women to climax through intercourse. But that view is contradicted, most women cannot reach orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation, which intercourse doesn’t usually provide.

Becoming aware of this simple fact can make a world of difference for couples whose intimate lives have suffered because of a misguided belief.

If you think that your sex life could be better, you and your partner need to talk "about what’s fixable and what isn’t. But if certain changes are inevitable, the best we can do is adjust our expectations and work with what we have. When sexual expectations are in keeping with reality, they are much more likely to be fulfilled — and that means greater sexual happiness…

Secrets of Successful Married Life

Successful marriage depends on trust, respect and love for each other. These are three pillars of any successful married life. Apart from these if you couples or singles know the tips to success given below, i am sure, you will not face any problem in your married life.

Preparations

Be with each other.
Provide a refuge and sanctuary for each other from the chill winds of the world. Your marriage is a hearth, from whence comes the peace, harmony, and warmth of soul and spirit. Its like bicycle, where it is necessary for both wheels to work.

Love to be loved.
Warm your loved one's body with your healing touch. Remember that as babies can die with lack of touching, so can marriages wither from lack of closeness. Touch is the best feeling which you can give to anybody, even plants grow faster if you touch them daily and here its you n your beloved.

Be more like a friend.
Friendship can be a peaceful island, separate and apart, in a world of turmoil and strife. Reflect upon the tranquility of the many future years you can share with a true friend, and beware of becoming battling enemies under the same roof. Don't forget," Friendship is a plant whose roots are embedded in hearts and flower blossom in heaven".

Openness is key to success.
Bind not yourselves in the secretness that causes suspicion and doubt. Trust and reveal yourselves to each other, even as the budding rose opens to reveal its fragrance and beauty. This is the most important point in married life, openness, be frank and say what ever you want, don't look like under the carpet deal, as this will built suspicion and tension

Listen to know each other.
And hear not only words, but also the non-language of tone, mood, and expression. Learn to listen to understand rather than listening to argue. Listening each other will help you to know each other better and give little space for arguments and tensions.

Respect each other feelings.
Remember that each is a person of flesh and blood, entitled to his or her own choices and mistakes. Each owns himself, and has the right to equality. Remember criticism divides, while compliments encourage confidence in the other. Try to ignore each other mistakes, this will help you both. Respect each other feelings and choices, don't blatantly speak out about the choices.

Allow the individuality.
Seek not to create for each other a new mold that can only fit with much discomfort and pain. Accept the other as they are, as you would have yourself accepted. Be what you are and never try to restrain your ideologies and words on each other. Let both of you maintain a individuality with space to fit each other rather causing discomfort and pain.

Enjoy your togetherness.
Let no one come between your togetherness, not child, not friend, nor worldly goods. Yet maintain enough separateness to allow each other his or her own uniqueness.

Don't boost.
Never boost about your individuality and independence. Boosting in public or parties can cause/develop tension in your life as no person would like to hear boosting unnecessary.

Respect your husband.
The most Important, never give an impression that just because you are not dependent on your husband you can do anything and that your husband has no right to tell you anything. Don't fight over small matters and learn to avoid unnecessary tensions.

10 Commandments for a Successful Married Life

Immature love says: "I love you because I need you."
Mature love says: "I need you because I love you."

1. Love Comes First: Physical love is good, but there has to be genuine spiritual love also in your heart. Your immediate neighbor is your own spouse. So let charity begin at home and set an example by loving your spouse first and foremost. Follow the scripture: "Love thy neighbor as thyself".

2. Narrow the Gulf: Whether it is a love marriage, arranged marriage or forced marriage, differences are bound to arise. Both of you come from different backgrounds, upbringings and environments. You must be ready to overlook the sharp differences, lapses or shortcomings.

3. Forgive & Forget: Remember, to forgive is divine, and keep doing it, even if you have to repeat this process for infinite times.

4. Begin the Day Cool: Early in the morning, both spouses should try to remain calm and cool. No discussions or arguments in the early morning hours.

5. Silence Can Save: When you leave home for work in the morning, be at your best behavior. If one of you is provoked or complains, silence is the best answer. Conversely, you can say, "We will discuss it in the evening".

6. Inquire & Appreciate: After you return home, enquire and take interest in one another's activity during the day: "How was your day?" You must show your genuine appreciation and sympathy. Top it with a pleasant smile.

7. Listen & Sympathize: Do listen to your spouse attentively and sympathetically. Never ignore. Even at your place of work, if you get a telephone call from your partner, be polite and courteous, in spite of your busy schedule.

8. Don't Forget to Compliment: Make use of "Thank you", "Well done", "You have done a good job", and "I am sorry", as frequently as is necessary. Be generous in your praise and compliments.

9. Don't Compare: Do not enter into comparisons. No one is 100% perfect or 100% imperfect. We all have flaws and shortcomings. Always look at the good qualities of your spouse.

10. Keep Smiling: Be cheerful and smile away your problems. Give a smile as often as you can. Only a human person is endowed with this blessing. Animals do not have this rare faculty. Did you know you use only 20 muscles for a smile but 70 muscles for a frown? So, keep smiling!

Married…with Passion (Why a good sex life is worth forethought as well as foreplay)

Think about it: 90 percent of life is filled with mundane tasks, such as changing dirty diapers, cleaning up countless spills, paying the bills, going to the grocery store, working. And many men and women have financial obligations that require them to work in deadly dull jobs.

Into this world of obligation and responsibility, God has dropped something absolutely fabulous into our laps. At the end of the day (and sometimes at the beginning!), when our work is done and the kids are in bed, we can touch, kiss, and pleasure each other in such a way that the world feels light-years away.

A fulfilling sex life colors the marriage from top to bottom and is a powerful marital glue—even stronger than children, common values, faith, or dreams.

The kind of sex I'm talking about takes work and forethought—but the dividends are worth the effort.

Women: Why you want to make hubby happy

1. A sexually fulfilled husband will do anything for you.

Sex is such a basic need for men that when this area is well taken care of, they feel immense appreciation and act accordingly. A sexually fulfilled man drives to work thinking, I'm so glad I married that woman. I must be the happiest man alive! And then heads home thinking, What special thing can I do for my wife this evening? If you want this kind of loyalty and appreciation, meet your husband's sexual needs; no other need generates such deep thankfulness.

Some wives may be thinking, I tried that, and it didn't work. You can't just "try" this; it has to become a way of life. One good time of sex will make a man thankful—for a while. But if he's turned down the next five times, he'll think about the five rejections, not that one special night.

For the majority of men, this sexual need is the primary request they seek from their wives. You can be the best cook, and a fantastic conversationalist, but if you put no effort into your lovemaking, your husband will feel disappointed. Conversely, if you give your husband a thrilling sex life, you might be surprised at how little he cares about other things that go wanting.

2. A sexually fulfilled husband is a scriptural mandate.

In 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 the apostle Paul writes: "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

While I don't pretend to be a Bible scholar, I can give you the Leman translation: Paul is telling us he wants us to do it. And if we want to stop for prayer, that's okay. And then what I love about this great saint of the church is that he wants us to do it again!

Now, if talking to your husband, I'd remind him that one of the all-time great biblical lines is, "Love does not demand its own way" (1 Corinthians 13:5, NLT). When a guy tries to use 1 Corinthians 7 to get his wife to do something kinky or distasteful to her, that's not what Paul is talking about.

Marriage is an exercise in mutual submission. Admittedly, there are times you're too pooped to whoop; but if you're the only one too pooped, you may be willing to whoop anyway because you know that will please your spouse.

Here's a common scenario: a husband wakes up early with incontrovertible physical evidence that Mr. Happy is ready to go "dancing." He looks over and there's his wife, sleeping. With a glance at the clock, he notices that it's 6:15 and they don't have to get up until 7:00.

Forty-five minutes! he thinks. Man, what I could do in 45 minutes!

He then starts to communicate in a way only a man would think effective—he reaches his toe over to his wife's side of the bed and pokes her. When that doesn't work, he might become more direct and grab a breast, fully expecting, even after 15 years of marriage, that this grab will turn her into a raging sex kitten: "Why honey, I was waiting all night for you to wake me up by grabbing my breast!" Or—my favorite—he'll look at a woman who's snoring like a donkey and ask loudly, "Honey, are you asleep?"

If the marriage is a selfish one, the man will hear all sorts of defenses: "We'll wake the children." "I'm tired."

If the marriage is a selfless but nonfulfilling one, the wife may acquiesce with all the enthusiasm of someone reading the phone book.

If the marriage is a satisfied one, both parties will see the other's side. The man may realize his wife needs her sleep and, because of his love for her, lets her get that sleep. Or the wife may sacrificially decide that giving her body with joy to her husband is more important than those few minutes of slumber.

Some of these interludes, although they may start off rocky, can end up being great. But in so many marriages, when a spouse gets turned down, the seeds of bitterness are planted to the point where, later that day, the wife asks the husband to go to the grocery store and he says, "No, I can't."

"Why not? You're just watching the game."

"I'm busy."

"You don't look busy."

"I don't care what I look like, I'm busy."

What's going on here?

It's a delayed reaction. Admittedly, while it's a cheap shot, it happens all the time. The husband thinks, If she turns me down, I'll turn her down.

3. A sexually fulfilled husband will feel good about himself.

So much of who we are as men is tied into how our wives respond to us sexually. While this may surprise some of you wives, as a psychologist I believe that every healthy man wants to be his wife's hero. While he's delighted that you're experiencing an ecstatic orgasm, he's also watching you thinking, I did that to her, thank you very much.

He may not be the top dog at work, he may not have the fastest car, his hair may be falling out while his gut is getting bigger, but if his honey loves him enough to occasionally lose control in the heat of passion, he'll still feel like the king of the world. Why? Because he can please his woman.

Men: Make your wife happy

1. Sex is better when it's offered.

The best sexual satisfaction comes from satisfying someone else, not in being satisfied.

Learn to find your satisfaction in your wife's orgasm, and you'll change your love life. Instead of making sex something you demand, make it something you offer. You've got to make it enticing to your wife. Find out what gets her purring, and pursue that.

2. Who's winning in the marriage?

Control wreaks havoc in a marriage, and control is where most men fail. Because a man is often expected to be the physical aggressor, it's easy for him to develop a controlling position in marriage by "proving" his masculinity every time he has sex.

You know what? Sometimes a woman enjoys being "vanquished" in the midst of a healthy, loving, and committed marriage. But I've never met a woman who wants sex to be like that all the time, or even most of the time.

If sex becomes a problem issue in a marriage, it's often a power struggle over "who's the boss." And men are adept at the subtle ways they wield power. In fact, a woman can be "controlled" by a man who never approaches her for sex. He may always insist that his wife initiate sex, so he never risks being turned down. There's a psychological MO at play: for him to have emotionally satisfying sex, it has to be on his terms.

A much healthier model is one of mutual submissiveness. Mutual submissiveness insists you die to your self. Marriage is about learning to put someone else's needs above your own, and this goes far beyond the bedroom. It's about graciously doing the mundane, everyday things as part of being a couple, developing a friendship, and caring for each other.

If you "win" in your marriage, you'll lose at life. Give up control. Use your power to serve, protect, and pleasure.

3. Sexually pursue your wife outside the bedroom.

Good sex is an all-day affair. You can't treat your wife like a servant and expect her to be eager to sleep with you at night. Your wife's sexual responsiveness will be determined by how willingly you help out with the dishes, the kids' homework, or that leaky faucet that drips.

This is difficult for many men to understand, in large part because we remove sex from every other part of our life. We think sex fixes things on its own—but it doesn't do that for a woman. The context, the history, the current level of emotional closeness—all that directly affects your wife's desire and enjoyment of sexual relations. A good lover works just as hard outside the bedroom as he does inside it.

Marriage and marital sexuality require a lot of trust. That's why the marriage bed is usually an accurate picture of what else is going on in the marriage. The degree to which a couple is vulnerable to each other eventually plays out in the bedroom. If trust isn't built, the marital bed will grow cold. Conversely, when trust is lovingly handled, marital passion heats up. Success in the bedroom then spills into other areas of the relationship; the wife and husband are kinder to each other and treat each other with greater respect.

When you improve your marriage, you'll usually improve your sex life. When you improve your sex life, you'll improve the rest of your marriage. The two are intricately entwined, so making more effort in any one area is a good investment.

Wives, do you want your husband to be a better father? Do you want him to spend more time at home? To listen to you more carefully? Work at helping him become sexually fulfilled.

Husbands, do you want a wife who has less stress, who's more appreciative and respectful of you? Learn what pleases her sexually.

Every couple can benefit from improving their sex lives. It's pleasant work, and in my experience there are few things that produce such amazing fringe benefits.

The 5 Sides of Intimacy

All-encompassing

There's something about our psychological, spiritual, and physical makeup that cries out for intimacy with another. That's because God designed marriage to be the most intimate of all human relationships, in which we share life intellectually, socially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

Are you and your spouse intimate in these ways?

Intellectual intimacy. This isn't about discussing highly intellectual ideas. The important thing is discussing your thoughts. They may be thoughts about food, finances, health, crime, work, politics. They reveal something of what's gone on in your mind throughout the day.

Social intimacy. This has to do with spending time around the events of life. Some of these events we experience together; others happen while we're apart and are shared through open communication. Much of life involves doing. When we do things together, we not only develop a sense of teamwork, we also enhance our sense of intimacy.

Emotional intimacy. Feelings are our spontaneous, emotional responses to what we encounter through the five senses. I see the fire truck racing down the road and I feel troubled. You touch my hand and I feel loved. When we share emotions, we build emotional intimacy.

Spiritual intimacy. Often the least excavated of all the foundations of marital intimacy, yet this has a significant impact on the others. It doesn't require agreement of belief on every detail. Instead, we seek to tell each other what's going on in our inner self. It's discussing our thoughts about spiritual realities. The purpose isn't agreement, but understanding.

Physical intimacy. Because men and women are different (long live their differences!), we often come at sexual intimacy in different ways. The husband's emphasis is often on the physical aspects—the seeing, touching, and climax are the focus of his attention. The wife, though, comes to sexual intimacy with more interest in the relationship. To feel loved, appreciated, and treated tenderly brings her great joy. Sexual intimacy requires understanding and responding to these differences.

Practicing intimacy

An essential ingredient of intimacy is allowing your spouse to be himself without striving to conform him to your ideals.

In intimacy, we try to grow closer together, not to eliminate the "otherness," but to enjoy it. Men and women are different and we must not, even with good intentions, seek to destroy those differences.

What keeps us from experiencing intimacy? All of us are egocentric; the world revolves around us. Yet, when we focus on self, we lose intimacy.

The opposite of self-centeredness, then, is love. Love concentrates on the well-being of the spouse. We take time to listen to the thoughts, feelings, and desires of our spouse. We seek to understand and to respond with empathy. We choose to do things with each other, even things that may not be our favorite activities, simply because we want to be with each other.

In the context of such intimacy we become supportive and caring of each other, which builds a stronger, more contented marriage.

Top 7 Ways an Unhappy Marriage Can Ruin Your Health

Just as a happy marriage can keep you healthy, an unhappy, stressful relationship can shorten your life. Here are some of the ways that discord in a marriage can make you ill.

1) Changes in Systems

Unhappy married, especially women, experience changes in their endocrine and immune systems.

2) Hormones

You may have elevated levels of epinephrine and cortisol hormones.

3) Blood Pressure

Stressed individuals often show increases in blood pressure readings.

4) Pain

In unhappy relationships could have a greater experience of pain.

5) Gum Disease

People are prone to more gum disease and cavities when facing marital problems.

6) Ulcers

You may suffer from ulcers in the stomach and intestine.

7) Influenza and Common Cold

Lack of harmony in marriage can cause couples to have a higher incidence of influenza and the common cold.

Five secrets of lasting love

Here's the bottom-line truth we discovered from our decades of work with couples in long-term relationships: People can endure long-term relationships in many ways, but they will only thrive if they do five things. In other words, you can grow older with your partner in many ways, but you will only grow closer and more creative through the steady practice of five actions.

We believe these five actions should be taught in every classroom in every school, every day. They most definitely should not be secrets we have to seek or stumble onto by trial and error. Yet they are. Almost none of us begin our love relationships knowing how to do these simple things, and our relationships are disastrous as a consequence. Let's permanently remove the veil that has covered these secrets and begin a new era of intimacy in close relationships.

Secret No. 1

If you want a close, vibrant love relationship, you need to become a master of commitment.How to make real commitments to each other. There is an art to commitment, but almost nobody knows how to practice it.

The first step of this art is to spot and acknowledge the unconscious commitments that cause us to sabotage the harmony of our close relationships.For example, suppose a politician were to be caught having an adulterous relationship. Imagine how it would change that person's life, as well as the lives of the constituents, if the politician identified and acknowledged his unconscious commitments by saying, "From the evidence, I'm slowly beginning to realize that I'm committed to philandering, sexual betrayal and lying. I also appear to be committed to getting caught. I'm committed to finding out if people will still like me after they find out I'm bad.

In practical reality, the act of claiming ownership of an unconscious commitment changes a troublesome dynamic in a relationship faster than anything else.

The second step of the art of commitment is to make commitments you can stand by. Real commitments can be made only about things you have control over. Real commitments are verifiable. If you make a phony commitment -- such as, "I promise to love you forever" -- you set up an impossible situation by promising an illusion. Nobody can commit to loving someone forever because some days you won't even wake up feeling loving toward yourself. Love is a mystery -- part feeling, part spirit, part mind -- and mysteries by their very nature are outside our control. A real commitment would be to commit to telling your partner the truth about when you're feeling loving and when you're not. This type of commitment saves relationships while turning on the flow of intimacy and creativity.

Secret No. 2

If you want a long-term relationship that's both close and creatively vital, you have to become emotionally transparent. To go all the way to ultimate closeness and full creative expression, you must eliminate all barriers to speaking and hearing the truth about everything.

We have to listen to the truth about everything from our partners, and how to speak the truth about everything to our partners. Everything means everything: feelings, deeds, hopes, dreams. We have to consider any hesitation about telling or hearing the unvarnished truth to be a symptom of resistance to greater love and creativity.

We know this move is radical because it produces huge bursts of creative energy in everyone who tries it. As a practice, it has awesome power. As a concept, it quickly polarizes people -- we've seen talk show audiences erupt in cheers and boos when we've said couples need to tell the truth to each other about everything. After 20-plus years, though, we've still found no exceptions to the truth rule.

Secret No. 3

If you want a long-term relationship that's both close and creatively vital, you must break the cycle of blame and criticism -- it's an addiction that saps creative energy as surely as drugs or drink.

We have to go on a strict no-blame diet and stick to it. As a practice, this move liberates tremendous energy. In fact, we've seen life-altering breakthroughs come about when couples simply went one full day without criticizing or blaming each other. As a concept, the idea of giving up blame and criticism is often greeted with derision. "Impossible," some say. "How boring," say others. We have found that it's actually possible and anything but boring. The couple who is deeply addicted to blame and criticism has usually come to mistake the adrenalized drama of conflict for the flow of connection. The idea of life without the adrenalin may seem dull and empty at first, much like a lifelong flagellant must feel that first day without the self-administered whip.

Secret No. 4

If you want a vibrant long-term relationship -- one in which you feel close as a couple and creative as individuals -- you have to do something radical about your creativity. You have to take your attention away from fixing the other person and put it on expressing your own creativity. Even one hour a week of focusing on your own creativity will produce results. More than that will often produce miracles.

Nothing will sap your vital energy faster than squelching your creativity. Often, couples stifle their individual creativity in order to focus on fixing and changing the other person. Since this seldom produces tangible results, they devote more energy to the other person as a fixer-upper and less to individual creativity. When results are not forthcoming, they complain about the other person to third parties. They enter a dangerous cycle of complaint that has addictive properties -- the more you do it the more things there are to complain about. Ultimately this leads to dissipation of creative energy and inner despair.

By contrast, fully creative people don't have time for complaint. Even if you're not fully engaged in creativity (even, as our research indicates, if you're doing only an hour a week of creative expression), you will see quantum enhancement of vitality within the relationship with every increase in creative self-expression.

Secret No. 5

If you want to create vital, long-lasting love, you must become a master of verbal and nonverbal appreciation. We teach couples how to appreciate each other spontaneously and frequently. Although this may sound like a simple thing, it most definitely is not. In fact, it's the last thing we teach in the program because it's the hardest to learn. To utter a clear, heartfelt appreciation to another person is radical partly because it's so rare. To receive such an appreciation from another person is equally challenging. Most of us have never seen or heard a rich flow of spoken appreciations in relationships. In fact, many people cannot recall a single instance of clear appreciation in their families of origin.

The simple solution is to speak a heartfelt ten-second appreciation to the other person, for no reasons other than to signify a commitment to appreciation and to open the flow of appreciation. In other words, the spoken appreciation is not to get a particular result from the other person. In reality, it produces powerful results very quickly, but it is important that the appreciation not be spoken as a manipulation or in expectation of a reward.

Overcoming Physical Barriers

Sexual dysfunction, however, is not necessarily something that is in one's head, and is a major reason sexual relationships suffer. Erectile dysfunction among men aged 65 and older is usually related to physical problems,most cases of erectile dysfunction for men under 65 are more psychological.

That's not to say there isn't a mental aspect to erectile dysfunction in older men. As with any medical condition, psychological issues also come into play. For men, much of their self-esteem emanates from how they feel sexually. Erectile dysfunction (ED) affects 25 percent of men either completely or moderately by age 40. By age 70, that increases to one out of two men.

More important, research in the last three to five years shows that impotence or sexual dysfunction is largely a physical problem, not an emotional problem. "Nearly everything we assumed in the last 95 years was totally wrong,"E.D. is a circulatory problem, it's part of vascular disease…E.D. is an early warning sign of a heart attack."

In addition to cardiovascular conditions, depression, anxiety and prostate disease can also be factors in sexual dysfunction or sexual problems. And the bad news is that medications for these conditions negatively affect sexual functioning, creating a vicious cycle and making it harder to jump-start one's sex life, and possibly affecting a couple's overall relationship.

Viagra has replaced traditionally invasive treatments for men's sexual dysfunction,new medications more effective than Viagra will soon hit the market. These will be easier to take, quicker acting and will not pose a cardiovascular threat as Viagra has shown to.

However, what works even better than Viagra for many men with erectile dysfunction is increasing one's physical activity, kicking the smoking habit, and watching one's weight and cholesterol. As erectile dysfunction is related to cardiovascular disease, such changes can also reduce the risk of the biggest killer of men in the world.

Meanwhile, older women experience reduced vaginal lubrication and reduced blood flow to sex organs, and the intensity of muscle spasms during an orgasm are diminished. These and other issues can be addressed through estrogen replacement therapy and something as simple as using lubricants.

Strategies for Keeping the Spark Alive

* Treat your partner as if you're dating
* Romance your spouse outside the bedroom
* Plan a date night
* Talk with your partner
* Listen to your partner
* Understand your partner's sexual needs and desires
* Keep physically fit and attractive for your partner
* Maintain perspective on sex as life ebbs and flows
* Resolve any underlying conflicts as they will spillover to the bedroom
* Have fun and engage in foreplay, whether that's kissing, sexual banter or anything else
* Be adventurous and creative in and outside the bedroom
* Exercise, preferably together
* Stop smoking and get your partner to quit
* Watch your weight and cholesterol
* Consider seeking specialized treatment from a specialist if behavioral changes don't work

The High Price of a Bad Relatonship

When things go sour, it's not only your heart that can be broken.

The health benefits of marriage are undeniable. But there's also a dark side: Evidence is mounting that, at least for women, crummy marriages are health vampires, and relationship stress--even more than work stress--undermines the body's physiological defenses.

Couples who handle their disagreements in a negative way, for example, don't heal as well,tiny suction wounds made on the palms of their hands.

Afterward, they talked to each other about marital sore spots like money, in-laws,The couples in happy marriages mended very quickly, while those in nasty relationships characterized by zingers, sarcasm, and put-downs, healed 40% more slowly.

However, the women's bodies proved to be far more sensitive to hostile remarks than the men.

"Biologically, the different reactions women have to a husband who says 'You idiot' versus 'I guess you and I just see this differently' are enormous," she says. "Women just have a more intense physiological reaction to hostility in relationships than men do."

This happens, she says, for two reasons: First, women tend to evaluate negativity in their own relationships accurately, "while men tend to be semi-oblivious to it." And second, even when the negativity registers with men, "they tend to forget it quickly, while women will often relive the angry exchanges over and over, for hours."

Women don't seem to get used to nastiness and negativity, even in good marriages. The happy older couples who had been married an average of 42 years. Just like in the newlyweds, stress hormones increased during conflict, but only for the women.

"It would be nice if we could just say to ourselves, I should be more thick-skinned and not take his remarks so personally, but women can't seem to shut it off like that. It's not like there's a hearing aid we can yank out of our ears,if the bad feelings and hostility are still alive in you emotionally, then they're still affecting you physically."

5 Yoga Moves For Better Sex

In ancient times yogis practiced celibacy so that all of their energy could be directed toward spiritual advancement. Makes you wonder: How could these supposedly wise guys have gotten it so wrong?

Today yoga lovers are finding that more time on the mat means more--and steamier--time spent reveling in their newly toned bodies. To take a walk on yoga's carnal side, add these moves to your routine. Or just do them by themselves to turn up the heat.

Flex Time Is Sex Time

Having more flexible muscles and joints definitely helps in assuming those compromising positions. Opening your hips in particular gives you a wider range of motion in your nether regions, allowing for more direct stimulation in just the right spots. After all, one micro-movement in missionary is sometimes all it takes to ring the bell.

Sex Rx: Bound Angle

In a seated position, bring the soles of your feet together, put your hands on your ankles, allow your knees to relax toward the floor, and hinge forward at the hips as far as is comfortable. Hold for 10 to 15 complete breaths (inhales and exhales).

Power Up the Pelvis

Strengthening one key muscle helps you engage and lift the pelvic floor, bringing you more sensation and control during those hot times.

Sex Rx: Root Lock

You may also hear this referred to by its Sanskrit name, Mula Bandha. Seated or standing, contract and then release the pubococcygeus muscle located between the pubic bone and the tailbone, as if you wanted to stop the flow of urine. You can even do this at your desk, say, 10 times at three workday intervals.

Sex Goddesses Go the Distance

Shake-the-headboard sex is hard work. "The better shape you are in, the more pleasure you have and the longer you can do it."

Sex Rx: Yoga Push ups

Start in the pushup position, arms extended. Engage your abs as you lower your body slowly toward the floor. Stop when your torso is about 2 to 3 inches away. Keeping elbows in, hold there for five breaths, then lower to the floor. Repeat three times at first and build up to five.

Charge Up the Bed Batteries

A killer day at work can leave you too beat to boogie. But a few minutes of nonstrenuous yoga when you get home can mean one less night with Netflix and one more erotic evening entwined with your sweetie.

Sex Rx: Legs Up the Wall

Change into some yoga-friendly clothes. Lie on your back with one hip touching a wall. Swing your legs up and turn your body so you face the wall, legs resting against it from heels to butt, arms at your sides. Bring your awareness to your breath and focus on it for 5 minutes. This position allows more oxygen-rich blood to flow from your lower body back up to the heart and the brain, so you'll get up reenergized, refocused, and ready to rumble.

Breath of Desire

While most poses help prepare you for a libidinous rendezvous, this breathing exercise can actually heighten your pleasure in flagrante.

Sex Rx: Breath of Fire

While you're in the act, take rapid, forceful, and rhythmic breaths through your nose with your mouth closed. Don't worry if your partner thinks you're hyperventilating; he'll forget all about it when you reach a spine-tingling climax (and no doubt take credit for your fulfillment).

Overcoming Emotional Barriers ( Sex in Marriage)

"The worst thing that can happen to a relationship is that a sex life becomes routine and boredom sets in," But in today's fast-paced life, filled with dueling responsibilities, a sub-par or absent sex life is a common problem.

When physical problems are not the root cause of a diminished sex life, many remedies exist to rekindle the flame of passion. Much of the fix is grounded in communication and re prioritizing one's life to make time for love and sex.

Sometimes couples need to focus on addressing unresolved conflicts between them, while other spouses just need to remember to have fun when the weight of life's responsibilities drags them and their sex life down. Still others may just need to build time into their schedules to be together and let nature takes its course. Simply setting aside date nights can jump-start one's love life.

Through communication—both verbal and non-verbal — and listening, couples come to understand what ignites that spark in the other partner. That might be cuddling, leaving love notes for your partner to find, meeting at a motel for a tryst, trying out new sex techniques, introducing a vibrator or dozens of other potential turn-ons.

Sex therapist Banner conducted a research study that included 65 couples who were having sexual problems because either one or both partners were diagnosed with sexual dysfunction or arousal problems. The average length of time these couples had been together was 24 years.

The study examined what it would take for these couples to resume normal sexual relations. For 65 percent of the couples, the introduction of educational sex videos was all that was needed to jump-start stagnant sex lives, Banner discovered.

How to Build Marital Bliss

We fall in love, get married, have children and raise a family. Over the years, love deepens, the bond strengthens, but our feeling of marital satisfaction waxes and wanes.

During the "bad times," there is more arguing and blaming, less sharing and touching, fewer moments of joy and appreciation. But we weather the storms, and some 50 percent of us do stay married.

What most couples don't realize, say marriage experts, is that there are things they can do to ensure better times than worse, to make riding out the storms smoother and easier.

Marriage is like a beautiful garden,"It requires skill and constant attention. If tended to, it will thrive, but if neglected, it will wither and die."

The fact is that all marriages have problems that cause conflict and strain the relationship. Among the most common problems:

* Money. There never seems to be enough, or if there is, one person is upset about how the other spends it.
* Sex. It's the reason 45 percent of couples seek marriage counseling. Usually, one partner desires sex more often and on different terms than the other.
* Work. Partners have different role expectations about who does what within and outside of the home.
* Children. Couples may disagree over how to raise and discipline children.

Positive Communicators Fare Best:

These problems won't lead to marital meltdown if you can talk about them constructively with your partner.

Marriage and Sex

Keeping the sexual spark alive in a marriage or in a long-term relationship is easier said than done. However, couples who take time to cultivate and maintain healthy and satisfying sexual relations tend to be more connected with each other and do not suffer from depression, heart problems and other health maladies, experts say.

The daily routines of life — whether careers, children or financial responsibilities — challenge couples to keep alive that flame that initially brought them together. From a practical standpoint, there's less time for sex and intimacy as relationships develop and individual partners take on more responsibilities.

Furthermore, aging brings on a host of physical conditions that can affect life in the bedroom. These include sexual dysfunction, cardiovascular conditions, arthritis and rheumatism, and a host of other problems.

Whatever the reasons for brewing trouble in the bedroom — whether emotional or physical in nature — the good news is that many such problems are easily treated. Moreover, troubles in a couple's sexual relationship are often signs of other problems, and can serve as a warning sign for still bigger troubles ahead.

Endometriosis

What Is It?

This is a non-cancerous condition found in women where some of the tissues that line the inside of the womb are found elsewhere in the human body, although most times with the pelvis (where the bladder, intestines and female reproductive organs are found).

Who Are Affected?

Affects women usually between the ages of 30 - 45 years old.



What Problems Does It Produce?

The following can occur in affected women:

Heavy and sometimes irregular periods
• Painful periods
• Pain during sex
• Pain in the pelvis or lower abdomen in between periods
• May effect the ability to get pregnant

How Is It Diagnosed?

This problem can be suspected after the doctor has taken a careful medical history and has examined you.
It is most accurately diagnosed from laparoscopy (keyhole surgery) when special instruments are used to look for these tissues in your pelvis.

What Can Be Done In Terms Of Treating The Condition?

Treatment depends on what kind of problems you are experiencing.
If the symptoms are mild, you may not need any treatment. The doctor may advise that you wait and see before offering you treatment when the symptom worsens.
If the symptoms are moderate or severe, you may be given medications or offered surgery.
The medications are to control the effects from the condition and are not long-term solutions. There may be related side effects, which the doctor will explain to you before starting treatment.
Surgery offered may be reconstructive (removal of endometriosis and repair of affected organs) or ablative (removal of womb and sometimes ovaries). This is usually done if the symptoms are not better after medication. Surgery can also be offered if there are problems with conceiving due to the endometriosis.
In conclusion, endometriosis is a condition where some of the tissue lining the womb gets deposited elsewhere. As a result, the affected women may experience a variety of problems. Depending on the nature and severity of the problem, the condition can be treated accordingly. If you have any further problems, feel free to contact either your GP or gynecologist.

Endometrial Ablation

Endometrial ablation is a form of minimally invasive procedure in the treatment of heavy menstrual bleeding.

With endometrial ablation, there will be:

An alternative to hysterectomy (removal of uterus).

• No hospital stay - Endometrial ablation is an outpatient procedure done in the day surgery.
• No incision wound or scarring - Endometrial ablation is done through the normal birth passage and does not require any surgical cuts.
• Reduced menstrual bleeding.
• Fast recovery with most patients returning to normal activity within two days.



During endometrial ablation, the endometrium (menstruating lining of the womb) is destroyed or removed. Hence it is not an option for women who are still considering pregnancy.


There are a few methods of endometrial ablation (Tran cervical resection, microwave ablation, uterine balloon therapy). Your gynecologist will discuss with you the most appropriate method to treat your problem.

Preparing For Endometrial Ablation

To improve the results of endometrial ablation, your doctor may treat you with some medication for a few weeks first. Alternatively, the operation can be timed to be done after your menstruation.
On the day before your operation, you will be advised to fast overnight

What Happens During Endometrial Ablation?

Endometrial ablation is usually done under general anesthesia. Hence you will be asleep during the operation and will not feel any pain.
During the surgery, the endometrium (menstruating lining of the womb) is either surgically removed or destroyed with heat or microwave.
The ablation procedure usually takes less than an hour, after which you will be taken to the recovery room for observation. You should recover fully from anesthesia after an hour or two.

After Ablation:

Discomfort

You may feel some mild to moderate cramps in your lower abdomen after surgery. Pain-relief medication will be prescribed to reduce the discomfort

Vaginal Discharge

You may experience some vaginal bleeding or watery discharge after the surgery. This can last a couple of weeks, hence do not be too alarmed.
In some cases, heavy periods may continue initially but your menstruation will begin to become lighter in the following months. A percentage of patients will not experience any more menstruation.

Activities

Most patients can return to their normal daily activities in two to three days. Do ensure you have adequate rest.
You are advised to abstain from sexual activity until your first follow-up appointment. Do check with your gynecologist when the best time to resume sexual activity is.

Important symptoms to look out for:

If you experience the following symptoms, please come to the hospital for an assessment.

• Severe abdominal pain
• Heavy vaginal bleeding
• Fever over 38°C
• Shortness of breath

Common Gynecological Problems

Abnormal Uterine bleeding

what is Abnormal Uterine Bleeding?
=Any Bleeding From the womb that does not conform to your menstrual pattern.

What is the Cause?

* Fibroids
* Polyps
* Abnormal uterine lining
* Foreign body e.g. IUCD
* Hormonal imbalance
* Cancer of the womb

How Do your Doctors Determine the cause?



As cancer is the first and foremost concern, a sample of your womb lining will need to be taken for examination.

This is traditionally done by a procedure called "dilatation and curettage ( D & C), which is normally requires to general anesthesia.

However, this is a blind procedure, performed without any visual aid and can sometimes miss the problem area.

Hysteroscopy

A hysteroscopy is a telescope which is inserted into your womb via your vagina to visualize the cavity.

Any abnormal can be identified and treatment recommended to you.

Office Hysteroscopy and Endometrial Biopsy


Many of our patients, including but not limited to women who have delivered babies normally or who have had previous dilatation of the cervix performed on them during termination of pregnancy or D&C, may be suitable for hysteroscopic examination of their wombs in our outpatient hysteroscopy services.
Using a very find telescope, the womb can be inspected without any or just minimal anesthesia.
The advantages include:
• A single visit to the clinic
• No need for general anesthesia which can be hazardous at times
• No pre-operative fasting and laboratory investigations.
After the procedure you may return home or to work without the residual effect of a general anesthesia. In addition, the procedure is of a much lower cost to you.
After hysteroscopic examination, a small specimen of your womb lining is taken for histological examination.

Treatment

Treatment depends on what abnormality is detected and may include:
• Hormonal treatment
• Endometrial ablation : This requires general anesthesia and a short hospital stay. The endometrial (menstrual lining of the womb) is destroyed or removed.


• Hysterectomy

Fibroid Common
Non Cancerous
Uterine Muscle Tumor
Polyp Protrusions from lining of the Uterine Cavity
Abnormal Uterine Lining Can be due to vascular changes or hormonal imbalance
Adenomyosis Endometrial tissue invading into muscle wall of the uterus
Hormonal Imbalance May be spontaneous or due to herbs or drugs consumed

Pregnancy..

Facts And Fallacies About Pregnancy

Have your family and friends been telling you about the taboos of pregnancy? How much truth is there in these hearsay?
Below are some of common myths on what pregnant mothers should or should not do.

Myth: Eating crabs may cause the child to be hyperactive

Fact: There is no scientific basis for the association of this food to a child being hyperactive. However, pregnant women are advised to have a healthy balanced diet comprising the various kinds of natural food without chemical ingredients and preservatives.

Myth: Painting during pregnancy may cause the baby to have birthmarks

Fact: Birthmarks are usually caused by some form of pigmentation in the baby's skin. It can also be due to an abnormal collection of blood vessels at a particular area. Some of the birthmarks may disappear as the child grows older while others do not.

Myth: Cutting cloth in bed may result in the baby having a cleft lip and / or palate

Fact: Cleft lips and palates are congenital defects. This condition tends to be hereditary and the risk increases with the number of affected immediate family members. However, it may also occur in babies without a family history of this condition.

Certain drugs have thought to cause this defect but findings are not conclusive

Myth: Eating twin bananas may lead to Siamese twins

Fact: Siamese twins are born with part of their bodies joined together. It happens purely by chance and takes place during the development of a single embryo.

In the majority of twin development, the embryo should separate within 2 weeks after conception. For Siamese twins, this occurs later and the embryo is not completely separated.

This condition is serious as the mortality rate for babies born with this condition is high. Fortunately, Siamese twins may be detected by ultrasound examination during
pregnancy. When detected at the early stage of pregnancy, the couple may decide whether to continue with the pregnancy.

Treatment options vary with each case depending on which portions of the babies' bodies are joined together and whether there are associated deformities. In most cases, surgery is performed.

Myth: Mothers should avoid consuming "cooling food" such as grass jelly, pineapple and green bananas as this may lead to miscarriages

Fact: There is no conclusive evidence to associate specific foods with miscarriages. Miscarriages usually occur during the first 3 months of pregnancy. About half of these cases are due to abnormally formed fetuses. Other causes include infection and medical conditions such as diabetes.

Pregnant women are advised to have a healthy and well-balanced diet, consuming food from the 4 food groups (rice and alternatives, fruits, vegetables, and meat and alternatives). Additional intake of specific nutrients during pregnancy such as folic acid, Vitamin C, calcium and iron are also important to meet the mother's and baby's needs

Myth: Sewing and patching holes during pregnancy may cause the baby to be born with an imperf orated (closed) anus

Fact: Imperf orated anus is a congenital malformation. It is a condition present at birth and is not inherited. It may be associated with other deformity such as urinary or chromosomal anomaly.

This condition occurs in every 1 in 5,000 births. Surgery is done to correct this condition.