Married…with Passion (Why a good sex life is worth forethought as well as foreplay)

Think about it: 90 percent of life is filled with mundane tasks, such as changing dirty diapers, cleaning up countless spills, paying the bills, going to the grocery store, working. And many men and women have financial obligations that require them to work in deadly dull jobs.

Into this world of obligation and responsibility, God has dropped something absolutely fabulous into our laps. At the end of the day (and sometimes at the beginning!), when our work is done and the kids are in bed, we can touch, kiss, and pleasure each other in such a way that the world feels light-years away.

A fulfilling sex life colors the marriage from top to bottom and is a powerful marital glue—even stronger than children, common values, faith, or dreams.

The kind of sex I'm talking about takes work and forethought—but the dividends are worth the effort.

Women: Why you want to make hubby happy

1. A sexually fulfilled husband will do anything for you.

Sex is such a basic need for men that when this area is well taken care of, they feel immense appreciation and act accordingly. A sexually fulfilled man drives to work thinking, I'm so glad I married that woman. I must be the happiest man alive! And then heads home thinking, What special thing can I do for my wife this evening? If you want this kind of loyalty and appreciation, meet your husband's sexual needs; no other need generates such deep thankfulness.

Some wives may be thinking, I tried that, and it didn't work. You can't just "try" this; it has to become a way of life. One good time of sex will make a man thankful—for a while. But if he's turned down the next five times, he'll think about the five rejections, not that one special night.

For the majority of men, this sexual need is the primary request they seek from their wives. You can be the best cook, and a fantastic conversationalist, but if you put no effort into your lovemaking, your husband will feel disappointed. Conversely, if you give your husband a thrilling sex life, you might be surprised at how little he cares about other things that go wanting.

2. A sexually fulfilled husband is a scriptural mandate.

In 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 the apostle Paul writes: "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

While I don't pretend to be a Bible scholar, I can give you the Leman translation: Paul is telling us he wants us to do it. And if we want to stop for prayer, that's okay. And then what I love about this great saint of the church is that he wants us to do it again!

Now, if talking to your husband, I'd remind him that one of the all-time great biblical lines is, "Love does not demand its own way" (1 Corinthians 13:5, NLT). When a guy tries to use 1 Corinthians 7 to get his wife to do something kinky or distasteful to her, that's not what Paul is talking about.

Marriage is an exercise in mutual submission. Admittedly, there are times you're too pooped to whoop; but if you're the only one too pooped, you may be willing to whoop anyway because you know that will please your spouse.

Here's a common scenario: a husband wakes up early with incontrovertible physical evidence that Mr. Happy is ready to go "dancing." He looks over and there's his wife, sleeping. With a glance at the clock, he notices that it's 6:15 and they don't have to get up until 7:00.

Forty-five minutes! he thinks. Man, what I could do in 45 minutes!

He then starts to communicate in a way only a man would think effective—he reaches his toe over to his wife's side of the bed and pokes her. When that doesn't work, he might become more direct and grab a breast, fully expecting, even after 15 years of marriage, that this grab will turn her into a raging sex kitten: "Why honey, I was waiting all night for you to wake me up by grabbing my breast!" Or—my favorite—he'll look at a woman who's snoring like a donkey and ask loudly, "Honey, are you asleep?"

If the marriage is a selfish one, the man will hear all sorts of defenses: "We'll wake the children." "I'm tired."

If the marriage is a selfless but nonfulfilling one, the wife may acquiesce with all the enthusiasm of someone reading the phone book.

If the marriage is a satisfied one, both parties will see the other's side. The man may realize his wife needs her sleep and, because of his love for her, lets her get that sleep. Or the wife may sacrificially decide that giving her body with joy to her husband is more important than those few minutes of slumber.

Some of these interludes, although they may start off rocky, can end up being great. But in so many marriages, when a spouse gets turned down, the seeds of bitterness are planted to the point where, later that day, the wife asks the husband to go to the grocery store and he says, "No, I can't."

"Why not? You're just watching the game."

"I'm busy."

"You don't look busy."

"I don't care what I look like, I'm busy."

What's going on here?

It's a delayed reaction. Admittedly, while it's a cheap shot, it happens all the time. The husband thinks, If she turns me down, I'll turn her down.

3. A sexually fulfilled husband will feel good about himself.

So much of who we are as men is tied into how our wives respond to us sexually. While this may surprise some of you wives, as a psychologist I believe that every healthy man wants to be his wife's hero. While he's delighted that you're experiencing an ecstatic orgasm, he's also watching you thinking, I did that to her, thank you very much.

He may not be the top dog at work, he may not have the fastest car, his hair may be falling out while his gut is getting bigger, but if his honey loves him enough to occasionally lose control in the heat of passion, he'll still feel like the king of the world. Why? Because he can please his woman.

Men: Make your wife happy

1. Sex is better when it's offered.

The best sexual satisfaction comes from satisfying someone else, not in being satisfied.

Learn to find your satisfaction in your wife's orgasm, and you'll change your love life. Instead of making sex something you demand, make it something you offer. You've got to make it enticing to your wife. Find out what gets her purring, and pursue that.

2. Who's winning in the marriage?

Control wreaks havoc in a marriage, and control is where most men fail. Because a man is often expected to be the physical aggressor, it's easy for him to develop a controlling position in marriage by "proving" his masculinity every time he has sex.

You know what? Sometimes a woman enjoys being "vanquished" in the midst of a healthy, loving, and committed marriage. But I've never met a woman who wants sex to be like that all the time, or even most of the time.

If sex becomes a problem issue in a marriage, it's often a power struggle over "who's the boss." And men are adept at the subtle ways they wield power. In fact, a woman can be "controlled" by a man who never approaches her for sex. He may always insist that his wife initiate sex, so he never risks being turned down. There's a psychological MO at play: for him to have emotionally satisfying sex, it has to be on his terms.

A much healthier model is one of mutual submissiveness. Mutual submissiveness insists you die to your self. Marriage is about learning to put someone else's needs above your own, and this goes far beyond the bedroom. It's about graciously doing the mundane, everyday things as part of being a couple, developing a friendship, and caring for each other.

If you "win" in your marriage, you'll lose at life. Give up control. Use your power to serve, protect, and pleasure.

3. Sexually pursue your wife outside the bedroom.

Good sex is an all-day affair. You can't treat your wife like a servant and expect her to be eager to sleep with you at night. Your wife's sexual responsiveness will be determined by how willingly you help out with the dishes, the kids' homework, or that leaky faucet that drips.

This is difficult for many men to understand, in large part because we remove sex from every other part of our life. We think sex fixes things on its own—but it doesn't do that for a woman. The context, the history, the current level of emotional closeness—all that directly affects your wife's desire and enjoyment of sexual relations. A good lover works just as hard outside the bedroom as he does inside it.

Marriage and marital sexuality require a lot of trust. That's why the marriage bed is usually an accurate picture of what else is going on in the marriage. The degree to which a couple is vulnerable to each other eventually plays out in the bedroom. If trust isn't built, the marital bed will grow cold. Conversely, when trust is lovingly handled, marital passion heats up. Success in the bedroom then spills into other areas of the relationship; the wife and husband are kinder to each other and treat each other with greater respect.

When you improve your marriage, you'll usually improve your sex life. When you improve your sex life, you'll improve the rest of your marriage. The two are intricately entwined, so making more effort in any one area is a good investment.

Wives, do you want your husband to be a better father? Do you want him to spend more time at home? To listen to you more carefully? Work at helping him become sexually fulfilled.

Husbands, do you want a wife who has less stress, who's more appreciative and respectful of you? Learn what pleases her sexually.

Every couple can benefit from improving their sex lives. It's pleasant work, and in my experience there are few things that produce such amazing fringe benefits.