Sexual Expectations: Realistic or Not

Whether you are involved with someone new or married for a years to the same person, you and your partner each bring to the union a set of sexual expectations.

"To expect," as defined by Webster’s, means "to consider reasonable, due or necessary." Expectations are our beliefs about how things ought to be. Certain sexual expectations are near-universal: To use a very basic example, most of us expect to have sexual relations with the person we marry.

But a couple’s expectations may clash when it comes to the particulars of their sexual relationship. For instance, her idea of "regular sex" may be twice a week while he considers twice a month sufficient. Or he may think that his partner should consistently reach orgasm during lovemaking while she doesn’t care whether she climaxes every time. Because of her partner’s expectations, though, she may feel guilty when she doesn’t.

When we enter into an intimate relationship, we often bring expectations based on our past sexual experiences; this can lead to problems if people have too firmed a grip on their expectations." For example, he said, "I’ve seen many men who expect their mate to reach orgasm from intercourse because they claim that previous partners have all had orgasms that way." If the man’s current partner is unable to achieve coital orgasms, "he assumes that there’s something wrong."

Judging your partner’s sexual traits against those of other people is not only unfair, it’s also unrealistic. Every person’s sexuality is unique, and it just doesn’t make sense to expect your mate to be like anyone else. People also should realize that when making such comparisons, they often idealize and exaggerate the sexual attributes of their past lovers.

It also is not uncommon for people to measure their mate against some imagined ideal of what a man or woman "should" be like: e.g., "men are always ready to have sex" or "women who like sex have multiple orgasms." But such expectations set the stage for frustration and relationship conflict. The person whose expectations are dashed feels disappointed, even angry, at his or her partner’s lack of so-called "normal" sexual response. And when these feelings are communicated, verbally or otherwise, the partner is likely to end up feeling inadequate as well as resentful.

Although change is certainly possible in any relationship, a person’s basic personality (including their sexual self) tends not to change dramatically in the course of a lifetime. "If your partner’s sexual appetite has always been much less than yours, there are ways for the two of you to work with that and get more out of the relationship, But it’s probably not realistic to expect that one day your partner will somehow be transformed into someone with a very high libido.

When Sexual Expectations Fall Short not all sexual expectations, however, are unrealistic. Sometimes expectations for a better sex life can be a positive motivating force, if both partners are willing to make sex a priority, then there’s a pretty good shot at making that happen.

Sex lives suffer not because their expectations are too high but because they are too low, we tend not to give sex sufficient attention and importance, it is very common for people to put sex on the back burner, to regard it as cursory rather than one of life’s great pleasures."

Determining What Realistic Is

No matter what your situation, you can choose to make it better, but if your expectations are narrowly defined, you’re less inclined to make positive changes. When people feel that they don’t have choices, that’s when their expectations are too narrow. They don’t get as much out of life as they could.

But then, unhappiness also can result from expecting too much, harboring expectations that are unlikely to be fulfilled. So, how does one identify which sexual expectations are realistic and which aren’t?

There are no hard-and-fast rules. But a good place to start is to learn more about male and female sexual physiology because many people’s expectations are based on misconceptions about these physical realities. Especially prevalent in this culture are misconceptions about women’s orgasm. For example, many believe it’s the norm for women to climax through intercourse. But that view is contradicted, most women cannot reach orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation, which intercourse doesn’t usually provide.

Becoming aware of this simple fact can make a world of difference for couples whose intimate lives have suffered because of a misguided belief.

If you think that your sex life could be better, you and your partner need to talk "about what’s fixable and what isn’t. But if certain changes are inevitable, the best we can do is adjust our expectations and work with what we have. When sexual expectations are in keeping with reality, they are much more likely to be fulfilled — and that means greater sexual happiness…